The Silence of Brokenness

There is a silence that has fallen over us as we have found the need to bring some semblance of order and sense back into our lives. Over the last few weeks our family has been dealt some circumstances in life that would make any average family crumble. But, as we have always known throughout our marriage as it has grown and strengthened over so many different situations, we have seen that we are no average couple at all. Because of who we are in Christ and the people that have clothed us daily in prayer we have weathered so much more than what any couple or any parent will ever in a lifetime know.

I was going to just start back up with the chaotic "normal" daily life of what is taking place....so much to say, so much going on, so many of our active days filled with humor. But to pick back up with normalcy does my heart no good at this point in life and seems to reduce what we have been through to a level of injustice seldom known to man.

Maybe one day what we have been through will be a testimony to other parents facing the same situation, maybe someday we will be able to look back on this time in life and know why we lived it, maybe someday we will be able to see the hand of God orchestrating every second of every minute of the days that we have survived over the last little while, maybe someday we will know why we have had to live what we have lived. Neither Brad nor I feel led to uncover the intimate details of our lives and the emotions that are still so raw from all of this. We have no freedom yet to open up freely about this new part of our testimony we have been given.

It seemed to catch us off guard and while we were at one of lowest moments. While in the midst of personally suffering through a case of severe bronchitis the adoption rejection came. At a very low point anyway it seemed a devastating blow....a total injustice in life that a family can be so judged solely based on the mere number of its members. It seems ironic to me that these people who are responsible for caring for the well being of these children in the system are the ones depriving them of a healthy, loving home environment based on an opinion of what is socially acceptable, of what one family is capable of handling vs what they themselves are capable of handling. It was huge since we had a group of 7 that were waiting on our homestudy to be completed so that we could proceed to the next level of pursuing them.

I'll admit that I didn't handle this part of our adoption process well at all. It was humiliating to think that I was so naive as to think this would all go off without even a second thought..without a hitch or hurdle to have to overcome. A week and a half of sleepless nights ticked by. On one such night as Brad was on shift what seemed to be total devastation was thrown upon our family and we found ourselves living out a parent's worst nightmare...short of the death of one of your children. It still makes my heart sick to revisit the events of the last few weeks and, as of yet, there is no liberty to even begin to share. I'm sure at some point in life I will find myself opening up to thousands of hurting and wounded souls about the paths we have walked but for now there is a silence bound up in brokenness.

We've all had up days and down days throughout it all and we've all found it very hard to function at all on many of those days. After the strife and division it causes within the family we have watched it also bring us together more intimately than we have ever known...as a couple, with each of our children, with each other as individuals within the family and with each one individually that make up the group of people that God has placed together as a family.To watch the children unify and come together during such a devastating time has been such an enormous blessing to me and has kept me focused on what it is our job as parents entail. To instill in these precious souls to love on another for better or for worse, to support each other, to defend each other, to protect each other with one's own life. Brad and I have run the gamut of emotions from being filled with rage to feelings of worthlessness to coming back and just letting God Himself be our Hiding Place, our Rock and our Shelter as we rest in Him. We can do nothing but trust with our whole entire hearts that the Lord does indeed cause everything to work together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose.

So, know that in my days of silence there is a new pain that we bear that we still are having to walk out daily, to pray through, to try and wrap our minds around. This is a very sobering time in life for our little family. But it has caused us to dig deeper than we ever have to discover who each of us are in Jesus Christ. He has tested our faith and I think He has found it to be true.

So, with that I will attempt to return to daily life as we know it. It does my heart good to lay the burden down as we try to gather the pieces back up and continue forward.