November - Sweet Month of Gratitude

Cold north wind blows, chickens huddled close together for warmth, dark brooding skies heavy with cold, slow soaking rain, children rowdy and giggly with excitement over cooler days and cold moonlit nights buried under mounds of covers, holiday smells of pumpkin and spice wafting through the house, steaming cup of morning coffee with pumpkin creamer as eyes are forced to open, brain desperately seeking some form of awakening before being required to make any decisions. I stare out the kitchen window watching tree bow gracefully in cold morning winds. Daybreak's pink and purple morning hues seep gently over my world, so closely resembling the watercolored pages that pepper refrigerator door, now standing illuminated by dawn's soft light. I take in this quiet, this peaceful world of mine and I once again am overwhelmed with gratitude of this life I live......hardships, trials, and all......for would I not be who I am if it were not for these things encountered along this journey of our's? Complete violation of self, of little girl, of family, loss of life, temporary loss of life's vision, total and complete loss of self in the midst of it all......but is this also not part of it all...losing myself to discover who I really am in Christ and what exactly I am made of....who it is He wants me to become in Him? What would this life be...who would I be....if I were never required to push past my comfort zone, entrapped within my own boxed thinking, to dig deeper and become who I have not yet become? What would it be to stay exactly where I am for the rest of my life....or to have stayed exactly who I was before this past summer unfolded? What a tragedy to become stagnant and to never be required to move forward. Would it not be so much more detrimental to never suffer pain and never experience loss in life? I want to be that person that is continually moving forward...that digs deeper, that reaches farther, that is always being transformed.



As sun emerges into full daybreak little feet patter on cold barren floor and I feel short, little arms wrap around my leg. I look down into the blue eyes of a sleepy headed 2 year old. Sweet tiny girl of mine begins to call to me from wooden crib and I am brought back to reality. For the first time in what seems like ages I can actually envision moving forward....not without heartache but with a renewed passion to experience the fullness of life. A renewed passion to love my husband with all of my heart and appreciate everything about him that God has so blessed me with...his intense love and adoration for me, his desire to make sure that I am fulfilled in every area of my life, the fact that he can make me laugh no matter how bad life seems, that in him I have found the love of my life and my very best friend, to intimately know and experience absolutely everything about him with which I still fall so completely in love with each and every day. A renewed passion to embrace my children, these sweet pieces of my heart that grow so fast. So, I stand staring at them as they play, counting my many blessings. A pang of sadness sweeps my heart as I watch our baby now toddle to me, uncertainty filling the crevices of where profound assuredness used to lie as I took for granted that we would be watching many more children master this milestone in life. But as this month of thanks comes pouring down upon us I work on turning my thoughts from sheer pessimism, disappointment, depression and self degradation to moments wrapped in gratitude. I am thankful. We did not wake up to find our little girl missing from our home or lifeless in her bed. We have her here with us, still running, still breathing, still laughing and living life to its fullest extent. If we never have another baby I am thankful. I am thankful for the 8 we do have. I am thankful that we never knew the pain of not ever being able to have children in our lives. And if this season in our lives of no longer bearing children is permanent I am thankful for the new, unpregnant shape of my body. I have been so blessed with a husband that sees me as beautiful no matter my pregnant or unpregnant state...who thinks the softly rounded curves of pregnancy are as sexy as the soft feminine curves that exist afterwards. But if we never go on to have another baby I am thankful that I am dropping weight and can still be as entirely appealing and sexy to my husband as the day I was when we were married....that I can look good and fit back into my good ole' pair of jeans for him. I am thankful that I can run and have every faith that I will indeed succeed in a 5K. I am thankful I'm not pregnant while I train for it....despite my longings for another baby. I am thankful for 8 beautiful, passionately loving, content, happy, well behaved children. I am thankful for my mother who has become one of my biggest fans and my closest friend who understands me even in the darkest moments of life. I am thankful for 2 huge stupid dogs, 35 pooping chickens, 52 mail ordered chicks, 3 acres of paradise in a tiny hole in west Texas, a little 3 bedroom, 1900 sq ft house that adequately accommodates 10 people. I am thankful for a brother who despite being 3 states away is still only a phone call away and as close as the days when we spent every waking moment together, staying up watching Jay Leno eating Tuna Helper and Otis Spunkmeyers.

- for a dad that continues to support us through it all, checks up on us and would be there for anything we would ever need him for

- for in laws that despite all that has taken place over the last 4 months continue to love us unconditionally and keep our children with no questions asked of us or them, that have shown more patience with us than I could have ever imagined

- for a friend that sticks closer than a brother, that has listened through the anger and the tears, the resentment and the self pity, that has been there from the beginning who continues to love me for everything that I am

- for people that have come together to pray and hold us up when we couldn't even think of standing. For the cards, the letters, the gifts and the flowers...the physical, touchable, seeable gestures of how loved we are.

- for the little things like a huge washer and dryer that can wash puked on bed comforters and blankets. I cannot even begin to imagine what life was like in the 1800's when everything was handwashed and stomach viruses went around.

- for a van that will take all of us together as a family anywhere we desire to go

I am thankful for being loved. I am thankful for my life.

The list could go on as I jot down my list of 1,000 thanks on a flimsy piece of folded up paper tucked within my pocket. I set a personal goal of writing down at least 1,000 things I am thankful for in this 30 days of celebrating autumn and true thanks giving. This year it takes a very purposeful shift of focus to find the treasures but as I shift my focus from victim to chosen one I find how much deeper my understanding is of all that I have been given and how much more thankful I am for all of life.....more so than I have ever been in my entire lifetime.

Piercing blue eyes gaze into mine as a drunken look of love overcomes him, "Mama, you're so pretty". My heart melts and I smile, "I love you, buddy." A few more seconds of unbroken eye contact before he skips away lightheartedly. A chorus of little voices float on the air as they sing in unison, "Oh how He loves us." And I am thankful for all of life....for who I am, for all I will become, for all that God has given me.