Missing Scott

With almost all of them

My younger brother...by all of 19 months....came home from LA a week and a half ago so the latter part of our week was spent with him here. After making the rounds in Dallas he made the 3 hr trip from Fort Worth with Mother to come spend some of his time home with us. So it is that we spent the last 1/2 of the week just enjoying the sweet presence of his dearly missed company. He may live in LA these days but when we're together it's as always...as if no time has ever elapsed. The bond only strengthens throughout the years as we both grow and the friendship from childhood exists long into adulthood. Familiarity, camaraderie, humor, the memories of the past and the fun of the present....the depth we have in understanding everything about each other. How different the lives we live...the worlds in which surround us. LA actor/model living in a sea of faces, drowned in an ocean of concrete, scantily clad girls on miles of beaches.....as I sit and write surrounded by no less than 3 crowing roosters, dirt roads, cactus, dust, jeans and boots, rattlesnakes, 8 rowdy, entirely wet, laughing children waving at the 3 cars that have ventured out on this cool, windy spring day. How different our worlds but how close we remain.


I love that he loves our children like he does. The greatest compliment came as we talked on the phone this past week and he made the comment that he is taken with our crew....that they're each individually intelligent, entertaining, intriguing, well spoken, humorous, well behaved and enough to make him want his own. He said they make even the hardest of hearts rethink not having children. Maybe so. Who knows. He has limited interaction with any children these days so sometimes I think he expects the little ones to be a bit of a nuisance that interrupt constantly. I love that everytime he leaves he sings their praises and provides nothing but encouragement to us in our endeavors of raising this crew. It's encouragement to the soul when all of the training, time, energy and effort put into them becomes apparent to others...that we are not the only ones who enjoy the company of our crew....that they have the ability to be enjoyable to others....especially the ones you love the most.

Daddy joined us all on the 2nd day of Mother and Scott's visit so some of the pics were taken by Daddy...some from Scott's phone.


I miss him.

Uncle Scott's #1 fan

Uncle Scott and Evye

Gavin

Garrison

Garrett

Still Garrett...with his huge, blue, puppy dog eyes.

Everybody...minus the never stationary Ivye-girl. Grant sporting his new knee pads. These things only come off of him long enough for him to shower. I am quite convinced that if it was not a forced issue he'd be quite content to shower with them on too. He even sleeps with them on.

w/ Grant

Evye and sweet baby girl

Ev and Garrison

Readers and Riders

After a day spent on bikes. Notice how red Garrett's face is. I had to drag him off the bike and he was a sweaty mess. His head is so big and so top heavy that he's always got some kind of something going on with it. That scrape would be from head meeting concrete a few days ago. So, the empty spot was left for a showering Grant...who happened to never show up for the funny spontaneous pics we had going. You gotta love Ivye's wildly bad hair. It's so bad it's almost cute......almost.

I never cease to be amazed....even after all of the milestones one eventually experiences after having 8 children. We have agreed that riding a bike is as huge as the walking, potty training, reading milestones they all reach. Bike riding undoubtedly rates right up there at the top with the other major stuff. And today sweet newly turned 4 yr old Garrett decided he was tired of getting left behind by the now expert bike riders just 18 months his senior. After a week of getting left in the dust when they've all been inseparable he decided now was the day he would take off on a bike and keep up with them. Much to everyone's shock this stout boy who has only been 4 for one month took off on a 16 inch bike and never got off. He is now riding with the best of them. The driveway took on a new life with now 6 big riders out there. In a week's time we went from a few bikes and a whole host of little riders on riding toys to it looking like school just let out. But since the boys' bikes are still so new to them and only a week old we are having some major bike wars taking place outside. Much to our utter shock we are already in the market for yet another 16 inch boy's bike.

Garrett has already covered the town with older siblings leading the way. They were all so excited to watch him go that it took only an hour for the older ones to have him by their side on post office and gas station trips. Evye's been taking care of a fellow city council member's cats while they're out of town so the 6 of them were burning up the roads together as they all reveled in their new rider and ran their little town errands. He still looks so little out there in the middle of them. But he is holding his own and as determined as they come. He has already won 4 out of the 6 races between all of the little boys. Garrison and Grant were quite in awe of his abilities and instead of growing irritated by being on the losing end they were all singing his praises and urging him on.




In the midst of all of the outside events taking place Garrison and Grant read their first easy reader book today. It's an absolutely amazing thing to watch a child learn to read. It's another massive milestone. And to have the ability and the honor of teaching them and watching them open up the door to all of life just never gets old. It has to be one of the most rewarding amazing things in all of life....to have taught them and then to watch them go. The more I watch them learn and see all of life through their eyes...the wonder and beauty of it all....the more I can't imagine anyone ever having the honor of teaching them. How grateful I am that I have been blessed enough to stay home with them and that we can homeschool freely. How amazing a thing it is to watch your children learn. So this week we have added 2 new readers to our little reading crew. To say that it is rewarding is an understatement. There are no words that do it justice. It just makes it all worthwhile.

The girl riders

I loved this since it caught Garrett in motion.

Coaching him as he goes

Gavin quite bewildered he's being left by high speeds and big bikes now. After trying for a good half hour to mount even the smallest bike he finally gave up and got on his old trusty motorcycle and got right in the middle of it all. This little motorcycle is by far the best, most amazing riding toy we have ever had. It was purchased 10 yrs ago when Grayson was 18 months old. Every child we've ever had has grown up on it. It is the reason they all love to ride.

More funny group pics...minus one.

Leading the way for him. Since they had one in training and were going so much slower than usual it's about the only picture we have of no one wearing bike helmets while in motion. A rarity.

Amazing everyone by figuring it out and really holding his own.

The pet rooster. He's our homegrown beast of a bird. His name...Homey....since he's our 1st surviving hatched chick that's lived to adulthood. And he's about as much of a pet as our dogs. I don't think he's figured out he's a rooster.

Loving on the abandoned quadruplet kittens we spent no less than an hour digging out of the bottom of a cactus plant. That was a rather painful experience, to say the least. Let's just say you've either really gotta really love animals....or really love your kids who can't imagine leaving them there to just die. I'm thinking I love my kids...cause after the thorns and crap I plucked out of everything after this endeavor I know it's not animal love that drove me to go to such lengths.

Even Still

There is a heaviness that sometimes pervades. Like a dark cloud of shame hanging it pours forth and I fight off the feelings that can so easily come. So, I find myself here once more...seeking comfort in words, pondering all of life, trying to figure out what it all is and the purpose thereof. Here in words, for no one else's benefit but my own. The birth of this blog of mostly words many years ago as I set out to discover who I am, figure out all of life and leave a legacy for my children of who I oneday hopefully became. The hope that their path is made a little easier, their past a little more real, their future a little more clear and the wonders and phenomenons of God a little less secretive...no longer cloaked in shadows but more real than I ever knew at their young age. Perhaps providing a reality of the Lord that I never seemed to have and was left to discover on my own throughout the years. But in the discovery of who He is and who I am becoming there is still so much I wage war with....so much I fail to understand about His ways. I do know with all of my heart that His ways are higher than my ways but how is it that those ways can be so much higher when it means some of what we have had to walk through? Still the questions, still I ponder, still I wrestle.





Guilt still lingers. Though I have not spoken deeply about it in months and it seems as though the winds of a happy pregnancy and a "normal" life have returned it doesn't mean there are not emotions left lingering to be dealt with. And at night when I actually allow myself to really think about it, the reality of what happened last summer and how I have changed because of it all, the tears still fall. Not as often anymore but still so easily when any wandering thought seems to turn itself there. So, I avoid it? Perhaps.





Aubrey's ear problems still exist for no apparent reason. We are homeopathic-ed out, Dr'd out and every other way to treat it. There is no infection, there is no explainable cause for her recurrent pain and nights spent crying. There is no explanation for her loss of hearing. Just a continual diagnosis of "allergies" and unexplained permanent swelling of the ear canal. Ear Nose and Throat specialist now loom before us as I face the reality that the possibility exists and permanent damage has been done. We are over and again told there is nothing wrong but yet she cries, she holds her ear, she has extremely limited hearing. My mind turns to dark places of the past. And I am left to face the heartache once more, the guilt and the inner turmoil that seems to always reside not so very far under the surface.





It's been ten months now and the pain has lessened to some degree...maybe because I just don't think about it as much anymore. So why is it that when I do bring it up it feels as though it is some dark, shameful secret kept hidden within the confines of our lives? Maybe because the guilt of feeling as though I have failed her....failed as a parent....is still so prevalent. I know the truth. I know that we do not have 8 great children by accident and that it takes the consistency and never ending effort of two parents committed to raising them to make it all work. I know that we love our children with all of our hearts and that we would willingly die for any one of them. But when I think about it all I find myself continually warring with the unforgiving barrage of "what if I had....?" thoughts. What if I had locked the door? What if we had had a dog in the house that night? What if I had gotten up when I knew something was so wrong? What if I had just said no and never allowed the perpetrator onto our property...never allowed room for what eventually took place? What if?





And so I see her in all of her pain...whether it really is related to any of it at all and the events that took place that night no one really knows.....but I grow angry at myself and I once again feel the guilt of it all. The pain of what was....and still is. And I know we still have yet to sit through a court hearing and again relive all of the details and I know that it will not be fair and just. I know the limited information she gave to strangers and I know the truth of what she felt the freedom to tell at home. And they will down play it and almost entirely dismiss it based on lack of evidence and everything we have endured will most likely end in a few hours of community service. And I sit frustrated that we are here facing this, that she is still in pain, that there is nothing I can do to fix it all...and that I ever allowed it to happen, that it could ever happen to a family as protective as our's and the why's of God not protecting her when we so totally trust Him and so fully entrusted the care of our children to Him.

There is still lingering anger. No longer is it aimed at the Lord and how I feel He "failed" us, but now more so at those who arrogantly sit in judgement of us. And there are those self righteous ones that do. Ones that think they are so far above reproach that nothing can touch their children. They presumptuously assume they have done such a thorough job at parenting that their children are not at risk of any sort. I laugh at the hypocrisy involved in such insanity and arrogance. But it does not keep me from rocketing on a pendulum of emotions from the incessant, life altering guilt to the anger of what I feel for those that self righteously judge our situation. These people deserve no place in our lives and my tolerance for their stupidity and lack of willingness to understand is non existent. I owe no one an explanation of the how's and why's of what took place that night and I have absolutely no need to ever defend myself or our parenting abilities in their presence. Though the guilt, the shame and the darkness pours forth from emotions that remain stormy and unpredictable within my own self I know who I am as a person, as a parent and am confident in my abilities as a wife to my husband and the mother of our children. I know who I am and I know that there is indeed a purpose in this. And that if permanent damage has been done than Aubrey has a testimony and a story to tell for a very specific purpose. That God created her for such a time and place as this and He has given her a special story unique to her.

People do not understand. They have no way of understanding unless they have walked in our shoes. Unless they have awakened to such devastating news from their 6 year old little girl and had to then walk out the days of devastation that follow, the weeks that turn to months of dealing with the justice system, the insurmountable emotions that accompany this road. Unless they have delivered a baby into their hands and buried his tiny body they cannot even begin to imagine. So when they say they understand they do not, and when they sit and judge they have no understanding for what took place. And it takes extravagant amounts of grace and mercy to tolerate the good intentions of those who have them and not feel rage for those who do not.

There are so many emotions that still are left to deal with on this long, seemingly infinite road of healing. So, it is that I sit and I ponder. With no more answers than when I began but a deeper peace and a deeper understanding that our family is here for a purpose and we have been given this story for a reason. I have not walked this road in vain. We do not continue to deal with what we deal with because I was a negligent parent and failed but because we are being given a story to tell.

I stare at the new little tree that stands outside our window wildly flourishing. It lived and so will we. It signifies not only Gideon's short little life but it represents that whole time in our lives when it seemed we had lost so much. Lost faith, lost trust and all of life had been violated. But as time passes and and days bring healing our tree stands and grows to disprove death and loss. It defies the winter months......the cold, the wind, the snow...the pain, the heartache, the suffocation of life....and it thrives in full morning sun. I look at it and I know there is so much more than what we know now. There is so much life still beyond left to discover. It doesn't matter what lies in the past...what I have done, where I have failed, what people's opinions are, the judgment suffered, the insurmountable guilt, the lingering anger, the emotions still present...what lies before us is a future and a hope. And I will go forward from here in confidence knowing that He has our best interest in mind and I stand unwavering in faith. I will stand up and face this and if we are dealing with permanent damage then I will face that one day at a time, just as I have the rest, and we will deal with what comes. And as we continue to await a court date I will live fully. I will laugh and I will give myself wholly to my children...all of whom still live and thrive and continue to experience life to its very fullest. We are blessed and we continue to be blessed. And together as a family we look forward to the arrival of this baby and this new season in our lives as we transition from the pain of what has been to the joy of what is yet to come. And I begin to try and comprehend the reality that I will be a mother to 9 children....and we are blessed beyond measure.

So, I give it all to you, Lord. My expectations, my heart, all I want to be, all I'll ever become. This person inside that fails so desperately without You near....Your every breath, the very presence of Your spirit..I live for it. I cannot live or function without Your presence. I fail so miserably when left on my own. It is not only my own life at stake now but the lives of the 9 children You have so extravagantly given despite the faults that lie within. In You I'm perfected. In You I am made whole. Oh God, this guilt.....this never ending torrent of emotion, lift it. You have set me free and because of You I live. There is nothing I cannot overcome when in Your presence. This story you've given is here for a purpose. This shame I feel is not of You because in You there is no shame. The tears that fall..let them turn from rivers of shame and guilt to rivers that heal the soul and I can know that this is nothing I have done. I don't know where you were that night, Lord. I don't know why it all happened. I don't know why You just can't heal her now and let everything of the past be in the past. You can heal. You do heal. But I know that I love you unquestioningly and I will serve You despite the questions of the why's that will probably never in a lifetime be answered. Take the guilt and turn it into a testimony that will win the hearts of the nations and take the shame of a hidden secret and shout it out so that my life will serve You in every way...that You may turn what was meant for evil into good and that hurting hearts may know Your grace and love in ways they have never known. Let this glorify You in some way to make it all worthwhile...so that we did not live this season of our lives in vain. I want to be real. I want to be empty inside so that only You have the ability to refill....poured out before You and laying at Your feet. Filled with Your Mercy and filled with Your grace. No longer room for me...no room for my flesh. Only You. No more tears. No more anger. No more guilt and shame. I want to be someone that does not judge as we have been judged but sees the hurting heart buried beneath it all. I want to be someone someday so I lay it all down before You. I want to be whole and have purpose inside. I want to have virtue. Revive me. Purify my mind. I want to be set free so I lay it all down before You. Only you have the freedom to free the mind and break the chains that hold the spirit captive. This is my desire, my return to You. I just want to be used by You. I know my heart is to feel You near. My heart is pure, my motives only to do Your will. I look back and I see where You've taken me, delivered me, rescued me from my own self, the naivety of one so easily swayed, so eager to please anyone and everyone. You've come teaching me, molding me, shaping me into who you want me to be, all You want of me and all I am to become.....beyond all I have hoped and there's still so much more left unseen. So much more to my story than what I have read. So much more to life than what I have imagined. There's not much I can do to repay all You've done so I give You my hands to use, my life as a testimony of Your grace. And I stand before you in honesty, stripped bare of pride and any dignity because You know who I am, You know the failures of my flesh but still You love and still You come saving. Still Your grace is sufficient and still my children live and know of Your love and Your saving grace. Your salvation is whole in every way. So it is that I surrender all. My past, my present and what is still yet to come. Lord, I give myself to You. Let Your blessing fall on me.

Random Pictures

....to get caught up.

The proud new riders in the family. Garrison mastered it first. Since Grant has always been consistently 3 months behind in motor skill ability I figured he'd be riding in about 2-3 months from now. As it stands, Grant is now so competitive that he cried himself to sleep the night Garrison first took off......then cried for an hour the next morning sitting on a shelf in the closet. Patient, encouraging husband and I were so tired of listening to him and trying to encourage him that now exasperated husband went in and told him to stop crying, dry it up and get out there and ride. So.....he did. He has now mastered it so well that they are both ramp jumping in only a matter of 5 days...correction, proud daddy said only 3 days... since first taking off. They both learned to ride on Aubrey's current pink 16 in bike since that's all we had on hand. She was happy to ride the harder 16 in with the rusted chain while they learned. They soon were all riding to the store together but one boy was inevitably being left out since there was a total of only 4 rideable bikes. I found 2 really great 16 boys' bikes on craigslist in the DFW area for next to nothing. So, Mother and Scott brought those down here when they came for a couple of days to visit. We now have 2 very happy boys both riding expertly....on boys bikes and not on a pink butterfly bike! And the Lord does truly provide for every need. In the midst of it all one of the great concerns was needing 3 new bike helmets..something that is not in the budget right now at all. And protective husband will not allow anyone on bikes without helmets....period. When Mother picked up the bikes the man asked if our family would have any use for 4 brand new bike helmets....2 girls' and 2 boys'. They had not been able to sell them in their numerous garage sales or on craigslist so offered to throw them in with the bikes. Along with the helmets came 2 entire sets of boys' knee, hand and elbow pads. The boys were thrilled....and I was exceedingly blessed. He does indeed hear the cries of His people....even when it comes to bike helmets.

Dirty but still pretty cute. I am especially endeared to the floppy eared puppy look she's got going on. She looks about like Athena with one ear up and one ear down.

Ivye above/Athena below.....they're looking alot alike.

The floppy eared look on Athena. She was accidentally jumped on while under the trampoline chasing shadows and it ruptured some of the blood vessels in her ear, thus it will never stand up again. After getting used to it, it's actually kind of cute. Makes her look entirely unassuming and as goofy and stupid as she really is. But in all reality she is all business when the time comes. She's a pretty amazing, loyal companion for everybody.

The vacant, abandoned house the fire dept burned. From start to finish. Fire is an amazing thing. It's awe inspiring to watch something go from a standing structure to nothing but a pile of rubble in a matter of minutes.

Yes, dear Mr. Superintendent that stopped by to buy a cup....we homeschool.

When business is slow



What Ivye does while they sell lemonade. She sits and smiles and is the lemonade mascot. They take her out there to wave at everybody, look cute and attract customers....and she does!


His first few days on the pink bike



After some spelling correction
Laying out speed bumps. I couldn't help but laugh. He looks like the newest muppet character.

Milestones!!! Ivye's first toenail trim after cutting the top of her pinky toe off. Story of how it was smashed off is here. ER dr's were uncertain as to whether she would ever regrow the top 1/2 of her toe and if it did regrow they seriously doubted that she would ever have a pinky toe nail. It is now perfect. There is still some skin on the top that is growing back together...the very tiny bit still left to complete the new growth....a very far cry from not ever having 1/2 of her toe again! Her toe was completely smashed off below her nail at the middle joint. She now has a perfect little toe 5 months after the event. So perfect it required its first nail trim!

So, I wasn't even going to put this but everybody insisted. This was before it turned the lovely black and purple and way before it turned the current yellow and green it is now. It had a golf ball size bump going but the swelling has now almost completely gone. And it ended up turning the whole area under my eye purple too. Lovely. Brad said if I ever wanted to turn him in for domestic abuse now is the time. In all reality, the children have a Fisher Price baby monitor that we used to use. It became a toy quite some time ago and is now used for walkie talkie purposes. The little boys use it when all of the older ones are on the real radios. Ivye was swinging it by the rubbery antennae and unexpectedly let go. She rivals the pro baseball leagues when it comes to pitching. She has quite the arm. And this was where it happened to land. I had an eyeball/headache going for 3 entire days. If I smiled for the pic it wrinkled it all up and made my eye hurt. For days when I laughed or sneezed it would start a raging headache!! How does somebody not laugh for days...and not sneeze in the worst of allergy season???? Thus the somber look that is going on. And, for the record, it's entirely hard not to laugh in such a stupid picture!

Gideon's tree in full bloom. He's buried under it.

Our new ugly swingset waiting to be transplanted in the backyard. There's actually 6 kids in the picture but Gavin kind of blends in on the ladder so you can't really see him. Garrett had just shot off the end of the slide. Trying to catch him in action but was too slow for the jet propelled action of the rocket slide.

So, he has not had an accident in months and months....since he was first trained last summer. I couldn't believe he had actually pooped in his pants and why he would do it now. Disgusted with it all I peeled back his pants to see the damage and this is what I found.