Letting Go

4:11 am and sleep evades. I was going to write a bit but restless husband awoke not long after I was up at 3:20 am. So, we're up together and I'll keep it limited to a picture post. So much to say. Emotions are a little everywhere right now. It's more than a little surreal to know we have mere hours left within the state of Texas....and I quietly wonder when we'll ever be back. If finances do improve up there and we are exceedingly blessed I'd happily and easily go back and forth between the two states. But if things stay the same we'll live happily in our new homeland...but it could be years before we return. And so I look at our home a little longingly and, like a slide show, memories play through my head. Big twins just babies when we came here to this foreign land. And seven years later it is home. Lone Texas highways, sleepy little town, despite all the politics and bad attitudes it harbors within. We have realized as we leave how we have been touched by so many lives here and how many we have touched and come to know. My heart quivers with excitement over what awaits but there is pain in the farewells....so much more than what I ever anticipated. Being stretched....pulled....out of the comfort zone and grown to new depths. My heart aches as I look at this land and those we have fallen so deeply in love with here and tears flow...excitement tempered a bit by the sobering reality that these are our last 24 hours....but hope and joy abide in the heart for all that lies ahead. Children eagerly count down hours as we finish last minute preparations. Energy they create in the house is high as they laugh and bring joy in every way. It's like sleepless Christmas Eve as anticipation of family and friends, good food and fellowship awaits.

We learned yesterday the landlord put carpet in the house. Carpet. All of it. Apparently they found it too expensive to go with laminate wood floors....which we forewarned them of sticker shock and for that very reason requested cheap laminate or tile.....but they ignored and carpeted the entire thing. And after being on the edge a little that was all it took to spur a meltdown. So, after growing infuriated I cried and then cried and then cried some more. I quickly saw our social life...not to mention the entire world...coming to an end. Carpet will be ruined in two days. Landlord said he is well aware of the fact carpet will be ruined but not to worry since they fully expect that and told husband to please put my mind at ease. But it offered no solace whatsoever. At that point I could care less about the landlord and what they were prepared for. All I saw was no longer being able to invite guests over or hosts out of town friends and family members due to the horrific nastiness of the stained floors. We specifically looked for a house with no carpet for this reason. So, I was mad, at my wit's end, a little exhausted and beyond the point of reasoning with. Ever patient husband knelt in front of me as I sat on the bed pathetically in my self pity and cried it all out, losing all sight of anything good and completely having lost my focus, and he comforted. He just sat and hugged and let me tearfully vent an entire week's worth of frustration and stress. He told me of how well I have done, how strong I have been, how he could never in a lifetime do this with anyone else in life and how this would not have even been possible without everything I have done as I have packed us and managed children and most meals throughout this entire process. He assured me we'd have carpet scotch guarded and would just build into our budget having it cleaned every 3 months. Of course, this offered no comfort at the moment as I pessimistically thought of how it would require bleaching every 3 days...not months. I pathetically asked him in my moment of insanity if we could just put one of those clear construction tarps down for new carpet and live on it over the top of the carpet for the 5 years we aniticipate being there. He smirked and answered, "Possibly." And then I cried over the the allergy factor and knowing this has the very real potential of making me sick quite a bit. And I tried to wrap my head around taking care of 11 kids while fending off constant sickness since we are moving from dry arid desert air to thick, wooded forest with rain and mold spores. All things never talked about but we were highly warned about by allergists and the ENT. Stuff that could potentially land me in the hospital.

But when I am rational I know in my head and heart I do not live in fear of sickness and I serve a God that is so much bigger than carpet....and dirt....and nastiness....and allergens. And if the people that would come see us have problems with issues I cannot control such as carpet in a rent house than they're probably better off not visiting at all.

So, I continued to cry for a good long while as he just held me, knowing I was beyond rational at that point. And he whispered sweet nothings in my ear until I cried myself out. With no energy left to cry anymore I wiped tears away, gained my composure, stood up and figured since there was no controlling it I needed a plan to deal with it. He kissed me long and hard and then said that we've come this far, we can definitely make it the rest of the way. I only have 2 days left of this insanity before this aspect of it is over and we embark on the next phase of this journey. I have come to realize in this that moving is a bit like an marriage engagement. The planning needs to be cut as short and sweet as possible. Do it, get it over with and get on the rest of the picture. 6 weeks of moving preparation was way too long. It needed to be about 3. Once you make up your mind to do it....just do it.

To be continued......

Cousin Asher at Brad's parents' during our farewell trip to the Midland area

Cousin Asher