By Cloud and Fire

I've started and stopped this post many times. Halted in tracks knowing what common opinion will be. But in the end....it is our life, it is our story, and it is the testimony we are being given...the journey of life the Lord has us walking. Without documenting the details it is nothing but what the world wants to hear......the politically correct version of our life. And any frequent reader of this blog now knows well that this is far from being a politically correct blog. Because politically correct is merely a facade and a pretty rose colored version of what everyone wants to hear. So, despite the inactivity on this blog and what appears to have become a very normal, routine life as we adjust to a new land it is, in fact, far from that. It has become the most thought intensive, sobering, prayerful place we have been in a long while. We both know that by the world's standards it has the ability to appear to be indecisive, irresponsible, filled with instability, a little bit insane...or perhaps just a mid life crisis....with almost 11 children in tow. But Brad and I both know more than anything in life that we are right where the Lord wants us and where we are supposed to be at this very moment in life. It is where He has us and though we may not know why or understand why, the peace that consumes and the passion and hunger to know more and walk in obedience is overwhelming. There is an element of being stripped, humbled, and an honesty and purity that is felt to such great depths right now that it is quite unrivaled. Because of it the peace is unsurpassed and the joy is deep rooted...oceans of joy and peace that cannot be explained or understood. And we live and we breathe and we love moment by moment, knowing we are being led by the Lord....that it is not us that directs our footsteps but the very real presence of the Holy Spirit as we walk. Right now at this point in our life we truly do follow a cloud by day and a fire by night and we know not where we go...however, we do know that we are being led by One who does know and has a very specific plan and story for our life and that of our family's.








"The Lord went ahead of them. He guided them during the day with a pillar of cloud, and He provided light at night with a pillar of fire. This allowed them to travel by day or by night. And the Lord did not remove the pillar of cloud or pillar of fire from its place in front of the people.... Now whenever the cloud lifted from the Holy dwelling the people would set out on their journey, following it. But if the cloud did not rise, they remained where they were until it lifted. The cloud of the Lord hovered during the day and at night fire glowed inside the cloud so the whole family could see it. This continued throughout all their journeys." Ex 13:21-22, 40:36-38






Fire pops and crackles. I sit in comfort wrapped in the romantic ideal of it all. But it's precisely just that....romantic idealism. Reality is different....very different. Heart rests in total peace and serenity the majority of the days...but then it seems to leap, skip a beat, miss numerous ones at a time and then try to make up for what was lost. Tears do not come often....very rarely, in fact. But during this life changing season it leaves one vulnerable, risking "reputation", and feeling very overwhelmingly exposed....and tears fall. Tears of what could've been, tears of having to relinquish the selfish dream, tears of the unknown, tears of every kind of mixed emotion. There remains excitement in the journey, anticipation of all that awaits, love of the unknown, knowing that we have not even begun to reach the end of the excitement.....yet more change. Lots of it. Despite tears there is joy...lots of it.....knowing we travel a road that consists of twists and turns we never could foresee and adventures far beyond anything we could've ever humanly manufactured. We are learning to bend and mold as he shapes us. We learn to remain flexible, and just embrace the joy of the journey.

We came here for a reason. He had a reliable source of potential work lined up that promised to make more than what fire departments will ever pay. But it was not everything they led us to believe and once we arrived here, when the details of the job were finally made known, it was something with which neither one of us ever felt we could go through with or had any level of comfort doing. That left returning to the fire profession....something we thought we were done with in life, but brought comfort in familiarity.

Fire departments hire slowly. They have to post a test date which can be as long as 6 months away, then hold a physical agility test, a written test...usually in different weeks. If those are passed you proceed on to background check...takes weeks, credit check, and other numerous forms of red tape before proceeding to the interview process, which can take up to 3 weeks depending on the number of guys that have progressed that far. In all....about a 12 week process from the actual test date to being hired....sometimes longer. The soonest test date here is in January....the next few not until July. We don't have until January to test and mid March to start work. And returning to rookie pay is not optimal by any stretch. It leaves our future here a bit bleak. In the meantime we have exhausted all forms of temporary work. Laying pride aside and knowing we will do whatever the Lord puts in front of us, he has applied far and wide...from every grocery store, to big box chains, to fast food, to UPS, FedEx part time for the holiday season.....even delivery truck driver for Blue Bell ice cream. Have to admit...I wasn't so opposed to that one. Nothing for weeks came through. Nothing at all. As in....supernatural shutting of doors here...taking an act of God Himself to keep us from generating any kid of income here. We have continued to stay on our knees and seek the Lord's direction for our lives. Neither of us have any desire to be where we are not intended to be, or to become lodged and stuck due to a dream or idea we had when it was never meant to be permanent. I have to say....I wasn't quite ever anticipating temporary to consist of 8 weeks....or even less than a year. I really wasn't anticipating this to be temporary at all. It was a dream fulfilled in every way for us. But, in all of this, I have come to learn in a very intimate way that the dream is not where you can live out your life in comfort and romantic ideals but very much where the Lord is...where His wind blows for the direction of our life. It's not in the surreal experience of watching leaves change and fall like blankets from the sky when the wind blows. It's about where His presence is and if we are willing to follow it...even back to our seemingly undesirable homeland. If He provided the opportunity of a lifetime but it consisted of returning "home" would we go???? If He was there equipping us with everything we need to push farther in life would we stay here in and choose to be content with "good" for the supposed dream we possessed or would we follow through the discomfort of relinquishing it all to reach a goal that lies beyond and stay in His will? Admittedly, it's been a hard thought to swallow...returning to barren desert land after rain and leaves and color and trees. Dreams long possessed.

But when all is said and done...we both know. He has moved upon our hearts both individually and together that He is giving us opportunities and opening up doors that have never been opened...would never have been opened had we chosen not to obey when we heard His voice and laid aside the fear to follow. Perhaps it took us moving here to get beyond the comfort zone and be willing to look outside of the box....think of alternatives....allowing doors to be opened that we would not have seen or knocked on otherwise.

So, we wait to see what the future holds. Perhaps a return to our homeland. We won't know anything more until after the first of the year. Being born and raised oil and having a mother that works within it, our knowledge and contacts in the field are fairly extensive. And oil provides an income...one that we would be supernaturally blessed to experience. And oil is.....in Texas....and the west. Perhaps in the next few years we can move northward with it and live our dream in Colorado or even as far as Montana...ranching and gardening where the grass grows green, rain falls, leaves change and wildlife roams on rural thousand acre ranches. One thing is certain...there is nothing rural on the east coast. It is, in fact, quite populated in every way. I would've stayed happily and eagerly...and still would.....but it is nothing like the stretches of lone Texas highways and sprawling ranches. I love the trees here. I really really passionately love the trees...towering tall and stately over all of life, singing in the wind, bending, stooping, whispering. And I love everything living here offers for outdoor living for families. It's dreamy here. Truly like the books. But dreamy has a limit when one is faced with absolutely no income whatsoever....and of the income that might oneday be possessed...it lacks substantially in being able to provide and meet the basic needs of family. This is far from what we came here anticipating. And what potentially awaits after the 1st of the year stands to be more than we ever anticipated....but it also happens to be 1500 miles back the other direction....perhaps as far as 2500 miles the opposite direction depending on where the road leads.

Our hearts are torn between what we have experienced here and where we may be called....but in the end, we will go where pillar of cloud and fire lead. We have found a church we absolutely love. People, new friends, relationships, children thrive, many homeschoolers. Grayson has been already invited to be a part of the homeschool football team next summer. Music is amazing and offers drumming husband an opportunity to be a part of amazing praise and worship for which our hearts yearn. Babies stay with us during praise and worship and 8 oldest children sit through service with us and then everyone takes part in classes giving them an opportunity to meet others here and become involved both with people and the community. We love what we have found and cherish the blossoming relationships we have been given. God is indeed good and if we are led away from this place than I know that He will be faithful to provide relationships, a church and people in yet another new place for us. And in the meantime we live in the moment and embrace that with which He has surrounded us right now. And I don't think of the heartache of leaving because we are here now and I will do what is in front of me at the moment. If and when the day comes to leave this place than I know we will be given the grace and the strength to do what has been set before us during that portion of our journey.








We are committed here until next Sept. Job opportunity far away may open up as soon as early spring. If it does, which right now it seems as though it will from what we have been told, children and I will stay here while 2 week on/2 week off husband flies back and forth. 14 days here with us and 14 days 8 states away. I will have a baby here and at some point in late summer we would move to join him in the state he has been stationed. I don't know. I don't know what the future holds or where we will eventually end up. But I do know there is joy in the journey. Unexpected, never boring, twists, curves and turns.








Last month we received a gift in the mail that was exactly enough to cover the living expenses we had for 6 weeks. While coming to the end of that and knowing not where to go from there we continued to have faith that the Lord is our provider, He has placed us here, and we will not fear. We received a gift last night that will cover the next four weeks...all while praying quietly, trusting and saying nothing at all to anyone of the needs that existed or the ones that will soon arise. It is overwhelmingly apparent we are being supernaturally provided for.....a family of 12 and all of our needs are met moment by moment. We have sacrificed in many areas and eating out has become non existent but the joy remains and we have fun in other ways. Sunday as church ended we were asked if we would be joining the usual crowd that fellowships over lunch. We declined but were approached not long after by a sweet family that wanted to treat our entire family to lunch.....an extravagant act of love in every way. And so, even in the "deprivation" of some things not only are our needs met but the desires of our children's hearts have been attended to by the Lord...something we could physically not have done at this point. He does indeed care for what He has given us.



It should also be noted here that while the Israelites walked in obedience and according to His will, following the pillars of cloud and fire, that God performed numerous miracles on their behalf because of His great passionate love for them, His desire to bring them out of exile, and because they had chosen to stay obedient, despite the many grumblings and bad attitudes they possessed along the way. As long as they followed, the miracles were many. It was during this time God parted the Red Sea and allowed them to cross...one of the more well known miracles that took place in their journey. I stay humbled and I weep at the fact the Lord knows Brad and I so intimately that He is guiding us moment by moment, feeding us, and meeting our every need. He cares and knows us so intimately that He knows exactly how much....to the penny....that it takes for us to live and supply us. His passion is great and His love overwhelming. I stand in awe of a God that takes heed of our family and has enough interest in us to give us a story worth telling. We don't know where we are going but He does....and that fact alone amazes me. We are far from being forsaken or abandon....quite the contrary in every way. He is talking to us and His presence can be felt within our family and throughout our days here as we trust Him implicitly. It is humbling and has the ability to drop me to my knees in tears because I feel Him and I know He is here. And our children are being raised with the knowledge and proof that He is a living God. They are seeing Him work, they are listening to Him speak, and they are each seeing it and experiencing it intimately as He performs miracles on His people's behalf when they choose to listen and walk in obedience.





Update: Within the last 24 hours of the 5 days it has taken me to write this post we received a phone call that a humble little job has opened up and jobless husband is now employed. The wages are just enough to meet the immediate monthly needs and living expenses our family generates. As we wait for the 1st of the year to see what the Lord has planned for our future our needs are met for this time. It is a temporary solution but it is indeed an answer to prayer in every way. God is good and we are indeed provided for in every way. So, our story's not quite over yet and it appears the journey has only just begun.





"There is more to your life than you ever imagined. There is more to your story than what you have read."





We live anticipating the rest...whether it be settling here permanently, returning to our homeland, or blazing an unpaved trail to a land 2500 miles away.