Afflictions Eclipsed by Glory

My eclipses of glory....the threads of which my days are woven.

November - Sweet Month of Gratitude

Cold north wind blows, chickens huddled close together for warmth, dark brooding skies heavy with cold, slow soaking rain, children rowdy and giggly with excitement over cooler days and cold moonlit nights buried under mounds of covers, holiday smells of pumpkin and spice wafting through the house, steaming cup of morning coffee with pumpkin creamer as eyes are forced to open, brain desperately seeking some form of awakening before being required to make any decisions. I stare out the kitchen window watching tree bow gracefully in cold morning winds. Daybreak's pink and purple morning hues seep gently over my world, so closely resembling the watercolored pages that pepper refrigerator door, now standing illuminated by dawn's soft light. I take in this quiet, this peaceful world of mine and I once again am overwhelmed with gratitude of this life I live......hardships, trials, and all......for would I not be who I am if it were not for these things encountered along this journey of our's? Complete violation of self, of little girl, of family, loss of life, temporary loss of life's vision, total and complete loss of self in the midst of it all......but is this also not part of it all...losing myself to discover who I really am in Christ and what exactly I am made of....who it is He wants me to become in Him? What would this life be...who would I be....if I were never required to push past my comfort zone, entrapped within my own boxed thinking, to dig deeper and become who I have not yet become? What would it be to stay exactly where I am for the rest of my life....or to have stayed exactly who I was before this past summer unfolded? What a tragedy to become stagnant and to never be required to move forward. Would it not be so much more detrimental to never suffer pain and never experience loss in life? I want to be that person that is continually moving forward...that digs deeper, that reaches farther, that is always being transformed.



As sun emerges into full daybreak little feet patter on cold barren floor and I feel short, little arms wrap around my leg. I look down into the blue eyes of a sleepy headed 2 year old. Sweet tiny girl of mine begins to call to me from wooden crib and I am brought back to reality. For the first time in what seems like ages I can actually envision moving forward....not without heartache but with a renewed passion to experience the fullness of life. A renewed passion to love my husband with all of my heart and appreciate everything about him that God has so blessed me with...his intense love and adoration for me, his desire to make sure that I am fulfilled in every area of my life, the fact that he can make me laugh no matter how bad life seems, that in him I have found the love of my life and my very best friend, to intimately know and experience absolutely everything about him with which I still fall so completely in love with each and every day. A renewed passion to embrace my children, these sweet pieces of my heart that grow so fast. So, I stand staring at them as they play, counting my many blessings. A pang of sadness sweeps my heart as I watch our baby now toddle to me, uncertainty filling the crevices of where profound assuredness used to lie as I took for granted that we would be watching many more children master this milestone in life. But as this month of thanks comes pouring down upon us I work on turning my thoughts from sheer pessimism, disappointment, depression and self degradation to moments wrapped in gratitude. I am thankful. We did not wake up to find our little girl missing from our home or lifeless in her bed. We have her here with us, still running, still breathing, still laughing and living life to its fullest extent. If we never have another baby I am thankful. I am thankful for the 8 we do have. I am thankful that we never knew the pain of not ever being able to have children in our lives. And if this season in our lives of no longer bearing children is permanent I am thankful for the new, unpregnant shape of my body. I have been so blessed with a husband that sees me as beautiful no matter my pregnant or unpregnant state...who thinks the softly rounded curves of pregnancy are as sexy as the soft feminine curves that exist afterwards. But if we never go on to have another baby I am thankful that I am dropping weight and can still be as entirely appealing and sexy to my husband as the day I was when we were married....that I can look good and fit back into my good ole' pair of jeans for him. I am thankful that I can run and have every faith that I will indeed succeed in a 5K. I am thankful I'm not pregnant while I train for it....despite my longings for another baby. I am thankful for 8 beautiful, passionately loving, content, happy, well behaved children. I am thankful for my mother who has become one of my biggest fans and my closest friend who understands me even in the darkest moments of life. I am thankful for 2 huge stupid dogs, 35 pooping chickens, 52 mail ordered chicks, 3 acres of paradise in a tiny hole in west Texas, a little 3 bedroom, 1900 sq ft house that adequately accommodates 10 people. I am thankful for a brother who despite being 3 states away is still only a phone call away and as close as the days when we spent every waking moment together, staying up watching Jay Leno eating Tuna Helper and Otis Spunkmeyers.

- for a dad that continues to support us through it all, checks up on us and would be there for anything we would ever need him for

- for in laws that despite all that has taken place over the last 4 months continue to love us unconditionally and keep our children with no questions asked of us or them, that have shown more patience with us than I could have ever imagined

- for a friend that sticks closer than a brother, that has listened through the anger and the tears, the resentment and the self pity, that has been there from the beginning who continues to love me for everything that I am

- for people that have come together to pray and hold us up when we couldn't even think of standing. For the cards, the letters, the gifts and the flowers...the physical, touchable, seeable gestures of how loved we are.

- for the little things like a huge washer and dryer that can wash puked on bed comforters and blankets. I cannot even begin to imagine what life was like in the 1800's when everything was handwashed and stomach viruses went around.

- for a van that will take all of us together as a family anywhere we desire to go

I am thankful for being loved. I am thankful for my life.

The list could go on as I jot down my list of 1,000 thanks on a flimsy piece of folded up paper tucked within my pocket. I set a personal goal of writing down at least 1,000 things I am thankful for in this 30 days of celebrating autumn and true thanks giving. This year it takes a very purposeful shift of focus to find the treasures but as I shift my focus from victim to chosen one I find how much deeper my understanding is of all that I have been given and how much more thankful I am for all of life.....more so than I have ever been in my entire lifetime.

Piercing blue eyes gaze into mine as a drunken look of love overcomes him, "Mama, you're so pretty". My heart melts and I smile, "I love you, buddy." A few more seconds of unbroken eye contact before he skips away lightheartedly. A chorus of little voices float on the air as they sing in unison, "Oh how He loves us." And I am thankful for all of life....for who I am, for all I will become, for all that God has given me.

Hiking Guadalupe

The Guadalupe Crew minus Jerry who's taking the pic

As mentioned in the previous post Brad and Grayson went camping with friends this past week in the Guadalupe Mountains. They went for the sheer purpose of just hanging out with dear friends......hiking the mountain was just an added benefit as far as they were concerned. Once the hike was completed though I think they are both a bit hooked on the love of hiking. Their merry little group managed to climb the tallest summit in the entire state of Texas, Guadalupe Peak, which reaches an impressive 8,749 ft into the heavens.....quite a feat. I know from Grayson's excited, entirely animated stories of the trip that their time there was entirely worthwhile and filled with many rounds of laughter that were shared between all. Though Brad and I get many one on one opportunities with each of the children there is still nothing quite like a road trip with just one of them to really bond and talk for awhile.....from the surface to the deep, the mundane to the interesting....just to listen to them and for a moment in time to be completely captivated by who they are as a person and for them to be completely captivated by who you are as their parent.

My 2 big men....the other 4 are still pretty little at the current moment.

I threatened that I'd be going with them next year but I can't really see sleeping on a cold hard ground in temps that register 30 below in a flimsy little tent. I can definitely do the hike...I actually climbed a mountain in Slovakia back in my mission days....but the whole camping out thing.....just not so appealing. I am desperately in love with modern day amenities and really see no need to rid myself of them. I really adored the little trailer that Brad lived in for the 2 years that he commuted. I had quite the time of my life traveling in it with him the few times we did. It was a bit like a glorified tent with running water, a kitchen, bed, toilet and a shower...granted, if you went to wash anything other than your stomach some part of your body was inevitably protruding out into the cold air beyond the shower curtain. And washing your butt was quite the challenge since it air dried quicker than you could scrub it down and get it back into the confines of the shower where running water existed. But we made some fun memories in it and it was definitely the way to camp out....or I suppose just camp since there really was no "out" to the camping out part due to the fact we were tucked warmly and safely "within"....away from skunks, raccoons, bears, beavers, armadillos, possums, bats, alligators and any other rabid animals that come to steal any and all food that may be available at your cozy little campsite.

So here are the pics they returned home with eagerly awaiting to show those of us who did not make the trip.

Getting there is always half the fun

One of the drop offs...so nice to know that they weren't tied on to anything.

Handsome boy....the natural outdoorsman who hates being confined within 4 walls

On the way to the top

Kenny and Jerry risking life and limb to pose for a picture

Hiking next to the cliff that I am quite sure extends all the way to the ground and maybe further.

Grayson and Trey...a pretty good duo. And here's a quick then and now moment...with this being the "now".

And this being the "then". This pic has absolutely nothing to do with this mountain trip......other than it just being the same 2 kids that date back 4 1/2 years. I always think it's amazing to see the transformation of children over the years. Grayson and Trey in June of '05.

Reaching the top and reading about it...or worshipping it....or maybe thanking the Lord they finally reached it.

I am quite certain this is by far the most meaningful picture they took on the whole trip. This would be some random dude who happened to have successfully climbed to the peak too....whom they had never met, never intended to meet and left never knowing or speaking to...yet we have a picture of him forever in our files of the Guadalupe mountain trip.

The amazing curve of the earth...pretty impressive. It's not flat.

Though I didn't go the pictures they returned home with are pretty impressive and stir within me a deep longing to conquer something so much bigger than I am. And I suppose that same stirring within me is what insanely compelled me to run a 5K....just to do something outside of normal. These pictures do not not exactly reveal the romance and beauty of the Rockies or anything even remotely close to it but it still pulls at my heart and beckons the inner part of me to go and do and just be....to live and experience absolutely everything there is to life.

El Capitan.....the other peak which Kenny and Jerry managed to climb while there.

Protected

Bumps and bruises. This one is actually the size of a golf ball....I compared! Heads and concrete do not mix.

Discovering a new hide out

The cutest little Superman ever

More brotherly love

Making it to the top.

Surely we are indeed loved and protected. Plans had been to go work in the flowerbed that day and trim up entirely overgrown bushes that had seemed to take off in the late season rains. With Brad having been up all night on shift he came home and went to bed that morning but the children and I carried on undeterred. With an aboslutely beautiful day before us we all quickly reached the conclusion that it was way too pretty to ever be inside. Armed with several sets of pruners and an axe we all went to work. The little ones were given scissors and happpily cut leaves and small twigs up in their efforts to help us in our efforts. I spent the first little while cutting the new growth at the base of one of our ornammental trees and quickly came to realize this was something that was entirely time consuming and a perfect job for Evye since it was just the right heigth and diameter of branches. Since nights have grown cold and the days are rather cool I can honesly say that the thought of snakes never really even crossed my mind. We are forever cautious throughout hot summer days and warm summer nights but usually by the time the weather gets this cool they are gone for the season.....or moving towards home. So it was that Evye and I had our bare hands buried deeply within all of the thick overgrowth at the base of the tree in our flowerbed that sits right against the wall of the house. It's not exactly like we were out cutting down brush in the pastures. I did this for an hour or so and then Evye took over on her own and steadily cut away at it for another hour or so. By noon Brad was awake and out there inspecting what we had amazingly accomplished. With the undergrowth still needing a better cut he grabbed his chainsaw and went at it. I suppose the vibration and noise was enough to wake the menacing threat. Grayson yelled above the hum of the saw, "SNAKE!" Brad continued on in deafness and then Grayson yelled with more urgency, "Daddy! RATTLEsnake!" And so it was that this guy fell out of the tree that Evye and I had been steadily cutting away at with bare hands. The same tree that Grayson had actually climbed to reach higher branches. Brad confirmed as Grayson and Evye whisked small children away from the flowerbed. Apparently snake season isn't over yet.

This was taken shortly after he fell out of the tree.

After the deheading

Taking turns getting yet another snake lesson...what to look, to never touch, and to run and get Daddy, mom or Grayson immediately. And that would be the children's window he was residing directly on the other side of. Lovely, huh?

Six 6 and Under

This desperately needs to be updated but I am not exactly feeling it right now. So, if this ends up sounding a little forced.....it's cause it is. At the moment it is midnight on some random Thursday night of my life while Evye is in Fort Worth with Mother and Grayson and Brad are camping in the Guadalupe Mountains with some dearly missed friends. Although I can't really say I'm alone, I figure it's close enough. I always hate it when Brad's gone. That is only magnified by leaps and bounds when both Grayson and Evye are missing too. I figured I would probably enjoy this time and use it to get some much needed stuff done but instead I found myself wandering around aimlessly being even less productive than normal. Having failed to think through it very well I looked up this morning and was left with 6 children 6 and under. Carrying out our daily tasks brought back so many memories. Long ago days of Brad's commuting years and being home alone with 5 children 6 and under suddenly didn't seem so very long ago. But since those days we have added a menagerie to care for along with the mundane daily responsibilities. I had plenty of helpers to drop eggs as we collected the daily dozens that are now being laid, spill cat food as they refilled empty bowls, spill the entire contents of the dog food sack as they attempted to lovingly refill the food can, string out clean clothes across dried muddy floors as they whisked clean clothes from dryer to basket spots. I am quite certain I spent more of my day cleaning up helpers' messes than I did actually getting anything done. And that doesn't even include the poured out cat food and water that little 11 month olds go around dumping out and eating. Even with all of my rowdy little helpers running wildly around I'm still always painfully aware of Brad's absence. You'd think after being married over 10 years to a firefighter that has never worked anything less than 24 hour shifts that I would be used to the night's spent alone. I suppose I do to some extent but there is never really a time that I do not want him home in bed with me. No matter how many years we do this I don't think I will ever come to love the many nights spent alone. The good thing about tons of kids though....there's always a bed buddy waiting eagerly to fill his spot and keep it warm until he gets home in the morning. But I just miss him.


Despite my unproductive state I was a bit taken back by how far we have come in only a few years and how swiftly children grow.....how painfully fast they go from being little helpers running eagerly behind in my shadow.....toys and messes strewn in their path........to being able to completely carry out responsibilities without ever having to be told....and without the many messes in their wake. Bittersweet aching of the heart began as I realized how fast our lives have grown and changed in so many ways.

With restlessness pervading within my own self I loaded everybody up and took off for town. I figured some fun food, good coffee and a new good movie for all of us would lift my spirit and take the boredom out of the day........yes, I did say boredom. Aubrey quickly became my new right hand man as we gathered shoes, dressed little ones and attempted to make sure that everyone left the house with shoes on and was at least partially dressed. While she loaded everybody I fed animals. And I think it is safe to say that I was pleasantly surprised by the interesting topics of conversation that came up in the 32 miles between home and town and the 32 miles spent returning back home. When an 11 and 9 year old are taken out of the picture and center stage is left to a 6 year old, two 5 year olds and a 3 year old it is quite the entertaining experience.

We ventured into Wal Mart to run down our quick list. Somewhere I'm thinking we must have redeemed ourselves in the world's eyes and gained some respect when we began having older children instead of a ton of little ones at our heels. The disdain and complete disgust that was so apparent tonight as my young little crew made their way through the store was appalling and really pretty sad. I think we are at a point in life where we will forevermore get the comments and stares but I had almost completely forgotten what it is to be such an outcast in society. Being a young mother with so many little ones and no sign of any form of help is apparently a sin to most. It's a very lonely feeling to be looked upon as such an outcast, even if only for a few seconds of time in the overall span of life. People look at you like you have done the world a complete disservice by procreating. We actually had people that would not even make eye contact with our merry little crew and then we actually had 2 horrific women that sighed in disgust and physically moved one of the children out of their way so they could get on the isle before we could get there. Maybe if they were running like little turds up and down the isles screaming or fighting with each other just being annoying in general I could've understood it...but not well behaved children that actually smiled politely and said hi directly to the people crossing their paths. I don't know. I think it's just painfully sad to me now as I deeply long for another baby and I watch the world filled with such total disgust for human life and the innocence of bright eyed children filled with awe and joy of all of life. How can you look at that and grunt with disdain or sigh in total impatience as they disregard the beauty of something that is still so unmarred by life....that is still so carefree and so unburdened? How can one just walk by that in disgust?

All of that to say, we greatly peeved the majority of all Thursday night shoppers at Wal Mart on this chilly autumn evening. The children, totally oblivious to this fact, talked excitedly about the pizza, cookies, movie and hot chocolate that were to be made as soon as we returned home.

On a completely different note, we spent last weekend at the fair. Aubrey, Garrett and Gavin spent the weekend at Brad's parents while I took Grayson, Evye, Garrison and Grant with me to Fort Worth. Brad opted out of it since he is such a great lover of the fair and stayed with sweet Ivye-girl here at home. We had made plans to surprise Mother on her birthday by showing up at church but this all fell together rather quickly and was much more fun than a mere day at church. So, we just turned it into a 4 day birthday celebration. Being that I am still so emotionally volatile and when unleashed my emotions rival an atomic bomb going off I have found that everything has some sort of emotion attached to it. Everything in life right now is bittersweet in some form or fashion. I have done better at managing and coping but it's like somewhere in this I lost the ability to balance any of my emotions. I cry over bread that doesn't rise...and well, do my fair share of cussing it out while I'm at it, cry over puking kids and cleaning it up and mopping floors for the 5th day in a row....but then who doesn't cry over that?????, cry over our amazingly beautiful 11 year old boy as he stands in front of Big Tex and I think back to the day he was only 22 months old standing in that very spot, cry over 5 year old boys discovering all of life as they see it all for the first time. Tears are so easily freed as a dark eyed baby leans in to press long hard kisses as she cooes her sweet love songs to me. Tears so easily shed as I gaze at the round, clean cut, little 2 year old head as he falls asleep nestled into the curve of my body as we snuggle up for a movie. I dance and twirl around the kitchen passionately in love with my pink hairbowed baby, 2 year old gleefully jumping straight up and down at my feet turning in dizzying circles, 3 year old laughing gleefully doing antics that would surely earn him physical agility of the year award. Everybody else dances and and laughs around me as they sing along. I know that this moment in time is so fleeting, so brief. Will I remember it? Will I remember this very moment...his boyish 11 year old smile, shining handsome green eyes, the fluid graceful movements of her innocence, the absolute carefree glee over all of life in her total abandonment of self as she laughs and dances, the humor that dances in his green eyes, the bright red that is transformed into total orange as the sun catches his hair, bright blue eyes that laugh as loud as he does, the huge teethy grin as eyes dance and he tries to coordinate movements amidst laughter??? Will I remember this day, this moment? Or will it just blur and become part of the scenery of life...the many threads that make up the tapestry of my life, blended into the bigger picture?

With emotions still a bit volatile the fun of the fair and the departure from Fort Worth were indeed bittersweet. Leaving Fort Worth to return to our little tiny bit of heaven is always kind of hard since we leave those whom we love most some 200 miles behind. Evye ended up being able to unexpectedly stay so she spent the week with Mother before returning home tomorrow. Mother will spend the weekend here as we have a girls party.....with 4 little boys to liven it up no doubt....before Brad and Grayson return home late Saturday. Mother will return home Monday and the normalcy of life will return.

As I continue to walk down this emotional roller coaster of a road I have found that this is a much farther hike than I ever anticipated. There is no magic cure....no magic pill that can be taken that makes all of life good again. Life as we know it has forever been altered. There is still lots and lots of sadness. There are days that are really good and then there are still those days that I wake up and know that every minute is going to be a struggle. There is an ache to adopt more now than ever, a longing to be pregnant again, a desperate need to be completely and totally at peace with all that has tanspired over the last little while. It certainly didn't help my cause out when I went to research my options for hurrying this miscarriage up and I stumbled across a website that had every awful, real life outcome that could be gathered in one place. Story after story of women who had chosen to miscarry naturally that had miscarriages that lasted an entire year and then gone on to have hormone induced infertility issues. These were women that had 2, 3 and 4 children that now had unexplained infertility. Most were finally diagnosed by dr's with hormone induced infertility after 6 months to 3 years of being unable to become pregnant. I finally realized that this process is so much more than grieving the loss of our tiny baby but of coming to accept that we really REALLY gave this area of our lives up to the Lord and He is the one that controls it in every way. This has been a painful reminder that we are not guaranteed anything in life and to assume anything is just presumptuous on my part. So each day I work on claiming His word that children are a blessing and we will indeed be blessed with more but knowing that if His will for our life differs from this that I must accept it and continue on...happily. That is a very very hard thing to do for me because I absolutely love children and I love what I do. So, in all of these emotions, those are a few of the many elements I battle to overcome mentally. Though I delight in the plans God has laid out for our lives the fear of the unknown is something I must daily overcome and find myself giving back over to the Lord millions of times throughout my days. So, here we are still walking out our salvation in much fear and trembling....seeking to fully understand the height and depth of it all. I miss our baby. I miss being pregnant. I miss being able to feel normal. I miss being able to just let go with Brad....cause right now when I let go I leave a wake of devastation in my path. I just want everything to be normal again. I think Brad has hit total exasperation with me. I've hit total exasperation with myself. So I continue to work on accepting the fact that none of this was my fault and just living in acceptance to what all just is. Forgiveness of self.....it's a powerful thing. Acceptance of life as it is now....it is mandatory to move forward.

"I realize just how beautiful you are
and how great your affections are for me....
My heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about....

how you love me."

I'm Gonna Go Running

Literally. I have come to realize that I desperately need something on which to focus. Something on which to focus other than the fact that everyone who announced their pregnancy the same time I did is still pregnant and finding out the genders of their babies right now. So, since I am feeling like quite the cow and I have become quite fearful that I may moo instead of speak at any given moment I have come to a realization. This focus needs to be something that takes a vast amount of energy and will use up all brain power so that my emotions will hopefully be kept under much better control throughout my day. Since I have been rendered infertile for an unknown amount of time I realized I have the ability to pull out dusty, long ago shelved, lofty aspirations of the "someday" files....more specifically, the "someday when I am no longer pregnant" file.

More lake pictures. Evye was a bit envious of Aubrey's funloving boredom induced self portait with me so she asked to do the same. Nothing like trying to do it yourself and cutting off the top of your head everytime you do it.

Putting all of these factors together and assessing them.....I feel like Bessie the cow, I look like Bessie the cow, I am not pregnant, I will probably not be pregnant for awhile, I desperately need something to refocus on and then thinking through the "unpregnant file".....I realized I am now the perfect candidate and at a perfect place in life to run a race.....quite literally, as in....physically. run. a. race. Wanting to be realistic about it I spent the last few days researching and decided I will shoot for a 5k....not an absurdly hard thing to do. It's a MERE 3 miles....despite the fact that my body seems to think it is 10 right now. Having started to run only 3 wks after Ivye's birth I learned that it provides an insane adrenaline rush along with a huge dump of "feel good" endorphins....which I am still needing most days. After talking it over with Brad, Grayson and Evye to see if they were interested in doing it with me I contacted the running assoc in town. I asked if Grayson and Evye were too young to participate with me in which their response was that they have many families that run together. Since it will be my first race and I am new to running....translated into "you're gonna be a slow runner".....they said Evye would do well and probably really enjoy it. So, we joined as a family and I am set to run a 5k in early March. In my researching I ordered a book that the assc recommended and also found one on pregnancy and running...in the event that the Lord once again opens up my womb sometime between now and March. I have every intention of continuing on with my commitment even if another "Baby B" is taking shape within. But I have been told that this miscarriage may take up to an entire year and due to the fact my body shows no sign of nearing the end of it anytime soon I have concluded that I am quite far away from ever being pregnant again. I have managed to drop 15 pds throughout this whole ordeal and since I didn't gain any weight during the short pregnancy I had I figure I'm off to a good start since that is 15 less pds to jiggle around while I pound out the miles on our dirt roads. Actually, I'll probably take to the highway during my 8 wks of training for it just to avoid the dirt. Grayson and Evye have already been outfitted with running shoes and I am quite convinced that if the race were tomorrow they'd finish it effortlessly without ever gasping for air. I, on the other hand, am a different story. Due to rivaling Bessie and the fact I need a cattle scale to be weighed I can barely run 1/2 a mile right now. And I am once again back in the boat of fearing spontaneous combustion due to rubbage of the thighs. So, over the course of the next 8 weeks I will stretch myself and probably max out every fiber in my being as I eventually accomplish 3 straight miles of nonstop running while hoping my thighs...or the rest of my body.....does not go up in flames in the process. I may be the last one across the finish line but I fully intend to cross it. I am fiercely determined, fearless and ready for a new challenge. Given the fact I am embarrassingly passionate about every area of my life I figure I should fare pretty well.

More lake pictures thanks to Grayson. I refuse to take any full body pictures since it currently looks like I got stung by a bee. Maybe by the end of this endeavor it might be a different story.

But, I have also seriously had to go into this accepting the fact that I may not lose one pound in the deal. Seeing as how my body has seemed to have had a complete brain fart and does not know whether it is pregnant, not pregnant, being starved, being overfed or anything else I have had to come to peace with the fact that the scale may not budge. But, really, in all honesty, I'm just not in it for that at this point. And I can say that with the truest form of sincerity. As long I start to feel better both physically and emotionally then I will have accomplished my goal. If I lose anything and can promote from the livestock scale back down to the bathroom scale it will only prove to be a sweeter deal then it was when I embarked on this journey.

So it is that I am off to run a race. Mother started training too despite the 3 hr distance that separates us. She'll be running with us so that I have plenty of motivation to keep me going and more than enough people to keep me accountable. I really want Brad to run with me since he is absolutely my biggest motivator and the one who keeps me going when I think I'm going to give up and just puke. I did that once. But I loathe people who quit or are just plain lazy....usually they're both.....and I refuse to ever let myself become one of those. So, I forge ahead with him by my side rooting me on as I go. But we can't exactly push 3 double jogging strollers in a race with all of the children whose legs are still too short to make the cut. So, we'll see. We've got plenty of time to figure it out.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

Schooling at the Lake

Undoubtedly the sweetest baby in the world....my beautiful, messy, dark eyed girl

The first of our beautiful dark eyed girls.......since Evye has eyes as blue as Garrett's

My blue eyed boy....with yet another bald spot on his head due to expertly taking it upon himself to shave his head again

It was so pretty that we decided we were up for a change. With Brad on shift earlier in the week the children and I loaded up, grabbed a fun lunch and some usually forbidden snacks and took off with school books in tow. Camped out on a lone picnic bench hidden away from the eyes of the world and buried deeply within the hills that surround the lake we played. So more play than school was done but there's got to be something said for learning about every lizard, fish, duck and deer track on your outing. So, it became more of a field trip than anything else but we had fun. I am so deeply in love with our children. I am so grateful.

Gavin's new sleeping arrangements. It is safe to say that we play fruit basket turnover on a regular basis where beds are concerned. Since all children are now back in the same bedroom it bumped Gavin's toddler bed out. He loves his Evye so they made the best bed buddy match for now.

So the fuzzy headed Ewok got a haircut later that very afternoon....along with the remainder of the 4 boys.

Taking bets on how far he could get it out there


Shooting at the jet skis.....nice


My handsome boy forever in a tree

Where Gavin was nearly the entire time

Coming home

I am still in awe that we have twins...sweet, sweet mischievous little boys

How is it possible to love someone so much?