Farm Life - A Dog's Demise?

I would title this "In Memory of Tigger" but I cry everytime I look at it. I suppose it's somewhat foolishly easier if I stick it in the text instead of titling it that. Valentine's Day sucked all the way around. I did nothing but cry all day and deal with crying grieving children. I tried holding it together for them and saving my tears for the unnoticed moments but in the end it all just sucked. What are holidays anyway? Just a date on the calendar some crapped out guy made up to make people feel obligated to give some gifts. I suppose it's not all that bad on any normal given event but nobody even gave any heed to it today given our circumstances. We woke this morning as usual. I was going to make a post last night about having gone to the auction on Tues but never got around to it. We absolutely loved it. Monday night held some amount of sadness as we watched our male goat hauled off to the auction to be readied for Tuesday's auctioning off of him. He had become way too mean and aggressive with the children and was beginning to show signs of hurting them and attempting to even kill the baby male goat. So, the decision was made to keep the baby male and auction off the big one. The big male had already plowed Garrison to the ground one day by running at him full speed. After that day no little ones were allowed in the pen. The goat was way too big to have him going up against the little kids.....the human ones, not the goat ones. So, Tues we went to see him auctioned off and make sure he was guaranteed a good goat farm in which his life would be full of parenting many little ones. While there they had a set of triplets, twins and 2 single baby goats born on the auction premises. The bidders of the big herd didn't want the newborns so a few of them went up for a separate auction consisting of just each one. After much begging and falling in love with these tiny little things no bigger than a cat we ended up bidding on one and came home with a 12 pd wobbly newborn goat named Patty. Due to its tiny size and helplessness we have to keep her up in the dog cage next to the house. So that leads up to today's events.

Tigger, with his insatiable prey drive, is in full ear shot of Patty's cries when she is hungry. She spent all day in the house with us on Wed...fully diapered, coddled and pampered I might add. But, we required that she be put back in her carport cage at night. I have let Tigger and Athena out in the mornings instead of Grayson, knowing he might be tempted to get after her......after having already successfully maimed one baby goat and fatally harmed another of them. Yesterday was fine and went on in every normal way. Patty lay sleeping in her cage and Tigger was easily walked to the backyard. This morning she was already up and had been crying for food for a little while. By the time I went to retrieve Tigger and Athena from their nighttime sleeping quarters he was already wound up tighter than a drum. I fought him off trying to get Athena out the door first....part of our morning routine. I knew by the way I could barely control the situation that he was really keyed up and desperately wanting a goat for breakfast. Upon going back to get him, after putting Athena uneventfully in the yard, I could barely get through the door. I finally shut myself in the workshop with him and tried working with him there. He's just a very high intensity dog and we have known that for many years and have come to deal with it well. We are avid watchers of the Dog Whisperer and have read so many books on training him to become calm submissive. We have never abused them in any way and Brad has always been very good at maintaining "pack" control and "pack" status. Tigger's just a very dominant, alpha male and is very prone to usurping authority everytime an opportunity presents itself. He has never hurt one of the children but can become easily cantankerous and hard to deal with. There have been several times Grayson has been unable to control him. He went after Grayson one day and when Grayson immediately backed off out of fear Tigger backed off...having won the battle. So, we knew him and we knew his tendencies well. When I tried looping the leash around his neck this morning he tried to bite me. I took control and he backed way off. Once I got it around him he pitched his little fit but I was able to maintain control. I got ready to open the door and he went into crazily possessed mode. He reared back and threw his tantrum and was, in general, all over the place. He slipped out of the leash and I again had to put it back on him. This time he was going quite mad in his desire to get to Patty and when I tried to walk him out he reared up at face level and started pawing frantically and crazily. He wasn't trying to hurt me but just throwing a 2 year old tantrum. Once he got my arm pretty good I yanked on his collar to snap him back into some form of composure and he started making all of his, what could be perceived as, "scary" noise....snarling and growling and all the dog show he puts on. I'm not afraid of it and have dealt with him before when he does it so it didn't even phase me. I did realize though after he successfully clawed at my face and managed to cut my cheek that he was way too much dog for me to handle at the moment in his skitzed out mode so I gave up. I backed off and shoved him out of the doorway and went to wake Brad and let him know he had to be the one to get him in the yard and that I couldn't handle his 80 pd muscle mass in "goat mode". Brad got dressed and headed out. And our day began.

Patty had been brought inside in the chaos of Tigger's aggression so she was protected should he get loose. I was bathing her and readying her for her diaper for a day spent indoors while Brad went to mess with Tigger. Grayson came screaming in the house in sheer fanatical terror that Tigger was attacking Brad and killing him. Of course, Grayson being a little prone to overdramatizing, I just looked at him in my totally irked state and said irritably, "What, Grayson?" He was now in the closet fumbling for his gun. He dropped the gun over and over again through his tears and shaking hands. I finally asked, still irritated, "Where?!" He pointed outside as Brad stood stunned with Tigger beside him. He walked him to the backyard and I went to see what happened. Tigger had pulled the same stunt with Brad that he pulled with me but since I let go and gave up Tigger didn't take it any farther. But, Brad, being the pack leader, stood his ground with Tigger. Tigger, instead of merely challenging it as he has done in the past, went into an all out frontal assault on him. Brad still won but not without his share of battle wounds. Tigger had gotten his bicep, wrist and fingers. It broke the skin on the majority of it and his bicep is brusied with teeth marks. His finger should've had stitches but he was too busy figuring out what to do now with the dog instead of fussing over the injuries that had been inflicted.

I might add here too, that we have been told for years that Tigger is a wild card and should be put down. His aggression has been present and ever growing for some time. It got worse after the move here. But this was not our first go around with him, but today we could no longer deny that it is getting progressively worse each and every time he strikes out. He is the best family dog and the most loyal faithful guardian a family could ever hope for when he is not in his red zone moments. But when he turns he destroys everything in his path. We knew his trigger points and just avoided them. The children could ride him, lay all over him, pull his tail and hair and just smother him and he would just lay and tolerate or lick them profusely like his little puppies. He was never hurtful to them....though he did show signs of this same aggressive behaviour with Grayson on several occasions since Grayson is old enough to require him to obey and follow instructions. When he didn't want to conform he would get after Grayson. He bit him once and left some teeth marks but it didn't break the skin and he immediately backed off once Grayson ran away from him. Did I say that already? Cause I think I already said that somewhere. It's been a long day but I can't eat and can't sleep. So, sleep deprived, hungry and exhausted adds up to very little brain function.

In the choas of it all the gate was left open and both dogs got out once we all went back inside to try and piece together what all had just happened. After several minutes of the dogs missing and knowing the state Tigger was in I knew we had to go get them instead of waiting on their return. Grayson and I set out and located them fairly shortly. Instead of loading him in the bed of the truck I figured it best to stick him in the cab with us so he didn't jump the bedrail and go after any small prey he spotted. Upon pulling in the driveway he saw the goats in the pasture and again went crazy in the cab of the truck. Grayson, being deathly afraid of him at this point having seen the attack on Brad, was frantic and trying to get away from him. Tigger paced the inside of the truck stepping on both of us and continually bit at the air. There was no way I could get him out of the truck. I couldn't even stick my hand up by his face without him going after it. I quickly drove us back out of the driveway and around to the front. I unloaded him there and took him through the front gate, with the goats out of sight. Once I came in and Brad and I could talk we both knew it was time.......we could no longer keep him. His attacks were getting much worse and much more severe. Though they were not any more frequent than they had been, each and every time they occured they were now becoming worse than the time before. The damage done to Brad was alarming and the fact Tigger would not back off or even begin to heed him was kind of terrifying. Tigger would never have gone after one of the children ever....despite this episode today. He just loved and protected them too much. But the fact we had an uncontrollable dog that we do not have any control of was just too much and way too much of a risk. He was constantly after the town's livestock and other dogs and cats and he was continually making everyone in town irritated with us. He got out often and killed anything and everything in his path. And he barked incessantly when anything came around. I always felt comforted by it since I knew nothing would ever get past his ears and overly protective ways of us.
So, it was that Brad called the vet and explained what had happened. Even the vet, who is adamently opposed to putting dogs down needlessly, agreed that he is just too much. Usually he will offer adoption or rehabilitation but in Tigger's case even he said it was getting worse and from here on out would continually grow more and more so until something serious happened. Time had already proven that. Why Tigger changed I don't know. What trigered the change in him, I don't know. I just don't understand the cruel lessons of life sometimes. Why the children have to survive some of the stuff they do in all of their innocence. The vet had Brad bring him fairly immediately after the phone call. Tigger went happily with Brad wagging his tail and panting gleefully.....like nothing had ever happened. And then, of course, my heart ached and I began the tortureous mental journey of trying to save him. Punishing myself for just not having dealt with him myself....wishing I hadn't awakened Brad...wishing I could just fix it all...cast out his inner prey demons or break every curse that had ever been spoken over him about how he would someday do this or just something that would rid us of the moment we were now in.

I thought big country farm life was a dog's dream. I thought every dog deserved to live the life of a dog laying lazily about on summer days out in the big open grass with lots of room to roam. I thought living on a farm would subdue him more and allow him to find peace with all of life since he was no longer going stir crazy in a tiny neighborhood backyard. I guess I was ignorant enough to have those romantic dreamy ideals of the ever loyal, faithful, canine companion growing old with the family. Laying on a porch next to the white wicker porch swing and the 2 rocking chairs raising his nose to occasionally sniff the wind. That, of course, following the years of active duty served chasing balls and being each little boys' best friend, falling in step behind them and wagging his tail just happy to have a boy. And Tigger did that. He chased balls and he trotted along happily and he licked unmercifully. He jumped on the trampoline licking and bouncing all over kids in his happy carefree ways. He was so entirely devoted when he wasn't in hyper drive. He was pretty much family........as all of our pets have become. We love animals. I love them. I can't help but think maybe in some off way that this is part of the spiritual journey that the Lord has me walking down. Maybe this is part of the journey of detaching myself from everything that in some form or another holds me back from completely focusing my attention on what will bring glory to the Lord and further His Kingdom. If I remain attached to things...whether they be materialistic or uneccessary emotional ties that bind and hold back......or maybe even if I remain holding onto unneeded responsibilities that hold me back from functioning at my highest level of ability than I am not giving my all. Or maybe it is just the Lord testing me to see how far I've come in what I am willing to give up in order to follow Him. I have given up possessions and I am willing to give up a way of life and I have given up the status symbols but am I willing to give up the living breathing things around me that I hold so dear to my heart? In some strange way I am overwhelmingly grateful that if this is the case of more testing in this area that it was only a dearly loved dog and not one of my sweet precious children that I hold dearer than life itself.....one of my children that I would glady and willingly, without even a thought, lay down my own life for. If this is indeed the Lord testing me in this area He merely took a dog and He didn't take one of my children. I cry because I miss Tigger incredibly and the whole situation is just traumatic but I cry out of gratefulness that each and everyone of my 7 children, my every breath and heartbeat, are sleeping rosy cheeked and peacefully in their beds at this very moment. Evye did cry herself to sleep and Grayson sobbed it out quietly for awhile but they are here and they are breathing. He did not take one of them. He just took a dog. A dearly loved, wanted and cared for family pet...but in the end, still just a dog.

It opened the doors for many tear filled conversations today of what exactly happens in the spirit realm. I have been taught all of my life that animals are not spirit beings and they do not go to heaven. And I have been rasied believing that. But when you are as in love with animals as I am and you know the joy of caring for them and that the idea of being without that in heaven in inconceivable it makes you reevaluate everything you were ever taught. How, when God created it, could He say it was all good and well done and have physically created it with His own hands and then not have a place for them in heaven? They were created for people's pleasure and for their use. And before today I never had to look into the red rimmed eyes of a 10 year old and 7 year old and been faced with the decision to convey the news that animals just don't get admitted up there. After years and years of being taught one way my entire outlook changed in one morning. Suddenly years of being taught one way turned into a heartfelt thing that saw it through completely different eyes. It opened the door to tell them the story of how the lion will lay down with the lamb and of Is. 11:6-10.

"The wolf will romp with the lamb,
the leopard sleep with the kid.
calf and lion will eat from the same trough,
and a little child will tend them.
Cow and bear will graze the same pasture,
and the lion eat straw like the ox.
The nursing child will crawl over rattlesnake dens,
the toddler stick his hand down the hole of the snake.
Neither animal nor human will hurt or kill
on My holy mountain.
The whole earth will be brimming with knowing God-Alive,
a living knowledge of God ocean-deep, ocean-
wide."

That spurred questions about heaven and all things related to death. They asked more and more questions about Uncle Ben and more and more why's and how's of what happened and why God took him. I told them of what I wanted them to come to know and love about heaven. So it is that Uncle Ben was there to recognize Tigger as he entered heaven and Tigger remembered him and recognized his smell and they greeted each other like long lost friends. They were sure Ben said, "Hey! That's my brother's dog!!!" and had visions of Tigger running around wildly happy to find someone he knew. And Ben took him in and they now wait together for us to get there and meet back up with them. And because the Lord makes everything perfect and in His likeness and we become perfected spirit beings when being welcomed with open arms into heaven Tigger is now quite the perfected dog. As we discussed, he now herds the goats he once killed and our baby goat Flop is now eagerly greeting Tigger, who is just as eagerly licking and smothering her in kisses. They romp and roam and play and at the end of the day they lay down together and sleep in peace in the delight and companionship of one another.

But, why is death always such a shock.....whether it be a family member or just a dog? Why do I sit here still grieving and thinking of every detail about a dog? Why does it seem like I'll wake up and this will all be over? Is it the shock one's system goes through? Or is it just that I was that absurdly attached to a dog? Or is it just the phases of losing something so dear to one's heart? Almost, in some sad sick way, like losing Aubrey's bear. It felt as some part of her had been lost with it. Is it because I feel the loss of some more of the children's precious innocence as they are forced to grow and mature as the world teaches its harsh cruel lessons? Is it the loss of the ideal life of dog and boy as perfect companions? Or it is just because I grieve so much for Athena as she waits expectantly for hours and hours for him to return to her? She has no clue. She has no concept that he will never come running back through the gate. So, she waits and she waits with ears turned up and turning towards every sound, every car that passes, hoping that her dear soulmate will return. She lays in her spot alone waiting and waiting for her buddy to come back. And she paces the gate when she realizes too much time has elapsed. She lays on her mat tonight wondering where her lifelong friend has gone as she sleeps alone for the 1st time. Is it the hurt I feel for her? I cry everytime I look at her in the yard pacing restlessly back and forth. I can cry now and let the tears flow. Everyone is sleeping and I don't have to be strong and stoic for the children to know we did what was best and not portray that I regret it. I cry with them but I do not grieve since I want them to understand this was not any light decision because we grew "tired" of our dearly beloved family friend. I want them to understand the gravity of what happened today. So, we talk matter of factly about it....even through the tears. But, now as everyone sleeps, I sit here letting the tears flow freely. I cry for the children, for Athena, for Brad and the life or death decision he ultimately had to take responsibility for concerning something so dearly loved by the family. I cry for me and just because it's so very sad. Why can't I just get a grip? I have each of my children and it was just a dog. But it was so much more. It is the hurt in the children's eyes and crying of their hearts as they grieve. It is the pity for Athena as she waits with expectancy for someone that will never return.

A dear sweet friend I have come to love wrote this in response to my "pray for us" email that I sent out after it all happened today. This was a portion of her reply.


What a grievous turn of events for a treasured family friend to turn on their clan. I wonder if what you are feeling is a microscopic glimpse of what God feels when one of his children chooses the world (and eternal death) instead of Him.


How true that is. I keep stupidly thinking this will all be over and he'll be right back in the yard tomorrow and this will just be a bad dream. THat nothing this extreme would ever have to be done and we would never go to such lengths. If I, and even the children who have voiced those very same thoughts, feel this way over a dog that we adopted at only 3 months of age and had only 5 years does this to our hearts.....how much more so does God feel when one of the very children He created in the womb turns his back and chooses death when He only wants the best for us. Just as we wanted to bless Tigger all of his days and give him a safe loving home with a warm cozy bed at night and all of the kids in the world to chase how much more does God desire to bless us with? And just as He desires to pour His provisions out on us and His unconditional love how much does His heart ache when one willingly chooses the road of utter defiance and refuses to be complaint with what He has created them for? It is we that choose the path of ultimate and impending destruction. It is we that tear down our own lives and kill ourselves. All Tigger had to do was comply. All he had to do was submit to the authority placed over him. All we, as the Lord's children, have to do is submit and comply with His voice and be willing to forsake it all to follow Him. Just as a dog has to forsake its instincts to live amiably with man and beast so does a mortal man forsake his wordly temptations to choose the better life, with such a better ending, when making the choice to forsake it all and follow Him. He created us.

Is. 44:2
Thus says the Lord who made you and formed you from the womb, who will help you.

Jer.1:1
Before I shaped you in the womb I knew all about you.Before you saw the light of day I had holy plans for you.

Maybe I am just searching to make sense out of all of this. Maybe it's just part of the shock that naturally follows any death...be it family, friend or animal. Maybe it's the lessons that God wants so desperately to instill into His children so that we see this and grow and mature more in Him.......lessons I would never have learned otherwise. Maybe it is just Him requiring me to seprarate myself from every extra thing that weighs me down with resonsibility and hinders the bigger picture of work He seeks to accomplish through me. To focus more and more on my children and less and less on chasing crazy crapped out dogs all over town all day. To focus on what really matters and the warriors our children will become for His kingdom and not the irritations that hold me back and keep my attitude in a less than wonderful place due to chaotic distractions.

I don't know. I just know that it hurts and it sucks. And I cry.