Let the Pregnancy Begin!

Today's morning test...this would be the day I would've noticed something was up. I bought an Early Response test that said I could've technically tested as early as Wed but, like I said, I cheated just to see what would happen and I got my very early response on Monday, which I now know is somewhat rare! But just for the fun of it, since I had one left, here is today's test confirming everything we already knew on Monday. But it's still way too much fun to see.




So.......here I am. Really kind of not believing I am once again pregnant but absolutely ecstatic. More so than I have ever been with a pregnancy for whatever reason. Maybe there is just a freedom to embrace what we have always felt so inhibited to share, having known so many others' opinions concerning what we were "getting our selves into". Brad and I are so absolutely excited that it is unreal. And it is even more fun that each time we have more and more children getting excited with us. This is the first pregnancy Garrison and Grant have really truly understood what it all means and they are gleefully happy. Each morning they get up and pat my stomach and tell the baby good morning and each night they kiss it good night and tell baby good night. Of course, girls are rooting for girls and boys are rooting for boys. In all honesty I am kind of hoping it's another boy. I love watching the relationship between the 4 younger boys. I think I cherish even more knowing what they have that Grayson does not. Grayson envies them in a way but we just always talk about how incredible it will be when they are 8, 9 and 10 yrs old and Grayson is 16. With how much they already adore him we have talked and talked about how he can participate in their Boy Scouting days and lead them through, having already done it himself, and what a treasure that is. We talk of the treasure they have in him to be able to look up to something they so admire and what a gift it is for him to have their little hearts that so implicitly trust him.



I have taken a little bit of time to visit some pregnancy boards and having found out so very incredibly early this time I am just amazed at all of the moms still waiting, longing to get a positive test result. I scrolled through hundreds and hundreds of posts about waiting and searching for any tiny sign they might be pregnant and then those many moms coming back to say they did not get one this month. The disappointment and heartache of these women is overwhelming. And again I am absolutely brought to my knees at the blessings we have been given and how we have never struggled or known what it is to long so desperately for a baby and continually be faced with months and months of being disappointed. I have cried the last few days at the way our family has been blessed. AS they ran at the park earlier today I just sat and soaked in the sight of them all. Evye was helping Garrett up the slide...that he had just fallen off of.....Garrison and Grant were calling to each other and comparing monkey bars, Aubrey in all of her Aubrey-ness was going down the slide backwards in a sundress with socks pulled up to her knees and white glittery church shoes on while she bared her underwear to the world as she slid, Grayson was doing every obnoxious thing he could find as he and Julian, one of his closest friends, tried to outdo each other and life was good. They ran and laughed and sparkled in the sun...like jewels the Lord had poured forth onto our lives. It is something never to be taken for granted. And each new baby just adds that much more depth and more growth in every way for our little family. Why? Why has He blessed us so much when so many other's struggle? In some aspects it is hard not to feel guilty but then I realize that when so many others try and cannot and then so many can and do not want it we are the rare breed that not only can but will. We will accept these many many blessings God pours forth into our lives. Instead of growing fearful of the unknown we choose to trust Him for our every need and continue on in total abandonment to Him as we embrace these miraculous gifts. It never gets old. The euphoric feeling of the line showing up, the butterflies, the excitement, the anticipation and then watching these children grow once they arrive. seeing what exactly God has fashioned to further His kingdom from 2 mere mortal people willing to turn this area of our lives over to Him. There is something that so far outweighs joy that comes from each new baby. It is something that can never be fully accurately conveyed in any way until you are there yourself.



In these thoughts I have also seen many many families with the quiver full mentality that have gone on to have 6 or 7 children and then have unexplained years of being unable to conceive another with some of them never having anymore at all. I think as I age and I realize we now have what the world considers to be a large family I am always somewhat cautious that the Lord will step in and say that we are to move on to the next phase of life and that our childbearing years have ended for whatever reason. It sheds a whole new light on embracing each and every one because there is a sense of never fully knowing just what lay ahead and which one will be our last. There is a woman in Wal Mart that LOVES our family. Everytime we go in she makes a point to lead us to her line so that she can check us out and every time she dotes on each of the children and tells of how she only has her 3 that are each 5 yrs apart. She never used anything to inhibit conception and she never had anymore children. She tells of how she longs for a large family and what she would give to have as many as we do. And again I am just taken with how blessed we are. There are those that cannot for whatever reason and whatever different calling the Lord has placed on those special lives. And there are those that choose not to. But instead of choosing to limit the number to what fits our life and budget we have experienced things most people will never know. What joy we would've never known. I am brought to my knees at His mercy and grace as He saved us from ourselves. I absolutely cannot imagine having missed out on this in life.



And, you know....even a few short months ago when Gavin was only 4 and 5 months old the thought of being pregnant again in only a few short months was really kind of depressing. I had just gotten back into my skinny jeans and it felt good. It felt good to be noticed. But I am amazed at the work God always does in my heart when I am completely and totally submitted to His will. Because when the time came for that little line to appear my heart beat a little faster and I found myself longing to see that tiny little line pop up. The seemingly infinite seconds were in reality only a few short 10 seconds before my heart jumped and I was longing to call Brad. I am overwhelmed by God's mercy on us. And even when I again shrug back into my old former self of selfishness and vanity He is there to gently coax my heart back into focus and remind me what my purpose is and what He has so entirely blessed us with.



I find myself consumed by this pregnancy and the excitement everyone feels. For the 1st time I think Mother has fully embraced it with us and laid the fear down of me being continually overwhelmed by the needs of so many. I think she has seen that I am capable and that the children are not turning out to be ill behaved little street urchins. It makes it that much more fun when someone you love so much can actually truly be excited for us too. It's just contagious.



There are no words to express what my heart feels. The are no words to convey what the joy within longs to say.



So....on a more practical note.....typical of every pregnancy, the signs and symptoms have definitely set in. At first I dismissed it and figured it was all mental since they magically appeared only 2 days after I found out and I wasn't even supposed to find out until the end of this week. But I have decided it's definitely NOT mental. I see the bathroom more than I ever have in my entire lifetime...more than with any other pregnancy....that would be age, number of previous pregnancies and current pregnancy combined at this point I suppose.....and I have a voracious appetite...though when I eat I get about 4 mouthfuls down before I am sickened by it. Go figure. And the strangest things turn my stomach from being great into instant puke mode. The sour milk jar, Aubrey's corn dog breath, the mildewed towel all sent me over the edge. Everything is hypersensitive....smell, touch, sight, everything. The children all stood around me today and I just got claustrophobic and had to entirely clear the room. Weird,I know. But then again...I think that many kids would make anybody claustrophobic. And my poor stomach.....well, lets not go there. I refuse to post belly pics at 15 days pregnant. But it's there to see. I told Brad I think my body just senses the HCG hormone and my stomach just pukes itself forward already knowing the space that will be required of it to put forth in only a few short months. But yes, the pregnancy has begun.



Due to the fact that we are waiting to see where we are to be next and what exactly God has in store for us we are currently in waiting mode. So, instead of instantly getting back on insurance and having to go through the whole out of network pain in the butt we're just going to bide our time. So, finding out the gender of this little person may be awhile in coming. I was all ready to wait it out and make this our 1st surprise baby since our attempt at that with Gavin failed miserably but Brad is adamant that it's still a surprise no matter when we find out. It's either a surprise in the summer sometime or a surprise in Nov. He's got a point. So it is that I will more than likely have a sonogram...but as to its date or what gestational week it may occur.......we have no clue!