Guilt Ridden Day

Well, I suppose it's the inevitable type of day every parent comes face to face with at some point. That huge sinking feeling of sheer selfishness on my part, utter irritation with everything and way too short of an already short fuse concerning everything around me. Maybe it's hormonal. I've never really considered myself the hormonal type but I can't really make any sense of my total lack of any kindness within me either. It's just kind of a down type of day. I have everything in the world to be grateful for but, still, true joy seems to elude my spirit for whatever reason. After a really hard day and a big reality check yesterday I went to bed feeling lonely and depressed last night. So, I think I fell asleep sometime around 7...shortly after the children were down, but not asleep for sure! I slept until 7 this morning and it felt really good. I thought sleep would cure my emotional state but I guess it didn't really phase it.

The household noise seemed to be too much at times and any little whiny thing coming from the children sent me over the edge. I felt so horribly awful on the inside. I knew the whole time how I must sound to them but still I felt rather incapable of stopping it either. I knew if I taped myself and the days events that I would forever hate myself and the way I treated the children. I knew I would be quite terrorized at just how horribly mean I sounded. I knew everything I said lacked any amount of joy in it. I finally apologized to the children and asked them to work with me a little in order to make the day as enjoyable as we could. In an effort to cheer everyone up after a full day of just a sheer barrage of onslaughts coming from my mouth I finally felt so guilty that I figured I'd do something fun with them and at least refill all of the bird feeders and hummingbird feeders and then fill their new ones that we bought to hang in front of their bedroom window. Mother and I found really cute little feeders for kids to birdwatch for only 2.50. So, we filled and hung those so they'd have little birds to wake up to in the morning. After hanging those we found that we could hang one more in front of their window since they have a huge....nearly wall to wall......picture window view from their room. They also insisted that Garrett have one for his windows. They all agreed you're never too little to be amazed by birds. So, that cheered everyone and we'll get 2 more the next time we head into town.

I suppose, it was just one of those days where by the time they went to bed I didn't look any different than I had when I got up this morning. I took a shower but that was about the only improvement I made to myself all day. We got all of their school work done but not without it's share of frustrating me royally too. Evye is now very ready to move on from just simple addition and subtraction so we headed into regrouping. That had to be about the most agonizing thing I've done in awhile. How can she be so very smart and be soooooo clueless????? We did finally manage to get through that with some degree of success. The true test will be if she can still do it tomorrow!

I don't know. Maybe it is just being pregnant. Who knows. There are days during pregnancy that I am on top of the world and have it made in every way. My little brood is good looking, clean and well dressed and we have it made. I feel like I am quite the woman being able to hold it all together and maintain some physical form of being in good shape and continuing to maintain some sort of physical attractiveness despite the changes a body goes through. But then there are the days where I just can't help feeling like a beached whale and like I am 200 pds. The makeup never seems to make it on and I am barefooted and in the kitchen in jogging suit pants and one of Brad's t-shirts. Most days I wonder how in the world I'll ever lose it all...despite the fact I always do. I seem to always battle these huge obsessive thoughts towards the end of every pregnancy. I fear with each and every one that I will turn into a person that I despise in the mirror. And I just so never want to go back there again. I've been down that road and, to a degree, I really never leave it. I fear getting stuck even though I always overcome. And when I get down I tend to really become focused on those thoughts. For whatever reason when any kind of a down day hits that seems to come up at some point during the course of it.

So, there was really no point in saying all of that except just to say that some days are just hard I suppose. One of the most common comments we get from strangers and onlookers is the "You have soooooo much more patience than I do!!!!". Well, I have just about as much patience as anyone else on this earth.....probably less! I think one of the true blessings of children is that I, as a mortal sinning human, am forced to overcome myself the majority of the time and focus on something beyond my needs and desires. It is like constantly being in training and, like a dog, most days are huge accomplishments in the training endeavor but every once in awhile they have those "backwards" days where everything taught to them seems to elude them. Only.......when I have such days my children are the ones suffering. Oh....the guilt of a parent that never seems to really fix itself. I do love the fact that children seem to be God's way of putting the world and it's mortality and self-focused ways into perspective. When everyone around us is stuck on their problems and seems to be so wrapped up in nothing but themselves I have the children and their needs to put before my own. So, though I may wait infinitely for my desires to be fulfilled I can only imagine the treasures I am storing up as I am taught the hard lessons of patience and the blessings I have the ability to give away by meeting the needs of my children first and foremost. And throughout it all I hope it sets an example for my children to value the needs of others and teaches them to put others before themselves in a healthy way.

Though as I sit here writing I find it quite contradictory that I write all of this crap on one of the worst days. I sit here saying that I want to teach them character and what it is to lay themselves down for the benefit of others in order to serve the Lord, yet here I go confessing how awful I have been the entire day and how entirely irritable and moody I find myself to be.

Whatever. I think the thoughts run too deep to try and really convey them all in this tortured state I find myself wallowing around in. What a day.