Sick of Conflict!!!

Sick of Conflict..............

So, have I ever bothered to say how sick I am of conflict? As if there's not already enough drama and responsibility to deal with just with the sheer nature of our lives right now there always seems to be more that people find to come up with. I am sooooooooo tired all of the time and my life is filled with enough work and duties to keep me going until after I die that to deal with other people's shit is just not on the priority list right now. This crap that continues to carry over from year to year with Mother and Jackie just gets down right sickening and old after awhile. I mean, come on guys, isn't there a ton of stuff you should be doing instead of just rehashing events 10 years ago and constantly coming up with new offenses. It's like that is the only serious shit that makes them feel like they're adults. If you want to feel big and get an ego out of constantly dealing with stuff come live my life for awhile and then tell me what you think and how likely you are to carry on such petty f***ed up fights. To me, the world is just so much bigger and there's so much more to do rather than to get bitter over what injustices you have been dealt in life. I may be becoming a bit harder as the years go by but it's not because of people but because of reality. I guess there's just a feeling of feeling so far beyond where people are right now. I love Jackie to death and I love Mother to death but in all reality I am sick of the arguing!!! I cannot stand where they are and how they deal with some stuff personally. I could never in my life tell them that though since they would be so damn defensive and get so hurt over the fact that I'm not fully on either of their sides. To not be completely on either side is to be against both. I feel so far beyond that. I feel like my life has so many real problems that to conjure up any or keep the past alive to make more problems is just not fathomable to me. They think they have real problems since that is their life but to me real problems are the house and truck being repossessed because we have to decide to eat or keep good credit. Real problems are Brad not being able to get on with a city here so we continue to live this way infinitely due to how crapped out our credit is because we can't make ends meet. Real problems are a 26,000 a year salary. Real problems are watching the children wail and hang onto his legs as he leaves us once again and again and yet again. Real problems are the lonely bed I stare at and lay in in complete aloneness thinking of how many people take their marriage for granted. Real problems are when your own children don't even want their daddy to comfort them anymore because they only know him as a person that comes and goes but never stays. I wish they could come live my life for one year and then tell me what they think about the petty bullshit. I wish Jackie could just try for a year Curtis only being home 1% of the time and having to do absolutely everything herself. Though it would never directly affect the relationship issues between them it would put everything in life in perspective.

Oh well. My thoughts are too deep to even try and convey on paper and be successul at it so I will leave it at that. It doesn't even come close to what I am truly trying to say but the more I sit here and think the deeper and more involved it becomes and I know by the end of it no one would understand my ramblings unless they truly have walked this road. I think that is one of the hardest parts about this journey I walk is that no one can even come close to understanding what it is to live it. Many empathize and even sympathize and offer their support or words of praise, admiration and encouragement but overall no one knows what it is to live it. It's a very lonely feeling and to fight with people is a very lonely feeling and I'm just tired of feeling lonely.


But on another note that is completely off the subject and much more lighthearted and heartwarming........Garrison came up this afternoon and started patting my leg saying, "Oh Ba-by, ba-by". It was sooooooo sweet. So, he now says "bye-bye" night night" and "baby" along with confidently yelling Grayson's name everytime he sees him or hears me calling Grayson. Grant continues to be more the quiet one though his jabber is starting to pick up. Both he and Grayson and he and Aubrey play really well together and he's taken to them. Aubrey can play peek a boo with him and get him into fits of rolling giggles and Grayson can chase him around and hang him upside down and send him into fits of laughter. It's so much fun watching them play and watching Grayson and Evye now disappear into their imaginary worlds with each other.