Well........here I sit not only without internet access but without any computer at all. But I find within myself a need to pour forth deep inner searchings of my soul. So, I write with pen in hand on an empty sheet of notebook paper...reverting back to a truly archaic form of expressing emotion. There is comfort in it....something that brings back days of long ago. No doubt it'd go much faster with a keyboard....and my handwriting is only minimally legible, obviously having been out of practice for one too many years.
We ended up leaving Evye behind with the others so I opted out of spending an entire 8 hour day on the town while Brad takes care of business. Having arrived yesterday mid afternoon we got the trailer set up and then headed off to check out our surroundings. Though the allure of having a blissful alone day to do nothing but browse through craft stores, endless dictionarily thick pattern books and isle upon isle of Target's Superstore...something San Angelo lacks.....I found myself in love with tiny trailer life. Thus bringing us back to the present moment. I sit here in our tiny 6 sq ft trailer listening to an old crackly radio station at our little table for two. Gavin sleeps peacefully in the sunlight that streams through the windows......windows that frame the old, sleeping barren trees that dance gracefully above us in the wind on this beautiful 75 degree winter day. Birds chirp reminding me of visits to the birdatarium....the name eludes me right now....and I am once more amazed that this is real life. This is no zoo that I am walking through but this is very much reality and what life is like on the road in complete simplicity. Again I find myself a bit confounded at my absolute love of this lifestyle. I am captivated my living so minimally and so far away from the typical expectation of the standard American lifestyle. All the way here as we drove past the many towns, passing through the green hilly terrain of the TX hill country, I fell in love once more with life on the road. Majestic rocks towered many feet above us and the road swirled and turned weaving up and down and through the hills. The long suppressed captivation and love of traveling gripped my heart once more and I felt it beat a little faster. I seemed to have laid it down and almost forgotten it somewhere along the way as I conformed to the socially acceptable family life.
But as I sit I find myself longing for the children to see these things that I see and experience this life. I see young children on bikes and playing at our little campsite park, I see how well Gavin travels and I wonder what it would be like to forsake our life of comfort and set sail into the unknown of America. We are surrounded by massive bus like RV's that have come from as far away as Minn, Montana and Vermont. Even Alaska and 3 different provinces of Canada. What do these places look like? What have these people seen during their thousand mile excursions? The RV next to us has almost every state colored in on their "Where We've Been" map. I wrote each visiting state tag down for the children and I to look up as part of our geography stuff once we get home. In this one RV park alone there are 26 different states represented and 2 different countries (Mexico and Canada...for the mentally challenged such as myself).
I know that on a fireman's salary domestic travels will probably have to wait until our retirement years yet I long for the children to see these things in their discovery years that are so filled with wide eyed wonder. Last night Brad and I laid in the bed whispering and trying to laugh quietly as we waited for Gavin to finally come down off of his caffeine high from the coffee I drank. As we tried to suppress our laughs we marveled over the fact that Nanny and Pawpaw lived this very life for years....even raising a baby for his 1st three years of life.....in a tiny trailer not far from our's. As Pawpaw chased pipeline Nanny was by his side in every state raising their baby and following her husband's dream.....one that would someday become a reality. After having now experienced this life for myself it seems a bit similar to wagon training. What would it be to get out of the rut of everyday life and do something so entirely extreme? What would it be to sell out, pay cash for a huge honkin trailer that would fit our family and build relationships and campfire memories that would last a lifetime? What would it be to be forced to live so minimally? What would it be to throw open the doors of life and discovery with wild abandon...to show them the sky is the limit? That if we as parents can do something so extreme with 7 children in tow that they can for sure conquer anything they set their heart on...anything they dream is possible. To not only school around a table but to experience every different terrain, landscape, historical place. The geysers in Yosemite, the canyons of Arizona, the mountains of Montana, the lighthouses of New England, the Sequoia trees of Calif., the shores of N Carolina, the smoky mountains of Tennessee, the Ozarks of Arkansas. The history of the US and Mexico. What would it be to sit around a campfire and grill hot dogs, hamburgers and pizzas every night? To sit around an outdoor picnic table almost every night of the year with all of our children circled around. What would it be? We'd be a bit like the large family version on wheels of the dude who did Walk across America. I love his 2 books!
Oh.....my wanderlust has wickedly returned. How is it that Brad and I finally get settled and fall into a routine of what should be the American dream only to discover that we want to go even more extreme? God is growing us into a place in life that I never pictured either of us. AS we grow even further into our marriage we grow even more balanced and we realize how alike we really are. We realize what a true friendship we really have as we fall more in love with each other and each other's dreams and goals, likes and dislikes. What does it all mean? I don't know. I do know that the Lord is exceedingly better at matchmaking than any mortal mind ever will be. Or maybe not only is it the Lord but the 100% give and the 100% take Brad and I have come to embrace in marriage. The complete surrender of the expectation of the other......the complete surrender of the expectation of life itself.
We both know that God is moving us into a very different place in life. Neither of us are sure what it means but we know that both of our hearts are there and both of us are willing to do the extreme and go the distance. It is a place I never thought I would be. It's a place that most every Christian says they are but nobody ever really does it. It's the whole "Oh....I'd do anything and go wherever for His glory" but they stay put their entire lives in a comfort zone they refuse.....or are too scared......to leave. It's cushion in life of false security, comfort and the world's standard of stability. It's also a fear of being frowned upon by the ones that see it as irrational and complete and utter insanity. The fear of being looked down upon by family, friends and neighbors. But upon the two of us breaking free from the molds society chains onto people we are truly breaking free. It is a freedom that remains unrivaled in our lives. The Lord is truly breaking the chains and setting us free on an adventure that neither of us know where it will lead....and that is the absolute life changing part of this. It is the complete and total surrender of control to allow the Lord to work freely in our lives and take us where He wants us....not where we think we ought to be to. Now granted, we could never sell out and hit the road...just washing dishes along the way to pay for gas.........not to say that I didn't entertain that thought too!!! No........my point in even wondering what the road would hold in store is because my heart is being opened to everything new in life once more. A freedom I lost long ago as the chains of false security and my own life's expectations crept slowly upon me and eventually tied and bound. These are the chains that both Brad and I are breaking free from. A work that God has been faithful to do in us simultaneously. The freedom that accompanies the work and allows us to finally no longer fear the opinions of others is so absolutely breathtaking in every sense of the word. It is so exciting and there is such a lightheartedness that sometimes it literally just takes our breath away.
For you shall go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains
and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you and all of the
trees shall clap their hands. Is 55:12.
This is the verse that repeatedly comes to mind as we walk through this. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I love the joy it exudes. Maybe because it is indicative of the freedom we feel to forsake the expectations of others and follow where God is directing us now. So, I looked up once more the verse and read back through to the beginning. Backwards, I know. I truly believe the Lord has put this on my heart for a reason and here is what I found. It is only one of the many Scriptures that encapsulates where we are and the work that God is doing within us.
Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what
does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me and eat what is good, and delight
yourself in abundance. Incline your ear and come to Me. Listen, that you may
live and I will make an everlasting covenant with you according to the faithful
mercies shown to David. Behold I have made him a witness to the peoples, a
leader and commander for the peoples. Behold you will call a nation you do not
know and a nation which knows you not will run to you because of the Lord your
God even the Holy One of Israel, for He has glorified you. Seek the Lord while
He may be found. Call upon Him while He is near. Let the wicked forsake his way
and the unrighteous man his thoughts and let him return to the Lord and He will
have compassion on him and to our God, for He will abundantly pardon. For my
thoughts are not your thoughts, neither of my ways your ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your
ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and snow come down from
Heaven and don to return there without watering the earth and making it bear and
sprout and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater so shall My word
be which goes forth from My mouth. It shall not return to Me empty, without
accomplishing what I desire and without succeeding in the mater for which I sent
it.
The Message version of verses 12-13
So you'll go out in joy and you'll be led into a whole and complete life.
The mountains and hills will lead the parade, bursting with song. All the trees
of the forest will join in the procession, exuberant with applause. No more
thistles, but giant sequoias...no more thornbushes,but stately pines - Monuments
to Me, to God, living and lasting evidence of God.
Is 55:2-13
These verses are really indicative of where we've been, where we are and what I feel is coming. It is a forsaking of the past and what people have perceived of us then and now and is a picture of us girding ourselves with what we have been called to do and going out to do it....and being blessed tremendously for it because we have chosen to heed the instructions of the Lord.
Life is definitely full of surprises and I am just really curious to see what else God has in store. It's pretty crazy so nothing at this point sounds out there anymore. I love what the Lord has done in our lives and I know He's just moving us to different places to accomplish His purpose. What that is.........well........I'm still trying to figure out. But the journey's fun. It's all just so crazy........but I'm finally beginning to love it and lessen my death hold on expectation and the way I thought life should be. Once I began to give up and embrace all of this the more fun it became and now it's just really kind of exciting. I guess I'm not really scared anymore either. We are free!!!!!!!! Anything is possible!
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