What's Your Why?

Running changes you. It just does. It does every single time I put one foot in front of the other. It does every single time mind screams to quit, every single time muscles scream to take a break. When you run you find yourself. You find everything you're made of. You awaken your spiritual side. You awaken your mental side. You awaken your physical side. And you have to face the reality that you're either a quitter or you're not. Every push-up. Every squat. The only person responsible for success or failure....is me. The only person that stopped and gave up was....me. The only person that succeeded and overcame it all was....me. And in running and pushing and challenging absolutely everything I am....I've found everything I can be...or everything I choose not to be.

And I've found my why.

When you learn to overcome your circumstances, when your passion overrides your fear, when your desire is bigger than your apathy, when your determination rises above your victimized mentality....you go places and you become someone.

The vision is big. And for the first time in life I know I can do it. Because we haven't been through everything we have for it not to mean something. We haven't come this far not to have a story. I didn't live through my 6 year old being beaten and raped, I didn't live out a horrific miscarriage, I didn't live out losing relationships, I didn't live out 2 entire years of sickness and mice and mold and learn to love the way we have, learn to forgive the way we have, learn to be kind the way we have, learn to feel compassion so deep that it aches, learn to walk in integrity even when it means making parts of my life harder, when it allows others an unfair advantage, when it exposes my weaknesses, when it means no one else would ever know the difference, when it requires me to treat others better than we've been treated. I didn't learn to turn away from the overwhelming grip of temptation....for it all not to mean something. I've found my why.

And so I pursue it with everything within me. Because my children are going to know that anything is possible. This woman that doesn't even possess a GED, that never passed an English class, this girl that never made it past 9th/10th grade, this soul that searches insatiably for so much more knowledge...that yearns to know more.....is going back to school and starting a business and a passion. And I will be successful. I want my husband to pursue his passion. I want my children to pursue their passions. I want them to see and know that anything is possible. I want my husband to be a fighter, lover of all things jiu jitsu that he is. I want my boys and girls to fight and know what it is to overcome themselves. I want them to wrestle with the devil within and know that they're stronger than anything trying to take hold. You choose to stay a victim or you choose to overcome. You. And only you. If you want change, make it happen. If you want success, make it happen. If you want to live your passion, make it happen. I want a Gracie jiu jitsu black belt in my husband. I want to see him thrive in his passion, to make a profession out of it, to compete, to walk into a room with intimidating confidence yet exude the humility that so intimately accompanies the practice of the art, to be the badass that he is...tattoos and earrings, Cageside shirts....to know he lives his passion. I want Grayson to know and see that professional biking is not just a dream. It can be a reality. Those football scouts and scholarships may very well take him to the NFL. And he's good enough to make it happen. He doesn't have to conform to the mold and live in the white or blue collared box. I want Evye to know that the box the world stuffs a woman within is not what has to shape her nor does she have to live within the confines of it. Refusing to conform doesn't necessarily mean embracing feminism but neither does her life have to embody the essence of only nursing babies without enriching other aspects and God given passions. What IS her passion? What has been put into her own personal heart? It's just not too late to change the course of history and generations. And it starts with me. Because I can go to school, pursue my passion, start a business. I can teach my children and be successful in a world that desperately needs kinder, less judgmental people. Success may or may not encompass monetary gain. Success simply means living out the accomplishment of an aim or purpose. And I can be...I will be....successful. So can my husband and so can each and every one of our children. I can help my husband be everything he wants to be. I can teach my children to live out their passions. Screw the box.

Call it a midlife crisis. Or maybe see it for what it really is.....that you only grow older and years pass....and you're still in that job wishing it were different. You're still counting on the "someday" to have time to pursue all your passions. Make your life your passion. It was instilled within you for a reason. Just because I want more doesn't have to mean I've forsaken the calling of motherhood. It means I'm actively learning time management and have to perfect the art of managing my life and priorities, self discipline in ways I never imagined. It means I've learned that I can sit with a baby in my lap and still love each and every one of them with a pencil in my hand and a book in front of me. I don't have children for religious reasons. I have children because I absolutely love having kids. I love the raw unfiltered joy they bring...the fun and the humor to life. And part of my responsibility of raising every single one of them is teaching them that success in life is carrying out...living out...the passions and gifts that have been instilled within them. It means teaching them that success is not defined by your paycheck or my standards or conforming. It means being a free thinker...an absolute independent person that can only fulfill their life purpose when they are free from society's mold. It means living out the example. It means I've learned to work hard and get up early and take my day captive. I love my children more than life itself....I love them more than anything I ever remotely thought possible....and I'm going to be the example they need to give them the wings and the courage to pursue it all and fly. They've been given specific passions and interests for a reason. "You don't have to control your thoughts. You just have to let them stop controlling you." I teach them this knowing it will allow them to fly free from the bondage which held me captive.  I refuse to leave the legacy of the could've been, I never tried, I wish I'd done. They will know above all else that "of course, it's hard. It's supposed to be hard. If it were easy everyone would be doing it. Hard is what makes it great." Ten years is going to go by whether you do anything with it or not...so let it tell your story. Write your story. Find your calling and execute it with precision. Chase it. Pursue it. Don't give up until you've obtained it. "People often fool themselves into the comfortable life by reasoning that taking "baby steps" is sufficient. But if we are forever taking baby steps...living life without bold steps and those chancy bets of courage that are the mark of greatness....than our character and dreams will forever languish in their infancy. To live a fully charged life, we must allow the risk and vulnerability of those great leaps into the unknown. Let us be so brave."

So I've registered for school and all the knowledge for which I yearn. I will be a certified nutritionist, certified herbalist, certified yoga instructor, certified personal trainer, and certified health coach by the end of it all. I am taking a class on religion because I want to know why I'm not an atheist but no longer can tolerate the attitude and mentality of exclusion in modern American Christianity. I pursue my passion of physical fitness, holistic health and wellness, and perhaps on to an Applied Science Degree in Alternative Medicine. It is the culmination of everything in life up to this point. All that I learned during my 7 years of midwifery, all that I have gained from my own personal weight struggle, my passion for writing, my love for working from home, all the years of learning and growing I have done as an individual, we have done as a couple, and we have accomplished as a family. I will show my children that it's never too late to pursue your dream. Shift husband joins me as he goes back to school also and returns to intense training to make his dream a reality. Together we change the course of history for our family and for generations to come. Because I know my why. What's yours?

You will struggle.

You will sweat.

You will cry.

You will want to give up.

But, above all, you will overcome.

Because you were meant to be great.

And they will know and live by this.