The Blessing of Life

It seems these last few days have been burdened and overshadowed with the cruel reality of life. I have been weepy and in almost a sort of grieving process. Grieving for this precious family, saddened by how convicted I have become of my actions and how completely I have the ability to take our very life for granted, our healthy beautiful children that we have been so extravagantly blessed with, our home, our happy, content, loved filled marriage, the very breath that we take each and every moment. I have learned these past few days through the very hard lessons that God is striving to teach me that we are not ever guaranteed another breath, another moment, another second, another hour with the ones we love so much. The very breath we breathe can be so completely blown out so easily like a little birthday candle that was set on the boys' cake. With one gentle breath of God we are gone and home in His arms.

Curtis, my brother in law, came so close very recently to having his life snuffed out. That incident seemed to lift the veil that cast the shadows over his life and opened his eyes to what it is life is all about. He is so incredibly radically changed. I honestly have never seen a man so changed. It was enough to get my attention and start a thought process within me that would begin a journey of looking at my own life through a microscope.

After the birthday party a deep convicting work started within me because I saw so much of myself in his old ways. We are very much alike in regard to type A personalities and having completely unrealistic expectations of life itself and as a whole. Jackie and I used to tease over the years that I was like Curtis and she was like Brad......laid back and not as entirely concerned with the details. And that must be the reason we had successful marriages since we were polar opposites from our spouses. I could never have stayed married to Curtis and she and Brad wouldn't have made an entirely dynamic couple given their more laid back nature about the small things. I realized through Curtis though that I am alot like he used to be. I stay irritated alot of the time because I want an immaculate house at all times, the children lined up perfectly like little ducks, all school work done in a military fashion down to the minute, the schedule run like I am the captain of a ship with all hands on deck. I was also busy living up to many expectations I felt had been put upon us by different people. Whether spoken or unspoken.....I knew they existed. I know how irritated I tend to stay and there were days that I would sit down and cry fearing the memories of myself that I am building for the children. Instead of utilizing the time to make things better I fear I made it worse since it was only compounded by my frustrations.

I think that birthday day a work started within our family, within me, that I was completely unprepared for. As the weeks have passed I have become acutely aware of the passing of time, the reality of life and death. I thought it was a bit morbid and, honestly, my own thoughts began to scare me.....as if they were some premonition to events that lie ahead. As I have come to embrace this time and really search for what this all means I think it is just a very natural part of working through it and understanding that life is very short......and not a guarantee.

This all seems a bit pointless and a bit like rambling as I sit here trying to sort through all of this. Some works are so deep I'm truly not sure they were ever meant to be put on paper. It seems, as I write, very shallow compared to the depth of the thoughts that churn within my heart and mind.

The last few nights have been rather sleepless as I lay in bed contemplating all of this and the meaning and existence of the life I've been given. I don't even pretend to know it all. I have gotten on some blogs where they have many children and they seem to have every answer in the book for perfectly behaved children and the key to life in their hands. I feel humbled and embarrassed by my searching heart and the fact I am still so naive even with these children God has placed within my life to raise. I don't feel lost but I do feel that there is so much more to life than what I currently see and I know there is so much more to our story than I can ever envision. There is still so much I really don't know. Relationships, family, friends, children, my past, my present, my future, life, death ....all dance before me in the dark morning hours. God has mightily used the Farley family to firmly grab hold of me and not let go. Something that should seem so far away in the world has become so real to me. I read back through some of her earliest entries and I became so convicted because I saw myself in her words. I am that person. I am that everyday Christian that throws the "Bless you brother" over their shoulder when leaving church, the pat on the back that says cheerily, "Yes, God is good!" and walks on throwing around the weight of God like a fly by night greeting. I am the person that when one says "I'll pray for you" tends to think it's a little Bible beater-ish. I am the one that struggles each morning to get up and truly cry out to God. I wrestle with prayer time and doing it consistently. I honestly think "Bless you brother", "Praise God!!!", "God is good" and "I'll pray for you" statements are often times truly phrases that many throw around with no weight behind any of it. I think often times they are learned within the church and become a habit with no meaning behind them anymore. I know people like this. I think there are so many with religious spirits that seek to glorify themselves when proclaiming how good God is or seeking to bring attention to themselves by being so "Godly"that it has become a turnoff for me. So, in that light and being so fearful of ever becoming what I have seen in some, I have tended to stay away and never really further my walk in an effort to distance myself from ever becoming like those I have seen and known.

But in her story I saw myself. I saw the everyday Christian suddenly snapped to attention and drawn closer to the Lord as she walks out this heartbreaking story. And it became a reality that it could've been me. That could be me holding my baby fighting the battle of loving and losing while gaining Life through it all. It could be me having to draw closer through the intense pain being experienced. And I became so overwhelmed that I wept because it isn't me and that we have been spared from so much yet so burdened for them that they have to walk down that road.

In the midst of my sleepless nights and tears God used the baby goat pretty heavily through all of this. After seeing something so traumatic it was easy to lay in bed and have visions of the whole event float mindlessly through my head. I found it hard not to focus on what had happened. Nights have been restless trying to sort through emotions, visions of what we saw, and the overwhelming need to pray for the Farley's as I remembered the goat and envisioned what they are having to cope with.

On Monday we went and tended to the baby goat. Grayson, Evye and I took a laundry basket filled with towels and blankets and gently placed her in it. After tending to her wounds, we lifted the basket and carried her inside to keep the flies away and infection at bay. We learned that Brad could not come home since they were at minimum and I would have to shoot her. So, thinking she might have a small chance at survival we put her in the bathroom in her basket. She made encouraging noises but struggled for life. Finally, after a few hours I went to try and get her in a better position and she wasn't really breathing in between her cries. After realizing there was nothing left to do and if I moved her neck, which was broken we later discovered, would fall and suffocate her. So, I left and finally wept out every emotion I was feeling. The overwhelming reality of life and how it is given and taken away so quickly came pummeling down. The story of the Farley's laid heavy on my heart and I cried all of that out while trying to deal with the goat and everything God is trying to work through in my life right now. I called Brad and finally sobbed it out to him and then Mother called and by that time I couldn't quit crying. The bathroom noises stopped and I knew she was dead. Nobody wanted to go back in there. Brad got a guy to fill in for him a couple of hours while he came home to go dump her and try to school the children on lessons of the food chain and death. Brad returned to work and later that evening after I'd taken a nap the children and I took a drive. We headed to Mother's for a much needed coke and Grayson stayed with her for the night. He woke her up with his nightmares, which we rarely have ever dealt with in any of the children.

The last 2 days as we have tried to explain to the children the reality of the loss of the goat I have had all of these life thoughts swirling through my head. God continues to use it as so much more than just a goat dying. To me, it is the reality of life, as I watch other circumstances around me. As I contemplate what it is Curtis went through and the realization he has come to about life and my heart becomes so convicted about what other families are living out I realize how truly wonderful my life is. I am beginning to understand a little more fully what it is to truly embrace the life I have been given and the treasure I have in Brad and the children. As the wife of a firefighter and paramedic I know I am not ever guaranteed a future of growing old with him. I think sometimes I write that in a way of reassuring myself that it will happen. I function normally day to day as if he has the most mundane job in the world but burning buildings are not always the worst enemy. Inattentive speeding motorist flying by a wreck he's working is only 1 mere example of what danger lies in his path everyday. Dangers that he is daily protected from as we pray in the morning and at night as the mercy of the Lord continues to surround us and protect our family. Kelly and I have talked about it before and if we ever really thought about it we'd always live crippled by fear. So, as wives of these men, we just don't really ever focus on it. But never have I been so aware of how much grace and mercy we are daily given and how much life is worth, how very much in love I am with Brad and my children. Never have I felt so compelled to hold them near and treasure each and every minute I am graciously given with them. All of this has made me contemplate what kind of wife, mother, daughter, sister and friend that I am. I wept in remorse as I came to see in myself what I so despise. If I were a friend of myself I know I would stay constantly frustrated with me. I have begun to see the things I long to have the Lord change within me. I cry out to be a better person because if it is my last day or the last day of one of my sweet children's lives or Brad's precious life I want to know I lived life to its very fullest with each and every one of them and that I was the very best and had fulfilled every purpose God has ordained for me here on this earth.......or that I aided them in fulfilling their purpose should He take one of them. I want to live my life like I may die tomorrow.