How Far Will You Go?

I'm not one that's very good at not blogging when life issues are at hand. It is my therapy and the way all of life sorts itself out. In all of the crap we have been through i've discovered running and writing are the cheapest therapies in life and nothing ever really fulfills like those two do. In those two I am drawn deeper and closer to a God who very often does not make sense to this mortal thought process of mine. So with Internet service cut off and knowing we have only limited minutes of internet phone usage I'm doing this long ass blog post from my phone and trying to make sense of all of life. Once again, I find it a very sobering place to be. I hesitate to even post any of this but at this rate it just no longer matters what anybody thinks.....and I possess no fear of what people will think of us as we walk this out. Because in the end, when all the lights go down, we are still the parents of these children and we can only do what we feel led to do in the moment, what is in their best interest, and what we are at peace with. That said, there are times in life when I am seriously bewildered by the ways of God.



We are here. We are provided for. Every need is met. As we went for the 3rd week with no traditional soap, shampoo, conditioner, or toothpaste we were swiftly learning how to creatively meet those needs. And were having quite the science learning experience in the process with lots of good hearted fun that came from it all. And husband and I continued onward with what's in front of us and making sure the most basic of needs were met. Roof over head, electric, food, enough gas in truck for pizza husband to work to provide the tiny sum for the next day.



As he arrived home late 3 nights ago, out in the pouring rain sat a water laden box delivered by dog phobic UPS man deathly afraid of crossing over onto private property. So we had no knowledge that box awaited as it sat in the rain at gate. Husband brought it in and eager older children still awake dove in. Within the soggy cardboard confines lay bottles of shampoo, conditioner, soap, 4 huge tubes of toothpaste, body wash and more. The most practical of necessities being supernaturally met by a God that takes care of us. And tears flowed like the thousands that tapped gently against window in the cold dark night. I see his loving kindness poured into our lives. His faithfulness is seen. And I realized that of all the other place in life where we've struggled my expectations of Him were my greatest setbacks...the downfall of making any progress. We have proven we can make it work with or without soap and toothpaste but still have needs met. And when I gave up what I thought I was owed in life and accepted it for what it is He comes in and faithfully provides. It's all in my perspective...all 12 of our perspectives. And searching husband was blown away by a God that meets such practical needs not once but twice...and three times and over and again. The most basic of needs....soap, shampoo, toothpaste, hair care.



But we see our children struggling. Reality of life here is very different than the dream. He pretty much had a job when we came here....all but papers signed. It's a long story. But when fine print was revealed 2 weeks after our arrival here suddenly job fell apart and the backup plan we had in mind, contacts we had, just kind of dissipated. And suddenly we found ourselves in the boat of worst possible scenario. But we knew we had sought the heart of the Lord so much before moving that being here was not a mistake. We prayed and prayed and went as far as to tell the Lord our decision would be confirmed in mind and heart if horses and dogs were given outstanding homes because a "righteous man care for his animals" and their wellbeing was a priority. And he provided the amazing homes we required to confirm our decision. Our "fleece" thrown out to Him. When their needs were met and this house on an acre was rented to us we knew it was the confirmation needed for us to leave everything we have ever known, many many friends and family that dearly love us, and venture 1500 miles east into the great unknown. And so we're here now.....with a night that paid 20.00 in tips, still job searching and wondering as to the purpose of it all.



Children struggle and our hearts begin to ache for them. The war they wage is heavy and daddy heart grows heavy with the weight of their wellbeing. His own tears fall for them. They long to go home. Back to freedom. They have seen God provide and they know he lives and breathes and moves. But they long for lost freedom. Reality is...there is no freedom here at all. Hunting, fishing, trapping, gun shooting, outdoor loving boys ache to live again. Barrel racing girl's heart aches to return to beloved horse and horse loving friends. And reality of life here right now is that we have children growing up on the Internet. They've poured through the books we have and are now spending their days in front of screens. Little boys climb trees all day but older ones only have the ability to do so much. Metal detecting son was told not to dig holes in our yard by landlord for fear the water might "seep into ground". Still not sure about that one. He's exhausted all resources on our street and come home with some amazing finds....but there is nowhere else to go. Husband and I know well that children grow up in the suburbs well and adjusted all the time....but we both know this is not the life we desire for our children. They long to go home...down to 3 year old Ivye-girl. Hearts ache and tears fall. Family awaits the return of our children and grandparents on both sides long to participate in their lives. And we sit and we watch our children struggle.



Offers for oldest to apprentice still come. Dear friends that shoe horses love him...love all 10 of our children. Offer stands for him to shoe as much a we'll allow him to go. Deer processing plant wants his help one day a week. Taxidermy, passion of his life, awaits his return. He thrives and there is freedom. He is learning many skills and trades while yet still in school....yet we are here away from what is in his best interest at this point. And we watch his resentment and struggle with it all grow, as we are trapped in the concrete jungle. Horse loving girls want to ride again and little boys want to shoot bb guns again.



My heart is torn between two worlds...and what the right and wrong thing is...if there's a right or wrong. Do we stick it out here and continue forward knowing our needs are being met miraculously or do we return...to the very place...the very house we just left??? What is right??? And is there a wrong???? Are there consequences to be had for actions taken because we couldn't hold out here for maybe something better? Was there a reward at the end for being willing to follow in obedience and stay the course...one we'll give up if we call it quits, cut our losses and return home...to freedom?



My heart is pricked and my spirit knows when the question is voiced...would you be willing to lay down your pride and return home...as the world watches? Would my pride so get in the way of trying to uphold the standard and idea of how I want to appear that it would keep me from returning? Would I willingly forego what's in the best interest of our children to uphold an idea or standard because of pride? The beginning of many many days worth of hot tears began to fall....and they fell continuously like the 3 day rain I have come to love here. The stab within my heart came as the question was voiced....maybe this whole walk of faith, this test we have endured, wasn't about coming here at all.....but maybe it was about how willing are we to return??? Everybody's ready to live out a dream...but what happens when he asks of you to do the unthinkable....to return to where you came from? To desert, to parched land, to rattlesnakes and black widows by the thousands, to dry arid heat, to 110 degree summers....to utter drought ridden land??? What happens when He asks "how far will you go?" I had begun to love the idea of what could be here. I lived in a dream to make the suburbs tolerable. I continually dreamed of acres buried in the Virginia mountains that we could purchase in the not so distant future with an oil job that allowed him to commute between states. I dreamed of running streams on our land, hunting fishing kids 4 wheeling on mountains, and seclusion buried in the trees. Open pastures for horses to graze, gardens that grew, rain that fell and woods for boys to shoot bad guys.



So the tears of utter humility began to fall, along with the disillusionment of all of life. Anger at how we even were brought here to this place, what we gave up to come, all the disappointments of unfulfilled hopes and dreams. Everything. Reality is.....husband has a very good possibility of getting on with family oil...but in the beginning he will be gone 6 days of the week and will return home for a 24 hour period before leaving again. And when things get better and he has some leverage for his choice of schedule he will be gone for 6 weeks at a time and home for 6 weeks before repeating that schedule. The reality of life without him home very much set in...and the tears, irrational hormonal overload could not be damned. He is truly my best friend, my buddy, my companion, my lover, my husband, my everything. And to think of having to endure yet another situation like his two years of commuting was enough to break my resolve.



So we talked and he comforted like only he can. He reasoned with me and, as always, his compassion unleashed the fury of yet more tears, but grounded me yet once more in life. The lessons learned in this journey are unrivaled. This walk was not for naught. This whole experience has grown us, has grown our children and made the Lord more real than he has ever been to us and to them. We walked away from the year of '09 knowing he lives and does not forsake or abandon but I still entertained massive doubts as to His faithfulness to protect and provide for us. We both know now after having seen His provisions over and over and over again while here that he is faithful. And our children know what it is to walk in obedience, listen, wait, and watch Him work.....and to lay down the expectations of how he should.



With concerned family begging for our return and many many friends and family deeply in love with both of us and all of our children we are longed for back home in the great state of Texas...from ones that love us in east Texas to DFW all the way down to Houston, to the many we left behind in west Texas all the way over to the New Mexico state line. We have people deeply longing for our return and children that desperately miss grandparents and cousins. Our little home out on the prairie still sits with its tankless water heater, new air conditioner and heater, water softener, and entire 1800 sq ft of sweepable, moppable, no carpeted floors. The wind still blows and caries on it the sounds of cattle, goats and sheep. The roads are still dirt and beckon to be run. The swingset sits waiting for life to return to it and life is slow. Deer cross highways by the herd and hatted ranchers still wave on lone highways. Wal Mart and Sam's employees still ask about kids and want recent pics. Life is so slow there that once we return it'll be like we never left....clock standing motionless 6 entire months. Elderly Pawpaw with Nanny now in nursing home waits for great grandchildren to return...waits for the laughter they bring with them....waits for beloved favored grandson to return. And he continues to ask if we're ever coming home.



So...through the emotional roller coaster of tears and leaving every dream here and every amazing person we have met we once again pack boxes. Children's world is a little bit bigger and they now have friends on the east coast, the west coast and everywhere in between. We return for boys to shoot, hunt, fish, trap, skin hides, process meat and shoe horses....for girls to shoot, hunt, and race barrels. We return to dirt roads where the sun is seen rising on the east horizon and melts into the western horizon....where moon transforms from massive golden eye to silvery button, lighting all of the night sky....where stars are by the millions, and dry parched prairie grass sounds like waves of ocean in the ever blowing southwest wind.



Children clamor with excitement as if they've been fed pixie sticks and mountain dew for the last 2 days of their life. Words flow fast and furious as they chatter and laugh, plan and place calls to people to tell of their return. Oldest that is so new to the age of 14 says there is no better birthday gift. His smile lights up all of life and words flow...."Mom? For the first time in months I feel really happy." Husband and I exchange glances and we know that we're doing the right thing. There are no amount of trees or falling leaves or water or rain or hills or romantic ideas of what could be that will ever replace truly knowing that we are doing what is in the best interest of our children and for our family. And maybe this whole 6 month "vacation" was not to test us in how willing we were to give up all security in jobs and comfort but to see how willing we are to be obedient when the road goes back to where it came from....despite how foolish it may appear to some...or how irrational the decision to do it appeared to be. We know who we are, we are confident in why we went and we know why it is we're going home. And the goal is still to one day build a home buried in the Rockies or the Blue Ridge Mountains and raise children in the rural setting it provides. But, for now, it's time to go home. We are seeing the work of a God that uses the foolish things of the world to shame the wise.



Tears still fall...even now as I write. Tears of every emotion. Sadness, happiness, joy, stress, leaving those we have come to love here, reuniting with those we left....heart torn between two worlds. But in the end it's the world of our children's hearts that we will be held accountable for and that matter the most.



So it is that march 1st we return to freedom for them. It will still be very much a faith walk for us as we continue down this road of walking in obedience to where he leads. Reality is, husband has no job to which he can return. Legally the dept cannot even be open to rehiring him. He has aged out of civil service. We are taking back our house pymt with no secure source of income. We still need to put food on the table and he still has no job. Gas is much higher since home is so rural. So, we walk this out and know more than ever that when we are walking within His will our needs are met. He is faithful. He has provided a way to get us home and He will continue to provide. There is no dept and no company that ever is our source of provision. He is our provision and he utilizes many many different and creative ways to meet the differing needs. So, we walk in faith back to Texas knowing that we cannot afford to live outside of what he is asking us to do. And maybe one day we'll return when our children's hearts are not at stake.



Time is of the essence now. Baby has only 7 weeks until arrival. It is much easier to meet the needs of a baby within the womb rather than outside it. It's easily fed and lives in a comforted environment....and I am not trying to heal from a delivery or function during the day after sleepless nights. The decision was whether to move now, before baby's impending arrival, or wait til Sept when baby is on a good and established routine but may grow rather weary of extended hours in van while making the drive westward. And ......there's a tankless hot water heater waiting in Texas to fill up a birth pool. After yet more and more talking, deliberating, seeking the Lord and searching for what brings peace the decision has been made to go now. Business has to have time to be put in order and tenants need time to move out of Texas home. So, the earliest we can move is Feb 26th and arriving in Texas on the 1st, giving me 10 days before baby's due date. We've never had a baby come two weeks early so hoping this little one stays put for just a little longer. Ivye shocked everybody by coming 5 days early but everyone else has been 2-5 days late...including twins. So, if history proves to be any good indicator we'll have about 15 days there before baby makes an entrance into this world. And we'll be home. Moving truck will arrive Valentine's day or the day after. We'll load it up and send it westward since it takes an entire week to arrive at destination. We should arrive a day or two after it makes the journey so beds will be waiting on us. Birth pool and a little bag for baby will make the journey with us, along with an infant carseat just in case of the unforeseen.



And I cry some more....hormonal emotional, torrents of tears. A little bit of fear of the unknown, fear of husband now searching for job that takes him far away from home....tears leaving the amazing people that have filled our lives here. I love our church. Really truly love our church. I love each and every one of the children's Sunday school teachers and how they have filled their lives each week....how they unconditionally love Aubrey, how they have helped Grayson as he struggles here, how Evye's teacher would go to the ends of the earth for her, how Garrett's and gavin's teacher think they are the cutest, boot wearing, clean cut boys in there, and how babies' nursery workers squeal when they show up and call them by name. I really deeply love our Sunday school teacher and how deeply and seriously they search the heart and ways of God. I love how we can enter into worship unhindered by set lists or agendas of music leaders. I love the quality of music and the people that fill our lives each week in our own Sunday school class and how they have embraced us. If only we could wrap that aspect of it up and take it home with us. But one of the many things this has done for both hungering husband and myself is allowing us to see the importance of becoming a part and being active in a fellowship. So, in our praying and searching we looked for churches in our own small Texas town and found one we will plug ourselves into instead of staying isolated. We need it and the children need it.


So tears continue to steadily fall as we make yet another of the toughest decisions of our life. And our world has grown alot bigger because of it all. We embrace His move and will return March 1st to deliver another tiny Texan shortly thereafter.