Inevitable and Endless Change

August..........

just the sheer thought of the word brings to mind visions of warm lazy summer days as they fade into fall, gigantic white puffy clouds floating carelessly in a pale blue sky, preparation for a new school year as the excitement mounts, tons of birthdays, the last month of the year to truly enjoy summer cookouts and glowing green grass and trees. The end of a season is always full of thought, reevaluation and a sort of pensiveness....maybe more so right now due to having just had a baby. It's just a reminder of change itself. It's not that I am so opposed to it but that I have learned to accept the fact that it is inevitable and I have learned to embrace it rather than fight it. I guess for our little family change seems to always be so extreme and there is a comfort in staying within the comfort of where we are.

With this August comes the decision for Brad to test for Fort Worth in January. I cannot imagine ever leaving here.......our dream home in the hills, the dirt streets of our tiny little west TX town, our perfectly suited, homey little home, our green acres that the children roam and discover life, the deer, the rivers, the hills, the creek, the lake.........the overall beauty of life. I think I am more attached here due to what it took to get us here. 4 yrs of sheer torture and feeling so utterly abandoned by God. Both of us trying to survive and pull through the sudden death of Ben, Brad being fired for reasons that we were quite sure would never be understood, an entire year of unemployment with 3 very young children and twins on the way, and then finally a job but 300 miles away and no where and no money to move the rest of the family. So, we continued on in an all too faltering faith and not so secure trust that God would oneday show us His purpose in all of this. We trudged on in a sometimes angry hope that oneday we could once more resume a married family life living together again. For 2 yrs we struggled day in and day out trying to comprehend and understand why and where the Lord was trying to direct us. Finally after so many many months of tears and a hope, trust and faith that eventually turned into anger and despair and then trying so hard to re establish our relationship with the Lord it fell into our laps like a long awaited gift that was so long in coming. A dream home in a tiny town and the money to get there. There is not a day that goes by that I do not fall more in love with our little home. There's not a day that goes by that I ever take for granted what we have been blessed with. I drive up and I am so thankful for our little gray house with black shutters and the huge playroom and attic, the goats that loudly greet us, the donkey that eagerly awaits and announces our homecoming. I love even the bushes that surround and frame the huge picture windows. I love it here and I can't ever really imagine leaving what was so long in coming.

On the other side of that is that we both know and trust, more so now than ever, that the Lord will not let us down. We both know we have no desire to ever go back to city life and the goats and Fletch are now just a part of the family that will go with us. We both are in agreement and we know that we want to live out and would ever only go as far in as Mineral wells or Weatherford. It is still just as breathtakingly pretty there too. But, in my heart there is still some trepidation and an all too familiar sadness when I think of leaving here. This is the 1st place we have ever established ourself as a family, away from any friends and family. People know us for who we are and not who are family was. There is a peace here. But Brad knows that in order to give the boys a heritage and legacy to follow San Angelo's dept is far from optimal. And his salary will never be here what he has the potential to earn in the bigger cities. The Lord has always been so faithful to provide, even in the months when the bank account has sat completely empty. We both know and trust that we have left our hearts open to Him for these children and they are all only on loan from Him. He will provide for what He has so extravagantly given to us....and He always has. But, on the other hand testing for FW is a sensible decision that both of us feel led to pursue. We have both agreed that we will knock and if it is truly supposed to be that it will indeed happen and, if not, we are completely and totally content where we are. We have seen far too much and learned way too much to know that we will end up in the wrong place or that we would get there in the wrong time. If this truly is a path we are to walk in our ever changing journey than we will run with arms wide open in anticipation of what new things the Lord is going to show us. Sometimes I wonder where my passion for adventure went, the wild person in my spirit that thrived on change and the unexpected, the sojourner that lived within me. Have I really mellowed that much over the years? I would hope not.

I do have a growing excitement for what may lay ahead but instead of being so entirely carefree there is a deep sadness that now accompanies the huge range of emotions. It would truly take an act of God for him to not only pass the test but to get hired. But, spoken from experience, I know God is into doing some strange and unexpected things in our lives. There is on average 2,500 guys that test annually for FW so to rank in the top 100 and then to get hired on top of it all is quite the feat that only the Lord alone could orchestrate.

And along the lines of change....it is so hard to comprehend sometimes that Evye will be 7 this month. It's hard to believe that we have 7 children in general and that she is that old. Somedays it seems that I should still be listening to her 3 r old voice and washing her 3 yr old body. There is a short time in life while pregnant that time stands still, the baby is growing but time has not begun to race away just yet. And then once here the clock begins to tick and just gets faster and faster....gaining momentum as the years fly by. I vainly attempt to keep up with it but I unfailingly look up only to see 1/2 grown children. Where does it all go????