Letting Go

4:11 am and sleep evades. I was going to write a bit but restless husband awoke not long after I was up at 3:20 am. So, we're up together and I'll keep it limited to a picture post. So much to say. Emotions are a little everywhere right now. It's more than a little surreal to know we have mere hours left within the state of Texas....and I quietly wonder when we'll ever be back. If finances do improve up there and we are exceedingly blessed I'd happily and easily go back and forth between the two states. But if things stay the same we'll live happily in our new homeland...but it could be years before we return. And so I look at our home a little longingly and, like a slide show, memories play through my head. Big twins just babies when we came here to this foreign land. And seven years later it is home. Lone Texas highways, sleepy little town, despite all the politics and bad attitudes it harbors within. We have realized as we leave how we have been touched by so many lives here and how many we have touched and come to know. My heart quivers with excitement over what awaits but there is pain in the farewells....so much more than what I ever anticipated. Being stretched....pulled....out of the comfort zone and grown to new depths. My heart aches as I look at this land and those we have fallen so deeply in love with here and tears flow...excitement tempered a bit by the sobering reality that these are our last 24 hours....but hope and joy abide in the heart for all that lies ahead. Children eagerly count down hours as we finish last minute preparations. Energy they create in the house is high as they laugh and bring joy in every way. It's like sleepless Christmas Eve as anticipation of family and friends, good food and fellowship awaits.

We learned yesterday the landlord put carpet in the house. Carpet. All of it. Apparently they found it too expensive to go with laminate wood floors....which we forewarned them of sticker shock and for that very reason requested cheap laminate or tile.....but they ignored and carpeted the entire thing. And after being on the edge a little that was all it took to spur a meltdown. So, after growing infuriated I cried and then cried and then cried some more. I quickly saw our social life...not to mention the entire world...coming to an end. Carpet will be ruined in two days. Landlord said he is well aware of the fact carpet will be ruined but not to worry since they fully expect that and told husband to please put my mind at ease. But it offered no solace whatsoever. At that point I could care less about the landlord and what they were prepared for. All I saw was no longer being able to invite guests over or hosts out of town friends and family members due to the horrific nastiness of the stained floors. We specifically looked for a house with no carpet for this reason. So, I was mad, at my wit's end, a little exhausted and beyond the point of reasoning with. Ever patient husband knelt in front of me as I sat on the bed pathetically in my self pity and cried it all out, losing all sight of anything good and completely having lost my focus, and he comforted. He just sat and hugged and let me tearfully vent an entire week's worth of frustration and stress. He told me of how well I have done, how strong I have been, how he could never in a lifetime do this with anyone else in life and how this would not have even been possible without everything I have done as I have packed us and managed children and most meals throughout this entire process. He assured me we'd have carpet scotch guarded and would just build into our budget having it cleaned every 3 months. Of course, this offered no comfort at the moment as I pessimistically thought of how it would require bleaching every 3 days...not months. I pathetically asked him in my moment of insanity if we could just put one of those clear construction tarps down for new carpet and live on it over the top of the carpet for the 5 years we aniticipate being there. He smirked and answered, "Possibly." And then I cried over the the allergy factor and knowing this has the very real potential of making me sick quite a bit. And I tried to wrap my head around taking care of 11 kids while fending off constant sickness since we are moving from dry arid desert air to thick, wooded forest with rain and mold spores. All things never talked about but we were highly warned about by allergists and the ENT. Stuff that could potentially land me in the hospital.

But when I am rational I know in my head and heart I do not live in fear of sickness and I serve a God that is so much bigger than carpet....and dirt....and nastiness....and allergens. And if the people that would come see us have problems with issues I cannot control such as carpet in a rent house than they're probably better off not visiting at all.

So, I continued to cry for a good long while as he just held me, knowing I was beyond rational at that point. And he whispered sweet nothings in my ear until I cried myself out. With no energy left to cry anymore I wiped tears away, gained my composure, stood up and figured since there was no controlling it I needed a plan to deal with it. He kissed me long and hard and then said that we've come this far, we can definitely make it the rest of the way. I only have 2 days left of this insanity before this aspect of it is over and we embark on the next phase of this journey. I have come to realize in this that moving is a bit like an marriage engagement. The planning needs to be cut as short and sweet as possible. Do it, get it over with and get on the rest of the picture. 6 weeks of moving preparation was way too long. It needed to be about 3. Once you make up your mind to do it....just do it.

To be continued......

Cousin Asher at Brad's parents' during our farewell trip to the Midland area

Cousin Asher

Picture Journey of Baby #11 - 16.5 weeks

The shortest picture post ever.

Today in the jean thing against the wall...for one last time before the move. But it was seriously bright so refraining from squinting was pretty near impossible. And....I was smaller last pregnancy. Oh well. At least we know baby grows, is healthy, and all is entirely well. It all evens out in the end. It always does. I haven't gained any weight this pregnancy after gaining 12 in the 1st trimester and then losing it all. It's a little bit hard to sit down to eat in the midst of trying to get everything done. But growth is good and baby sounds good. It's a little surreal to know that I'm far enough along now to be able to find out what this baby is if we wanted to. I think with all the preoccupation with other things neither of us have wavered and we are still completely content to wait until birth day and be surprised.

And for comparison.....16 weeks last pregnancy...at this point still very unknowingly pregnant with twins. This is the only pic we got up against the wall. The others were taken inside against the black door. This one never made it to the blog since it's kinda obviously not exactly blog worthy...but it's the only one we took outside. I was a little paranoid about cars going by seeing us doing the picture thing and looking entirely stupid. Soo....I was busy watching for cars while Grayson took the pic. The flies were so bad we gave it up and went inside. Oh well. It was fun to be able to compare last pregnancy to this one. Although, it's not really mattering a whole lot seeing as how at this point last time around I was actually smaller.

I'm currently in the midst of packing totes of clothes for the road. All clothes are in each tote and everyone is packed. Just needs to be folded and organized. 1 1/2 more days to go. I'll work on more pics of the moving process as I can.

Just. Breathe.

Friday

6 days. Truck arrived today. Emotions are a little all over the place and I'm feeling a little bit, sorta, kinda overwhelmed. I've decided that 5 beers, a nanny, chocolate oatmeal cookies and a professional moving company would do my life some good right about now.

We made our last out of town trip this past Monday. Once on the road home the sobering reality was emotional as we realized we've now said Texas goodbyes to everyone and we question when we will see many of these friends and family again. Long talk into the night as we drive dark deserted interstate. Emotions run high as we begin to already miss these sweet friends and close family. I'm a little bit tired and a little bit exhausted so the tears flow freely but the ability to laugh and think something is funny is just as prevalent. And adoring husband knows me well. So he keeps me laughing....evident by a picture or two.

Saturday 11:21 pm

Today proved to be much better than yesterday. I managed to overcome the pity party that seemed to settle in by noon yesterday. Despite the fact errand running husband has every true, legitimate reason in the world to go to town everyday and be gone for 5-6 hours at a time....alone without any children I might add....I managed to reach my end as I focused on the fact the truck was coming, babies were everywhere getting smashed by waiting mattresses to be loaded, falling down concrete porch steps, and getting fingers stuck in box fans while older children griped and whined about the sudden increased workload the impending arrival of truck brought with it, and little boys gleefully smashed sisters' wooden shelves with a hammer while awaiting arrival of truck.

Yep....as that became my focus I quickly lost the joy to be found in the whole process and tears of mental insanity threatened. When town husband finally called saying the truck was arriving early and would be there in 20 minutes I'd kinda reached the end. So I held it together til he said he was hurrying home in an attempt to beat the truck and that he loves me dearly. My anger with him and bad attitude finally bubbled over and the tears came. I didn't say much. There wasn't much to say. He's carrying as much of the load as I am and being mad at him served absolutely no constructive purpose whatsoever. So, I held back the frustration, exhaustion, and angry words and in the struggle to maintain a good attitude tears began to fall....alot of them. He comforted as much as he could from 30 miles away with a moving truck only 15 miles away. So I managed to get off the phone, cry for another 10 minutes, pull it together, and meet the truck driver in much better spirits.

Crowds cheered as it backed down driveway and it was quite a celebratory event within the household. By nightfall husband and children had most furniture loaded and all boxes. My sanity stayed in question for the remainder of the day and by bedtime I was not quite as jolly as productive husband proved to be. Morning came and with it came pumpkin coffee, the little 5 off to sweet friends and a husband that would be home the entire day. The kitchen puked up it's entire stock of glassware and Brad saw my despair. There are 3 things in life I absolutely loathe....making bread, cutting up watermelon....and packing glass...or anything breakable for that matter...which is precisely why we don't own any decorative crap that is even remotely breakable.

So he packed glass while I packed everything else in the kitchen. How grateful I am for a husband that comes to my aid, sits in the floor with me and packs kitchen glass while I sort through boxed and containered pantry stuff. He won my heart over for the millionth time in life.

The remainder of house was packed and loaded on truck. Less than 48 hours after it's arrival truck is loaded and only bunkbed frames remain, as they will go in very last so the bulkhead doors shut against them. But, we're pretty much done, entire house is packed and loaded on truck and we are standing at 4 days until departure. We're living off paper plates, styrofoam bowls, plastic silverware, and dixie cups. Tin foil pans are awesome and I quickly learned I could grow very accustomed to this trash every dish in the house lifestyle. I'm quite certain the carbon footprint, tree hugging, whale saving, granola crunching, solar empowered, lake saving individuals are gonna love us for the next two weeks of our life.

But it makes my heart happy seeing a clean sink knowing all of our possessions are boxed and loaded ready for their journey east. And...it just makes me happy seeing a clean sink in general...moving or not.

Day ended on a much better note. 5 youngest returned home bathed, fed, happy, and ready for bed. I worked on cleaning as older ones played in 75 degree breezy night. There is a happy exhaustion that pervades. Sore muscles scream and back aches from bending, standing, lifting, setting, walking up a truck ramp carrying no less than 40 fifty pound boxes.

On an interesting note...we have 18 ft of a 24 ft trailer for a flat cost. After 18 ft we pay 122.00 per extra foot used. However, if we fail to use all 18 ft they give us 122.00 back per sq ft we did not use. Husband happily told truck driver he highly doubted we'd need all 18 ft. Driver smirked and said "Oh, just wait. They all say that." Then he laughed, I suppose, at our naïveté and the common mistake all movers make of substantially underestimating their possessions in life. I smiled and informed him we'd sold pretty much everything to make this move. He tipped his head and replied, " Well, maybe you stand a chance. But anybody with all these helpers (nodding towards his captivated, much shorter audience) is bound to take up some significant space."

With trailer only awaiting bunkbed frames we are currently sitting at 7 ft of space used. It helps that I married an expert in the field of truck loading and maximizing space. But, as it stands right now, it is estimated we will only use a total of 9-10 ft of the 18 ft given. Driver said an average family of 4-5 people use anywhere between 22-24 ft. I'd say we've done well at simplifying and keeping the crap quota at a reasonable minimum.

So, we are here and happy and my outlook on life has much improved with what we were able to accomplish today. Tomorrow we are home all day as I pack everyone for the road and for a week without the closet. We will arrive at our new home on Sat but the truck will not arrive til Tues of the following week. So I pack everyone up for a week of no clothes and then I pack closet up. Closet boxes will we loaded and bunkbeds will follow to complete the whole process.

Monday I shop for the odds and ends they need for much cooler weather. Tuesday we are home all day. Husband and I head out later that evening to grocery shop for the road. Wednesday we are home all day as van gets aligned and 2 new tires put on it. We'll drop it off very early morning and return home to prepare road food and load totes of grocery items. We'll return to town later that evening to retrieve it. And then....Thursday morning at 5 am we will begin the journey east....where rain, cooler weather, mountains, ocean, and sweet friends await.

And I should also add....the entirety of this post was made from my phone. I learned the hard way that once you begin a post via phone that it cannot be added to or edited on the real computer until it has been published. So, thoughts are a little unorganized and kinda scattered until I get used to thinking while attempting to tap a post out one letter at a time. Although, the automatic spell correction on this thing is pretty cool. And given the fact the keypad is 15 sizes smaller than one's fingertip neighboring letters seem to make up some interesting versions of words. Due to that small fact the spell corrector has proved quite invaluable so I do not spend the majority of my life undoing newly concocted, albeit strange, new words.

Anyway, as a result, pictures are seriously crammed together and thoughts are a little fragmented. But then they may just be fragmented in every regard simply due to the sheer fact that we are in the throws of moving to a home we've never seen, to a state 1500 miles away from the only home we've ever really known, to a job that he does not yet have, and with 10 kids in tow.....and pregnant. Crazy, happy, insanity. What would life be without walking on the wild side?