Preoccupation fills the heart and soul. We've been down this road...a mere 5 years ago but still it feels new again, still the feelings of nervousness like a first time twin mom mixed with tingling excitement of what life holds....how blessed we are. 5 1/2 years ago babies made only the addition of four and five to our family and the older three were only 6, just barely 4 and 18 months. Only one was school age and life seemed simple, albeit lonely, as commuting husband began his 2 year separation from us four weeks before they were born. This time around we have 5 school age children in addition to a 4, 3, and 2 year old by the time they arrive. I have no doubt we can do this...now more than ever. The older ones are older...even Garrison, Grant and Garrett having their daily chores. Dishes get routinely done after each meal, floors stay clean, wash stays done, clothes stay put up. School stuff has found a schedule throughout hot summer months where Texas heat drives even the most heat tolerant children indoors. Life is organized with a very good, routine flow to it most days. Traveling has become easy as we have learned the essentials and how to organize it all. But still....my mind tries to wrap around the fact there are two babies.
Baby B as he once again turns face into arm and falls back asleep. If they continue this sleeping pattern with face turned into arm they will make the 2nd and 3rd babies that have slept and comforted themselves in this position. Gavin still does it to fall asleep.
So, we focus now on preparations, as there is only a mere 16 to 18 or so weeks left before they arrive. Cooking and freezing many meals, the birth itself and even just the mundane details of life. Suddenly we both realized that we will go from needing only 3 seats in the van with nine children to needing all 4 to fit us all...which means loss of cargo/hauling space. Thoughts turn to putting in the 1st, 2nd and 4th row seats, leaving a broad space for any and all stuff between rows 2 and 4. Or doing as friends have done and modifying the seat arrangement by fitting the longer 4 seat bench in the 3rd row spot therefore accommodating 3,3, and 4 children on the 1st, 2nd and 3rd rows.
As my mind finally came to a peaceful resting place as it all began to soak in and reality became more of a reality instead of shock and excitement the tears of total gratefulness began to fall. Tears that seemed to release so much of what I have continued to hold onto the past year. Tears that I did not "fail" any parental test I was given by God but that even amidst the emotions and the anger that the Lord still saw my heart and He knows Brad's heart. He knows how much Brad is in love with the children we have. He sees his dedication to raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord and walk in the truths of righteousness. He knows my beloved husband's heart and how soft it is for the children we have been given. He knows the guilt, the blame that soft hearted husband has felt and has had to deal with in all of this. He knows the anguish of his heart as he watched us lose a baby and sat helplessly by in a hospital chair..nothing he could do to make it all go away.
And the tears began to fall out of gratefulness, and total humility, of the blessings that we have been given despite how much I have yelled and screamed at God, despite my lack of faith and total loss of trust, the volatile emotions that swing as a pendulum, rocketing between total abandonment to God and defiant anger. And I realized that just as the passionate heart of David captured the heart of God amidst all of his emotions and passion-filled life as he committed adultery, ordered a man to be killed due to his own lust and took beautiful Bathsheba for his own so does any heart filled with such passion for the heart of God despite the failures of human-ness. David filled the pages of Psalms rocketing between overwhelming joy, immense fear and utter despair.....yet still he was favored by God who saw his passionate heart, who loved him for his uninhibited spirit, who saw the potential of a man whose heart was given in abandoned to the heart of God despite his many setbacks and failures. What is more of a loss...to never live and be afraid of the fall or to live with passion and fall greatly? For those who fall can get up and move on even stronger than before...but those that never fall never know what it is to experience the mercy and grace of God in ways that alter the course of one's life and change the course of history.
And in the story of David I have seen that despite how far I can fall, and how much I can so mess up, how badly I can miss the voice of God, He still sees my heart and loves that which He sees in me...that I am worthy of His attention, His grace, His mercy, but more than that I have His favor. We are indeed blessed beyond measure, beyond the ordinary. We live a life that has indeed ruined us for the ordinary because we have begged for it, we have begged and been on our knees to see the hand of God in ways that most people will never know. And when I felt abandoned and forsaken in ways few have ever known I am coming to see that it is all in answer to what we have prayed for....to live this life so that we can see Him more clearly than we ever would have otherwise....to know Him more intimately than I ever imagined. When I have so missed it and so messed up, ignored the still small voice and continued to lay there in laziness He is using it all and turning it into a life story woven by the threads of His mercy and grace to show who He is and how forgiven we are. That I can commit crimes worthy of death and worthy of having all blessing and favor stripped from me yet still He looks at my heart, He looks at the longing to live a life committed to Him in total abandon and He forgives. And He goes even farther than forgiving....He blesses and He extends favor to those that love Him and are committed to seeking His heart and drawing closer.
I have pushed away in anger as I have screamed at Him and I have drawn near as I have wept in utter despair, feeling so entirely forsaken by Him. I have not been the exemplary model of Christianity. One specific night took place a mere six weeks ago as I had reached what I knew to be my end. As we watched several friends and families rejoice around us as very long uttered prayers began to be answered my ability to rejoice with them began to wane. Day after day there were phone calls and news from what seemed like an infinite amount of dear people around us that called to report amazing ways in which God had begun to move mountains within their lives...mountains of no tiny insignificance. Big, mighty mountains that only God Himself could move. And my pity party grew exponentially as I dwelt on the life we have been given to live. How forsaken and alone I felt...every feeling compounded as it came back to haunt my heart and soul.
With husband on the phone, completely unaware of my state of mind, I took off walking. Children tucked into bed, summer winds blowing out the last rays of daylight, darkness settling upon the surrounding pastures. I just needed to escape the chaotic state of my own mind. The merciless games within that pervade at times. Feet seemed to find the old road to the river and so I walked, down through the pastures and along the curvy path of the river. Moon rising, cool winds of night blowing hair from face and every thought from mind. So much anger pervaded that tears could not fall. Finances were at an all time low and we were hundreds of dollars overdrawn. Business was so slow that we were now paying out of pocket for the business just to try and keep it out of danger. Vortex spraying husband had not had a truck to spray since Feb or March...I couldn't remember which....but long enough to know that his meager fire salary was not supporting our family of 10 along with a mountain of business expenses.
One thought led to another and my mind eventually found its way back to last summer...now almost a year ago. How could He? How could a God that promises to protect and hide you in the shelter of His wings, under the shadow of the rock so allow a violation such as what happened to take take place. We trusted Him. I trusted Him in every way to protect our children. We have followed what we feel He has laid upon our hearts. We have opened our heart to these children He is continuing to bless us with. We have done what we felt He has called us to do yet my heart grew angrier as I pondered how trampled on it has become. As He has taken what we have given Him and thrown it under the bus. Tears began to fall as I thought of the martyrs that have gone before...the life of suffering for the sake of Him to which they were called. And so I swung between mounds of guilt for not being grateful for what we have been given and total anger for what I felt has been stripped from us. Other large families around us making large six digit incomes while we follow our hearts and the conviction upon it and try to live on less than 40 grand a year. It didn't seem fair. None of it seemed fair.
Armed with a gun, for the occasional passing rattlesnake and seemingly ever present pieces of crap with no good intention within their mind, and my phone I walked for two or so hours lost in reverie. Ringing phone momentarily jolted me out of my funk as angered and worried husband sought my location, combing the streets in his truck. I quickly dried the tears and bolstered myself for the taxi'd drive home I knew awaited. I didn't talk. I didn't feel like talking so said nothing. After repeated attempts on his part to dig it out of me I knew that if I let go at that point I'd unleash it all....and no one deserved that...especially the one man that I hold closer to my heart than life itself, the one man that I would never in my lifetime want to inflict pain on or bring hurt to in any way. My dearly beloved, who in no way deserved this kind of wrath that festered within. So, I remained quiet as he continued to dig deep, knowing me well, and the healing yet still raw wounds began to bleed again. And in my despair I began to cry and the more I cried the madder I became. We sat in the driveway within his truck, windows rolled down as early summer wind blew and stars lit up the night sky beyond. I did eventually unleash it all...even going so far as to why God would answer all of those around us yet still continue to ignore us..as if we have been left floating in a life raft on this tumultuous sea without any hope in sight. And the life raft seemed to be deflating in a not so slow manner....and seemed, in fact, to be blow torching its way to deflation. Abandoned, forsaken and alone...all words used over and again that night. Why...when we have devoted ourselves to Him would He let something so horrific take place. I failed. I did fail in every way...but He could have stopped it. His guardian angels do have purpose. There's a million ways He could have never let it happen. And why...not only did she have to endure it all did He not comein and heal her ear supernaturally after it was all over?? Why were we left still dealing with the life changing, permanent damage that seemed to have been done when He could come heal? And why...when we had so come to embrace our baby did he strip it away? Despite the fact I was pregnant yet again amidst the dire predictions we were given of infertility why did it ever happen? Why was it not just even a normal miscarriage...but resulted in 6 months of royally screwed up hormones. Any why on earth when something is suppose to be a 48 hr process did it take 13 wks for us? It wasn't just the fact it happened but the nature of how it all happened.
And in those many angry words that night I pondered why, when I had prayed so much for a second set of twins, did He continue to ignore it and look us over as 2 different families announced the news of their pregnancies and 2 more yet announced the discovery of twins. Angry, angry words directed at God. Hateful statement even made that it was a good thing we were not expecting twins since we couldn't afford them anyway, seeing as how He didn't see fit to provide for the ones He has already given us. Through the torrent of tears angry words flowed and then quiet sobs. Husband sat, tears of his own flowing as he was left wondering so many of the same things, the responsibility he feels in providing for his family, his own loss of trust in a God who promises to protects and his heart filled with the helplessness of how to reach me and fix the seemingly ever present hurt.
I have wanted, longed for, the opportunity to do twins over again...the "right" way in my mind. My first twin pregnancy was tumultuous and filled with the fear that doctors instilled due to my "high risk" status, the fear that they would be entirely premature, then the fear after 36 wks that they were entirely "overdue", then fear that a promised natural birth would now be a mandated c-section due to the vertex/breech positions of the babies. Something we had very definitely covered at our first interview with him...the very specific position of vertex/breech...which many months ago he had been supposedly "fine" with. At 37 weeks I was pushed to schedule a c-section date, in which I refused. At 38 weeks with commuting husband absent I was told I must go straight to the hospital for a c-section since it was no longer safe to carry the babies past this point since they were now "severely" overdue. I again refused. My seven years of apprenticeship as a midwife and my months upon months of research of multiple pregnancy assured me the babies were not in any grave danger..and were, in fact, doing exceedingly well within their uterine environment. It was said, they were in danger of cord deterioration, placental abruption, amniotic fluid loss and complete uterine rupture due to size...all of which I knew to be entirely far from the truth based on my stats and the well being of them at each weekly ultrasound I had. As I refused at 38 weeks to be admitted on the spot I was then threatened with 2 counts of child endangerment and notified that he would be pressing charges and would see us in court as I jeopardized two entirely healthy babies. He refused to let me leave his office so I sat emotional and helpless and feeling totally alone as husband worked 250 miles away, unaware of everything taking place. I gathered myself back together, came up with a plan, quietly slipped to the receptionist's desks in which I was told that I could not leave his office and she couldn't allow me to proceed. I quickly told her I was on my way to the hospital to be admitted and I would see the good dr there. I hurriedly left and drove away as far from the hospital as I could get....calling Brad to let him know that the dr was pressing charges. I received a phone call a few hours later in which I let voicemail answer. It was the doctor saying he would see us in court, that my babies were going to die and he was terminating my care.
From 38 to 39 weeks of my first twin pregnancy I had no doctor. I spent an entire 40 hour week on the phone with different offices and being met with shock by the medical community saying I should have had the babies weeks ago and my doctor was right. My babies were in jeopardy. Eventually with the help of many midwives I was directed to Dr Cummings in Denton who heard about my story and took me in as his patient. Both babies were delivered completely naturally 4 days later after I went into labor on my own and labored only 4 short hours from first contraction to delivery of a breech Baby B.
Despite the happy ending I felt robbed in many ways since I never had a chance to enjoy their pregnancy. Every appointment was filled with fear as they developed a two pound weight discordance and then Baby B remained breech for the entire pregnancy and so forth. There was never peace. There was immense joy at the fact there were 2 but that was about the only joyful thing to be had out of the deal. Finally they arrived and commuting husband missed the first two entire years of their lives. We celebrated their second birthday two weeks after we finally moved and were reunited as a family. There's a lot he still regrets about those 2 years...so much he missed in everyone's life, still lots of wondering why we had to endure it all.
So, to me, to be able to have twins again is so much more. It's a chance to do it all over again in peace with a husband present....without the loss of his younger brother still so new and hurting so badly for him, without the loss of his job and no income for 36 weeks of a twin pregnancy and everything else that played so deeply into those years. This is so much more than just being blessed with twins again...with the miracle of two babies at one time, with astoundingly hitting double digits in the number of children we have. It's being so entirely blessed to be able to have the chance to do it over again, the ability to be together as a family during this time that so few people ever experience, the fact that we can be at total peace with where we are and our choices. It's the fact that we have been blessed with a midwife we love and trust and have the ability to do this at home....the dream that has seemed to be ever elusive...my longed for twin home water birth. The ability just to enjoy the pregnancy, babies and the miracle of 2 at one time yet again.
And there's so much healing because I know we are favored and we are some of the chosen ones despite how badly I have fallen and how badly I have messed life up. Many are called but few are chosen. It's an amazing thing to know how you have failed but yet you are continually blessed. The anger, the resentment in which those specific words were spoken concerning a twin pregnancy not even a full 2 months ago are now cause for falling to my knees in complete reverence and humbled gratitude for how much I speak but how little I truly know. How vast is my God. How great is He that I serve. How small I am compared to the vastness of Him and the greatness of His works. It's an amazing thing to live this life we live. My God is for me and it's an amazing thing. I see it in the life I live and in the life of my children. I see it in the fact that He trusts us with 10 children 12 and under. That I did not blow it and though I am so entirely unworthy He sees in me something He can work with. He sees in me David's heart and passion, the uninhibited passion of a heart that yearns so desperately for Him and to know intimately His heart. I see it in the fact that though I have said such nasty and hateful things and directed so much anger towards Him that He continues to bless us. That we do have twins...that I was so unknowingly pregnant with two babies at the very time the tears were falling and the angry words were flowing, that after a long dry period Brad has more work than He can manage for the next few months. And not only are our bills being caught back up but that we are able to again replenish the savings account we, at one point, had. I see it in the fact that He has sent a buyer for the business that would once again pay off all of our entire debt..both personal and business and we would once again be totally debt free in every way. And in the selling of the business He would provide vortexing husband with regular consistent work without carrying the burden and responsibility of a business. That He has provided a way for us to be completely debt free, for him to work from home only feet away from the backdoor and provide yet a consistent 2nd income without any debt eating it up.
And we are blessed. How quickly He can change things. How quickly He can take us from the valley of the shadow of death as we have walked through over this past year into the shade of His presence where we commune and dine together. How He has walked with us through the fire even when we felt so far from Him. We are a living testimony of His grace. I am more aware of that than I have ever in my lifetime been. I know there is so much more to our story than what we have read or what I have written. And there is so much more to our life than we ever imagined. We serve a great and mighty God and though we walk through the fire we will be preserved. And we will be refined throughout it all so that His image may be reflected through us.
I still don't exactly understand a lot of what we have walked through. Knowing statistics well many times I have prayed that I would not have to endure a miscarriage to ever have twins again..knowing a large percent are conceived after a late loss. But yet I did. We lost a baby but miraculously conceived twins after the fact. Many people do conceive twins after a loss but even more do not. So, even among that we are blessed to be amond those that have. I really don't understand, even now, all that took place last summer and why there was no protection. I just don't understand any of it other han to further our walk and take it to depths we would never in our lifetime have known. But I do know despite it all that we are blessed.
I am grateful. I am humbled. I stand embarrassed by my anger and lack of faith...by my impatience with all of life. How much I love life and how deeply I grieve for those that do not see the bigger picture and the deeper meaning of it all. For those that stay dissatisfied with all of life and remain focused on self....the trivial meaningless nothingness that steals their focus and directs it away from the Lord. How they choose to sit and be caught up with the daily mundane things that do not matter in the end. How much more there is. There is a heavy price to pay for passion and abandonment to the Lord but how much sweeter of reward than to obtain the favor of God upon you? I am not forsaken or abandoned. I live with the favor of an almighty God bestowed upon me...despite my failure. How can I gripe...how can I fear...how can I be anything less than grateful for what all I have been given? How could I choose not to see the grace and mercy He has extended to me....how could I be anything less than overwhelmed by gratefulness for what He has done? I stand in awe of His amazing grace.
And so it is that the reality of two babies becomes a little more real as I embrace the gift that they are to us in every way.
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