The Learning Curve

I've started this post many times. That seems to be a recurring theme in blogging these days. I'll start one that is less than thrilling....or encouraging....and later be convicted about the words pouring forth. Late into the night on the 23rd....or very early into the morning on the 24th....I had most of a post written, only to later be gripped with overwhelming conviction of my attitude. So....I'm here now. Attempting to start this over yet one more time.

Restlessness pervades....and a deep yearning for home. If we were to go back it'd be comfort. In all of the "what if's" we've finally decided that if we head back to the southwest we'd relocate to northern Texas. We wouldn't return to our very rural little home on the prairie, as this is not where husband's heart is or where he is feeling led at all. There is no return to a job there, as he has aged out of returning to San Angelo FD. When he left the dept it was permanent. We'd return to the DFW area but head far enough north we'd be rural, as we were in west Texas. My heart yearns for the freedom we left. Wide open grasslands, sprawling ranches, a view for miles, no people. No people...and of those that do exist a kindness for humanity is possessed...but mostly, just freedom for the children. It is very very very suburban here and very very crowded...and this is coming from the one person in life that could easily be a hermit her entire existence.

I say that to move on and tell of the things being experienced and learned here as we walk this out not knowing where this road leads....or even the purpose of it. If it had all ended here the way it was "supposed" to or the way we had it all planned life would be quite surreal here. It'd be the dream we had envisioned. Comfortable income, dreamy place to be, living in the hills and the forest, looking at rolling acreage with green pastures, white farmhouses, full ponds, running rivers and red barns to buy. It was a decision we prayed fervently about. We researched, we prayed, we stayed cautious asking the Lord to open doors that needed to be opened and close even just one if this was not where we were supposed to be. We did everything "right" despite the risks involved. We knew them well. And here we are. Very little income and living on 125.000 a week to keep phones on, put gas in vehicles, and pay utility bills. And we search the ways and heart of the God we serve.

I do know, however, that the Lord is very very good and His kindness endures forever. The supernatural things He is doing on our behalf right now are inconceivable to most. We are being given the opportunity to see things we would never have seen otherwise and know Him in ways most will never know. I have contemplated many times throughout this journey of moving here the choice we were given. We could've stayed in comfort. Our life was not bad by any means. Yes, we grew weary of the drought, the heat and the insanity of job pay and requirements, the pathetic politics involved. But, life as we knew it was peaceful. We could step out in faith to what we felt we were being called to do and where we felt led or we had the choice to stay and never know any differently. After much fervent prayer we did exactly what we felt led to do and that with which we were at total peace...the urging in our spirit to step out in faith....which, little did we know, would later lead to a cliff we'd half jump/half fall off of. But in falling it is becoming quite evident that we are learning how to fly and move in His spirit effortlessly while relying solely on a God that is showing Himself overwhelmingly faithful to provide. I've often said over the course of the last few weeks, on the very difficult days, that if I'd known it entailed this I probably wouldn't have done it. But, griping aside, and getting honest about it all....I would've. And I'd do it all again even if I knew what we'd be walking through. Because we are being given the opportunity to see the extreme side of the Lord that few people ever see. I have learned that many throw out quite lightly as they speak that "God provides". I have been one of these very ones. And while I do not in any way doubt that fact or negate what they have experienced I am beginning to learn the level of provision is completely relative to just how much one is wiling to entrust to Him. While I thought I knew fairly well the difference between a "need" and a "desire" before this place in life we are now being stretched so far beyond that point. In the refining we are coming to learn the difference between what one considers a "need" and what a true life need has become.

It makes no sense. I know. It's even hard to follow my own thoughts at times. Much is on my heart and mind. Thoughts ramble and grow difficult to follow. But, in this journey the change deep within....the spirit change......is undeniable. It's a very deep and sobering place to be. There are days the heart soars with the goodness of a God that is so very real I can feel Him and touch Him and then there are the days that are entirely difficult to get through. Though I do not feel stressed and worried the only thing I know with which to compare it with would be running uphill. It is completely mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausting. Common theme seems to be from those with opinions that if this is where we are supposed to be than the walk should not be difficult. We're making it too hard and obviously I have not laid it down at the feet of Him and learned to rest in peace. While I beg to differ on whether it's to be difficult I am not delusional enough to think that I've successfully laid it all down and continue to wonder ignorantly why I am still struggling. Quite obviously, if one has laid it all at the feet of Him and let Him pick it up "for His yoke is easy and His burden is light" one would not be fighting off the weariness and be gasping for breath due to striving to make it up the hill....or mountain...which is necessary to conquer while they run....like I do on some days. I'm not even close to joking when I say I really love stability...and this walk...it's a stretch. Through it all I am coming to know that there is no stability in life when you choose to walk out a very real, deeply intimate relationship with the Lord. The only stability there is in a walk with Him is the stability of God Himself....of knowing I am right where I'm supposed to be....right in the center of His will and purpose for my life. It does not exist in a job husband acquires or material possessions gained. It does not even exist with the food that currently occupies the refrigerator shelves....or the lack thereof. Just as George Mueller sat down with his hundreds of orphans and gave thanks for the food that not only did not sit on teh table but was nowhere in the orphanage so we trust daily that our needs will be met. And just as he gave thanks and ended the prayer the milkman knocked on the orphanage door stating his cart had a broken wheel and every bit of the milk was going to spoil...the milkman must give his cart full of milk to the orphanage. And after the milkman's departure came the bread man with enough loaves of bread to feed every child within the orphanage. And their breakfast needs that day were met for absolutely every child that he cared for and every caregiver that resided there....after he had given thanks for the food that they did not have. When you walk this radically with Him the only stability that exists is in Him. I'm not sure I really wanted to learn that or if I was really ready to grasp the idea that we would....but we're here now.....and we're learning it. How far??? How far am I willing to go before He brings me to the end of my comfort zone? Am I seriously going to sit here and say "no more" when the going gets a little bit rough....or merely uncomfortable????? Has he brought me this far to test me and see my limits...that I've put Him in a box and that I'm unwilling to go farther because I just can't let go and trust that He is in control in absolutely every way??? My heart was grieved beyond measure when I realized I could so potentially limit what He has the ability to do in our lives. It is now that we step out in faith...when the testing really heats up and life is no longer comfortable... and we say..."I'm here now and I'm not real in love with it but you're calling us to this and I will go. 'Be it unto me according to your word. You have spoken, Lord, and I have heard."

In this journey I have realized that perhaps many of His people are given a choice to do the radical but because of fear, or comfort, or both, few take the step. But I am learning that when you do the extreme and the radical and the world criticizes, condemns, sits in judgment, and then those that pop bon bons and popcorn sitting back in a recliner reading and watching it like a reality show, curious as to how it's all gonna end....the Lord begins to show up. And not in any small way. He begins to move and the earth begins to shake and the change within our hearts and our little family is really hard for even me to grasp or wrap my head around. I know that He's moving. I feel Him working. I see His hand in our everyday life...the fact that we have food from one day to the next....and I know there is more. There's so much more. It's knowing that in this walk we are being prepared for great and mighty things. Where and what they are....I don't even know. Soul searching husband doesn't know. But the Lord's spirit moves over us like the wind...we are protected, we are fed, we are provided for and we are in training for something so much bigger than our little tiny bubble of existence. The training ground which we occupy right now is intense and sobering but deep within it can be felt and there is something so much greater at stake.

I find it hard to get real without divulging specifics, as it's hard to ever try to read between the lines with people one has never met and I find it difficult to grasp a concept when people talk or write in shades of gray. This is the work God is doing, this is the very real essence of His existence and so I tell it like it is. There is no pity in this. There is no manipulative plea for support, as God has proven Himself entirely capable and more than sufficient in meeting our everyday needs, as it will become apparent as our story unfolds. Jobless husband finally scored his little job at the pizza joint....Domino's to be exact. In this humbling era of life he has given up a profession and title of firefighter/paramedic to learn the art of delivering pizzas and doing dishes. And in this season he is paid each night in cash for gas mileage and by tips from customers....which averages out to anywhere from 35.00 to 60.00 a day. And that cash is what pays for the next day's food for us....literally. As in....he brings it home and will head to the store the next morning to buy that day's food for our family. And we have been provided for daily. But as Christmas neared and pizza orders slowed with holiday food overtaking everyone's homes his shifts were not as many. He came home fairly irate one of these slow nights wondering, as was I, despite the many many supernatural miracles the Lord has done and continues to do on our behalf...where God is, why we are here and why in the world we would pray so fervently and feel so led to come here to end up at this place....delivering pizzas, doing dishes, and not knowing where tomorrow's food is coming from. The ability to do a huge Christmas dinner no longer existed and so he seethed and I grew quiet in despair. Where. is. God? Why? WHY? And what in the crap have we done by giving up a stable income and notable profession to be brought here to be doing this? What. the. crap.

My day had been more than a little difficult with overly bored, quarreling children begging to return home to Texas and obstacles continually having to be overcome around the house. I composed an entirely awful gripe post on here and felt quite justified in doing so. It was a rather large pity party on both searching husband's and my part. Deep within I couldn't hit the publish button on here....because there is so much that is greater in life....so much more. Who am I to complain about inconveniences when there is so much worse that could be endured? Was it not just merely 2 years ago sorrow could not be overcome and we were drowning in a sea of grief? Was it not just two years ago our 6 year old girl could no longer even hear out of her left ear due to being beaten and pummeled continuously on the side of her head while being raped? Two years ago we held a tiny, tiny lifeless baby in our hands, buried him and then watched as my body still refused to cooperate and return to any sense of normalcy. And here I sit griping about the fact the washer and dryer are not located optimally within our house, the toilet full of crap overflowed, there's 12 of us and we have 1 working toilet, I have to walk down the hallway in the middle of the night to a toilet farther away for a pregnant bladder that seems unable to hold any amount of liquid for longer than 5 minutes???? I'm griping over the fact the landlord never seems to want to go home and it's inconvenient for me? That it's a humid 77 degrees in the house and the air conditioner doesn't work??? I was reminded yet once more how the Israelites griped and complained over their circumstances when God was doing daily miracles on their behalf. He freed them from slavery, performed supernatural events to free them, continued to perform miracles to keep them alive and never let them go in need. Their shoes did not wear out...in 40 entire years. Their clothing stayed in good condition over the course of 40 entire years. They didn't even have to store and pack food on their backs or animals. God provided it daily. Yet they griped cause they were uncomfortable and did not like the current circumstances. I have sat with the children and criticized these very things in the Israelite people....they're griping and ungratefulness....talking and discussing how absolutely ungrateful they were when God was moving mountains....and parting seas...for them.

The ridiculousness and shame overwhelmed at my absolute lack of focus and the point of absolute self absorption to which I had digressed. After heater being broken for 2 weeks it had been fixed. In fixing heater they had broken air conditioner. But given that it's winter attentive landlord saw no need to rush on getting someone here. Afterall, we wouldn't be needing it for quite some time. As days climbed to 70 degrees here while our homeland saw temps falling into the 30's I grew irritable. We're on the freakin east coast. We moved here for 4 seasons and rain. It has now rained more in Texas than it has in NC since we've been here. It's now winterier in Texas with snow accumulation while our days here are stuck at a humid 70. While friends and family posted pics of inches of snow and perfect rounded snowmen I sat in utter pity and anger at my 70 degree day. When the indoor temp climbed to a humid 77 and the a/c could not be used I just got mad. Irate, actually. The remainder of the crap that had not spilled onto the bathroom floor and already been cleaned up still sat in the non working toilet. We have no furniture in our bedroom so husband and I live with our clothes in laundry baskets in our bedroom....some that fit in the tiny confines of the closet....some that don't. The only clothes in the family that are purposefully not integrated into the everybody basement closet below. And so my post ranted and grew angrier over our current circumstances.

My heart was gripped in conviction as the Lord spoke quietly..."Yes, the landlord is over here all the time...but he is here. He is attentive and you do not have an absent landlord that fixes nothing. You have a landlord that loves your family, likes your husband and actually wants to help you. You have a 70 degree day that is absolutely beautiful beyond words. You have clothes that need baskets. You have a toilet. You have water to run through the leak. Your needs are met." And it's all true. My pregnant bladder has a toilet to use. I am pregnant with a healthy wiggly baby. I have the joy of being inconvenienced by a pecan sized bladder. My children are not pooping in ditches or drinking putrid unclean water that will give them malaria. The landlord does fix stuff. And we are not in an apartment. We have an entirely fenced acre for our children to roam and a thousand trees for them to climb. Christmas dinner can just as easily be beans and rice as it can be turkey, ham, and sweet potato casserole. It's all in our perspective. It's what I choose to make of it.

So, I refrained from posting my gripe laden post and husband and I set out to make the best of what we have been given. With his 35.00 night of tips we decided on beans and rice, cornbread and pie for Christmas dinner. Children ran to greet mail lady that day, late in the afternoon on December 23rd. With her she brought boxes and boxes of cookies she had been given but chosen to pass on to our children. She is quite endeared to them all. Children rushed in with mail and cookies and I lay in the floor with husband opening mail. Christmas card opened from loved ones whom we have only spoken with once in the last 2 1/2 years and not seen in 3 years. Strained relationships that need healing in ways only the Lord can. Out of the card from them fell a gift card......enough to buy Christmas dinner. I tossed it at husband not really thinking of the meaning it held. He looked at me in awe, grinned and asked..."Do you not realize what this is????" I shook my head no in sobered state. He answered and stated what we are beginning to so totally realize in this journey.."Day to day. Do you not see that we are being fed day to day....literally? Here, quite literally, is Christmas dinner. He is moving in ways that are so much higher than our ways." He left early Christmas Eve and bought needed groceries in order to spend the day preparing food for Christmas day. Children cheered and I cried....humbled and embarrassed over my lack of faith and less than wonderful attitude about life. And so it was that Christmas day came and we sat down to a feast of ham, sweet potato casserole, fresh fruit salad, macaroni and cheese, rolls and pies. Enough to last until Monday night for dinner while he worked his next shift and brought home money for Tuesdays food. Manna.

Due to holidays he does not work Tues or Wed of this week so food for those days was in question. But by this point I'd been so convicted and have seen so clearly the hand of God moving continually within our lives and Brad's heart that Christmas day was merry and light hearted. I am coming to learn what it is to rest in Him....and trust. Trust implicitly. He does not leave us or forsake us. We are not abandoned and He supplies all of our needs. Very daily right now. Literal in every sense of the word. I think we have given daily a new sense of literal throughout this season of our lives. So, as we both prayed and began to see His hand at work and trust with more and more faith each day neither of us feared for meals later in the week. We rested that Monday food provision had been provided by a bounty of tasty leftovers, Tuesday's food was covered by Monday's shift and the rest of the week the Lord would take care of as the time came. Monday night, after children were tucked in bed, friend showed up at door with sacks and sacks of groceries. Enough to last for 2 entire weeks. And food has been provided for yet again for each meal. Cereal, milk, eggs, bread, turkey, fish, chicken, ham, and so much more. And we saw the hand of a God that gives and meets needs in His time as we learn to embrace the unknown and trust Him in ways one can never in a lifetime imagine.

Neither of us are sure where this season in our life will lead or why we're even learning to trust him so literally in the day to day aspect of our lives and that of our children. What we both know beyond anything in life right now is that He is real in every sense of the word and He is moving within our lives. He provides and is teaching us what is a true need and what is a luxury. The work has only begun as we are stretched to our limit and coming to learn a new normal, for now, and learn to rest in absolute trust. For years we have yearned to be used in ways few are willing. In order to be used mightily one must be trained intensely. He will not send an unwilling or inadequately trained person into battle. How can I gripe or complain or whine when we have waited so long for this day??? Te be called higher to a place He can use us in ways we couldn't have been used otherwise?? How can we ever be used if we are not trained appropriately? Over the course of the last few weeks the bigger picture is becoming evident. How amazing it is to be here at this place, learning and seeing things we would never have seen otherwise. How intense the training is but how sad it is to me that so many people settle for comfort and apathy. It's overwhelmingly scary to leave the stability and comfort of the known...the proven...to step out into such great wild unknown. But how greatly He can show Himself when one does. As my husband has come to state over the last few weeks...."Everybody says it's 'living on the edge....jumping off the edge.' In reality it's not the edge at all....it's right in the center of a pasture where He wants us to be. When we are this near to Him we are the farthest we've ever been from falling or risking all of life. We're safer than we've ever been....though it's a little heart stopping at times." Mediocrity, though comfortable, is a sad and dangerous place to be in life. It limits the Lord's ability to do great and mighty things through a person. He will not overcome a person's will and force them into places they do not want to be. It's a choice to step out in faith...but in stepping out one is given the ability to experience the depth and breadth and height of the Lord on such a greater level....to see things the ordinary life will never see. How much we would be missing right now. He never said it'd be comfortable and He definitely never said it'd be easy but it's a pretty amazing ride. And I have learned that in walking this out we have been given supernatural grace to live it out while bystanders are watching helplessly and a bit frantically as they fear for our future. But there is absolute supernatural peace to be where we are knowing that He is working it for His greater purpose and accomplishing things not yet seen.

Whether we end up being trusted with much financially and have learned what it is to do without in order to pour forth into others or whether this will eventually land us as missionaries in Kenya, Mozambique, the Philippines or Guatemala caring for the people that truly have nothing I know that this is serving a much greater purpose than we could ever know right now.

So, I learn to overcome the discomfort and joyfully use our one toilet, do laundry in the middle of the kitchen, be grateful that it is only 77 in the house without an a/c when it could easily be 85 or 90. And we learn to love our neighbors and bless them despite the fact they call animal control on our dogs and loathe the fact that bike riding children fill the slow paced street. And in continually loving them and blessing them, talking to them, we marvel at the goodness of the Lord as we watch their heart soften as they come to know our children and embrace what they have so resisted. I learn to choose joy because there is so much more. And He provides. We had Christmas dinner. In giving, our family has been blessed abundantly. And we serve an absolutely amazing God that grocery shops for us and delivers food to our door during this season of life. This learning curve of faith is overwhelmingly steep...but I can only imagine life once we have learned and mastered this aspect of it all.

Meet the Family

For those new to the blog....Merry Christmas from our family to your's!

As we celebrate Christmas far away from home and all of our family I thought it'd be appropriate to do a tribute post to all of the very loved family we left behind. I'm always curious about families of other people we meet and love to find out more about number of brothers and sisters, mom and dad and so forth. So, in honor of our families here's a post about them.


My Family. I grew up in the middle with one older sister, 5 years older, and one younger brother, 19 months younger. We were raised extremely conservatively in a non denominational church and homeschooled using ATI, the same curriculum the Duggar's use. My mom and dad divorced after 30 years of marriage sometime around '93.

My dad, Brad and I celebrating birthday dinner before we moved. Sept '11, 14 weeks pregnant with this growing baby. My dad lives in the DFW area of Texas. He's wonderful at documenting life in pictures so has a recent pic of each one of his kids with him. For Christmas last year he compiled for each one of us our life in pictures dating from the date of my parent's marriage to current. One of these days I'll put many childhood pictures on here since I now have the ability. We stay in touch regularly.

My mom, celebrating Thanksgiving with us this year. She currently lives in west Texas. We talk on the phone daily and she is one of the most missed aspects of home.

My older sister, by 5 years, with her family. They have 10 children ranging in age from 18-1 and live in the DFW area of Texas. A beautiful family that we deeply love and miss.

Jackie and Curtis

Madison, Curtis Wade, Maggie, Christian, Milly,

Mercy, Charles, Channing, Cyrus and Miriam

My sister, Jackie, with her husband, Curtis, and oldest 3 children.

Jackie with my dad.

My younger brother, Scott, by 19 months. He's unmarried and living in LA. Love this boy. We remain close and talk regularly.

Scott and my dad.

Brad's Family. He's the oldest in a family of 3, with a younger sister by 5 years and a younger brother by 7 years.

His mom and dad live in the Midland, Texas area and are still married. They're active members of their church and both play on the praise and worship team. They are deeply in love with our children and enjoy them on a frequent basis. I couldn't find any recent pics of them and didn't have the time nor patience to go looking. This was taken Thanksgiving of '07...despite what the date stamp may say. Gotta love the nose pickers in pics.

Brad's younger sister with her family. They have 2 children ages 4 and 1 and live in the Lubbock area of Texas. Abby's a photgrapher and very good at what she does!

Abby and Chris

Milo and Asher

Milo

Asher

Brad's younger brother, Ben. He passed away in Aug '03 at the age of 22. Still very loved and missed.

Feeling deeply blessed this season for the family we have in our lives and that continue to play such an active part in our children's. It is not a small thing to have so many that surround us in life with such love and encouragement and love our children so desperately. Missing the family and friends we left behind this Christmas.

When Heart Eyes Are Opened

They sit, eyes wide with wonder, as boxes are cut open and gifts, many of them, are lifted out. Many for each child. And I stand in awe of the work God does, as I watch their faces. Mail lady, desperately endeared to all of our children, dutifully brings packages almost daily now, delivering from many different addresses. UPS man, deathly afraid of dogs, waits at gate with boxes. So, we cut open boxes and lift brightly wrapped packages from their nesting place. After passing out has been done and all put away in a closet to wait for Christmas morning we sit and we talk.

Busily making hot chocolate mix for neighbors.

"Do you see what the Lord has done for you???? Do you see how you gave your money away and your "right" to presents and how He's come blessing over abundantly because He sees your heart??? You invested your money, your heart, your time, and you gave up your own desire for stuff to invest something into someone else's life that needed it far worse than you did. You expected nothing and were happily content to play games, fellowship and celebrate all Christmas day with a huge meal and look how blessed each of you have been for making the choice to sacrifice what we did."

"But, mom, we only gave money and these people are giving us things."

"Yes, but it took their time and money because of their love for you and they invested it into you just as you have invested your time and money into someone else you have never met but you already love. You expected absolutely nothing in return when you gave and were content to embrace all that you already have. You've seen others needs, have chosen them above your own desires, and you have been blessed in ways you never expected."

Their eyes light up with the realization of something far greater than they are. Suddenly all of life becomes real....the concept of giving everything away for the love of another to unexpectedly be blessed beyond words by a God that saw their hearts. It came from others removed from our family and the knowledge of what we have chosen to do for Christmas. It came completely unexpectedly to all of us and awe fills their faces as they begin to know the Lord and see Him work in ways we, as parents, could not teach. Supernatural blessings as the Lord pours forth one abundant blessing after another....this season in life driving husband and I to our knees as we are learn of His ways to such greater depths and our children live out His truths.

8 year old voice speaks up..."But, mom. We have everything we need. We have a bathroom and we all have beds. And we have lots of food. We don't need any of this stuff. They don't even have a bed."...speaking of the sibling group of 5 that had been picked up off the streets of Guatemala just yesterday. Oldest 9, clutching tightly to 1 year old brother on her hip, 7, 5, and 3 year old siblings standing scared and sober by her side. They'd been found eating dirt, were way too thin and living for an unknown extended period of time on the streets of the city. Plea put in for orphanage to make room for them...yet with only 3 rooms within the orphanage itself it was filled to maximum capacity with 32 children already. Still they brought them in, clothed, gave them haircuts, fed them and made pallets on the floor...loving on these children that have absolutely nothing in life and no hope... until yesterday. And our children sit...overcome by the abundance of what they have been given when they already have so much.

Late into the night, long after younger ones are sleeping, oldest asks in deep thought, "Mom...if Daddy gets a job where he will commute and it pays well like what they say....could we go be missionaries and him just commute from there instead?" Could I help build the bathrooms and help with building an addition to the children's home? We've done chickens...90 of them at a time....and I could teach them. We could raise them there. Money would go so far in other parts of the world. We'd have so much of it to pour back into helping the people. We could help, build and teach. We don't need everything we have here. And we can only help a few by adoption but we could help hundreds by living there."

I look into the green eyes of a 13 year old man child. I see his passion for life...to help and the spark that has been ignited by seeing beyond himself...that the world is so much bigger than his little life tucked away comfortably in the rolling hills of North Carolina. I see the same fire being kindled in the heart of an 11 year old girl and I wonder what God has in store for our family...for these children He has given us. He sits at computer mulling over pages..."If you look on here it only costs 25.00 to build a bathroom. They need medical people, birth attendants....you and daddy could do that....and the little ones...they could grow up in a place where they can help." I stand amazed at the things the Lord is capable of accomplishing in the hearts of children with a vision and a passion for life that have been given the tools to help in such a tiny amount. We have so little yet we've used what we had and a vision is fueled within their hearts.

I walk in Wal Mart, 7 out of 10 children by my side. We push cart, 3 year old chatting happily, 4 year old caroling and providing some Christmas cheer. It doesn't take long to discover the horrific attitude sported by most on such a beautiful day. Angry people push carts brimming over with material possessions. I whisper to children to pay attention to the overall mood in the place. It didn't take but seconds to find a gripy, angry, sour world inconvenienced by other humanity at the mere fact they even occupy space. I quickly realized it wasn't even that I had 7 children in tow. It wasn't anything even specific to our family. It was person to person, awful ugliness of even having to maneuver around someone else's physical being. Most would not even bother with eye contact but of the few that did the children and I flashed broad smiles in their direction. To my shock, no one even returned the smile. How angry and sullen the world is. As we shopped the sadness of reality began to sink in. These people...filling their baskets with gifts for others, have totally lost sight of the season and what they are supposed to be celebrating. Something so amazing as Christmas and the festivities that surround it have been totally lost and faded into obligatory giving and rotten attitudes that put the grinch to shame. Over-abundance of toys fill baskets, shoppers crowd toy isles and sigh sounds of utter disgust for others that pass by. Food isles filled with angry people that obviously know no lack of food provision. Such an angry, sullen place to be. These people have lost the vision...if they ever had one...just buying to buy for the sake of a commercialized holiday. And I watch our children, as people shove carts around them in anger..these children that only gave this Christmas....and their joy is unrivaled. They laugh, they talk, one sings, and the bustle of a season does not phase them because they have seen the blessing really is in giving....and they have experienced it now. I examine my own heart....it's light...feathery light and giddy with unexplained joy. My husband has no job, we're 1500 miles away from home, we're not sure how next month's bills are getting paid...but we gave and our children walk in truth. I begin to know to such a greater depth that "I have no greater joy than to know that my children walk in truth." I feel it. I can tangibly see it and we experience the blessings that come from living a life in obedience, despite the discomforts experienced along the way...because it's all just worth it. The joy that is felt is unrivaled..and the joy that lives within our children is worth it all. The anger, the rottenness, the self centeredness, and self focus of the public....it goes beyond saddening the heart. It grieves the soul to know what people are missing. There's so much more.....so very much more..than an obligatory gift to a child or grandchild already overwhelmed by material possessions or the drudgery felt by the gift giving. There's more and it's so far removed from traditional American thinking. How sad it is to be met with the reality of what is and the complete loss of a vision for the existence of others while, ironically, they shop for others, break the bank and live mad and angry. How much they have missed.

Neighbors eyes soften and joy fills faces as children stand at each door with a little piece of their heart...time, energy, effort, money....neatly stacked up in a glass jar..packed tightly with as much love as mess went into it. We return home, their voices tinkling like wind chimes light on air, hearts overflowing because of the little moment of joy they've brought to others. And they see that the mission field is right in their backyard...along with the one they've helped build thousands upon thousands of miles away.

This sacrifice...it's worth it all to see what we are beginning to see in the lives of our children. The discomfort...the pain of growth......the self sacrifice on every family members part to give to people beyond us that live in such greater need than we.....the joy, it overwhelms...the growth in them, I stand in awe. And yet once more...they have physically, tangibly seen the rewards for self sacrifice and how the Lord blesses those who lay down their life for another...even when one has so little to give. The visible blessings...they sit under our tree wrapped in brightly colored wrapping paper....totally and completely unexpected in every way for everyone within our little family.

Heart eyes have been opened wide to the vastness of the needs that lie beyond them.....others they will only know through pictures but they've already begun to love. They have seen that they can be used as vessels the Lord pours through. They're seeing that when you give it all without expectation the Lord comes abundantly filling heart with supernatural joy and unexpected blessing. There are blessings reaped when you choose to die to self.

For more information and to help expand the children's home in Solola, Guatemala click here.

Truly Random Thoughts From The Deep - daybook style

Outside my window....

a little boy armed with a metal bucket opener, army crawling through the leaves and brush, taking out birds and unseen enemies.

Completely and totally lost in his own world.

I am thinking....

that it's now midnight and I desperately need to run to Wal Mart...and it'd be so much easier to go right now without crowds, people, and kids in tow.....and without 2 teething babies....one of which has 5 teeth coming in, the other which has 6 coming in. But I'm so seriously tired..and a snoring husband beside me is not motivating me or helping my cause out any.

I am thankful.....
that when babies go longer than 2 minutes without a diaper they have the courtesy to poop on the linoleum kitchen floor and not on the carpet....not that it really would've shown up on the carpet at this point....but it definitely makes for easier cleaning.

I am wearing....jeans and a non maternity t-shirt, hair wildly unleashed, 3 pair of socks, and lookin quite hot for husband when he comes home...or as hot as one possibly can get when nearing 30 weeks pregnant.

I am remembering....

Garrett - "I know where it is! Cause I always know where stuff is...except when I don't. But I'm a good rememberer and I know all the time where it is. And I know where it is today....as soon as I find it." Umm....buddy? So, do you know where it is or not?

Ivye after Gavin accidently gave her a massively bloody nose while wrestling....which, of course, went all over the carpet...

"Gavin, you're really my best friend...alot"

Gavin - "Yep. I know I am...cause I make your nose bleed."

Ivye - "Yes you do. But we're still best friends always."

Such love.

I am going....

to not go to Wal Mart.

I am reading....

gift in a jar recipes, and the biography of Amy Carmichael...both of which are entirely interesting. Although, I have come to the definite conclusion that some gifts in a jar are just seriously better looking than others...despite the fact the ugly ones may get better taste ratings. But, if you're going to look at it in a jar it must be aesthetically pleasing, so taste is therefore secondary...though husband tends to disagree with that fact. As far as Amy Carmichael goes...and Gladys Alyward....it is absolutely impossible to read biographies such as their's and George Mueller's and not be moved beyond all of life with compassion and conviction. And since we are unable to adopt nationally having 10 biological children 13 and under and another very soon to come and funds are not available for an agency and international adoption I am not opposed to giving up all of life and the comforts of it to go and live among the orphans, minister to them, provide shelter and just love on them. I absolutely love children...and I think every one of them deserves to know the love, the joy, and the security that our children know. I want to be used mightily as those people were. Oh that the Lord would see something within our family that He could use to bless others that have nothing. Evye informed me earlier this week that she wants to be a missionary at the earliest age possible. It led into great discussion about how to be a missionary right where you are at the moment and then turned into researching the programs of Youth with a Mission. Her aspiration is to serve on a Mercy ship, see where she then feels led to go and serve in a country where the Lord places her. Oh, that all of our children would know and recognize that compassion and gift of service to other humanity. That they would know kindness and give their life away so that others can know the Lord like they do.

I am hoping....

that answers come soon, but how amazing it is and how grateful I am to watch the Lord's daily provision for us during this season. How faithful He is and how miraculous His ways. "He will supply all of our needs according to His riches." And He does in every way. This truly was "worst case scenario" in our book of what if's when contemplating the risk of moving and giving it all up in obedience to what we felt called to do and where to go. But despite judgement and opposing opinions from others He is there faithfully proving wrong every theory and criticism that comes our way as He provides so entirely creatively in different ways, meeting every one of our needs. And while we wait there is still joy, much laughter and lots of lightheartedness...even on the heavier days. There is joy to be found in the journey and the unknown. Whether we stay, head 1500 miles back west or blaze a trail 2500 miles north westward to the mountains of unseen states He is there..supernaturally providing and paving the entire way. It is absolutely one of the most amazing things in life to experience His provision on this level that so few will ever know. Despite the discomfort the rewards of obedience are being tangibly seen and felt and our children know intimately that He is a God that provides and still lives and performs miracles. He has provided monthly for bills and last week the church called. The lady on the other end, whom we had never met, said that someone had just dropped off many, many frozen meals that ranged from meatloaf, to lasagna, seafood, steaks, roasts, stuffed chicken breasts, spaghetti, and much more. There were two 13x9 inch pans of each main dish. They were given to the church to give to a large family. They knew we were somewhat new but word had spread quickly that we are the largest family within the church with many children 13 and under. They had been prepared for us and the happy lady asked if we were available to pick it up right then, as there were people there willing to bring it to us if we could not. With errand running husband walking out the door he just ran by while out and picked up tons and tons of 13x9 inch pans of complete meals prepared for our family. While feasting on these meals monetary gifts arrived by mail. Once tithe had been given, it provided for all of December's bills, and enough for children to give their jar gifts to neighbors and the gift they had chosen to give via World Vision and Voice of the Martyrs. Very early in the year after last Christmas we felt convicted to change the attitude of Christmas for our family. As we noticed the commercialism, greed, and saturation of self focus around this time of year both Brad and I became entirely saddened by what we saw taking place within our own children and their hearts as the season neared. As a result we began to pray fervently about where to go from that point. It did not take long for both of us to know what was being spoken to our heart in unison and we began to change the attitude of Christmas from "getting" to "giving". As I did school with them we talked extensively about what it is to give it all...everything...and that's what Christmas is...the giving of life so that He would later die for us to know true freedom and absolute forgiveness. Slowly everyone's mentality began to change and Christmas took on a whole new meaning for our little brood. Excitement was slow to come and resistance was initially experienced but as we began to our over pages of things people needed and how they can help sulleness began to grow into true enthusiasm and excitement. And over the course of a year our outlook slowly transitioned into Christmas being a time to give while birthdays are to celebrate their individual life, be blessed by others and receive. Their birthdays are their day while Christmas is Jesus' day. And one of the most amazing ways to honor and serve Him is to serve and give to others. It's radical. Way out there for some....but I have personally seen what it has done for our family and how amazing it is to have children eager to give instead of the self focus that the season usually brings. And with that new perspective came the recent concern of their's that funds would no longer be available to give the gift they had chosen for the people in another country that live in need of it. So, the arrival of funds to give their gift was yet another answer to one of their very specific prayers and a tangible way for them to see that when they walk in service to the Lord He provides in every way. It is amazing to see the awe on their faces and the absolute joy and wonder in their eyes as they realize that He is answering prayers daily and meeting every need of our family and the needs of others through us when they pray and walk in a close relationship with Him. My heart cries out that they would never stray from these things being taught to them. "All your children will be taught by the Lord and great shall be the peace of your children." The Lord is a much better teacher than I am. I am humbled by what He has done and is doing not only in Brad's and my life but in the lives of our children also.

On my mind....

crossfit. Husband talked to the trainer today. I'll be good to go come April 1st, assuming baby cooperates and comes no later than the 15th or so. Despite my best efforts of convincing my husband that I'll just stay home, P90X and run he insists that I be under supervision while working out unpregnant. But, according to the seemingly knowledgeable trainer, I am no more likely to get rabdo again than any other person walking down the street. The goal......just don't get sick, absolutely do not refrain from eating and drinking...no matter how much the appetite plummets while sick....and do not take antihistamines while being fanatical about working out....and, as always, use some sense in the deal. Very ready to be light on my feet again. I am desperately in love with our wiggling, squirming baby, and the 2nd trimester is absolute bliss....but there's something to be said for being able to workout like you mean it...and not be anemic while you're doing it.

Noticing that....

the more husband jiu jitsu's and crossfits the hotter he gets. I seriously love being married to a tatooed, earringed, sexy, tough, bald dude. I continue to stand in awe of his love and passion for me...all round and pregnant, hormonal, emotional and anal retentive about keeping things in order. I love that he just smiles in amusement when I grow impatient and restless and, despite his objections, proceed with doing everything he's told me not to do or to wait on him to do for me...like move 10 foot, 200 lb metal cabinets from the carport into tiny little spaces where it will serve more purpose and remove the eyesore. (which with Grayson's help the two of us not only scooted but stood on end while strategically fitting it through the tiny doorway to fit exactly....to the very inch...the space that I found for it.....a feat I was entirely proud of.) I love that he loves to cook and is willing to fix dinner almost every night. I am forever grateful he can humor my absolute dislike of the kitchen, lay down expectations of having a meal ready for him and just love me the way he does. I love the fact that he goes along with my spontaneous, crazy wild ideas and will drive 60 miles to see Christmas lights and ride a train with the children...despite the fact he gripes all the way over there and assures me I failed to make him aware of the fact it was 60 miles one way....while teething, tired babies cry and rowdy kids get way too loud on the 3rd and 4th rows of the van....yet he smiles through his griping while I laugh at the insanity of it all. And once train ride is over, kids have had hot chocolate, lights have been experienced and we're on the road home with sleeping babies and content kids we'll talk late into the night about all of life and where it goes from here. Our topics cover everything from emotions, to what ifs, to tentative plans, to recent events, to family and friends, to the entertaining trivial mundane that makes us both laugh. And while my heart leaps at the thought of the progress we potentially can make with a new, far away job it quivers at the thought of being separated from him for two weeks at a time on a regular basis. How in love I am with him...best friend, lover, companion, the one that balances me, keeps me laughing and keeps all of life in perspective.

Pondering....

the fact that Evye and Aubrey have games on my phone in which they have to regularly take care of their aquarium, which houses an entire sea of high maintenence fish, and horse stable, or the fish die and the horse goes as neglected so you "lose" ownership. Due to that they regularly ask if they can have my phone to take care of their fish and horse. Today Ivye asked, "Mom, may I please have your phone? I need to take care of my Angry Birds."

Around the house....
48 mason jars waiting to be filled by 8 eager kids armed with dry ingredients. This should be interesting.

Life in pictures.....
Instead of pics this time around I figured this might be more fun. Real life baby laughter. This could've been shorter but I kept thinking Graham would cooperate and wave bye. They both have the ability to melt hearts with their waves, give high fives, and can say a ton of words from yes ma'am, stop, don't, bye bye, here, thank you, 'welcome, yuck, Evye, Grayson, and a ton of other stuff. But, for now, baby giggles.

Searching

3:31 am. Sleep evades. House is quiet with night. I've stopped and started this post so many times. What to say....how to even convey feelings and emotions when they migrate from one end of the spectrum to another moment by moment....rocketing like a pendulum on steroids from rational to crazily emotional as I seek to find solace in the here and now...where we are and where we will be....wherever that is. I love stability.....alot. And as much as I state that I absolutely love living on the edge...there is no stability at all on the edge except for the one never changing constant in life...I serve a God that is all the stability I'll ever need. He is the beginning and end of stable. And so I sit...blank page staring back at me...glow of computer screen haunting the thought processes of brain...intimidation at its finest. I erase and start over...only to erase again and start over. I promise self most nights that I'll blog once house sleeps but the quiet overcomes and with it comes my own overwhelming need for sleep....escaping the fury of thoughts that seem to relentlessly rage during daylight hours. But I'm here....at 3:31 am....and though exhaustion overwhelms the brain, restless heart stirs within....and so I sit here now with half a page written, like all the other nights before.

How does one even begin to attempt to write of all the things God is doing? Of all the miraculous, supernatural ways He is providing? To do justice to the sustainer of life and tell the story accurately enough to testify of His overwhelming love, grace and mercy...provider of our life and His supernatural ways...that He still performs miracles? How can my meager, weak words ever measure up to the work He is doing on our behalf? And how...oh how....can I even begin to talk of discontent or a heart that paces restless within. How could I even begin to find fault with what we have been given? How is it possible for my heart to yearn for what was....or to even have to resist being unhappy here???? I don't know. I don't understand it. I don't even know where I want to be...heart torn between two worlds.

What I do know, the absolute greatest solace at the moment and comfort that restless heart seeks is knowing more than anything that worrying, obsessing, and anxiety do nothing and fix nothing in life. The Lord knows exactly where I am and where I need to be, where our family will be used the most, where we will learn the most. It is not up to me to decide where we need to be or to make the decision of whether to stay or return. It's not up to me to decide where I will be happiest....because in the end it's not about comfort and the warm fuzzy feelings of the good life. It's about whether we are where He wants us to be...because wherever that place is, is where true joy is found. Homesick yearnings of the heart may pervade but when all is said and done....there is no joy to be found unless we are walking where He wants us to be....literally and Spiritually. So, it is not my homesick heart's decision to decide our future. It is not my anxious heart's job to hurry home to stability, familiarity, and a steady income. It is my job to follow...and in following the joy is found...undercurrent running wildly...unseen.....so much joy to be found below the placid river of life when obedience occurs. Even the discomfort becomes joy when you walk in obedience. And so I walk in faith facing one of my worst fears....the lack of an income with 10 children in tow....and the unknown.

And I ponder and find it odd that two of my utmost fears in life have been losing a baby in the 2nd trimester, and working husband no longer having a job...facing the fear of losing it all once again in life. So, I've held tightly to both. The Lord in His mercy has been faithful to show me that through Him it is all conquerable. I have lost a baby at 14 weeks and He sustains. I have endured one of the longest miscarriages known to mankind...been given the most dire of predictions....and yet He sustains and overcomes. And here we are....willingly having given up everything to walk in obedience, having given up a stable income, steady job, pretty comfortable life, in faith that He is working on our behalf and He will use us, mold us, teach us. And once again I stare fear in the face...conquering, overcoming, through Him that which I thought would be imminent demise. And I know it's possible to overcome...because through Him it's all possible. And throughout it all the joy of the Lord is my strength...sometimes a fact...sometimes a choice I have to make.

Thoughts ramble. Take off directionless with too many words. I quiet the black and white printed noise. It overwhelms.

Wind blows cold after days and days of 60 degree weather. Drop in temperature can be felt through open window and tingling skin feels alive. Silhouette of undressed trees bending, bowing, dancing with grace, towering feet into the cold night air. I can't help but wonder if this is how Robin must have felt living in Sherwood Forest...buried in hills, living amidst trees so thick all of life blurs into one place. Light of full moon visible through barren trees, shines through open window. For the 1st time in months the moon can actually be seen through our forested life and the white light of night feels good...familiar silver light casting shadows of life on walls. When trees are clothed in full glory sunrise and sunset do not exist. The days grow light and then grow dark again. ..the ebb and flow of tides that can't be seen...just the light and the dark as evidence sunrise and sunset exist. And I realize that as much as I love our life buried in the forested hills I miss home. I miss the wide open spaces of ranches dotted with livestock. I miss lone Texas highways with hatted cowboys that wave in passing. I don't miss the drought. I don't miss the 110 degree months. I ponder these thoughts with deep conviction...wondering as to the restlessness of my own heart and where contentment lies....where my own heart lies. And a part of it yearns to return home. Crazy, psychotic, humbling admission of truth.

My heart has never occupied so many places in life at one time. How is it possible to be so deeply in love with life here yet yearn so overwhelmingly for home? I don't understand it. I love....really truly love....the church we have found. People surround us in love and have come to our side to take us in. It has been easy to become plugged in as people have embraced our family. It's been amazing for the children to meet friends and for Brad and I to fellowship with other couples..in a class where it's easy to laugh, easy to love and easy to become involved. It feels like home.

I love this part of the world. We drive past 100 acre farms and I know I could easily spend the entirety of my life here but I also know the reality of what is at the present moment. Reality is that we sacrificed much freedom to come here. Hunting, fishing children have been required to lay guns and poles aside. Free ranging children suddenly have very limited boundaries in which they can play and roam. Beyond our quiet, little, heavily populated street lies a very trafficked road. And beyond that lies a massive citified life. Resistance towards it is huge. Public outings with the entire family are limited due to the sheer number of people that populate this area. And on those days when I feel claustrophobic and want to get beyond the house, yet not hiking in the woods, I find there is nowhere to go that is not packed with flesh. And my heart cries for the freedom of home...rural Texas, spread out and without confinement. I deeply miss friends there yet embrace the new ones we have, and are being given, daily. My heart doesn't know where it belongs right now.

Because of this it is probably the most torn husband and I have ever been with opinions that drastically oppose each other. He, on the contrary, is quite in love with our exact location in every way. He loves the city life, being so close to every amenity there is, a jiu jitsu school of outstanding quality, the ability to crossfit, a church for which our hearts have yearned. Yet if I had it my way I'd find a rent house on 20 acres an hour away from here and just make the drive in for church. But once again, there is overwhelming comfort that comes from walking in obedience. We both are fully aware that it's not about what he wants or what I want or who has to give up their dream for the other...it's about where we are led next and we both go because we know the joy is in obedience and the sacrifice. So, we stay here for now and I find the joy of city life and I don't worry about income or what and where comes next. We let the children experience parades, we hike up in the nearby hills, we do road trips to nearby towns just to see what lies beyond. Tomorrow night we take them to see a huge Christmas light show 60 miles from here complete with 2.00 miniature train ride, hot chocolate, and candy canes for the entire family. We enjoy this season in life because no one knows what is to come or just how long it will last. And if we stay I know there is joy to be found here despite how deeply I miss friends and freedom that were left behind. And if we return I know there is joy despite awful Texas summers because I know we return to relationships and rural freedom most children will never experience.

Wildly rambling thoughts come to a close, as they're hard for anyone to actually follow. Volatile heart is forced to quiet the quivering of bipolar emotions. I return to share the bed with a husband that is desperately in love with me...despite my own confused heart....this man that has come looking for me twice already in the dark night hours, stating the bed is lonely and sleep is difficult in my absence. When wildly thundering thoughts quiet someday maybe I'll resume blogging a bit more than I do at the present moment.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Christmas parade.

60 degree days on the east coast while our Texas home is experiencing highs barely reaching 30.

The inevitable, annual Christmas tree fatality.

Santa's new elf. It's hard getting acclimated to climate beyond the north pole.

When they don't get belted in highchairs.

2011 Family Picture

Yes...we did it all in our pj's. I didn't have the energy or patience to try and find coordinating clothes this year. So, as long as we weren't going with fashion coordinated colors I figured we'd be as loud, rowdy, fun and colorful as it gets. The Christmas card was supposed to say "May the joy of Christmas night be your's throughout this season and the new year." But...since Christmas cards may or may not happen this year impatience got the better of me so I just posted it. But...if you get a Christmas card from us....this'll be it! I figured it was worth posting. It is, in fact, the 1st family picture we've done since having only 3 kids. Sooo...something like 7 kids ago. And let it be known....it was all done by a timer and a tripod. I was fairly impressed by the children's ability to sit there long enough to cooperate with a timer and photographerless, personality-less camera. Not bad. May just have to do this more often since we've found it is entirely possible. Gatlin forever had his head turned in absolutely every picture as he watched timer setting husband run from camera to designated spot. Makes for some fun memories that last long after the picture session comes to an end. There was lots of laughter that went on behind the scenes.

And even though you can't entirely tell....baby's sitting at 25 weeks at the time of picture. It's so squished up and hidden it just kinda makes everything look a little round.

By Cloud and Fire

I've started and stopped this post many times. Halted in tracks knowing what common opinion will be. But in the end....it is our life, it is our story, and it is the testimony we are being given...the journey of life the Lord has us walking. Without documenting the details it is nothing but what the world wants to hear......the politically correct version of our life. And any frequent reader of this blog now knows well that this is far from being a politically correct blog. Because politically correct is merely a facade and a pretty rose colored version of what everyone wants to hear. So, despite the inactivity on this blog and what appears to have become a very normal, routine life as we adjust to a new land it is, in fact, far from that. It has become the most thought intensive, sobering, prayerful place we have been in a long while. We both know that by the world's standards it has the ability to appear to be indecisive, irresponsible, filled with instability, a little bit insane...or perhaps just a mid life crisis....with almost 11 children in tow. But Brad and I both know more than anything in life that we are right where the Lord wants us and where we are supposed to be at this very moment in life. It is where He has us and though we may not know why or understand why, the peace that consumes and the passion and hunger to know more and walk in obedience is overwhelming. There is an element of being stripped, humbled, and an honesty and purity that is felt to such great depths right now that it is quite unrivaled. Because of it the peace is unsurpassed and the joy is deep rooted...oceans of joy and peace that cannot be explained or understood. And we live and we breathe and we love moment by moment, knowing we are being led by the Lord....that it is not us that directs our footsteps but the very real presence of the Holy Spirit as we walk. Right now at this point in our life we truly do follow a cloud by day and a fire by night and we know not where we go...however, we do know that we are being led by One who does know and has a very specific plan and story for our life and that of our family's.








"The Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and He provided light at night with a pillar of fire. This allowed them to travel by day or by night. And the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people.... Now whenever the cloud lifted from the Holy dwelling the people would set out on their journey, following it. But if the cloud did not rise, they remained where they were until it lifted. The cloud of the Lord hovered during the day and at night fire glowed inside the cloud so the whole family could see it. This continued throughout all their journeys." Ex 13:21-22, 40:36-38






Fire pops and crackles. I sit in comfort wrapped in the romantic ideal of it all. But it's precisely just that....romantic idealism. Reality is different....very different. Heart rests in total peace and serenity the majority of the days...but then it seems to leap, skip a beat, miss numerous ones at a time and then try to make up for what was lost. Tears do not come often....very rarely, in fact. But during this life changing season it leaves one vulnerable, risking "reputation", and feeling very overwhelmingly exposed....and tears fall. Tears of what could've been, tears of having to relinquish the selfish dream, tears of the unknown, tears of every kind of mixed emotion. There remains excitement in the journey, anticipation of all that awaits, love of the unknown, knowing that we have not even begun to reach the end of the excitement.....yet more change. Lots of it. Despite tears there is joy...lots of it.....knowing we travel a road that consists of twists and turns we never could foresee and adventures far beyond anything we could've ever humanly manufactured. We are learning to bend and mold as he shapes us. We learn to remain flexible, and just embrace the joy of the journey.

We came here for a reason. He had a reliable source of potential work lined up that promised to make more than what fire departments will ever pay. But it was not everything they led us to believe and once we arrived here, when the details of the job were finally made known, it was something with which neither one of us ever felt we could go through with or had any level of comfort doing. That left returning to the fire profession....something we thought we were done with in life, but brought comfort in familiarity.

Fire departments hire slowly. They have to post a test date which can be as long as 6 months away, then hold a physical agility test, a written test...usually in different weeks. If those are passed you proceed on to background check...takes weeks, credit check, and other numerous forms of red tape before proceeding to the interview process, which can take up to 3 weeks depending on the number of guys that have progressed that far. In all....about a 12 week process from the actual test date to being hired....sometimes longer. The soonest test date here is in January....the next few not until July. We don't have until January to test and mid March to start work. And returning to rookie pay is not optimal by any stretch. It leaves our future here a bit bleak. In the meantime we have exhausted all forms of temporary work. Laying pride aside and knowing we will do whatever the Lord puts in front of us, he has applied far and wide...from every grocery store, to big box chains, to fast food, to UPS, FedEx part time for the holiday season.....even delivery truck driver for Blue Bell ice cream. Have to admit...I wasn't so opposed to that one. Nothing for weeks came through. Nothing at all. As in....supernatural shutting of doors here...taking an act of God Himself to keep us from generating any kid of income here. We have continued to stay on our knees and seek the Lord's direction for our lives. Neither of us have any desire to be where we are not intended to be, or to become lodged and stuck due to a dream or idea we had when it was never meant to be permanent. I have to say....I wasn't quite ever anticipating temporary to consist of 8 weeks....or even less than a year. I really wasn't anticipating this to be temporary at all. It was a dream fulfilled in every way for us. But, in all of this, I have come to learn in a very intimate way that the dream is not where you can live out your life in comfort and romantic ideals but very much where the Lord is...where His wind blows for the direction of our life. It's not in the surreal experience of watching leaves change and fall like blankets from the sky when the wind blows. It's about where His presence is and if we are willing to follow it...even back to our seemingly undesirable homeland. If He provided the opportunity of a lifetime but it consisted of returning "home" would we go???? If He was there equipping us with everything we need to push farther in life would we stay here in and choose to be content with "good" for the supposed dream we possessed or would we follow through the discomfort of relinquishing it all to reach a goal that lies beyond and stay in His will? Admittedly, it's been a hard thought to swallow...returning to barren desert land after rain and leaves and color and trees. Dreams long possessed.

But when all is said and done...we both know. He has moved upon our hearts both individually and together that He is giving us opportunities and opening up doors that have never been opened...would never have been opened had we chosen not to obey when we heard His voice and laid aside the fear to follow. Perhaps it took us moving here to get beyond the comfort zone and be willing to look outside of the box....think of alternatives....allowing doors to be opened that we would not have seen or knocked on otherwise.

So, we wait to see what the future holds. Perhaps a return to our homeland. We won't know anything more until after the first of the year. Being born and raised oil and having a mother that works within it, our knowledge and contacts in the field are fairly extensive. And oil provides an income...one that we would be supernaturally blessed to experience. And oil is.....in Texas....and the west. Perhaps in the next few years we can move northward with it and live our dream in Colorado or even as far as Montana...ranching and gardening where the grass grows green, rain falls, leaves change and wildlife roams on rural thousand acre ranches. One thing is certain...there is nothing rural on the east coast. It is, in fact, quite populated in every way. I would've stayed happily and eagerly...and still would.....but it is nothing like the stretches of lone Texas highways and sprawling ranches. I love the trees here. I really really passionately love the trees...towering tall and stately over all of life, singing in the wind, bending, stooping, whispering. And I love everything living here offers for outdoor living for families. It's dreamy here. Truly like the books. But dreamy has a limit when one is faced with absolutely no income whatsoever....and of the income that might oneday be possessed...it lacks substantially in being able to provide and meet the basic needs of family. This is far from what we came here anticipating. And what potentially awaits after the 1st of the year stands to be more than we ever anticipated....but it also happens to be 1500 miles back the other direction....perhaps as far as 2500 miles the opposite direction depending on where the road leads.

Our hearts are torn between what we have experienced here and where we may be called....but in the end, we will go where pillar of cloud and fire lead. We have found a church we absolutely love. People, new friends, relationships, children thrive, many homeschoolers. Grayson has been already invited to be a part of the homeschool football team next summer. Music is amazing and offers drumming husband an opportunity to be a part of amazing praise and worship for which our hearts yearn. Babies stay with us during praise and worship and 8 oldest children sit through service with us and then everyone takes part in classes giving them an opportunity to meet others here and become involved both with people and the community. We love what we have found and cherish the blossoming relationships we have been given. God is indeed good and if we are led away from this place than I know that He will be faithful to provide relationships, a church and people in yet another new place for us. And in the meantime we live in the moment and embrace that with which He has surrounded us right now. And I don't think of the heartache of leaving because we are here now and I will do what is in front of me at the moment. If and when the day comes to leave this place than I know we will be given the grace and the strength to do what has been set before us during that portion of our journey.








We are committed here until next Sept. Job opportunity far away may open up as soon as early spring. If it does, which right now it seems as though it will from what we have been told, children and I will stay here while 2 week on/2 week off husband flies back and forth. 14 days here with us and 14 days 8 states away. I will have a baby here and at some point in late summer we would move to join him in the state he has been stationed. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or where we will eventually end up. But I do know there is joy in the journey. Unexpected, never boring, twists, curves and turns.








Last month we received a gift in the mail that was exactly enough to cover the living expenses we had for 6 weeks. While coming to the end of that and knowing not where to go from there we continued to have faith that the Lord is our provider, He has placed us here, and we will not fear. We received a gift last night that will cover the next four weeks...all while praying quietly, trusting and saying nothing at all to anyone of the needs that existed or the ones that will soon arise. It is overwhelmingly apparent we are being supernaturally provided for.....a family of 12 and all of our needs are met moment by moment. We have sacrificed in many areas and eating out has become non existent but the joy remains and we have fun in other ways. Sunday as church ended we were asked if we would be joining the usual crowd that fellowships over lunch. We declined but were approached not long after by a sweet family that wanted to treat our entire family to lunch.....an extravagant act of love in every way. And so, even in the "deprivation" of some things not only are our needs met but the desires of our children's hearts have been attended to by the Lord...something we could physically not have done at this point. He does indeed care for what He has given us.



It should also be noted here that while the Israelites walked in obedience and according to His will, following the pillars of cloud and fire, that God performed numerous miracles on their behalf because of His great passionate love for them, His desire to bring them out of exile, and because they had chosen to stay obedient, despite the many grumblings and bad attitudes they possessed along the way. As long as they followed, the miracles were many. It was during this time God parted the Red Sea and allowed them to cross...one of the more well known miracles that took place in their journey. I stay humbled and I weep at the fact the Lord knows Brad and I so intimately that He is guiding us moment by moment, feeding us, and meeting our every need. He cares and knows us so intimately that He knows exactly how much....to the penny....that it takes for us to live and supply us. His passion is great and His love overwhelming. I stand in awe of a God that takes heed of our family and has enough interest in us to give us a story worth telling. We don't know where we are going but He does....and that fact alone amazes me. We are far from being forsaken or abandon....quite the contrary in every way. He is talking to us and His presence can be felt within our family and throughout our days here as we trust Him implicitly. It is humbling and has the ability to drop me to my knees in tears because I feel Him and I know He is here. And our children are being raised with the knowledge and proof that He is a living God. They are seeing Him work, they are listening to Him speak, and they are each seeing it and experiencing it intimately as He performs miracles on His people's behalf when they choose to listen and walk in obedience.





Update: Within the last 24 hours of the 5 days it has taken me to write this post we received a phone call that a humble little job has opened up and jobless husband is now employed. The wages are just enough to meet the immediate monthly needs and living expenses our family generates. As we wait for the 1st of the year to see what the Lord has planned for our future our needs are met for this time. It is a temporary solution but it is indeed an answer to prayer in every way. God is good and we are indeed provided for in every way. So, our story's not quite over yet and it appears the journey has only just begun.





"There is more to your life than you ever imagined. There is more to your story than what you have read."





We live anticipating the rest...whether it be settling here permanently, returning to our homeland, or blazing an unpaved trail to a land 2500 miles away.