Breaking Free

I am quite convinced at this point that someone...more than likely myself and I am living in denial.....has taken every closet in this house, shook it up and then dumped it out in the middle of our living room floor. Oh the bliss of feeling organized.....not that this feels organized, but the bliss of getting there. Every closet, every drawer, everything has been gone through in order to ready for the JBF sale and to try my hand at Ebay. I am selling off everything. The lifelong collection of lighthouses that just sit around and clutter, taking up space and collecting dust that drives my allergies insanely into overdrive. I have collected boxes and boxes of clothes, gathered every excess baby item up that we have come to collect over the years, every decorative item that is no longer highly valued, every nicknack that is just more crap to keep clean, every bit of everything that burdens and clutters. As I was going through this process today thinking of how the Lord has called me out and begun to convict me about all of this material stuff, this extra weight in life, I began to fill in my heart that He is testing me and I didn't even know that when I started this long physical, emotional and Spiritual decluttering. I felt in my spirit today that this is all a test to see how willing I am to give up absolutely everything to follow Him.....what I am willing to sacrifice and let go of emotionally. As I conquered the many boxes of lighthouses today I came across things that I have had for years that I have been unable to let go of. Things that have been with me since anywhere from 10 to 15 years. I ran across a collectible glass lighthouse that Old Spice had done one year. It is simple and elegant but nothing extraordinary as far as beauty, or even value, goes. But it had the original Old Spice cologne in it. It came out just a couple of years after Grandpa died and all he ever wore was Old Spice. I remember curling up in his lap and burying my face in his pearl buttoned shirt and smelling that old familiar smell, the smell that brought absolute comfort, joy and peace to my whole entire life. I have very few things left from that long ago but somehow that remained though my many moves and sat displayed wherever I was. In this move it never made it out of the box....very few things have in the year and a half we have been here.....and I rediscovered it today. I held it, contemplating what exactly to do with it. It just holds a special place in my heart. But in the end......why hang onto it? Will it bring him back. Well, obviously not. Will it bring me comfort to smell it? Oh...it brings a smile. Will it make my memories even fonder? No. What I have of him is in my heart, the dear memories that only 11 short years with him gave me. Those deep, deep memories and that feeling that it brings to think of him are not reliant on any 20 year old glass bottle that sits sitting on a shelf. It is a letting go emotionally of everything that inhibits me from being free. I live for the present, not the past. I want to be George Mueller that is completely free from being hindered by anything and can move from place to place wherever the Lord plants us. I don't want the Lord to pass us over when He sees us, thinking......."There's no way they're moving again. They just have way too much stuff they are hanging onto and it's just too stressful for them. I need somebody unencumbered physically and emotionally. I need someone not burdened by baggage." I have come to see that what is in one's closet and drawers and stashed away in the attic and every spare crevice in one's house is a statement of where that person is emotionally. When 2 people live in a house and crap falls out of a closet and those 2 people have clothes taking up every spare inch of closet space in every room of their house it is an indicator of where they are spiritually and emotionally. I looked in embarrassing amazement at the children's closets and drawers. Yes...we have been exceedingly blessed where clothes are concerned and I have given away boxes upon boxes but it hasn't been enough. I still hold on too tightly thinking we may need this one thing at some certain point 15 years from now. Has God not provided for us every step of our entire way???? Has He not met every true legitimate need when it has risen? Why on earth am I keeping play clothes in a sz 5 for a girl when it will be at least 6 to 7 years and probably more like 8 before they will ever be worn again? If I got pregnant right now and then waited on her to hit the age that she could wear them that's about 6 years and if that pregnancy didn't exactly produce a girl baby than we would then be waiting even longer...more to the tune of 8 or so years. I do not want to hoard physically, emotionally or even where my body is concerned. I have lost more weight on this attempt in a shorter amount of time than I have in every previous attempt. But it's a life revelation in every way. I do not need more. I have tasted, it is good and I am satisfied. I even gave up most refined sugar. There is freedom that comes with being in control of it. Knowing that my desire for food doesn't control me but that when completely laid before the alter of God He truly satisfies in every way........even where food is concerned. Where everything is concerned. He gave us these 7 children and He will clothe them. I do not need play clothes for 7 years down the road and however many more moves lay before us. I do not need my lighthouses to make my house a warm inviting home. The people within dictate the spirit and presence of the home.....not what hangs on the walls collecting dust. Of course, as everything goes, this could be taken as extreme. I'm not saying I will never have another piece of artwork on my walls, but for now this release, this freedom has given us the ability to be free in every way. To have broken the chains of bondage and given us the ability to move forward without dragging behind in the race due to 150 excessive pounds of lard, the material and physical things that hold one captive. And as for the absence of wall artwork.....we definitely are not without. I think the younger children have that area covered all too well for now.

I love how unencumbered I feel in life right now. I think it is ironic that Brad and I have more responsibility and more decision making than we have ever had in our entire lifetime and we are the most unencumbered we have ever been. It seems contradictory that we have so much responsibility and can be so entirely free at the same time. I suppose that is some of the way God works. The life of this world is a contradiction in His book if you are living to honor Him and live according to His calling. Just as it is in 1 Cor. 1:26-31. As I read through it again last night it seemed to stand out to me once more as I am led through this process and what it means on a Spiritual level.

"For consider your calling, brothers, that there were not many wise according to the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble; but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, and the base things of the world and the despised, God has chosen, the things that are not, that He might nullify the things that are, that no man should boast before God. But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification and redemption, that just as it is written, "Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord."


I have never been so free. I have never felt so free....so in love with what I have been given. I have leaned to embrace every part of this journey knowing that the Lord is watching to see if I can handle more of His calling, more responsibility concerning the very purpose He established my life and brought me to this very place that I am. He tries and tests to see if it is time for me to move on. And I will say, "I am ready! Bring it on ,dear Creator of my life, Establisher of both Heaven and Earth!!! Move us to places we have never been, landscapes we have
never seen. I am willing. We are not bound here. We are not tied to an emotional dream that inhibits the dream You have for our family. Show us Your power and Your glory more profoundly than You ever have! Reveal Yourself to me and to our children. We lay it all on the alter before You and will pick up and go because we long to be a disciple of You and a vessel You can pour through. We give it all away because you have given us new Life and are the Author and Finisher of my faith. You alone have freed both Brad and I from our past and we move on to please You and You alone.....no one else."

I cry this out with all of my heart. We are free.....free indeed!!!!! No opinions, no expectations of others, no ulterior motives hold us down any longer. And so it is that we move on into a place of complete and total freedom, ready to follow Him to the ends of the earth if He so requires. I am forever broken to be loved by a God that lavishes so much mercy, so much grace, so much love and so very much compassion on us. Chris Tomlin sings the song of my heart.

"God, you have done great things.
God, you give grace to the weak
And You bless the brokenhearted

with a song of praise to sing.
You reached down and lifted us up.
You came running, looking for us
And now there's nothing and no one beyond Your love.
You're the overflow
You're the fountain of my heart
Let Your mercy rain
Let Your mercy rain on us.
You're the faithful One
When the world's falling apart
Let Your mercy rain.
Come rain Your mercy down on us.

My chains are gone,
I've been set free.
My God, my Saviour has ransomed me.
And like a flood Your mercy reigns
Unending love, amazing grace."

I am left speechless and completely and tearfully humbled. I am free!!!! Brad is free!!! It is the work of an awesome God to do this within us so that our children can be raised in freedom!!! Oh, what I would give for others to know this...truly know this on a heart level. To feel the freedom that I never knew existed. I cannot help but wonder if this is what Paul felt in the New Testament? Was this why he was so passionate about life? He experienced this same freedom. He was, after all, turned from Saul to Paul and rescued from a life of sheer existence. Admittedly, I am not much of a Bible reader. I have been one that never really gets anything out of it on pretty much any given attempt at getting through it. But, everytime I dare look something up in the New Testament I am once again taken everytime I go there by Paul's life and his words. He exudes the passion I feel for life. His words are what I long to express and would had I been given the gift of speech and charisma that was seemingly lavished upon him as God chose him for such a calling. He's pretty much the only Bible character that I can relate to. In all of my life I have never found it within myself to ever relate to any of the women...or any other person for that matter. Sure, I liked the stories a little but overall they were just that. Stories from 2,000 years ago. They never even really came to life for me. But as I have walked through the last 17 years of my life I have lived a life time of what some people never experience in their entire 79 years. And, out of it all, the Bible has finally started to kind of seem alive to me........kind of. But of them all I find Paul absolutely mesmerizing. I see in him the passion I have so longed for and the passion that I feel for all of life. He is fascinating to me. I must say I'm still waiting for the rest of the Bible characters to have that same appeal.

But, back to cleaning. In my sorting, tossing, giving, selling and organizing I rediscovered the most recent issue of one of my Above Rubies magazines. I wish I could scan and copy it but I fear I would lose any and all readers, of the dear few that are left, if I dared put an entire 5 page article on my blog. So, I will summarize in an effort not to bore anyone. But this magazine just happened to have an article titled "Large Family, Small House". Not really that our house is so small at this point but the idea is the same. We have 9 people living in 1,800 sq ft of living space. The detached playroom does give some open unaccounted for space but we are not out there regularly. It mainly houses toys that can be switched out, strollers, spare bed and other misc junk. I will just list out the subtitles in this Large Family, Small House article. Upon reading each section carefully my heart was convicted in an even deeper way. I knew beyond it all that this was a sweet confirmation from the Lord that we are doing the right thing and He even supplied me with some very good directions I could actually read right before my eyes. Usually the answer to my questions are not quite that blunt. I couldn't help but laugh and read through the entire thing twice while I nursed. It began with

"People before Things!"

I loved that. I think it shall become my new motto. That along with another quote I read not long ago have become dearly loved by me. The other quote was given by the publisher of Vision Forum and read,

“The Bible calls children a blessing and debt a curse yet we apply for a curse and reject the blessing.”

It really does say it all. Anyway, of the other subtitles were

Give away Lavishly and Fearlessly! (I also am in love with this one!)

Say No to Junk!

Don't Keep Things You Don't Use!

New In, Old Out!

Eliminate Daily!

It went on but those were the ones that stuck out to me. It urged me to continue on even more seriously in my endeavors. What I questioned and had in a "question" pile I went back through with these guidelines. Stuff I had gleaned from reading through from start to finish I implemented and by the end of my 2nd time around I had completely eliminated the "question" pile. One small portion in one of the sections stated

"We value LIFE more than any material thing. In America there is a false standard of living. My little house is huge compared to what some larger families are living in. I believe that it is not a little house, but a bad attitude and downcast, unthankful spirit that really make you poor."

And so it is. There is such a freedom that others have discovered that have gone before me on this journey. Who would've ever known or imagined the freedom that would be reaped? I was so thankful all day that the Lord gently brought this article that I had no recollection of in front of my eyes and heart again. It truly was used today in a perfectly timed way....much more so then when I skimmed over it when I first received it a couple of months ago.

So, next up is conquering the attic.

In my efforts today I needed a cleared space in the playroom to start stacking the mounds and mounds of boxes and some room to separate into piles of boxes with different destinations. I called Grayson and Evye in, Brad being on shift, and together the 3 of us carried the toddler bed into the childrens' room. After much consideration and really contemplating if I am ready for Garrett to be uncribbed and moved up into a big bed I finally decided I was ready to take on this transition also. No better time than the present. He is nearing 2 and more than ready to join the others. My only hesitation was not being able to put him down separately from the others for an earlier bedtime and, of course, my all time fear of not being able to sleep late. He usually plays contentedly in his crib in the morning until he hears household noise and the stirring of others. So, I had to really know I was ready to be truly up in the morning with him. But, as our school schedule gets back on track we rise early anyway. With my mind made up and with everyone begging desperatly for him to join the bunk room gang I gave the OK. The crowds cheered. I love how they absolutely love and welcome the newest addition into the room. It was a celebration when Garrison and Grant made the transition up and there were just 3 cheering for them. As it is Garrett's turn to be bumped up there were 5 exuberantly cheering, hugging, smothering and congratulating him. Of course, he reveled in the attention so suddenly outpoured upon him. He went around excitedly laughing, jumping, hugging and giving high fives to everybody, never really knowing quite why. I made up the toddler bed yet again, bringing back memories that seem not so very long ago as I did this very same thing for a toddling Aubrey. Garrison and Grant skipped this phase of toddlerhood and moved straight from crib to twin bed. Of course, everybody had to try Garrett's new bed out and all begged to trade beds with him. After Aubrey was told that she could not give him her bed in exchange for his she kindly offered to sleep in his bed with him, even going as far as to show me how they both fit so well together in it. We rearranged the room to fit the new bed and everything was ready for his first night in his big bed. I had so entirely pared down the clothes that we were able to completely do away with one of the dressers. So, we now have the 3 older children sharing a 5 drawer dresser and 3 younger sharing the 3 under the bed. Since the younger 3 are all in the same size anyway it made that transition easy.

I love my life. I would not trade anything to be where I am now and I know it is very much a cliche but I would do it all over again to be where I am right now.....and I mean that in every sense of the word. I feel blessed because I am blessed. But as I sit thinking through that I think even my interpretation of blessed has been redefined over the years. 8 years ago at the beginning of our marriage I'm not sure I really would've considered this blessed beyond measure. I interpretated blessed as what God had given you in living quarters, the ability to buy lavishly for our children, the ability to put a swingset in their backyard.....the biggest and the best....to drive a car that was newer. I found it hard not to compare myself and my life to everyone else and what they had. Most specifically Jackie. They had the 2 dreamy acres situated right in the middle of Colleyville, the massive state of the art swingset, the income that seemed to rival Donald Trump's......looking from where we were with our modest income, the massive front loaders right when they first came out, the expensive, dark, polished furniture that made their house a home. They had it all. They were "blessed". Undoubtedly God has indeed blessed them in their finances but I limited everything about my idea of blessing to those things. Certainly God gives some of His people massive amounts of wealth but what I so failed to see is that that is such a small tiny portion of the different kinds of blessings He pours forth and I limited myself and denied myself so much because I had put Him in a box just one more time in my life. There was a time that the van would not have been considered a blessing to me. I would've seen it as old and the Lord failing to supply us with His very best.....therefore convincing myself that we were not worthy of something so new and good, thus resulting in a pity party. In fact, there are even those still now that remain like I did that fail to see our 20 year old bus in the blessing light. I love, love both our van and bus because they are blessings to us. Completely and freely given by God, supplied to us in a debt free manner. They were love gifts from Him. And because of that we can laugh and enjoy so much more of life and laugh hysterically in the humor of it. As the people stare as we all come off of the bus it does nothing but make me laugh and know that God does indeed love us and love the fact that we have a sense of humor so that we can enjoy it to the extent that He does as He sees us driving it with all of the children He has given us. He sees the children laughing and making memories and He watches Brad and I laugh at the absurdity of it and I know He laughs with us.......laughs out of delight and laughs out of humor. And there was a time when even this house wouldn't have even seemed such a blessing to me due to the fact that we could not build our own or that we don't have finances to add on. But, oh my how my heart has been changed. And how I know how very blessed we are in every way. I am blessed becase I have been redeemed and because I am free from the chains that bound for so long. I love not caring what anyone else thinks. Have I ever said that we just don't care anymore???? We will pursue our lives in the direction we are called and we will not be hindered by fear of money or fear that we will be considered insane or fear that we cannot do it or fear that someone will be offended or fear that some will disagree. We have broken free because we have been set free.

(Wonderful ole Blogger is not spellchecking or quoting anything at this late hour of the night so please forgive any spelling errors and the lack of highlighting and links to quotes and articles.)

Moody Maybe?

Alright..........well, I've never in my life ever thought myself to be one given to moodiness. But as I sit and ponder that's about the only word that comes to mind to attempt to convey these last couple of weeks. I'm sure my children would whole heartily agree with my self diagnosis. I have been as up and down and I seemed to have finally overcome today. It was by far one of those days where everything I have been trying to accomplish finally starts showing hope of coming together. And suddenly.....the triumphant feelings of having overcome and conquered are no longer suppressible.

With getting back into school gear along came the dire dog days of sitting on the children to get all of their stuff done. I dread it, they dread it. Somehow it's so much more fun to play all day....older ones included. And admittedly, the house stays much cleaner when there are no school pages waiting on the shelves staring menacingly at us. After hours of putting up with Evye's lethargy and even more hours of enduring Grayson's crapped out attitude I finally set them both down yesterday and had a heart to heart with them. Together we redid the chore charts to make the day flow better and lined out yet another school day schedule that did not seem so overwhelming and quite so ruggedly brutal. By the end of it the burden seemed to have been lifted and everyone's moods cheered. Today went much better and we finally were able to tackle both Spanish and Typing in addition to the basics. And we were all even speaking in some pre-K level form of Spanish...though I'm not real sure any true Spanish speaking Mexican would agree to that statement. By the end of the day they had made it through 4 lessons of Spanish and everyone was lighthearted. It was one of those days where you feel like you have definitely earned a nomination for most organized, healthiest, most natural, most clutter free, most efficient, most economical parent of the year award. Though the house looks like an atomic bomb went off here I have never felt better. Every closet has been emptied and every clothing item sorted into sell, keep and donate. I have gone through and cleaned off every shelf, every item of unused furniture, every deco item, every surplus thing and sorted it into sell and donate. Granted, there's still alot to go but I am no longer overwhelmed by the sheer thought of starting this process. And it seems that we are always paring down here. It seems as though I have been saying for months that we are decluttering....and, well, I have.........but each time we clean and give away only to become even more convicted and more excited about a simpler life so I start all over again cleaning and giving away even more. This is the 1st time since we have been married that it's been of this magnitude though and I can hardly wait to get everything to its proper destination. I anticipate the money the sell items will bring since I will be getting the Ergo and some of the cloth diapers with it while spending some on fabric to finally start up my sewing projects. And then I love the donating part of praying over who the next load needs to be headed towards. My all time favorite is still the abused women's shelter right before we moved here. The look on their faces was something I will never in a lifetime forget.

But as I sat playing and spending more than my fair share of rolling around on the floor with tons of little boys rolling all over me while trying to sort the excitement overcame me. For the 1st time ever I can hardly wait to start cloth diapering. Someone said very aptly the other day about their failure at cloth diapering that it is like everything else they try that is not driven by the Lord.....it was just a phase for them that they could not handle. I have been there so many times....taking on things that were supposed to be right by other's standards and what appeared to be the best thing to do only to fail miserably at it because it was not at all the timing God had in mind. And here I was forcing myself and feeling guilty and beaten down the majority of the time for something that was never meant for me to take on at that stage in life. It's been that way with the change of our diet, with money, with diapers, with jobs, with many things. But when it is time I am being taught to recognize it. The excitement, anticipation and the joy that it brings because I know that I am walking exactly where I should be and have been given the grace to now conquer this next area of my life. It is a freeing experience.

So, I have found that the grace has now extended to diapering and I am ready to take it on. the money it will save will be massive and the ease with which it is now done these days inspires me. Our diet has taken a tremendous turn for the better in the last little while. The children are eating incredibly well balanced meals and Brad has even begun to change his ways and has found all sorts of odd veggies he really does like....such as squash, eggplant, bellpeppers, mushrooms, onions and many other formerly despised foods. Which has made my meal planning and attempts at eating much better easier for us all. And as an added bonus he has dropped 10 pds and I am down 15. And our clothes are showing it. It's pretty fun doing it together. We love doing everything together so I suppose it only makes sense that his has turned out to be so much...just having a built in buddy.

And, of course, along with our change in eating Gavin has not gone unnoticed either. In the chaos of everything and my little moody spell I never got around to putting on here that he is officially on solids. He still nurses full time but twice a day after nursing I give him cereal. I experimented with a few jars of baby food to see how he did and he ate it all up....cereal, fruit, veggies, any and all. Hopefully he will prove to be the eater that Aubrey is....picky over nothing. So, I again opened up my Made with Love Homemade Baby Food Cookbook that Sue Ellen sent and went to town for him. I left off with having successfully made most of Garrett's food and was able to pick up where I left off and expand even that knowledge. I actually ground up Gavin's oatmeal from our massive size oats sack and he had homemade baby food oatmeal. I was so impressed and having so much fun. So far we are back to homemade applesauce, ripe smashed up bananas and all sorts of other homemade concoctions. We have only bought jarred food the one time I decided to try him out on them. It has been so liberating to finally reach this point. It seems it's been so many years in the making. Due to the fact I am so easily overwhelmed it has always been so much easier just to cope and do what is before me without having to think about adding to my to do lists. But here we are and I can finally see it all beginning to come together.

And in the midst of it all I have found the homemade wet wipes to be the most fun and the most cost efficient yet. That is........until we move on to the diaper thing. But for now.......having made the switch to Charlie's laundry soap, using baking soda and vinegar for almost all of our cleaning needs and thinning out the Snuggle........by far the most fun thing is making the wet wipes. Once I began to discover all of the different things I can combine and put in there the more fun it is becoming. You can make your own scented lavender, peppermint or vanilla wipes....not to mention putting calendula, aloe vera, tea tree oil and all kinds of other notions in it to tend a rash or fend off one or even keep bacteria at bay after poop episodes. I honestly never in my life saw this day coming. I was the one making fun of these moms who talked about all of this stuff years ago. Seems like I remember calling them tree huggers..or something of that nature. In my attempt at saving money the thought of saving the environment truly never occurred to me. Well.......still hasn't really occurred to me. I suppose it is does we'll have a few more trees to look at but I have saved a ton of money in the end. When I think in terms of going green I think in terms of green money. But who would've thought it would've ended up being so much fun in the end?

So, here I sit and I figure I should soak up this day of achievement and gloat for my few minutes of complete success.....for all too soon I will be brought back down.....probably in a not so gentle way....to reality tomorrow by the reality of raising very mortal children that challenge everything I have learned up until this very point in my life. Every thought, every theory, every good intention and good method I have ever had will be once again put to the test at the rising of the sun as I walk through another day of parenting children and find that not one day is ever the same and no two children ever alike. So, I grapple and fumble my way through relying on the Lord for direction because I don't have a clue what to do next. Maybe, just maybe, that is why I love parenting and managing a home so much. It is a challenge that never ends and no two challenges are ever the same at any point in the journey. This pursuit in life puts riding a bull to shame. And the love, joy and reward that become greater as the years go by cannot ever be expressed in any written or verbal form. For every minute of backbreaking work is paid back multiplied 100 fold in the love and joy that is derived from it. Garrett's sweet chubby arms that wrap around my neck, Garrison's and Grant's soft little noses that are touched laughingly to mine, the feathery little kisses that land upon my nose by sweet tiny little lips, the coos and laughs of a content baby Gavin and the trust and love that is established so entirely early on as he lays completely still with his head on my shoulder, the gentle pats and fingers through my hair by Evye and the not so gentle bear hug tackles given by Grayson and Aubrey. Nothing can rival this. Though I know more deeply than anyone alive how blessed we are sometimes it is just truly hard to comprehend and absorb. The challenge of it just makes it that much sweeter.

And on a side note.........it is cold here. The sleet is falling and the chill can be felt all through the house. Brad is on the medic and will more than likely be up all night long dragging stupid people out of the cold ice that rests on the ground. Knowing he will want sleep tomorrow I should be in bed prepared to take my day shift. The peaceful sound of the sleet falling is mesmerizing. it falls like rain tapping gently as it lands. Gavin lays in his little bed nestled up in his fuzzy little pj's while Garrett sleeps soundly under mounds of covers and footed pj's in his crib. The rest of them are curled up cozily under way too many blankets as they all slumber together while the sleet transforms their world. Despite the fact that it will all melt off by 10am and the high is a whopping 55 degrees it is hard not to revel in the wintry night that lay before us. Sat and Sunday will be a balmy 72 degrees so with the best of winter weather at our fingertips right now I soak it up yet look forward to the beautiful weekend before us as I think of all of the outdoor things we can do.

And We Have a Van

As of yesterday morning our long uttered prayers for a van were answered.



"My God shall supply all of our needs according to His riches in glory."

It has finally arrived and is quite the source of excitement in our household. I told Brad our family doesn't seem big enough to require a van yet. I remember looking at and watching other huge families that would file out of 15 passenger vans and just be in awe at the size of their families. And here we are and we own one. 7 just doesn't seem large to me when they're all mine. And given the room we still h ave left in the van with every kid I suppose our family size shouldn't be considered too large. There's only like 1 kid on each row. No........more like 2 kids p/ row. So far, we have Garrett and Gavin on the 1st row, Garrison and Grant on the 2nd, Aubrey on the 3rd and Grayson and Evye on the 4th. Aubrey, at this time in her life, seems to be needing an entire row to herself. Although, Grayson and Evye have I think tried every available carseatless seat there is. So, she's had more than her fair share of company. And I think by the end of it the 4th seat may come out for now for stroller space.

So, here we are with our new gray van. If you ever see this comical, unmistakable thing driving down the road you can be rest assured it is most definitely our family within.

I figured with the Suburban having been a 4x4 we were elevated and had quite the advantage of other vehicles on the road. And then I drove this thing. If I thought the Suburban was a little on the higher end this must be 18 wheeler height. Let's just say that by the time I get finished loading and buckling kids up and I am done with the in/out constant up/down of getting everybody in that I will be in the best shape of my life and every woman out there will be envious of my rear. It is fun to drive though.

Time seems to be a little limited these days. Hopefully here in the next little while things will slow down a bit. There is an unending list of to-do's as we decision make on how to pair down, clean out and simplify our lives. I'm getting everything ready and trying to organize for the JBF sale coming up in which I have a ton of stuff to consign. Life is getting more and more organized and simplified but the dedication it takes to get there is time consuming in every way. Sometimes I marvel at how much stuff one can accumulate.

But to back up, since I haven't been as faithful as keeping up on here we did go to Lubbock on Friday to deliver the Suburban. I don't think I've ever been as blessed and felt as good as I did that day in a very long while. It was such an amazing day. One that left you in the clouds for days and days after he fact. Clouds we still haven't floated down off of just yet. Brad and I have never really have been used in a work God is doing like we were in that ordeal and it felt so good. I could get addicted to doing things like that and I only wish we could've absolutely given it to hem with no money involved. We have begun to pray that the Lord will see us as trustworthy and faithful so that we can be used this powerfully in every area of our life. That we would show ourselves faithful so that He can use us daily to bless others and meet needs. It is an absolutely amazing thing to experience.

It did feel a bit odd to watch the Suburban being driven off by someone else. How is it that something so materialistic can become such a part of one? It kind of felt like a part of me was driving off. It was just weird. But at the same time it felt so good too. When does one become so accustomed to change that it no longer feels foreign anymore? When does change become a way of life? Though I welcome change when does it ever not feel strange?

After the Suburban was delivered Brad and I, with the two little boys we had in tow, went to see Chris and Abby. We stayed and just hung out and visited for awhile before turning back to head home. It was a good visit and made the trip to Lubbock even more enjoyable and worth the entire day that it took to do it all. It was an amazing day from start to finish. And I love doing any road trip with Brad because it gives a seemingly infinite amount of time to talk and just be together with no interruptions. And I never tire of talking to him about anything and everything.

Garrett's eye after he played with Brad and met up with the bottom of the office chair. It only got worse as the day went on. He now has a black eye and looks like he was on the losing end of a boxing match.

We returned way too late to do anything about the van that night so we got everybody tucked in with visions of going to pick up our new vehicle the next day. The trip to pick it up could've won a Dodge record for how many people one has successfully fit into one of their trucks. Given the fact that it was 25 degrees taking the bus was pretty much out. So, we piled everyone of us up and took off to do the deal. After the fact Brad and I realized it is the very 1st vehicle we have actually purchased debt free. We have paid off many vehicles but never purchased them with cash in hand completely without any debt. So, we celebrated. The feeling of handing it over in cash was absolutely freeing. I can't help but fall in love with it despite its many quirks because I know it is paid for in every way. With Brad in his truck and now all of the children and I loaded in the van we headed into town to celebrate. We went through the carwash and cleaned it all up and it finally started to feel like our's. It still sort of feels odd to seeing sitting in the carport. I guess because it's such a huge accomplishment and such an incredible answer to prayer. I'm not sure I really thought this day would ever come. I knew it would but now that it;s here it just seems like we've been anticipating and waiting for it forever yet only just a few weeks. It's still hard to believe we need a van. This is such an amazing journey to me.

Grayson and Evye folding clothes while the rest are enthralled with Baby Einstein....it remains too cold for any outdoor play

Since I was freezing my butt off yesterday and forgot the camera I didn't get any pics of picking it up or our first drive. So, as we drive it more and have the entire family finally in it I'll get pics of everybody within. The inside view of the children is vastly diffrent from the inside view of the Suburban. I'll see if I can post both for some comparison after I get inside van pics. it makes me laugh. The view went from heads absolutely everywhere and no empty space in the Suburban to now just seeing a head here and there in this thing.

Milestones and Miracles

What I woke up to this morning

Well, I will dedicate an entire post to Grayson for his birthday since I have no desire to squish it all up with the latest ongoings. So that will come later. But there are lots of milestones being hit around here. As Grayson turned 10 on January 12th Gavin turned exactly 6 months old. It felt odd and different to have a child hit a double digit and have another hit the 1/2 year mark. They both are big milestones to me. We've never had a child in double digit numbers and the 6 month milestone is always such a big one to me. No other month really compares to that in a baby's 1st year of life. They're exactly 1/2 a year old. And it always never seems possible that they are already there. And on the 12th I looked at both of them and marveled that each of them are now the ages they are.

And, of course.....monkey see, monkey do.

In the midst of Brad and I trying to accomplish many things around here we finally got word from the daycare about the van. The new superintendent did not nearly favor us as everyone else had through this entire process and he ended it all with his decision to keep the daycare van. I was disappointed but there was a peace of having laid it all completely in the Lord's hands and knowing that there was something else we do not see yet. She pointed us to a van for sale in Ballinger. We had seen it in passing and Grayson had even gotten the number off of it. We had called but never pursued it when the dude did not answer. I figured there was no way it was in our budget. So, I laid the van issue down once more and figured we would continue being thankful and content with the Suburban. After all, I do love it and I love it's 4x4 capabilities. But at some point the very same day as getting the daycare van news I was driving down the road and felt prodded to call and at least find out some info on the van. We had lost the number somewhere along the way in the weeks that had passed since Grayson had jotted it down so I set out in an attempt to find out some info. on it. It was a funny turn of events how we ever got to the owner but as all things go....I was taken on a long winding road that eventually landed us in the owner's lap. I asked what I needed to know and about fell over backwards at the asking price. It was so small that it made me ask again. Then I asked what was wrong with it. There is nothing wrong with it, other than being on the higher end of mileage but still not bad by any means. The owner just closed his shop and has no need for it anymore. We told him we had a Suburban we needed to sell first and we would get back with him. Of course, the entirely skitzed out side of me then became obsessed and fearful it would sell immediately...despite the fact it has now been there for weeks. So, having had some notoriously bad experiences selling large items...such as vehicles and houses.....I knew we were in for a long wait and this would be another point in life where God chooses to work on my trust and faith issues. I readied myself for the battle but prepared for the best case scenario....just in case. The children and I headed into town and I had it washed. With a car wash not really being in the 2 wk budget I had a little conversation with the Lord. I just kind of explained out loud as the children listened that we had this thing to sell and I was preparing it in the faith that He indeed would show Himself faithful and provide for our needs and sell it immediately. I can't say that my heart was really there though. But I figured if I took action then it was a step in the right direction. As we drove up I handed the dude my card to pay for it, still trying to muster some faith and reasoning for spending before his paycheck arrived, due to come in 2 days. The dude looked at the card and said, "Nope. It's your 1oth one. It's on us tonight." I was shocked and the children immediately started asking if the Lord had paid for it.

With my faith greatly encouraged we headed to Home Depot to pick up For Sale signs. Grayson and I finally found them and spent 4.20 for 4 signs. I figured as long as I was at it I might as well make it highly visible on every side that it was available. We arrived home and I put the children to bed and made up my mind to set to work on readying it the following day. I awoke in good spirits and happily carried my needed car cleaning supplies out to it.....with 15 kids trailing behind and trying to aid me in my efforts. I dug out french fries that I am quite sure have been there since I was born. Their petrified state was so alarming that I feared they were in danger of turning into true gray french fry shaped rocks. M&M's and gum were also among the many long ago buried and hidden treasures. It was an exhausting task. As I cleaned I mulled over and over the length of time it would take us to sell it. I didn't ever really pray at any point simply because I just figured I was in for the long haul since God seems pretty set on teaching me more faith and patience in most every situation. So, I scrubbed in my faith that it would sell soon but knowing it never would. As I did I thought crazy things like every person does with any amount of alone time and I silently pondered where it would go and who the next passengers would be. Then I began to debate in my own mind who I would like to see driving it and who would fill its seats. The thought of it being turned into a service vehicle all trashed out depressed me. Thoughts of an older couple were warm and cozy but still not what I envisioned for this Suburban that should not even be mattering to me at all at this point. Visions of a teenager driving it depressed me. No. It needed another big family. It needed a ton more kids in it so that it could bless somebody else like it has blessed us for these short years. We were so overwhelmingly blessed to have been given it and I wanted more than anything to bless somebody else with it....preferably another large family that could benefit from not having to pay outrageously for something. It has so much life and so many more miles left to serve more kids....more families. It was barely driven in the years it sat in Nanny and Pawpaw's garage so we had definitely given it new life in the time that we had it. And it needed many more years of new life. So as I pondered these deep meaningless irrational thoughts the Lord brought something to mind. In the way that I have finally learned to follow the impressions on my heart....what I have finally come to recognize as Him speaking to me.....I felt that same urge and prodding to pursue a different path of selling it. I knew Brad would not care how we sold it so I went forward with it. I am part of a large family, TX homeschoolers email group and every once in awhile people will post items for sale. Usually not large items but ones that others might want. I finished taping the For Sale signs on every window and then went to post. Note to self. When God speaks don't duck tape the For Sale signs to absolutely every window. Getting off the adhesive is horrific and I could've spared myself had I tuned in. The more I thought about the possibility of it the more excited I got. Due to the van being almost given to us in price we could afford to ask for much less and bless someone else that was in our shoes when we were given the Suburban. The thought became so exciting that I found myself not being able to post fast enough. Sure enough not even 2 hrs later it was sold to a large, though smaller than our's...so they fit in it!!!, homeschooling family that is still growing and needs more room than what they are in. I was elated. Not only were we now not out any out of pocket money for the new van but the much loved Suburban is going to another family with young children. It's bittersweet for me. It happened so fast that I was kind of swept off of my feet. I don't think you ever really get attached to the vehicle but it's the memories that were made in it. And well....I happen to love the leather seats and the 4x4 thing it has going for it. The family was exceedingly blessed and the joy that lives within me is contagious. How blessed it is to be part of something so wonderful when the Lord works. The very same day that we found out that we did not get the daycare van afterall the Lord turned us around and headed us in yet another direction. By the end of that day we had been given yet another van and by the end of the next day we had sold the Suburban. It was amazing. It still is amazing. When I posted that it was for sale I also said that we were able to deliver it to the DFW area since I knew it well and had family there. It also made it more of a gift. The family that bought it is in Lubbock...no farther than DFW. So, after a short talk with Brad we agreed to deliver it to them. It also allowed us to finally get to see Abby's house and have a lunch date with her. That is.....if Brad's even told her yet. I am soooooooo excited about our new van. But for whatever reason the bittersweet of the Suburban going kind of stumps me. Maybe because of the fact it was such a tie to Nanny and Pawpaw. Who knows. But we move forward as all of life does. And because we are willing to go forward we now have a van that we have been exceedingly and wonderfully blessed with. In an effort to price vans and come up with comps for our's I began to search the internet over. Of all of the ones I found they all sell for at least 8,000 more than what we have been given. The ones on the lot got for even higher. It's just amazing. Brad and I loaded up the children in the bus the other night and took off to go look at the van again. We checked it over thoroughly, went through it all, tested it out and it is perfect. And as I have so come to learn through our ever evolving faith walk journey God has a pretty funny sense of humor.......a bit apparent as we drive up anywhere in Bertha, our yellow lead rocket. We are being taught in this journey that it does not always have to be the biggest and the best in life to meet the need......it's what serves the purpose and meets the need that He has provided. I personally had wanted the big black tinted windows that ran sleekly down the side of the new 15 passenger Chevy's but this new van is a Ford with the separate windows. But they were deep and dark and tinted. A huge blessing. It is not about appearances but the fact that He is providing and meeting every one of our needs. So, the best part is that it is charcoal gray and......in all of life's humor that we have so come to love.....all the way down both sides reads in red "Martial Arts Academy" with a huge, and I mean huge, emblem of a red dude in a karate outfit in kick stance mode. Yep. That is us. I can't help but laugh every time I see it. You can't get much more offbeat and original than that. I love it. I love that it has been given to us in every way and that the Lord was able to use the Suburban to bless someone else. I am overwhelmed by the blessings.

When you're incredibly loved by a bunch of brothers

God is Moving

Oh.......I'm missing my blog. Brad has been on the computer for days now taking care of business. It kind of sucks. On his only shift day this week I wrote an entire 2.5 hr email to two different people and both were completely lost. I was more than a little distraught, not to mention just downright mad. 5 hrs of afterbed time that could've been spent in any way and I completely wasted it all. Well........I suppose it wasn't exactly wasted at the time but it was after all contents were lost. I definitely learned a much needed lesson about writing in Word and saving. Ugh! What it takes to learn something.

Grayson's birthday was Saturday and I didn't even get to post about it. So, that is coming. The children have all been sick so I'm kind of tired.......tired physically and tired of sick kids. Then God is undoubtedly on the move again and meeting every one of our needs as He is so faithful to always do. More on that later also.

So, here I sit consumed by a variety of things that consume my time as I ready everything that needs to be readied in order to make room for God's new work. Lots of cleaning and stuff to do. And Brad is once again in need of the computer to try and finish up everything he is trying to accomplish. So, this post is vague in every sense of the word but it made me feel better to at least write something on here. He will be on shift tomorrow so I am desperately trying to make time for a rewrite of both emails that were lost and to update our entire life on here.

Have I ever said how good it feels to declutter???? Oh I feel weightless as we go through this process. As much work as it is to sort through it all there are burdens that have been so lifted in this ordeal. It is an unattaching of myself to everything that bound me emotionally to materialistic things. I love how God works and I love the freedom He gives to those who are willing to do extreme things. I love how He provides for our every need, gives us step by step direction for where we are to go and what we are to do and I am continually amazed by His work.

A ton of pics

For lack of time to add these into all of the posts I want to I figured I'd just get them on here in a post dedicated to pictures.

14 house-shoed feet....

ok, so I was going to cut it off at the knees and make it really cute but when I did knees down it cut out Gavin's little feet. And I didn't exactly have the courage to try and get Garrett to hold onto Gavin perched on the edge of the table so his would dangle too. I have a knees down pic of the 6 dangling feet but it's just not the same without Gavin's in there! So here all 7 are.....modeling not only 14 house shoed feet......but underwear too!

14 bare feet.........underwear included

A ton of rowdy kids...attempting to take some houseshoed feet pics

Brothers...somehow Garrett missed out on all the pic taking

Biggest and smallest

Laura Ingalls gone really wrong

Yet another real baby in a baby doll stroller

Boy Play

When you have 2 boys that are anal retentive about organization

Girl Play

Helping get Grayson's fire pit ready

Campfire at home

After the Smores and before the bath

San Antonio Sunday

Sunday in San Antonio was our free date day......nothing on the agenda, no where to be or go. Just whatever hit us at the moment as fun. We opted to take the bus from the campground instead of driving since we'd have to worry about parking and all kinds of crap. I can honestly say neither one of us were entirely aware that the bus detoured through the ghettos before arriving at our downtown location. Brad and I later surmised, after having driven around some later on in the day, that there's not much of San Antonio that's not the ghetto. It was quite the experience....especially with a baby in tow.

Watching the world go by

But in a hurried effort to make the bus I threw stuff into the diaper bag. It was going to be an all day affair so I needed a day bag. With my little camo bag I shoved a few diapers in and the little travel wet wipe box along with some lip gloss and stuff. Oh...and I would need a blanket to nurse under so I threw the lightweight one in...though still rather large in order to cover us up. So, that took up some room. I tried stuffing in the front carrier for him in the event that he got tired of the backpack...though we have yet to have a baby that ever tires of the backpack! But....due to diaper, wipes, blanket and whatever else was in there the Snugli wouldn't fit. Hurriedly pitching it out I decided he'd need an extra outfit. So, I tried to stuff that in....but that meant now messing with another pair of socks to match the new outfit...and shoes now too since the outfit he had on had footies. So, now socks and shoes to go with the new outfit. The bus clock was ticking and the bag was not showing any signs of growing any bigger to fit the new crap I'm tyring to force upon it. Finally I looked at Brad and just said to forget it. After all, it's only a day trip and how often do we ever need a new outfit???? Back to the basics of diapers and wipes and we were set to go.

Camping Out

We had joyfully discovered the annual RV show was in town the same weekend we were so we headed in that direction first. I LOVE RV shows and have since I was little. Daddy used to have days out together with each child and it was always that child's choice of where to go. Almost every time, I opted for lunch and the RV sales place just for the sheer joy of looking through them. It just never gets old to me. The life of being on the road and seeing how you can play house in the midst of traveling. And the fact that Brad and I were camped out in his trailer was even more fun since it made looking at them seem closer to home. We arrived safely at the conv center after having woven our way through the less than wonderful scenic bus route...though I can't complain about not making some comical memories in the process....and we proceeded to go up and down, in and out of seemingly hundreds of different RV models. It was such a highlight and unexpected surprise to be able to go to something so dear to my heart and the children and arrangements for them not even being an issue. It was like a sweet little kiss. Though I found myself wishing numerous times that Grayson and Evye had been able to see it.

So, after having been there for some time I walked behind Brad. I caught a whiff of nursing baby stink and figured Gavin probably had a small gas issue. I fell back for a moment and then sniffed again, giving time for the air to clear in between sniffs so the contaminated air could float away if it was indeed a gas leak. The 2nd whiff smelled about like the 1st and I informed Brad that I thought there was more to it than air. So, we went in search of the nearest bathroom. Brad lifted him out of the pack and, upon seeing him, said that we may have more of an issue than we originally thought. I looked and there was what seemed to be a small leak. I figured I could salvage the outfit by wiping the minor little poo line with a wipe and nobody'd be the wiser since he is tucked neatly inside the pack while we walk. I carried him into the bathroom diaper station and discovered after unsnapping him that the little poo streak was not exactly that. Nope. It was more like an atomic bomb had gone off and hit everything but the inside of his diaper. In fact....it was put out with so much force that the inside of his diaper was relatively dry and the explosion pattern was just that.......getting wider as the path went up and out of his diaper. It reached his neck. I yelled to Brad who was still standing outside of the bathroom, that we had more of a problem than we thought. I seriously didn't know quite what to do. I didn't even know where to start on the whole cleaning process. All the while women came and went from the bathroom checking out my predicament. Thankfully, they were mostly geriatrics since RV's are a very geriatric hobby. Little grannies came and went, clucking softly and sweetly to him, all the while stating the painful obviousness of my situation. Anywhere I laid the diaper it left piles of poo that I had tried to wipe off of him. So, the diaper changer was not really an ideal place for it and the floor was kind of out too since the diaper would have just left a portion of its contents there too. So, there he was butt naked on this hard plastic changing station and the trash can was many miles away on the opposite end of the bathroom. Finally I left him there so I could at least do away with the diaper and get back to wiping him down. It was seriously the closest I have ever come to hosing a kid down in a foreign sink. I think it took about the whole box of wipes to finally get him back into a sanitary state. And I refrain from using the word clean here since clean is not what comes to mind when I think about that incident...before or after the fact. He still wreaked but all signs of it on him were finally gone. With no other option I carried him out of the bathroom in his little diaper. That felt strange. I have never in my life carried any of my children outside of the home in a diaper. I'm a firm believer in one's children being presentable when out in public. So, in all of my years of parenting they have always had clean clothes, socks, shoes and the hair at least combed, if not completely styled. To me they just look uncared for and unkempt if you get out on the town with dirty kids with messed up hair and babies in nothing but diapers. Personal opinion here.

Improvising with a bungee cord hooked to a cabinet knob and some toys. He loved it!

So, I was more than little humbled as people cooed, oohed and ahhed over him in the backpack only to discover he was not dressed. Everytime somebody made a comment I immediately came back with the fact he had suffered a small accident. Brad finally laughed at me and told me I did not owe the world an explanation for our baby's naked state. Having been out and messed with now, Gavin had no desire to climb back into the pack. So, I nursed him in his little diaper under his blue blanket..his naked state hidden away from the world.....wrapped him back up and this time just carried him. Now longing for both the outfit and Snugli I had thrown out in my attempt to hurry things up to leave. He was more covered while being carried than in the backpack though so carry on I did. No one was the wiser. He had plenty of admirers but I just held him close so all that was visible was his little head peeking out from under the covers that bordered on suffocating him in my efforts to cover his skin against the outside wind and world. We made our way across the few streets and into the Riverwalk mall. I asked the 1st employee I could find where a mall directory could be found since we were in need of a baby boutique. After only a few steps we saw the glowing lights of Macy's. I'm not sure I've ever shopped there in my life but it was looking pretty good about then since my arms were aching after having carried his 16 pounds of solid little baby weight through the conv center, across streets and now through the mall. We were directed to the baby dept and quickly located a little red long john shirt and some overalls that were on sale for more than 1/2 price. And to top it off, it was the cutest thing they had. We found a little pair of socks and quickly headed to the register. Of course, no one could be found. On the move again we came into the shoe dept. While Brad paid I laid him on the chair provided and started ripping tags off. We had several nearby shoppers good naturedly laughing at us but I was just glad to finally have him in some clothes again.

Hanging with Daddy

We were ravished by that time so the hunt was on for the 1st decent restaurant we came across. After lunch we headed back to get the truck to set off for the rest of the fun we had decided to throw in. I told Brad that the two of us ought to have a date weekend at least once a season. I don't think we've had that much uninterrupted time together since our honeymoon.

Finally making peace with the travel swing

The end of a long day

14 Day Overhaul

Well...........I seem to be running out of time no matter how I plan my day. I just have so much stuff to cram in........and it usually consists of everything here at home!



So, despite the fact I still have tons of the rest of the trip to get on here I'm really wanting to get around to this too!

But........I'm sick, sick, sick of fighting the bulge. I fluctuate anywhere from 25-30 pds over my goal weight. So, over the weekend Brad and I decided to really get into this thing and get back in shape together. He needs to for work purposes and I am just ready to be down to goal again. It's been awhile. Upon coming home we started the process together. It's kind of a Bootcamp/WW/Atkins diet combined. I finally just decided it's the Bettis diet. I'm not counting points since the last few times I've done that my weight has not budged. But it's not really the Atkins since I've never done the Atkins and couldn't tell you too much about it other than the fact carbs are bad. And I suppose it's a lot of Bootcamp thrown in there. In fact, most of it spurred from that since I lost 16 pds in 2 wks when Jay put me on it. After 4 months of Bootcamp and not even losing 1 pd....and actually having gained 2......I went to him in desperation. He's sooooo cool! I was in the best shape of my life but stuck at a number that would not budge on the scale. Within 2 wks I was down to where I needed to be and a few weeks later I was in Abby's wedding in my sz 6 bridesmaid dress...unknowingly pregnant with 2!

So, here we are. I weighed before starting but didn't take measurements. I guess I should have. But I weighed again today for the fun of it and am already down 7 pds. For the 1st time in a long while I finally feel like I am making progress on that end of things. I walk/ran 1.5 miles on the treadmill yesterday. Then today it was so beautiful Grayson and I got the dogs out during naptime and I walk/ran 3 miles............more walking than running. Grayson rode and I had a dog on either side of me. I've known now for a long time they need to be walked daily and I always feel guilty when I look into the backyard and see them back there. But today we got after it and they fell right back into their routine of walking undeterred alongside me. My legs hurt sooooooo bad right now. It could get depressing how out of shape I am but, on the other hand, I cannot wait to start seeing results. I'll reweigh on Monday to see how far I've come.

The whole point to the 14 Day overhaul is that I purposed to stick religiously to it for 14 days. Jay said to follow the extremely low carb thing for 14 days and then to break from it and add in a few good carbs (whole grains, whole pastas, and low fat carbs such as popcorn) for 1 wk. In that week if my weight slowed considerably once more then to start again on the extremely low carb plan. I finally just figured I had gotten desperate enough that I can do anything for 14 days. It's only 14 days!!!! So, I added an intense workout routine...well, I suppose intense is relative.....and have set to work on the meal plan. I'm not sure whether to weigh on the 7th day and 14th day or just to wait until the 14th day to check out my progress and see if I'm up for another 14 day round of it. I kind of want to wait it out til the 14 day mark but then I have never in my life been known for possesing any amount of patience. And I really want to chart my progress...to see if I'm making any at all. I guess on the 7 day mark I'll see what I feel like. If I'm in the scale mood I suppose I'll hop on and check things out. So far so good though!!!

San Antonio Alone Time

Saturday Morning around 9:30

Well........here I sit not only without internet access but without any computer at all. But I find within myself a need to pour forth deep inner searchings of my soul. So, I write with pen in hand on an empty sheet of notebook paper...reverting back to a truly archaic form of expressing emotion. There is comfort in it....something that brings back days of long ago. No doubt it'd go much faster with a keyboard....and my handwriting is only minimally legible, obviously having been out of practice for one too many years.

We ended up leaving Evye behind with the others so I opted out of spending an entire 8 hour day on the town while Brad takes care of business. Having arrived yesterday mid afternoon we got the trailer set up and then headed off to check out our surroundings. Though the allure of having a blissful alone day to do nothing but browse through craft stores, endless dictionarily thick pattern books and isle upon isle of Target's Superstore...something San Angelo lacks.....I found myself in love with tiny trailer life. Thus bringing us back to the present moment. I sit here in our tiny 6 sq ft trailer listening to an old crackly radio station at our little table for two. Gavin sleeps peacefully in the sunlight that streams through the windows......windows that frame the old, sleeping barren trees that dance gracefully above us in the wind on this beautiful 75 degree winter day. Birds chirp reminding me of visits to the birdatarium....the name eludes me right now....and I am once more amazed that this is real life. This is no zoo that I am walking through but this is very much reality and what life is like on the road in complete simplicity. Again I find myself a bit confounded at my absolute love of this lifestyle. I am captivated my living so minimally and so far away from the typical expectation of the standard American lifestyle. All the way here as we drove past the many towns, passing through the green hilly terrain of the TX hill country, I fell in love once more with life on the road. Majestic rocks towered many feet above us and the road swirled and turned weaving up and down and through the hills. The long suppressed captivation and love of traveling gripped my heart once more and I felt it beat a little faster. I seemed to have laid it down and almost forgotten it somewhere along the way as I conformed to the socially acceptable family life.

But as I sit I find myself longing for the children to see these things that I see and experience this life. I see young children on bikes and playing at our little campsite park, I see how well Gavin travels and I wonder what it would be like to forsake our life of comfort and set sail into the unknown of America. We are surrounded by massive bus like RV's that have come from as far away as Minn, Montana and Vermont. Even Alaska and 3 different provinces of Canada. What do these places look like? What have these people seen during their thousand mile excursions? The RV next to us has almost every state colored in on their "Where We've Been" map. I wrote each visiting state tag down for the children and I to look up as part of our geography stuff once we get home. In this one RV park alone there are 26 different states represented and 2 different countries (Mexico and Canada...for the mentally challenged such as myself).

I know that on a fireman's salary domestic travels will probably have to wait until our retirement years yet I long for the children to see these things in their discovery years that are so filled with wide eyed wonder. Last night Brad and I laid in the bed whispering and trying to laugh quietly as we waited for Gavin to finally come down off of his caffeine high from the coffee I drank. As we tried to suppress our laughs we marveled over the fact that Nanny and Pawpaw lived this very life for years....even raising a baby for his 1st three years of life.....in a tiny trailer not far from our's. As Pawpaw chased pipeline Nanny was by his side in every state raising their baby and following her husband's dream.....one that would someday become a reality. After having now experienced this life for myself it seems a bit similar to wagon training. What would it be to get out of the rut of everyday life and do something so entirely extreme? What would it be to sell out, pay cash for a huge honkin trailer that would fit our family and build relationships and campfire memories that would last a lifetime? What would it be to be forced to live so minimally? What would it be to throw open the doors of life and discovery with wild abandon...to show them the sky is the limit? That if we as parents can do something so extreme with 7 children in tow that they can for sure conquer anything they set their heart on...anything they dream is possible. To not only school around a table but to experience every different terrain, landscape, historical place. The geysers in Yosemite, the canyons of Arizona, the mountains of Montana, the lighthouses of New England, the Sequoia trees of Calif., the shores of N Carolina, the smoky mountains of Tennessee, the Ozarks of Arkansas. The history of the US and Mexico. What would it be to sit around a campfire and grill hot dogs, hamburgers and pizzas every night? To sit around an outdoor picnic table almost every night of the year with all of our children circled around. What would it be? We'd be a bit like the large family version on wheels of the dude who did Walk across America. I love his 2 books!

Oh.....my wanderlust has wickedly returned. How is it that Brad and I finally get settled and fall into a routine of what should be the American dream only to discover that we want to go even more extreme? God is growing us into a place in life that I never pictured either of us. AS we grow even further into our marriage we grow even more balanced and we realize how alike we really are. We realize what a true friendship we really have as we fall more in love with each other and each other's dreams and goals, likes and dislikes. What does it all mean? I don't know. I do know that the Lord is exceedingly better at matchmaking than any mortal mind ever will be. Or maybe not only is it the Lord but the 100% give and the 100% take Brad and I have come to embrace in marriage. The complete surrender of the expectation of the other......the complete surrender of the expectation of life itself.

We both know that God is moving us into a very different place in life. Neither of us are sure what it means but we know that both of our hearts are there and both of us are willing to do the extreme and go the distance. It is a place I never thought I would be. It's a place that most every Christian says they are but nobody ever really does it. It's the whole "Oh....I'd do anything and go wherever for His glory" but they stay put their entire lives in a comfort zone they refuse.....or are too scared......to leave. It's cushion in life of false security, comfort and the world's standard of stability. It's also a fear of being frowned upon by the ones that see it as irrational and complete and utter insanity. The fear of being looked down upon by family, friends and neighbors. But upon the two of us breaking free from the molds society chains onto people we are truly breaking free. It is a freedom that remains unrivaled in our lives. The Lord is truly breaking the chains and setting us free on an adventure that neither of us know where it will lead....and that is the absolute life changing part of this. It is the complete and total surrender of control to allow the Lord to work freely in our lives and take us where He wants us....not where we think we ought to be to. Now granted, we could never sell out and hit the road...just washing dishes along the way to pay for gas.........not to say that I didn't entertain that thought too!!! No........my point in even wondering what the road would hold in store is because my heart is being opened to everything new in life once more. A freedom I lost long ago as the chains of false security and my own life's expectations crept slowly upon me and eventually tied and bound. These are the chains that both Brad and I are breaking free from. A work that God has been faithful to do in us simultaneously. The freedom that accompanies the work and allows us to finally no longer fear the opinions of others is so absolutely breathtaking in every sense of the word. It is so exciting and there is such a lightheartedness that sometimes it literally just takes our breath away.

For you shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains
and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you and all of the
trees shall clap their hands. Is 55:12.

This is the verse that repeatedly comes to mind as we walk through this. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I love the joy it exudes. Maybe because it is indicative of the freedom we feel to forsake the expectations of others and follow where God is directing us now. So, I looked up once more the verse and read back through to the beginning. Backwards, I know. I truly believe the Lord has put this on my heart for a reason and here is what I found. It is only one of the many Scriptures that encapsulates where we are and the work that God is doing within us.

Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what
does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me and eat what is good, and delight
yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me. Listen, that you may
live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you according to the faithful
mercies shown to David. Behold I have made him a witness to the peoples, a
leader and commander for the peoples. Behold you will call a nation you do not
know and a nation which knows you not will run to you because of the Lord your
God even the Holy One of Israel, for He has glorified you. Seek the Lord while
He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way
and the unrighteous man his thoughts and let him return to the Lord and He will
have compassion on him and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. For my
thoughts are not your thoughts, neither of my ways your ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your
ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and snow come down from
Heaven and don to return there without watering the earth and making it bear and
sprout and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater so shall My word
be which goes forth from My mouth. It shall not return to Me empty, without
accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the mater for which I sent
it.

The Message version of verses 12-13

So you'll go out in joy and you'll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees
of the forest will join in the procession, exuberant with applause. No more
thistles, but giant sequoias...no more thornbushes,but stately pines - Monuments
to Me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God.
Is 55:2-13

These verses are really indicative of where we've been, where we are and what I feel is coming. It is a forsaking of the past and what people have perceived of us then and now and is a picture of us girding ourselves with what we have been called to do and going out to do it....and being blessed tremendously for it because we have chosen to heed the instructions of the Lord.

Life is definitely full of surprises and I am just really curious to see what else God has in store. It's pretty crazy so nothing at this point sounds out there anymore. I love what the Lord has done in our lives and I know He's just moving us to different places to accomplish His purpose. What that is.........well........I'm still trying to figure out. But the journey's fun. It's all just so crazy........but I'm finally beginning to love it and lessen my death hold on expectation and the way I thought life should be. Once I began to give up and embrace all of this the more fun it became and now it's just really kind of exciting. I guess I'm not really scared anymore either. We are free!!!!!!!! Anything is possible!