Searching

3:31 am. Sleep evades. House is quiet with night. I've stopped and started this post so many times. What to say....how to even convey feelings and emotions when they migrate from one end of the spectrum to another moment by moment....rocketing like a pendulum on steroids from rational to crazily emotional as I seek to find solace in the here and now...where we are and where we will be....wherever that is. I love stability.....alot. And as much as I state that I absolutely love living on the edge...there is no stability at all on the edge except for the one never changing constant in life...I serve a God that is all the stability I'll ever need. He is the beginning and end of stable. And so I sit...blank page staring back at me...glow of computer screen haunting the thought processes of brain...intimidation at its finest. I erase and start over...only to erase again and start over. I promise self most nights that I'll blog once house sleeps but the quiet overcomes and with it comes my own overwhelming need for sleep....escaping the fury of thoughts that seem to relentlessly rage during daylight hours. But I'm here....at 3:31 am....and though exhaustion overwhelms the brain, restless heart stirs within....and so I sit here now with half a page written, like all the other nights before.

How does one even begin to attempt to write of all the things God is doing? Of all the miraculous, supernatural ways He is providing? To do justice to the sustainer of life and tell the story accurately enough to testify of His overwhelming love, grace and mercy...provider of our life and His supernatural ways...that He still performs miracles? How can my meager, weak words ever measure up to the work He is doing on our behalf? And how...oh how....can I even begin to talk of discontent or a heart that paces restless within. How could I even begin to find fault with what we have been given? How is it possible for my heart to yearn for what was....or to even have to resist being unhappy here???? I don't know. I don't understand it. I don't even know where I want to be...heart torn between two worlds.

What I do know, the absolute greatest solace at the moment and comfort that restless heart seeks is knowing more than anything that worrying, obsessing, and anxiety do nothing and fix nothing in life. The Lord knows exactly where I am and where I need to be, where our family will be used the most, where we will learn the most. It is not up to me to decide where we need to be or to make the decision of whether to stay or return. It's not up to me to decide where I will be happiest....because in the end it's not about comfort and the warm fuzzy feelings of the good life. It's about whether we are where He wants us to be...because wherever that place is, is where true joy is found. Homesick yearnings of the heart may pervade but when all is said and done....there is no joy to be found unless we are walking where He wants us to be....literally and Spiritually. So, it is not my homesick heart's decision to decide our future. It is not my anxious heart's job to hurry home to stability, familiarity, and a steady income. It is my job to follow...and in following the joy is found...undercurrent running wildly...unseen.....so much joy to be found below the placid river of life when obedience occurs. Even the discomfort becomes joy when you walk in obedience. And so I walk in faith facing one of my worst fears....the lack of an income with 10 children in tow....and the unknown.

And I ponder and find it odd that two of my utmost fears in life have been losing a baby in the 2nd trimester, and working husband no longer having a job...facing the fear of losing it all once again in life. So, I've held tightly to both. The Lord in His mercy has been faithful to show me that through Him it is all conquerable. I have lost a baby at 14 weeks and He sustains. I have endured one of the longest miscarriages known to mankind...been given the most dire of predictions....and yet He sustains and overcomes. And here we are....willingly having given up everything to walk in obedience, having given up a stable income, steady job, pretty comfortable life, in faith that He is working on our behalf and He will use us, mold us, teach us. And once again I stare fear in the face...conquering, overcoming, through Him that which I thought would be imminent demise. And I know it's possible to overcome...because through Him it's all possible. And throughout it all the joy of the Lord is my strength...sometimes a fact...sometimes a choice I have to make.

Thoughts ramble. Take off directionless with too many words. I quiet the black and white printed noise. It overwhelms.

Wind blows cold after days and days of 60 degree weather. Drop in temperature can be felt through open window and tingling skin feels alive. Silhouette of undressed trees bending, bowing, dancing with grace, towering feet into the cold night air. I can't help but wonder if this is how Robin must have felt living in Sherwood Forest...buried in hills, living amidst trees so thick all of life blurs into one place. Light of full moon visible through barren trees, shines through open window. For the 1st time in months the moon can actually be seen through our forested life and the white light of night feels good...familiar silver light casting shadows of life on walls. When trees are clothed in full glory sunrise and sunset do not exist. The days grow light and then grow dark again. ..the ebb and flow of tides that can't be seen...just the light and the dark as evidence sunrise and sunset exist. And I realize that as much as I love our life buried in the forested hills I miss home. I miss the wide open spaces of ranches dotted with livestock. I miss lone Texas highways with hatted cowboys that wave in passing. I don't miss the drought. I don't miss the 110 degree months. I ponder these thoughts with deep conviction...wondering as to the restlessness of my own heart and where contentment lies....where my own heart lies. And a part of it yearns to return home. Crazy, psychotic, humbling admission of truth.

My heart has never occupied so many places in life at one time. How is it possible to be so deeply in love with life here yet yearn so overwhelmingly for home? I don't understand it. I love....really truly love....the church we have found. People surround us in love and have come to our side to take us in. It has been easy to become plugged in as people have embraced our family. It's been amazing for the children to meet friends and for Brad and I to fellowship with other couples..in a class where it's easy to laugh, easy to love and easy to become involved. It feels like home.

I love this part of the world. We drive past 100 acre farms and I know I could easily spend the entirety of my life here but I also know the reality of what is at the present moment. Reality is that we sacrificed much freedom to come here. Hunting, fishing children have been required to lay guns and poles aside. Free ranging children suddenly have very limited boundaries in which they can play and roam. Beyond our quiet, little, heavily populated street lies a very trafficked road. And beyond that lies a massive citified life. Resistance towards it is huge. Public outings with the entire family are limited due to the sheer number of people that populate this area. And on those days when I feel claustrophobic and want to get beyond the house, yet not hiking in the woods, I find there is nowhere to go that is not packed with flesh. And my heart cries for the freedom of home...rural Texas, spread out and without confinement. I deeply miss friends there yet embrace the new ones we have, and are being given, daily. My heart doesn't know where it belongs right now.

Because of this it is probably the most torn husband and I have ever been with opinions that drastically oppose each other. He, on the contrary, is quite in love with our exact location in every way. He loves the city life, being so close to every amenity there is, a jiu jitsu school of outstanding quality, the ability to crossfit, a church for which our hearts have yearned. Yet if I had it my way I'd find a rent house on 20 acres an hour away from here and just make the drive in for church. But once again, there is overwhelming comfort that comes from walking in obedience. We both are fully aware that it's not about what he wants or what I want or who has to give up their dream for the other...it's about where we are led next and we both go because we know the joy is in obedience and the sacrifice. So, we stay here for now and I find the joy of city life and I don't worry about income or what and where comes next. We let the children experience parades, we hike up in the nearby hills, we do road trips to nearby towns just to see what lies beyond. Tomorrow night we take them to see a huge Christmas light show 60 miles from here complete with 2.00 miniature train ride, hot chocolate, and candy canes for the entire family. We enjoy this season in life because no one knows what is to come or just how long it will last. And if we stay I know there is joy to be found here despite how deeply I miss friends and freedom that were left behind. And if we return I know there is joy despite awful Texas summers because I know we return to relationships and rural freedom most children will never experience.

Wildly rambling thoughts come to a close, as they're hard for anyone to actually follow. Volatile heart is forced to quiet the quivering of bipolar emotions. I return to share the bed with a husband that is desperately in love with me...despite my own confused heart....this man that has come looking for me twice already in the dark night hours, stating the bed is lonely and sleep is difficult in my absence. When wildly thundering thoughts quiet someday maybe I'll resume blogging a bit more than I do at the present moment.

"Be still and know that I am God."

Christmas parade.

60 degree days on the east coast while our Texas home is experiencing highs barely reaching 30.

The inevitable, annual Christmas tree fatality.

Santa's new elf. It's hard getting acclimated to climate beyond the north pole.

When they don't get belted in highchairs.