Happy 7 1/2 Birthday Evye!!

So, I just figured out via Sonic's 1/2 price email coupon to celebrate Evye's 1/2 birthday that Evye is exactly 7 1/2 today. So.....if her 1/2 birthday falls on Febuary 29th does that mean it's only every 4 years she is truly 1/2 a year older????? I suppose we can only truly say this to her every 4 years so it kind of makes me feel up for a birthday party. Happy 1/2 Ev!!!!

Leap Day

So....we were all talking the other day and discussing why we have this day. We basically came up with the same reasons that have been revealed today in an article. Anyway...here are some fun facts that will put curious little minds at peace about this weird day. One of the wondering minds in this family sees no abstract in the world and all of life is black and white.....so this did him some good having some to the point facts about this normal abnormality in life.

Why do we have leap year? What's the deal with Feb. 29? It's pretty basic. The pattern of our lives depends on it: The current calendar needs the extra hours to stay aligned with Earth's orbit. Otherwise, we'd have winter in July — in about 10,000 years.

If you were born on Feb. 29 in the shortest month of the year, the plus side is that you're part of an exclusive birthday club. And you can blame the 28 days on this calendar, which began with March. If you're an unmarried woman, leap year's got your name on it, thanks to the Irish tradition of Ladies' Privilege, which back in the day gave women proposal rights. In America, we call it Sadie Hawkins Day.

There's a ton more boring info about it on this site. I didn't copy and paste here since it didn't hold my attention for too long.....though Grayson loved it.

http://www.timeanddate.com/date/leapyear.html

Homemade Yogurt Success!!!

I did it!!!! The yogurt finally turned out good enough that the children will eat it! Brad and I have now successfully made our own yogurt in addition to the butter, buttermilk and the cream cheese I'm doing today.....along with the homemade, non-edible laundry soap and cutting back to only 1 T of Snuggle p/ load. I can hardly wait for the cloth diapers to get here!!! That's just plain insanity! And Brad loves all of this new stuff and has taken to making the butter so he's done that the last several times. A friend started the yogurt for me and I finished it up. It turned out great! I flavored it with some jello until I can come up with a better option. We've almost completely forsaken most refined sugar and I am now slowly trying to cut out most food colorings and refined or processed flour. We've slowly transitioned to whole wheat spaghetti and pastas and brown rice for rice needs. I found an organic oatmeal that everybody loves. The oats are bigger and are true old fashioned oats. They taste a ton better too.

The "Homemade" Baby

Since I'm trying to find ways to get around food dyes flavoring the yogurt with packaged jello was't all that optimal since it is of course... nothing but that. I still wanted to experiment though and see what I could do and I figure they've been eating food dyes for a long while so seeing what a pkg of jello does in some yogurt isn't going to hurt much. I just [prefer to stay away from it if at all possible. So, I'm now working on thickeneing it up with just plain gelatin and some essential oil flavorings. When I get the Vitamix I'm going to puree real fruit, pretty much anything and everything, and just flavor it with that since the children won't eat chunky fruit and it will sweeten it more evenly with it being pureed. I can add some honey to do the rest of the sweetening job. I'm sooooo excited!

The bread and the butter

And I'm beginning to make our bread in the oven using the Kitchenaid to do the dough job. Slowly but surely I'm giving up the crutch of the bread machine....and truth is....the loaf is only enough for 1 meal for everybody. I found long loaf pans here and am going to order those today.

Sharing the "normal" yogurt. This is what happens when there's a ton of siblings that LOVE you. And, yes...Garrett fed him and then he lovingly let Gavin feed himself.

I don't think I've ever felt more frugal and fulfilled in all of my life. Not only am I loving this but Brad is too, surprisingly, and I have seen huge health changes in the children. I guess I just always figured this stuff was out there and people do these things but I would never be one of them. It sounded way too radical and "crunchy", I suppose. Way too earthy for me. But hereI am and just loving it all. I guess the health and financial payoff is just so huge that it's really incredible to me. It seems like such a basic thing to go back to such simplicity as what they did so long ago but there are such huge rewards to be reaped. And...it's not really that simple. I'll admit it's so much easier to go buy bread, buy yogurt, and buy the easy dinners to make. But overall, I figure my job is here and I have been placed here over everything household-wise, not to mention responsible for my children's nutrition. I never dreamed of the fulfillment it would bring with it. Paring down, decluttering, setting this simpler home based approach example for the children in doing these things is such a life changing thing for both Brad and I and for them. And I'm still just astounded at the overwhelming financial difference it is making for all of us.

Gavin's 1st bubble bath...with much thanks owed to Garrett who emptied the entire contents of the baby shampoo bottle into the running bath water. A clump of bubbles has been strategically placed for modesty purposes. You can credit Garrett for the clump on his head.

Quote of the day

Spoken from a very frustrated, exasperated Evye as she was taking her own sweet time chipping away at her school work....the story of her life.

"Mom.....you know why I'm always behind?!"

"No, why?"

"Because Grayson's always ahead!"


I think I might just adopt this theory. I'm not behind at all. Everybody else is just always ahead.

What Unsupervised Children Do

So....I have more pics but they revealed a little too much. Here's the decent ones. It was, of course, Grant's idea to turn on the dog water faucet and let the river run. It ran downhill the length of our yard and made a tremendous mud slide unrivaled by anything even the best the Amazon has, or will ever, offer. How Aubrey fit in the dog water bowl I'll never figure out....but apparently she did. Ugh! That is just the most disgusting thing ever. And yes......when I went out there to unleash on them I walked out just in time to see Aubrey squatting INSIDE the shed peeing on concrete. Yes, people.....THESE are my children.

The bottom of the tub was black and gritty for 2 days. And that was after attemting to hose the entire muddy contents of the Rio Grande down it....with the help of every tub cleaner I own.

How many kids can you fit into a tub????? I say there's room for at least 2 more.

Tax Return Time!

So, in an effort to cheer everbody up and have some fun the children and I took off for town to meet up with Brad. He had OT for the rodeo so the children and I set off to conquer Wal Mart in an effort to spare him....since that's his most favorite thing to do with us.....and then do dinner. On a spontaneous note Brad and I decided to celebrate the arrival of our tax return. Instead of waiting until our date night we decided it'd be more fun to have the children with us to pick up their huge longed for surprise. Tax return is when all of these many children start paying off!!!!!

After dinner we headed for Sam's and got the few things we needed and, unknowingly to them, paid for the long awaited swingset. With absolutely no debt attached we paid in cash and accomplished yet another huge goal of acquiring a larger swingset debt free. We drove around the back of Sam's with Grayson and Evye under the impression we were picking up a new computer. Slowly the fork lift drove out with 5 massive boxes and the green slide on top. The crowds cheered. There was much excitement on everyone's part as they eagerly watched a crew of guys load it onto the bed of Brad's truck. Clapping, cheering and an overall chaos reigned.

So, here we are with tons of oversized boxes that the children are beggingto be opened and the contents begging to be put together. Looks like we have our week long project cut out for us!

The Passing of Patty

Yep....she died too. Apparently we're not too good at this whole farming thing. I figure if we just keep pushing through we'll eventually get to the other side of thriving animals and animals living in peace. So now we lost a goat to the dog, a dog due to a goat and then that goat too. Hmmmm........not really looking too good here. Can we possibly kill anymore off???? Come to think of it......I don't really want to know the answer to that question.

So, a few more tears this morning on the children's parts and then the burial of Patty. I guess the worst was that she was so perky yesterday and things really started to look up. So, it got the children's hopes up. They seriously.....I seriously.....thought she was going to pull through this. Obviously that didn't happen. They were so excited to see her up walking around and having the strength to make it up and down the backdoor steps. She even got up and went outside to lay in the sun while they played. So, I went through my 10 pm shift with her, feeding her, giving meds and all the usual. She was a little floppy but no more than she had been. I loved on her for a little while as she laid on my chest. After awhile I placed her back in her basket and bedded her down for the night.

So, Brad came home this morning and said she was very dead. I'm not exactly sure what the difference between dead and very dead is. Maybe the length of time they've been in that state???? Who knows. So, as my hurt sunk and I thought of the children waking to the news I went to go make sure for myself. And there she lay in her little laundry basket.....so still and lifeless. I thought for a minute her stomach moved so I nudged her and tried to coax some life into her. But she was most definitely already gone and had been for awhile. I didn't really want to mess with her, now seeing that she was dead, but fleeting thoughts of children gleefully hugging and toting a dead, limp, floppy goat all over the house were enough to motivate me to get over myself and take her outside and out of reach of little hands and curious minds. So, with Brad in the shower I lifted her basket and took her out to the shop. A parade of little kids accompanied me out saying loudly in the morning air,

"Patty's dead, Mom?"
"Why's Patty dead?"
"Is she with Tigger now?"
"Tigger BITE her!!!"
"No, Tigger's in heaven with Flop and Patty and Tigger's a sweet sweet boy now."
"MOVE Patty, MOVE!!!"
"No Garrett, Patty's dead."

And on and on it went and I began to be so thankful for the innocence of children and their ability to just take things in stride. Evye and Grayson, on the other hand, were a different story. More tears from them, more explaining why sometimes God chooses not to heal. More discussions of Tigger now meeting up not only with Flop but now Patty also.

So, yea. That's the animal latest around here.

If indeed you don't succeed, try try again. So, I'm not really up for the high maintenance care of another newborn goat that the children are begging for right now. The auction is every Tues and they are begging to go back and take in yet another one. I'm thinking maybe puppy? They're pretty sturdy and tons of fun. Ohhhh.........maybe.

In Case You Ever Wonder

Sometimes I look up and wonder where the day went. In fact.....alot of times I look up and wonder where the day went. I can't really piece it together but i can tell you bits and pieces of what I did.....kind of. Yesterday....well, here is the way I spend my days.

I woke up to this....

This was taken AFTER the spoon met up with their butts. Ever loyal partners in crime, I suppose.

This would be Nesquik that Garrison and Grant....probably Grant....opened and lovingly spoon fed to his brothers close in age. He also managed to spoon feed it to the dishwasher, floor and about 5 cups. Ok....well, that's not so unusual to wake up to so the day had started and could definitely improve but wasn't too bad. Until we realized that Patty, who had been sick the night before, is now on her death bed. She contracted pneumonia while at the auction and, as is typical for kid goats, they present 7-10 days after the fact. Yep.....day 10 though she had been coughing from day 7. She had been weak the night before but was now unable to stand at all and was completely limp. She gurgled and coughed in her drowning state. By this time I am exasperated with everything animal related. I should be sad but at this point I'm just kind of fed up. As the morning went on she would pant heavily, gasping for air, and then quit breathing entirely. The children checked intermittently throughout the day to see if she was still breathing and still with us. But somehow she forged on in her deathly ill state. By this time she had not eaten in something like 15 hrs. So, now we were dealing with sick and dehydrated and starvation issues. I dosed out some year old amoxicillin still left in the frig from our last trip to the dr a year ago for an ear infection one of the children had. In our change of eating habits and lifestyle we have seen huge blessings and amazing results in health and we have not entered the doors of the dr's office in over a year. So, the only meds we had were that old. Oh well. She wasn't long for this world anyway so I figured it couldn't do too much more damage. So, 1 tsp of amoxicillin down and into the grass for some sun to try and revive her....or finish her off.

This is exactly how he was positioned in pregnancy while I carried them. Still so much baby in him despite the fact they're 3.

Meanwhile the children go in circles not doing any one thing but just avoiding the kitchen table and the school that sat ominously staring at them. All attempts at bread making and more wet wipe making were put on hold due to the whole Patty issue. The infirmary was in a disastrous state so I put the children to work on getting a grip on the house. While completely preoccupied with that Grant managed to stick one of his NASCAR's down the vacuum cleaner tube. No suction there...not to mention the tears that ensued at the loss of his car. With coat hanger in hand I set to work on the vacuum tube. Half an hour later and alot of frustrated heaves and sighs later I set to work with now a screwdriver in hand and took the entire underside of the vacuum cleaner apart. After lots of shaking, coat hangering, and poking of many foreign objects down the shoot it finally budged. This was what finally started poking out. If you look close you can see the red paint and black tires of the car. With it successfully retrieved I set to work putting it all back together. That took no less than an hour, interruptions included.

Back to goat care. While in the midst of that they managed to, unknowingly to me, escape into the backyard and go swimming in the dog water. With Grant...who would've ever guessed???......turning on the water spout he gleefully provided he and all of his young siblings the mud slide of their lives. With raucous laughing outside I just smiled and thought warmly to myself how wonderful it is to hear the squeals of delight from children as they play. So, they laughed on as I took pleasure in hearing their childlike joy. The warm fuzzies quickly transformed into exasperated frustration as I beheld their mud soaked bodies and play clothes, mud laden dog and the seemingly 30 ft mud "slide" that ran the length of the yard. Hosing them off in the 15 degree water I let them "drip dry" outside since I was no where near being at a stopping point in my day to give baths to 15 kids and a dog.

Never quite making it to the bed these days

More dealing with the goat. School work.

One of the little ones escaped inside and his mud mysteriously had purple sticky now glued to it. What the crap, man?????

Later on in the day the grape jelly was found in the nursery windowsill. This is exactly how I found it. It was posed so perfectly I figured if I couldn't beat 'em I'd just join 'em so I took pics to keep my sanity and in an effort to maintain some form of humor. Somehow I never managed to get pics of the muddy kids....maybe due to some small anger issues on my part.

Somewhere in there the goat formula had been 1/4 cupped out onto the utility room floor. Oh well......looks like we won't be needing it now anyway seeing as how the goat's more than half dead. Garrett now had a goat formula-ed clown smile ringed around his mouth so I'm assuming he was the culprit in that one.

Meanwhile....the goat labors heavily in her breathing but fights to live on. At one point she quit breathing for 20-30 seconds at a time and then would gasp and jump start herself again. Ugh!

School days

I left Brad and the children to meet up with fellow homeschooling moms just to sit and talk. I never expected Patty to still be living when I returned home. But, alas, she greeted me out in the carport with obnoxiously loud baby goat cries. Seeing as how she hadn't even been able to summon any noise at all for 24 hours my heart jumped at the thought that she might actually pull through this. So, back inside for the 10 pm shift with her. More meds and more syringe feeding, towel changing in her laundry basket and bedding down to keep her warm. Did I mention we also gave this goat crushed up Tums and baking soda with water to try and reverse her acidic state...which happens to be common in young sick goats. Info gleaned from the web. She was still unable to walk. I surmised she probably wouldn't make it through the night. I told Brad before we fell asleep to check on her 1st thing and if she had died to tote her out before the children woke to a dead goat in the den.

Loving the big seat

Brad went to kiss me bye this morning and all I could get out was to remind him to go check on her. He came back reporting that she was still going. Ugh! Can she just die or something???? Awful, I know. But I'm at my wits end with the animal issues. I awoke to her standing on her own and crying for someone to pick her up. Once out in the grass she began walking on her own and the her gurgly breathing and racking coughs has subsided....though not completely. The foaming of the mouth had stopped and the buckets of yellow congestion pouring from her nose had dried. Maybe......just maybe???? More syringe feeding...this time an entire 8 oz. A normal feeding for her....despite the fact it was all given by syringe. Oh well. She wasn't going to starve.

So...we arrive at the present. I sit procrastinating. The bread waits, the wet wipes need to be made. We're out. Ummmmm.......not good. Oh well. Water and paper towels have been known to do the trick when in a bind. After being deposited back in her basket the goat sleeps. Time for another round of meds and more feeding. I have stuff I need to ship out. I'm now up to 213.00 sold on Ebay. Still tagging stuff for the JBF sale. As far as I can figure it has the potential of bringing in around 700.00. I haven't even gotten around to the garage sale stuff. THat's taking place at Granny's the 2nd weekend of April so I have that to conquer to. I have no clue how much that might bring. I haven't even gotten to that corner of the playroom yet. So, I forge on in my endeavors despite dead dogs, dying goats, no more jelly, mud stained clothes still waiting for the 2nd round in the washer, a brown sticky kitchen floor and smeared red sticky cimmamon glue from some foreign candy I never allow the children to buy but somehow gave in to the night before last.......forgot to mention that smearing episode.

Big Country Sunsets Observed at the lake the night before last as we drove with both dog and goat in tow to explore the world beyond. It was amazing. Off to the west the colors melted into a vast portrait not even a master painter, armed with paintbrush in hand, could portray. A sunset where the one true God's, Creator of the Universe's, existence could not be denied. A sunset that cried out of His existence and said the world moves on.........that He holds us, embraces us, as we walk out this humanly, sin filled life. A sunset that cried out to acknowledge Him, that cried He loves us and that He calls us home to Him.....that this is not home at all. That this life is only temporary. That we are mere sojourners here.....and reminds us that we are here, created for Him and by Him. He still reigns. As the sun hung low to the west and splashed hues of insurpassable magnitude across the prairies and far off hills the huge yellow moon rose low in the east. It slipped in and out of purply blue wisps of clouds. Translucent in their color the gleaming moon illuminated and brought the purple clouds to life. Ducking in and out, slipping like a willowy wisp it glowed like a big ball of buttery gold. It looked like a big glowing yellow pill begging to be swallowed. And eventually the thought did come to mind just what exactly one would look like if the moon was swallowed. Fun pictures danced through our minds as the children and I envisioned just what it would be like to swallow the moon. The colors that shrouded and captivated the world were surreal. It was like driving through heaven and all time came to a stand still. There was no beginning and there was no end. Eventually the moon did take its place way up and the transformation from yellow to silver was complete. When we returned the little ones were put to bed and Grayson and Evye snuck out on the porch to watch the total eclipse as it went from silver to red for almost an entire hour.

Watching the full eclipse from the front porch

Cashing In

I have now successfully sold 158.48 on Ebay and only getting started with what I have to put on there!!! I parted with my beloved ship's wheel that brought in a whopping 92.00. I also sold a set of pasta bowls that we received as a wedding gift and never used even once. In fact, I thew the original box away after we moved thinking that would force me to use them. They were glass and, well...........we just don't do glass around here. So, I figured I'd put them on there and somebody else may get some use out fo them. I expected no more than 5.00 or so. I listed them for 3.99. Ending bid was 33.00!!!! I'm loving this Ebay stuff!!!!

I still have all of my JBF consignment stuff to go and so far if all of the bigger stuff sales for the asking price and does not have to be reduced the bigger stuff alone will bring in 571.00. That does not include the 10 huge overflowing boxes of clothing still not priced. I probably will not ask more than a few bucks for each item. Some stuff in there is name brand so I may can get as much as 8.00-10.00 for those. She said I can reasonably ask 1/4 of anything from Target, Wal Mart, Carter's, etc. Any Tommy, Gymboree or things of that nature have incredibe resale value and I can probably get as much as 1/2 of the orginal purchase price of those.

Pretty exciting! I figured it up and I need a little over 1,000.00 to be able to do a Bosch, Vita mix, dehydrator, Ergo, cloth diapers and the Spanish curriculum to enhance the Rosetta stone stuff the children are doing. If I can pull it off it will also pay for me to go the Above Rubies retreat. Those figures are with buying the Bosch and Vita Mix brand new. I will be able to get them off of Ebay though for around 1/2 of their retail price so hopefully I will save about 400.00-500.00 there. I am so excited!! And how much more enjoyable all of these things will be with no debt attached. It has been years since we financed anything, but the novelty of having really great stuff with no payment never wears off. It make take some waiting time and patience on my end but when it gets here it is so well worth the wait!!!

So...time to get over my little depression rut and get going on the rest of this stuff. I found it hard to do anything this week so the whole week was kind of blown. From Thursday on I have moped and cried. Maybe getting busy again and harnessing all of my time on this stuff will help make everything a little more tolerable.

Patty

Finally.......some pics of Patty the goat. And some others too, of course.

A little bit of healing........dog meets goat....and it's still alive. They now romp and play together.

If you don't look close you miss Patty

Yes.........I give the goat baths regularly. Just another baby in the house, I suppose.

Baby goat Flip and Baby BABY goat Patty

Her indoor hideaway...she loves this thing!

The new Pampers advertisement.

It has begun. The Carwash Terror. So, now we have 2 successfully wailing as we drive through. It was a 1st for Gavin today though so we had to capture it. And yes.....I'm fully aware that the straps are too high for him. But maybe if Aubrey hadn't broken a snowglobe in his infant carrier he would've had that to ride in. But, as it was, he took over Garrett's, Garrett took over Garrison's and Garrison took over Aubrey's. Aubrey bumped up to a temporary booster for the trip into town. Since I had to completely take his whole entire carrier apart to get all of the little glass pieces I decided it was time to go ahead and move him up to a big carseat anyway. That way after everything is freshly washed and put back together it can start waiting for Bettis #8. Gavin has ridden in Garrett's seat before when we have had to do the whole Fruit Basket Turnover for whatever reason and he loves it. He's ready and really wanting to be in a bigger seat. So, while in town we picked up his new seat. Since we don't have one for him to move up into...seeing as how they are all currently occupied right now.....we had to get yet a 4th one. Since he was being a little uncooperative for the pics and was very much wanting a bed and not the fitting of his new carseat I didn't get any of him in his new one. But here it is, straps adjusted correctly, waiting and ready to go........to serve it's new occupant dutifully once he gets in a better mood and is ready to hit the road. OK.......well, I just looked again and this pic was taken before I messed with it and got it all threaded through on the correct level. Just realized that. But this is #4 identical carseat for the 4 Bettis' cuurently all under the age of 4. I'm tired....can you tell???

And in honor of Aunt Abby's love of baby mohawks I figured I'd put some in of Gavin's gel-ed mohawk. It certainly stands up on his own but the gel helps get the little fly-aways all going the same direction too! The people at Wal Mart loved him!!! The older he gets the more interactive he gets and he delighted the crowds yesterday. We had peple stop to tell us how entirely adorable he is and then stop to play with him as we tried to shop. He was in his little backpack and he always gets attention in that thing. I think cause he's up at eye level with everybody else. Ad he definitely loves the attention he gets from up there too! He's already a natural born entertainer.

His happy little self

The new short hair....it fits her though in every way. It's like a little miniature cheerleading teen. She's definitely got the spunk, sass, energy and outgoing personality to pull it off. Her daddy wasn't so thrilled with it though. He is under the impression that all of his little girls are just naturally long haired ones. And after both she and Evye's hair was cut people all throughout Wal Mart stopped us the entire time we were there to tell us how entirely beautiful each of the children are and how very well taken care of and happy they look. One surprised woman called them impeccably clean, good looking and a very well kept little crew who's behavior just shocked her. She fessed up that she'd been watching us and hanging around all the way through the store while we shopped. Ummmmm.....isn't that kind of stalkerish????? Oh well........she was highly impressed by both behavior of each of them and how clean and well kept they are. Maybe that justifies stalking.

The Perfect Egg Loaf! After a few trial and error loaves of it. Now on to conquer this bad boy in the oven instead of the fail proof bread machine......well, I think I proved it not to be so fail proof! But my first successful loaf of something other than plain whole wheat and croissants.

Beautiful winter days

Ramblings of the Head

There's not really much I feel like saying. Today was better but still filled with sadness. I'm beginning to feel like I have some of the pychotic nature of my aunt within me. She's totally out of her mind about her dog.......like, she eats after them and massages their butts and lets them lick her tongue. Ewwwwwww..............ugh! That is just so disgustingly nasty. But, in my little tear filled depression I'm beginning to wonder if I don't have some of that overboardedness....is that even a word???.......harbored within me somewhere. Maybe it's heriditary or something. I still cried today. Not quite all day long like I did yesterday but it's safe to say today certainly wasn't my grandest of days. I fear what I must come across like to others and it makes me rethink my own sanity for being this emotional over something that is somewhat common in the animal world. Dogs get put to sleep everyday........but then again it was never supposed to be our dog. I don't know. I've always been like this where animals are concerned. Any one of my family members can attest to that. I keep kind of regretting putting him to sleep....thinking it was possibly a decision made in way too much haste and in the stunned, surprised emotion of the moment. Maybe we could've done more to control the situation or something. I don't know why I even question it. It only makes everything worse. And reality is.......he really really attacked Brad and why in the world would we risk everything to keep him in his growing state of agitation? I know beyond everything that he never would've hurt any of the children but I know for certain that he wouldn't have had a problem hurting me, and obviously no problem hurting Brad. And the liability he posed to us when he got out and ran all over town scouting out prey...whether it be the millions of feral cats or the grumpy neighbor's dearly loved small dog....was not worth it. I'm not emotionally up for a lawsuit and I'm not ready to fork out finances of that magnitude defending a wild, out of control dog and a situation we could've avoided. But, insanely, I still loved him dearly and I still miss him. Maybe because I know he just never would've turned on the children. He guarded them with his life. So, it's not like they were at risk. Never mind the fact Brad and I were. Insanity......I know. And Tigger was just a household name. Tigger and Athena just go together.....they had become twins to me. So, to speak of everything having to do with him in the past tense is just odd and awkward.

Children are so entirely resilient though. What is it that changes once adulthood sets in? Why is it that in aging letting go becomes so much harder and becomes somewhat like disentangling yourself from a web? What is it about children that enables them to pick up and move on so very quickly? Both Grayson and Evye informed me today that they were over Tigger. I looked at them incredulously and asked, "Like.....you already don't miss him amymore????" Grayson goes, "Yep....it was really really sad and I couldn't stop crying yesterday but now I'm good. I'm over it." Oh..........well, huh. That's a whiplash. Especially given my torrent of insane emotions. So then Evye comes in today and I asked how she was. She smiled up at me while stirring the eggs and replied with, "I'm good!" I asked with a smile, "So, no more sadness? No more tears?" And she said cheerily back, "Well........I miss him alot but I'm over him. I don't need to cry anymore. We'll just get a new puppy that looks just like him and name him Tigger and he'll act just like him...........except he'll mind and like goats and not be cranky and not run all over town. But he'll love us just like Tigger did." I applauded her on her ability to pick up and move on...since she's the emotional drama queen. Course.......I'm one to be talking right now. She then stated that when I cry it makes her need to cry but that everything'll be ok because we'll get a new puppy and I won't think about Tigger. I had to inform her that a puppy may be some time out. I'm not ready to take on another dog just yet....especially a puppy. I figure we eventually will end up with on but we'll cross that bridge when we get there.........and so far it's not anywhere in sight. Surprisingly, Brad is open to a puppy. After all of the talking he did with the vet and discussing Tigger's downfall and then contacting the GSD rescue lady from where we adopted Athena Brad is now an advocate of raising the next GSD from puppyhood. According to the few that we have talked to concerning this whole issue we would be much better off raising a puppy in our lifestyle instead of trying to make an older one adapt to it. Given the number of children, the activity level, the livestock, other smaller and larger animals and then already having Athena it would just be better to bring a newborn puppy into it. So, at some point we may tread down that road.

It still is a little odd to admit I'm this emotional over the whole thing though. It seems sometimes that it's just a fact of life that I am overreacting to. But the fact I can't quit crying is just reality. I went out there today and saw the 2 food bowls and I cried and then I went in the shop and saw the 2 mats and Athena rush to her's, waiting expectantly with upturned ears for Tigger to run to his. She kills me the most. She pants and looks at me waiting and waiting for him....like she is forever certain and has every faith that I will return her forever friend. When I turned her loose this morning in the yard she didn't even run to the fence, as is her morning routine to chase the neighbor dog. She stopped just inside the gate and waited and waited. Then she went to the shed and sniffed in there for him and then she started her yard search smelling and looking and then returned to me with upturned eyes and just laid at my feet. And yep, I cried. Maybe it's so much more than a dog to me. Maybe it's the years and years of suppressed heartaches and disappoinment I felt over waiting and waiting for help that seemingly never came. Maybe it's something within me that aches in a foolishly human way, turning her dog faith in me into my own human emotions of what I felt so deeply years ago. I remember the hurt and the ache and the tears shed in the dark every night as I laid waiting and hoping for my world to be righted......and I waited and waited and it never came. Maybe it's the really really suppressed grief I had after Grandpa died as I laid in the dark and prayed and prayed and waited and cried for his return. As I dreamed night after night that he would come back and get me. Maybe what I feel is not even dog related at all.......but the very long ago grief that never was allowed to be expressed. I wouldn't cry, I refused to even talk about it at all. I shoved it deeper and deeper and separated myself with ever widening gaps between me and anything that made me face the emotions of it. So, now here I am 22 years later and death is still a very disastrous thing to try and deal with. The hurt those 22 years ago, the ache, the void, the absolute feeling of wishing I were dead too was stifling. It suffocated me. So, I buried it. I didn't know what to do with it so I never did anyting but shover it farther and farther down. I never allowed myself to even think about death. Thus maybe the reason I was so moved and shaken and asbolutely changed the week that Copeland Farley died which happened to be the exact same day that Tigger killed our baby goat and I had to deal with all of her dying cries. Maybe the Lord is using this stuff to pull me out and force me to deal with this stuff. I don't know. It sounds pretty far fetched and insane to me. In fact....so much so I'm not even sure I'll actually post this knowing that a ton of other people read this crap. I guess it's just that death is so final in every regard. I guess that's what I'm trying to get at. And I guess that this dea with Tigger wasn't exactly like an old dog, having lived a good ole happy full life, died in peace. It all came to a very traumatic end and he wasn't even close to being considered old. But........it happens. Stuff happens and they get euthanized. And it happens alot and it's just a dog. The world goes on without even blinking.

I look at this whole sitaution and I cannot help but think of this family and feel ridiculously absurd in my tears. I first found her blog through a large family homeschool blog link. I stayed tuned in for awhile and then quit reading. Then one of the fellow Concho homeschoolers sent out an email for prayer for them. I read and was absolutely stunned at the turn of events in their lives. I cannot even begin to fathom the absolute agony and pain she is walking through right now. Pain so deep and so huge it is incomprehensible to me. I cannot ever imagine losing Brad. I cannot imagine being forced to move on and continue on without him by my side. We are each other's everything. As I looked at Tigger's bowl today and as I saw his mat my heart went out to this mom. If I feel this way over a stupid dog what in the world does she feel, what pain, as she sees her husband's clothes still hanging in the closet, lays in bed at night and feels the cold of the other side where he will never lay next to her again, rises alone in the morning and stirs her coffee knowing he'll never walk through that door again, tucks her kids in bed knowing he'll never kiss them goodnight anymore and that her little one may not even remember him? I cannot imagine having to deal with that and having to walk through that with young children. And once again I am brought back to reality and realize how completely good my life is......how completely peaceful and intact my whole entire life is. We may have some unpaid bills, we may have stuff that irritates me to deal with, we may have a dead dog.......but my life is good......very very good. And I am blessed in every regard.

Alright, I was going to post some pics but this post went in a direction I never intended it to go. So, I shall start over with a new post and hopefully not too many will actually read this one. If you do just don't comment because I don't think I even want to know what you think about me and my whole little dog grieving issue.

Unmotivated

Today's no better. I sit here not wanting to do anything. I need to get everybody ready to head into town. The girls are getting their hair cut. Athena is going with us due to her restlessness and depression. She wouldn't eat this morning. So, we're having her cleaned up at the groomers to bring her in the house for awhile. We need a new carseat, some q-tips, tweezers for trying to fish out a splinter....our's mysteriously disappeared as most stuff does around here.......and some pita pockets. Athena needs her rabies updated before we can get her groomed. So, I have that to do.

But I sit. Still depressed. I couldn't sleep and from 2 am until 5 am were the longest hours ever. I finally just got up and fed Patty and then woke Gavin to feed him as Brad left for work. But upon rising the tears flowed yet again. And they just don't stop.

Farm Life - A Dog's Demise?

I would title this "In Memory of Tigger" but I cry everytime I look at it. I suppose it's somewhat foolishly easier if I stick it in the text instead of titling it that. Valentine's Day sucked all the way around. I did nothing but cry all day and deal with crying grieving children. I tried holding it together for them and saving my tears for the unnoticed moments but in the end it all just sucked. What are holidays anyway? Just a date on the calendar some crapped out guy made up to make people feel obligated to give some gifts. I suppose it's not all that bad on any normal given event but nobody even gave any heed to it today given our circumstances. We woke this morning as usual. I was going to make a post last night about having gone to the auction on Tues but never got around to it. We absolutely loved it. Monday night held some amount of sadness as we watched our male goat hauled off to the auction to be readied for Tuesday's auctioning off of him. He had become way too mean and aggressive with the children and was beginning to show signs of hurting them and attempting to even kill the baby male goat. So, the decision was made to keep the baby male and auction off the big one. The big male had already plowed Garrison to the ground one day by running at him full speed. After that day no little ones were allowed in the pen. The goat was way too big to have him going up against the little kids.....the human ones, not the goat ones. So, Tues we went to see him auctioned off and make sure he was guaranteed a good goat farm in which his life would be full of parenting many little ones. While there they had a set of triplets, twins and 2 single baby goats born on the auction premises. The bidders of the big herd didn't want the newborns so a few of them went up for a separate auction consisting of just each one. After much begging and falling in love with these tiny little things no bigger than a cat we ended up bidding on one and came home with a 12 pd wobbly newborn goat named Patty. Due to its tiny size and helplessness we have to keep her up in the dog cage next to the house. So that leads up to today's events.

Tigger, with his insatiable prey drive, is in full ear shot of Patty's cries when she is hungry. She spent all day in the house with us on Wed...fully diapered, coddled and pampered I might add. But, we required that she be put back in her carport cage at night. I have let Tigger and Athena out in the mornings instead of Grayson, knowing he might be tempted to get after her......after having already successfully maimed one baby goat and fatally harmed another of them. Yesterday was fine and went on in every normal way. Patty lay sleeping in her cage and Tigger was easily walked to the backyard. This morning she was already up and had been crying for food for a little while. By the time I went to retrieve Tigger and Athena from their nighttime sleeping quarters he was already wound up tighter than a drum. I fought him off trying to get Athena out the door first....part of our morning routine. I knew by the way I could barely control the situation that he was really keyed up and desperately wanting a goat for breakfast. Upon going back to get him, after putting Athena uneventfully in the yard, I could barely get through the door. I finally shut myself in the workshop with him and tried working with him there. He's just a very high intensity dog and we have known that for many years and have come to deal with it well. We are avid watchers of the Dog Whisperer and have read so many books on training him to become calm submissive. We have never abused them in any way and Brad has always been very good at maintaining "pack" control and "pack" status. Tigger's just a very dominant, alpha male and is very prone to usurping authority everytime an opportunity presents itself. He has never hurt one of the children but can become easily cantankerous and hard to deal with. There have been several times Grayson has been unable to control him. He went after Grayson one day and when Grayson immediately backed off out of fear Tigger backed off...having won the battle. So, we knew him and we knew his tendencies well. When I tried looping the leash around his neck this morning he tried to bite me. I took control and he backed way off. Once I got it around him he pitched his little fit but I was able to maintain control. I got ready to open the door and he went into crazily possessed mode. He reared back and threw his tantrum and was, in general, all over the place. He slipped out of the leash and I again had to put it back on him. This time he was going quite mad in his desire to get to Patty and when I tried to walk him out he reared up at face level and started pawing frantically and crazily. He wasn't trying to hurt me but just throwing a 2 year old tantrum. Once he got my arm pretty good I yanked on his collar to snap him back into some form of composure and he started making all of his, what could be perceived as, "scary" noise....snarling and growling and all the dog show he puts on. I'm not afraid of it and have dealt with him before when he does it so it didn't even phase me. I did realize though after he successfully clawed at my face and managed to cut my cheek that he was way too much dog for me to handle at the moment in his skitzed out mode so I gave up. I backed off and shoved him out of the doorway and went to wake Brad and let him know he had to be the one to get him in the yard and that I couldn't handle his 80 pd muscle mass in "goat mode". Brad got dressed and headed out. And our day began.

Patty had been brought inside in the chaos of Tigger's aggression so she was protected should he get loose. I was bathing her and readying her for her diaper for a day spent indoors while Brad went to mess with Tigger. Grayson came screaming in the house in sheer fanatical terror that Tigger was attacking Brad and killing him. Of course, Grayson being a little prone to overdramatizing, I just looked at him in my totally irked state and said irritably, "What, Grayson?" He was now in the closet fumbling for his gun. He dropped the gun over and over again through his tears and shaking hands. I finally asked, still irritated, "Where?!" He pointed outside as Brad stood stunned with Tigger beside him. He walked him to the backyard and I went to see what happened. Tigger had pulled the same stunt with Brad that he pulled with me but since I let go and gave up Tigger didn't take it any farther. But, Brad, being the pack leader, stood his ground with Tigger. Tigger, instead of merely challenging it as he has done in the past, went into an all out frontal assault on him. Brad still won but not without his share of battle wounds. Tigger had gotten his bicep, wrist and fingers. It broke the skin on the majority of it and his bicep is brusied with teeth marks. His finger should've had stitches but he was too busy figuring out what to do now with the dog instead of fussing over the injuries that had been inflicted.

I might add here too, that we have been told for years that Tigger is a wild card and should be put down. His aggression has been present and ever growing for some time. It got worse after the move here. But this was not our first go around with him, but today we could no longer deny that it is getting progressively worse each and every time he strikes out. He is the best family dog and the most loyal faithful guardian a family could ever hope for when he is not in his red zone moments. But when he turns he destroys everything in his path. We knew his trigger points and just avoided them. The children could ride him, lay all over him, pull his tail and hair and just smother him and he would just lay and tolerate or lick them profusely like his little puppies. He was never hurtful to them....though he did show signs of this same aggressive behaviour with Grayson on several occasions since Grayson is old enough to require him to obey and follow instructions. When he didn't want to conform he would get after Grayson. He bit him once and left some teeth marks but it didn't break the skin and he immediately backed off once Grayson ran away from him. Did I say that already? Cause I think I already said that somewhere. It's been a long day but I can't eat and can't sleep. So, sleep deprived, hungry and exhausted adds up to very little brain function.

In the choas of it all the gate was left open and both dogs got out once we all went back inside to try and piece together what all had just happened. After several minutes of the dogs missing and knowing the state Tigger was in I knew we had to go get them instead of waiting on their return. Grayson and I set out and located them fairly shortly. Instead of loading him in the bed of the truck I figured it best to stick him in the cab with us so he didn't jump the bedrail and go after any small prey he spotted. Upon pulling in the driveway he saw the goats in the pasture and again went crazy in the cab of the truck. Grayson, being deathly afraid of him at this point having seen the attack on Brad, was frantic and trying to get away from him. Tigger paced the inside of the truck stepping on both of us and continually bit at the air. There was no way I could get him out of the truck. I couldn't even stick my hand up by his face without him going after it. I quickly drove us back out of the driveway and around to the front. I unloaded him there and took him through the front gate, with the goats out of sight. Once I came in and Brad and I could talk we both knew it was time.......we could no longer keep him. His attacks were getting much worse and much more severe. Though they were not any more frequent than they had been, each and every time they occured they were now becoming worse than the time before. The damage done to Brad was alarming and the fact Tigger would not back off or even begin to heed him was kind of terrifying. Tigger would never have gone after one of the children ever....despite this episode today. He just loved and protected them too much. But the fact we had an uncontrollable dog that we do not have any control of was just too much and way too much of a risk. He was constantly after the town's livestock and other dogs and cats and he was continually making everyone in town irritated with us. He got out often and killed anything and everything in his path. And he barked incessantly when anything came around. I always felt comforted by it since I knew nothing would ever get past his ears and overly protective ways of us.
So, it was that Brad called the vet and explained what had happened. Even the vet, who is adamently opposed to putting dogs down needlessly, agreed that he is just too much. Usually he will offer adoption or rehabilitation but in Tigger's case even he said it was getting worse and from here on out would continually grow more and more so until something serious happened. Time had already proven that. Why Tigger changed I don't know. What trigered the change in him, I don't know. I just don't understand the cruel lessons of life sometimes. Why the children have to survive some of the stuff they do in all of their innocence. The vet had Brad bring him fairly immediately after the phone call. Tigger went happily with Brad wagging his tail and panting gleefully.....like nothing had ever happened. And then, of course, my heart ached and I began the tortureous mental journey of trying to save him. Punishing myself for just not having dealt with him myself....wishing I hadn't awakened Brad...wishing I could just fix it all...cast out his inner prey demons or break every curse that had ever been spoken over him about how he would someday do this or just something that would rid us of the moment we were now in.

I thought big country farm life was a dog's dream. I thought every dog deserved to live the life of a dog laying lazily about on summer days out in the big open grass with lots of room to roam. I thought living on a farm would subdue him more and allow him to find peace with all of life since he was no longer going stir crazy in a tiny neighborhood backyard. I guess I was ignorant enough to have those romantic dreamy ideals of the ever loyal, faithful, canine companion growing old with the family. Laying on a porch next to the white wicker porch swing and the 2 rocking chairs raising his nose to occasionally sniff the wind. That, of course, following the years of active duty served chasing balls and being each little boys' best friend, falling in step behind them and wagging his tail just happy to have a boy. And Tigger did that. He chased balls and he trotted along happily and he licked unmercifully. He jumped on the trampoline licking and bouncing all over kids in his happy carefree ways. He was so entirely devoted when he wasn't in hyper drive. He was pretty much family........as all of our pets have become. We love animals. I love them. I can't help but think maybe in some off way that this is part of the spiritual journey that the Lord has me walking down. Maybe this is part of the journey of detaching myself from everything that in some form or another holds me back from completely focusing my attention on what will bring glory to the Lord and further His Kingdom. If I remain attached to things...whether they be materialistic or uneccessary emotional ties that bind and hold back......or maybe even if I remain holding onto unneeded responsibilities that hold me back from functioning at my highest level of ability than I am not giving my all. Or maybe it is just the Lord testing me to see how far I've come in what I am willing to give up in order to follow Him. I have given up possessions and I am willing to give up a way of life and I have given up the status symbols but am I willing to give up the living breathing things around me that I hold so dear to my heart? In some strange way I am overwhelmingly grateful that if this is the case of more testing in this area that it was only a dearly loved dog and not one of my sweet precious children that I hold dearer than life itself.....one of my children that I would glady and willingly, without even a thought, lay down my own life for. If this is indeed the Lord testing me in this area He merely took a dog and He didn't take one of my children. I cry because I miss Tigger incredibly and the whole situation is just traumatic but I cry out of gratefulness that each and everyone of my 7 children, my every breath and heartbeat, are sleeping rosy cheeked and peacefully in their beds at this very moment. Evye did cry herself to sleep and Grayson sobbed it out quietly for awhile but they are here and they are breathing. He did not take one of them. He just took a dog. A dearly loved, wanted and cared for family pet...but in the end, still just a dog.

It opened the doors for many tear filled conversations today of what exactly happens in the spirit realm. I have been taught all of my life that animals are not spirit beings and they do not go to heaven. And I have been rasied believing that. But when you are as in love with animals as I am and you know the joy of caring for them and that the idea of being without that in heaven in inconceivable it makes you reevaluate everything you were ever taught. How, when God created it, could He say it was all good and well done and have physically created it with His own hands and then not have a place for them in heaven? They were created for people's pleasure and for their use. And before today I never had to look into the red rimmed eyes of a 10 year old and 7 year old and been faced with the decision to convey the news that animals just don't get admitted up there. After years and years of being taught one way my entire outlook changed in one morning. Suddenly years of being taught one way turned into a heartfelt thing that saw it through completely different eyes. It opened the door to tell them the story of how the lion will lay down with the lamb and of Is. 11:6-10.

"The wolf will romp with the lamb,
the leopard sleep with the kid.
calf and lion will eat from the same trough,
and a little child will tend them.
Cow and bear will graze the same pasture,
and the lion eat straw like the ox.
The nursing child will crawl over rattlesnake dens,
the toddler stick his hand down the hole of the snake.
Neither animal nor human will hurt or kill
on My holy mountain.
The whole earth will be brimming with knowing God-Alive,
a living knowledge of God ocean-deep, ocean-
wide."

That spurred questions about heaven and all things related to death. They asked more and more questions about Uncle Ben and more and more why's and how's of what happened and why God took him. I told them of what I wanted them to come to know and love about heaven. So it is that Uncle Ben was there to recognize Tigger as he entered heaven and Tigger remembered him and recognized his smell and they greeted each other like long lost friends. They were sure Ben said, "Hey! That's my brother's dog!!!" and had visions of Tigger running around wildly happy to find someone he knew. And Ben took him in and they now wait together for us to get there and meet back up with them. And because the Lord makes everything perfect and in His likeness and we become perfected spirit beings when being welcomed with open arms into heaven Tigger is now quite the perfected dog. As we discussed, he now herds the goats he once killed and our baby goat Flop is now eagerly greeting Tigger, who is just as eagerly licking and smothering her in kisses. They romp and roam and play and at the end of the day they lay down together and sleep in peace in the delight and companionship of one another.

But, why is death always such a shock.....whether it be a family member or just a dog? Why do I sit here still grieving and thinking of every detail about a dog? Why does it seem like I'll wake up and this will all be over? Is it the shock one's system goes through? Or is it just that I was that absurdly attached to a dog? Or is it just the phases of losing something so dear to one's heart? Almost, in some sad sick way, like losing Aubrey's bear. It felt as some part of her had been lost with it. Is it because I feel the loss of some more of the children's precious innocence as they are forced to grow and mature as the world teaches its harsh cruel lessons? Is it the loss of the ideal life of dog and boy as perfect companions? Or it is just because I grieve so much for Athena as she waits expectantly for hours and hours for him to return to her? She has no clue. She has no concept that he will never come running back through the gate. So, she waits and she waits with ears turned up and turning towards every sound, every car that passes, hoping that her dear soulmate will return. She lays in her spot alone waiting and waiting for her buddy to come back. And she paces the gate when she realizes too much time has elapsed. She lays on her mat tonight wondering where her lifelong friend has gone as she sleeps alone for the 1st time. Is it the hurt I feel for her? I cry everytime I look at her in the yard pacing restlessly back and forth. I can cry now and let the tears flow. Everyone is sleeping and I don't have to be strong and stoic for the children to know we did what was best and not portray that I regret it. I cry with them but I do not grieve since I want them to understand this was not any light decision because we grew "tired" of our dearly beloved family friend. I want them to understand the gravity of what happened today. So, we talk matter of factly about it....even through the tears. But, now as everyone sleeps, I sit here letting the tears flow freely. I cry for the children, for Athena, for Brad and the life or death decision he ultimately had to take responsibility for concerning something so dearly loved by the family. I cry for me and just because it's so very sad. Why can't I just get a grip? I have each of my children and it was just a dog. But it was so much more. It is the hurt in the children's eyes and crying of their hearts as they grieve. It is the pity for Athena as she waits with expectancy for someone that will never return.

A dear sweet friend I have come to love wrote this in response to my "pray for us" email that I sent out after it all happened today. This was a portion of her reply.


What a grievous turn of events for a treasured family friend to turn on their clan. I wonder if what you are feeling is a microscopic glimpse of what God feels when one of his children chooses the world (and eternal death) instead of Him.


How true that is. I keep stupidly thinking this will all be over and he'll be right back in the yard tomorrow and this will just be a bad dream. THat nothing this extreme would ever have to be done and we would never go to such lengths. If I, and even the children who have voiced those very same thoughts, feel this way over a dog that we adopted at only 3 months of age and had only 5 years does this to our hearts.....how much more so does God feel when one of the very children He created in the womb turns his back and chooses death when He only wants the best for us. Just as we wanted to bless Tigger all of his days and give him a safe loving home with a warm cozy bed at night and all of the kids in the world to chase how much more does God desire to bless us with? And just as He desires to pour His provisions out on us and His unconditional love how much does His heart ache when one willingly chooses the road of utter defiance and refuses to be complaint with what He has created them for? It is we that choose the path of ultimate and impending destruction. It is we that tear down our own lives and kill ourselves. All Tigger had to do was comply. All he had to do was submit to the authority placed over him. All we, as the Lord's children, have to do is submit and comply with His voice and be willing to forsake it all to follow Him. Just as a dog has to forsake its instincts to live amiably with man and beast so does a mortal man forsake his wordly temptations to choose the better life, with such a better ending, when making the choice to forsake it all and follow Him. He created us.

Is. 44:2
Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb, who will help you.

Jer.1:1
Before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you.Before you saw the light of day I had holy plans for you.

Maybe I am just searching to make sense out of all of this. Maybe it's just part of the shock that naturally follows any death...be it family, friend or animal. Maybe it's the lessons that God wants so desperately to instill into His children so that we see this and grow and mature more in Him.......lessons I would never have learned otherwise. Maybe it is just Him requiring me to seprarate myself from every extra thing that weighs me down with resonsibility and hinders the bigger picture of work He seeks to accomplish through me. To focus more and more on my children and less and less on chasing crazy crapped out dogs all over town all day. To focus on what really matters and the warriors our children will become for His kingdom and not the irritations that hold me back and keep my attitude in a less than wonderful place due to chaotic distractions.

I don't know. I just know that it hurts and it sucks. And I cry.