Until I Can Organize Thought Processes....some pics!

Carolina Rain

I've  begun 5 different posts all delving deeply into where we are, none of which are finished...may never truly be. So, for now, I will stick with pictures until I can wrap my head around where we are, embracing what is, and learning to give in to the pain, rather than fight it. Much like labor. Fighting it only proves to make it that much more painful and difficult. When submission to pain is finally learned and achieved the process goes much faster and is, ironically, less painful than fighting it to the very end.  So, I see many early morning revelries upon us, as I seek to write my way through it all. For after all, the only journey is the journey within....and this is proving to be quite the journey.

Until I can finish even one of the many posts I have going here's some of the fun of life at the current moment.

At exactly 4 months old he now holds 2nd place in teeth breaking records. What I had convinced myself was symptoms of the Hanta virus presenting in two of our children was merely two tiny teeth that finally broke through 2 days ago. I am so entirely not the paranoid parent but surviving on very little sleep for long periods of time does entirely crapped out things to the brain. I have never in my life been so glad to see two tiny teeth come through!  We celebrated!

 So, it's a little dark but this would be what 10 sick kids look like. 

And the missing one. He wisely chose to sit when he heard footsteps in hallway. 

Since I never exactly wanted 4 indoor cats to begin with, 3 promptly went back to where they came from and the remaining one has not seen fit to catch anything. At this point the mice are proving to be bigger than she is. So...we celebrated FINALLY getting our 1st sticky trap catch. We are now averaging 2 a morning. How much I love tons of little boys that live to awake every morning and run to basement to do trap checks....and are quite certain Christmas has come when they discover the catches of the day.

 Our Dr Suess worthy stack of decaying boxes. I will eventually get to them once again to toss what lies within and salvage what is salvageable. But, for now, at least they're stacked....kinda....and are out of the flood areas. We recently survived our 3rd flood below....and boxes were in the only area that does not see water! 

The heavy ones that can no longer bear any weight at all. 

Happy, monkey chewing, clothes folding buddy. 

Tiny baby mouse! It was horrifically cute and fluffy before Aubrey saw fit to try and drown it. 

Feels like home....except it's green.

And we have the first of many cases of pink eye! It's still going. 

And puking!

What a cart looks like when you have 11 sick kids and have irrationally planned a 1700 mile trip west and spontaneously gone to Walmart to shop for needed travel items. This First Aid kit was supposed to get us home. Kinda funny now. 3 bottles of anti-diarrhea, 2 cans of Lysol, 2 bottles of Benadryl, fever meds, upper respiratory meds, 5 bottles of hand sanitizer, 22 hours worth of Gatorade and vSaltine crackers, q-tips for pink eye use, cleaner for the puke that will inevitably miss a trash can, 10 bathroom size trash cans....and Oreos for the 22 hour, straight-through, nonstop drive I was planning on accomplishing. Who could go wrong with that????

2 days after stitches came out he takes a nose dive into desk drawer. This time a butterfly bandage did the job.

I'm kinda in love with the backwards, inside out, pink heart, size 3T panties.

 Crazy, wild Baby A....

When half have already been disbursed, kids are loaded and ready to go!

I think he's telling me he's ready to potty train. 

To wage the inside house war. All the wood flecks are where it chewed up the bottom of the door facing trying to get out. They certainly are destructive little turds. I just laughed.

There is undoubtedly a bright side to finally catching some of them. Kids finally get to have some gun fun again! Early morning target practice. 

Just to drive, dream and escape it all.....

1823 restored log cabin original to site. I'd call it home.

Sweet falling rain..

Open pastures...where the sun rises and sets....chickens lay eggs, dairy goats produce babies and milk, horses graze, cattle roam, gardens grow vegetables, and fruit trees produce apples, peaches and plums. Where little boys and a wild haired tiny girl run free, boys fish, ride bikes, husband and children hunt and trek to river that lies beyond woods. Where life here could be.....

To Die is Gain - Part 2

And so it was that I stayed angry and cried many disheartened, selfish, exasperated tears. He comes from behind, strong arms wrap around waist, tears blur stovetop being scrubbed. It seems petty now. To even write words brings shame. I look back once I have a grip on life, have slept a little and taken a step back to view the bigger picture....and it seems absolutely, totally, wholly, 100%, ashamedly self absorbed. But...at the time it was overwhelming, it hurt, and I'm a little bit tired of going uphill trying to swim in a hurricane. Angry words thrown out in the heat of the moment. "It says do not provoke your children to wrath. It says if a son asks for a piece of bread what parent gives him a stone...an egg, a snake. I don't even treat my own children like this. I do not push them to their edge where total resentment waits." Gentle husband reminds me that I do push...and push hard...because we know what rewards wait. They must know how to work, they must know self discipline, they must know follow through, they must know thoroughness. If they do not we have done them a huge disservice in life. How will they hold a job? How will they hold a marriage together if they do not know what it is to work for something, be persistent, work well at it? Everything takes work to maintain in life. And what you sow, definitely will be reaped.

 I continue to argue angrily and resentfully. "I do not tell them to do dishes and when they comply happily and with a good attitude give them yet the basement to do alone and when they have complied happily and cheerfully give them yet the entire yard on their own and when that is done happily do I keep going with laundry, van duty and on and on until finally I have found their flaw and pushed them over their edge so that I may then administer needed correction of attitude. I do not go until they break just to administer needed correction and find the flaw!" Disillusionment, abandonment, forsakenness cloud head and heart. I know the truth. I KNOW the truth. Or do I? I have seen Him work. We have seen the hand of a living God...so WHY do I hit my limit and just so easily give up when I hit this point? But I do....every. single. time. I angrily tossed out..."WHAT is the point of all this if He's going to push you to the edge of sanity where there is no good and faithful servant acknowledgment at the end. Cause if I had one coming it sure ain't comin' now! So why??!! Because I'm going to get to this point every time and I just ruin it. Or is it just that we have to repeat this vicious cycle until I finally get to the point where I tolerate it all with perfection...cause it'll never happen. And if that's the case we'll do this infinitely....for life. I feel so stuck. So, so, so stuck." More tears. As words escape lips immediately I am reminded of a moment merely 4 months ago. Baby's head proved to be so much larger than recent babies. 15 entire minutes of painful work as tears flowed and I uttered the exact same words..."I feel so stuck. It's not coming. I can't go forwards and I can't go backwards. Why can't this be over?" Tears flowed then just like they flowed now. And then....then came our 8th sweet boy, wide eyed and blinking at us.

Perspective didn't exactly change then but over the days it has slowly transitioned into pondering all of this thing called life and where we are....why we're here. I can't help but wonder what lies ahead. What are we working for? What are we laboring for? What magnificent wonder lies on the other side of it all? Is this transition? Are we spiritually birthing something far greater than what we realize...what we may never even know on earth? Or is it just the crappy end of the stick some people get in life? I don't believe that. I can say I question His very existence but I don't. I think the pain comes when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He exists....I've seen Him....heard Him....and He chooses to leave us here. But is not transition endured because of the baby that waits on the other side of it all? Is not a race run for the reward that waits at the end....the gratification of saying I've done it? While there is some physical benefits that accompany it the reward within is so much greater. There is no medal for first place or last place that takes precedence over the gratification of just having finished. There is a God. He lives. He loves. He does not abandon....despite my frustration, my disillusionment with Him, my anger, the absolute discomfort of walking this road.

Landlord...he is merely a man. Laughingly, pathetically...I write these words. How can one man so unnerve me? How can I allow one sad man to take all of my peace and steal my joy? What difference does it make if he saw the house dirty? He's not going to evict us. What difference does it make if he doesn't think my house is clean enough to make him happy. I'm not married to him and he's not living with me. What difference does it make if he thinks our children are unruly because we have stained, shockingly awful, muddy carpet? Why do I so feel the need to live up to everybody's standards...even still. Cause I'm not any pedestal person....and I just fell off of that one and hit with a thud....like I do every time somebody bothers to stick me up on one. It just does not matter. I do not live to make some mortal man happy. And words...they may tear down...but what do they hold coming from a person so unhappy and so lost in life? What do they hold from anyone if I lack the approval of a God that created something as large as heaven and earth and something so small as a ladybug? It took me telling this story twice to figure out just exactly how absurd it all is. What difference does it make if we know he's entering house but continue to be unable to prove it? Maybe one day he'll be so put out with it he'll bring his own vacuum over and do us a favor and clean up. Maybe he'll wipe down the table we didn't get around to or whatever other crap that drives him nuts. Until the day that we catch him...what difference does it really make if I failed cleanliness expectations he has set for his life? The man doesn't let his 12 year old or 2 year old daughters touch the walls with their hands because they might fingerprint it. So...yeah...don't see myself...or any of our eleventy kids....living up to that one anytime soon. Wives we know burying husbands, parents we know burying children yet I wallow in self pity and torrential tears because some dude walked into my house without permission and criticized what will absolutely make no difference in eternity.

So, still feeling the effects of his words a mere hour after it all occurred I defeatedly descended basement stairs. And upon the sight of it all more tears flowed. And I did what any mad person would do and I set to work a little determinedly. With angry motivation propelling self forward I tossed and chunked into designated organization corners. Tossing and chunking never fail to bring great gratification...especially when it involves throwing boxes the entire length of basement. Tears blinded work efforts as I realized how our life, 95% of the personal possessions we brought here, have been reduced to a pile of rubble. Our life now lies in deteriorating boxes, mold, mice crap, millipedes, mud and the damp dark confines of suffocatingly depressing basement. As I worked alone in silence it once again was so evident how nothing in this life matters. Nothing is permanent. What good did it do to keep the clothes? They have all been blown away by the mere puff of a God who cares more where my heart is than where our clothes are. What good did it do to keep all the books? With only one torrential downpour orchestrated by Him everything is drowned. What good does it do to try to hang on to anything? Isn't the whole purpose of life to  give myself away....what we have been given away? What good have I done if I have taken and not given? This could've been used for so many others but instead it sits rotting and wreaks of decay. As I worked tears of anger turned to tears of conviction. Wobbly stacks of boxes grew. Trash pile grew as bags upon bags and boxes were mounted in corner. One hour turned quickly into 5 as children came and went, babies played and I continued working steadily. By day's end  the basement task had been completed for the 2nd time in our 10 months here.

Sunday morning came. More hot tears flowed quietly as he spoke on refining fire. Conviction mixed with yet more anger brewed beneath surface. The goldsmith...it's not just a matter of turning up the heat like so many teach that it is. He must stir....continuously. Agitate. Impurities brought to surface. Heat is turned up again and stirring...agitation....continues. While heat is continually turned up agitation is continually performed. Until...in the end.....there is pure gold. Pure....free from impurities, unmixed with any other matter, having exactly the talents or skills needed for a particular  role. Pure...free from what weakens. And it will be said, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done." Hot, burning tears flowed.

As I sit and write having just recovered from mastitis a mere two weeks ago and now on yet more meds for a raging case of strep, oldest and tiny baby man run fever, two girls have pink eye, one has ear infection....my heart grows weary. We are in a place that we cannot move forward by any work of our own yet we cannot go back. We have exhausted our efforts of finding another rent home, we absolutely cannot buy at this point, any job enabling us to return home does not exist. We are here for a reason. We have been brought  to this place in life for a reason. We are absolutely incapable of doing anything on our own and whatever gets us unstuck from this place will be absolutely supernatural in nature....one that no man has the ability to argue. But let me not grow weary in doing good for at the appointed time we will harvest a good crop if I do not give up or quit. How true this is:


"It’s said that it took Winston Churchill three years to get through the eighth grade because, believe it or not, he had trouble with English. It’s somewhat ironic, then, that some years later Oxford asked him to speak at its commencement exercises. He arrived with his usual props – a cigar, a cane and a top hat. As he approached the podium, the crowd rose in appreciation and applause. He motioned for them to be seated and when they had quieted down, he removed the cigar from his mouth and carefully placed his top hat on the podium. And then he began. With quiet authority, he said, “Never give up!” Several seconds passed and then he said once again, “Never give up!” A profound silence fell upon the crowd as he reached for his hat, put his cigar back in his mouth and descended the speaker’s stand, cane in hand. And as he did, the crowd erupted into thunderous applause."


There IS a greater reward. I grieve for those who are under the assumption there is not. The disciples...they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death. Life is radical when death is the reward. Total death of self so that I may rise and be more than ever possible because of Him. May I die so that His glory be obvious to those around. If any of me remains in the picture than I have failed at radiating His glory...the very purpose and nature of my existence and time on this earth.

"Too long have we been waiting for one another to begin! The time for waiting is past! Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, before the sleepy, luke warm, faithless, namby-pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God....and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing aloud in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God, not the sickly stuff of talk and dainty words and pretty thoughts; we will have a Masculine Holiness, one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ." C.T. Studd



"Life is only radical when death is viewed as the reward. When we consider the promises of Christ, risking everything we are and everything we have for His sake is no longer a matter of sacrifice. It's just common sense. Jim Elliot once said, "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose." Radical obedience to Christ is not easy; it is dangerous. It is not smooth sailing aboard a luxury liner; it is sacrificial duty aboard a troop carrier. It's not comfort, not health, not wealth and not prosperity in this world. Radical obedience to Christ risks losing all these things. But in the end, such risks finds its reward in Christ. And He is more than enough for us." Radical p.181

So it is that I continually learn what it is to die to self so that I may gain Him and all of Him. To live is Christ and to die is gain. May my life reflect His glory through my own weaknesses. May He use the ugly and make it beautiful so His glory can be seen and be undeniable. I may reach my limit but I will choose to keep going because the reward at the end is so much greater than the temporary comfort of giving up and quitting now.




Who am I to complain of discomfort when He gave His very own life so that I may live in Him? May I die daily to self, and when the moment comes that I fade away from this world and breath is taken from me, let it be said that I have lived and known Christ and in my death there was nothing but total reward...gain.....the approval of a heavenly Father, my very Creator, that will fix translucent, steel blue, passionate eyes on me and smile....radiant, gentle smile....and speak softly, "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done."

To Die is Gain - Part 1

This is not what I intended to write about when I had time. I have plenty of funny stories that surround the past few months of our life. But then it comes....and I can no longer stand. I had this titled "The Breaking Point"....but I refuse to break, give up, lose hope, or fall in the face of adversity. I refuse to give in when we have come so far. Now is the time to dig deep, pull up my bootstraps and carry onward despite how over the edge I can be pushed. It is so very much like running. So much so, in fact, it is the only thing in life to which I can equate this journey other than perhaps birthing a baby. I loathe the first mile of a run. It hurts, I'm out of breath, I'm uncomfortable, I'm miserably hot or painfully cold, lungs burn. It sucks. so. bad. The end of the 1st mile nears and I never fail to be quite certain death is fairly imminent. But then there comes a cross over point in the misery that I lose sight of all the discomfort and one foot begins to mechanically fall in front of the other. It becomes robotic of sorts. Mind finally takes flight and another realm of mind, body, spirit is entered. Somewhere within, body powers over screaming mind in a very mechanical state and mental state overcomes burning muscle, heat/cold misery, seemingly inadequate oxygen supply....another plain of existence is entered. Real life. In the pain I am more alive than I have ever been. In the pain I find myself. In the pain I dig deeper than ever before and realize exactly what I am capable of when I am pushed to the brink and choose to continue forth. I have a choice. I can quit. I can quit, go home and be comfortable. I did, after all, get some form of exercise. I did, in fact, run almost a mile. Are there not benefits to be gained by running almost a mile? I HAVE A CHOICE. And despite the misery I move forward. Why? I lay in bed and ponder this. I ponder because it is very much like our spiritual and very physical journey at this point. So what makes me keep going when I run....or birth a baby.....but give up so easily when it comes to matters of the heart with God? Passion runs blood red in veins and I pursue life with every ounce of it....including my very own walk with God. I am madly deeply in love yet I can just as easily scream and yell at Him and throw crap out of total desperation and hopelessness....and I mean absolute, give-up frustration with Him...to the point that I question absolutely everything that I am and He is. Things I do not even do with my own earthly husband. I know my earthly husband loves me enough that he would never in a lifetime do anything to hurt me. We do not fight. We do not yell. We do not hurt each other. There is a mutual respect that runs ocean deep. We disagree, we grow irritable, we don't see eye to eye on absolutely everything....but we find the compromise. We do not play the blame game ever and when we disagree we keep it to facts and do not resort to ugly, mean tactics in an effort to punish the other. So, why do I feel the freedom and need to blame God for absolutely everything in life? Because I know enough to know that my husband is not in control...but God is. My husband did not move us up here on his own and drag me along. We did not do this without being in agreement. There is nowhere to lay blame on him. We prayed and sought the heart of God.....and we both felt this to be where God was drawing our hearts. We felt the urgency to walk in obedience...because neither of us could imagine ever living outside the will of  God and when you are walking the wild side, the edge, the radical, nothing is off limits for a God who seeks to mold and use. So then we get here, all hell breaks loose and it is safe to deduce this is all God's doing. And I grow angry. Really, truly, outrageously angry.


I have survived no income for 6 entire months, ticks, the loss of hope of returning home, birthing a baby and 24 hours later an absent academy husband, ticks, death of relationships, jeopardized health, questionable house, questionable landlord, not just one but two floods, loss of the few material possessions we had left, the destruction of all organization I had ever worked towards, mice, leaks, shower doors, toilets, carpet, no a/c in the primary vehicle I drive, stitches, and then the loss of a/c in the house. I felt I had weathered the storm fairly well. It certainly was not ideally perfect and I am certainly no example as to how one could possibly survive the hardships in an ideal manner but I felt it wasn't as bad as it could've been. After all, nothing could ever in a lifetime rival the year of '09. I can handle anything now through Christ Jesus because I have been battle hardened and these were all merely minor discomforts. My motto since being here has slowly transitioned into "It's not that bad."

But what happens when it is THAT bad and you reach the breaking point??? What then? And so we were to find out. I laughed with all of my being as shower door fell off, I laughed when faith house did not materialize into reality, I laughed at mice, I laughed when I knew that growing contentment here is the right thing to do and I began to stab tack holes into white fingerprinted walls. I laughed....because the joy of the Lord is my strength. But then it came.

Oldest was due to arrive home after a week long absence attending Scout summer camp. He was deeply missed by all. I am absolutely head over heels in love with each of them and when  even one goes missing all of world is not the same. Everyone grew excited of his return and all begged to go. So, with husband at eye dr children and I load into un air conditioned van to greet the missing one. 11AM temps stickily soared into the upper 90's. But we were happy. We arrive to see tan, broad shouldered, confident, happy man child...though now more man than child. Children played happily outside of van in sun, wind and stickiness. Water bottles were used to keep hot babies cooled down within shade of van while we waited for badges to be distributed to scouts and belongings to be unloaded from trailer and gathered by boys. Continuing forth to fuel an empty tank we patiently sat in heat and I thanked the Lord out loud in front of children that we have a vehicle that runs and He provides enough to put diesel in a bottomless tank. We are provided for and we are not stuck at home, as we have known that discomfort as well. So it was that we chatted happily and headed towards our house that currently sat at 86 degrees. But upon turning into driveway life took a turn....and so did all of my attitude and every ounce of goodness and sanity I had left. Landlord stood on property without us present and we finally were able to confirm suspicions of his presence on our property while we are away. He waves and I was left to face him without husband by my side. Small talk aside he launches into state of house. Of all days for us to catch him in the act and him entering our home without prior permission or notice. Vacuum has been broken for a week and a half...sits in shop. Our dining table sits on carpet. Put that equation together. Basement overwhelms brain. After 2nd flood and mice I entered a state of not dealing with it....and it sits abandoned. Weak and decaying boxes sitting everywhere, clothing strung out....some salvageable, some hopelessly lost. Boxes that no longer hold any structural integrity, unable to stack.  Dust, dirt, dried red mud, trash, toys ruined by water...and a me that no longer wants or has the ability to deal with it all. Because with every hard rain it floods yet again. And there is nowhere to store anything within house. Somewhere in the deal I could not imagine having  to face it again. So I didn't. Hours and hours and hours of work already tackled once....sitting once again. Starting over from square one.

With oldest returning two hours before estimated arrival time we left hurriedly. Dumped out baskets of shoes and clothes babies saw fit to string out, kitchen duties unfinished, dirty dishes in sink, cabinets not wiped down. And carpet....well it hasn't seen an upright vacuum in a week and a half. It has seen the end of a shop vac hose in the worst of places. Other than that...it sat untouched. I refuse to ever leave the house without it being straight and clean. We do not swim until chores are completed. We do not do happy hour until chores are completed. We do not run errands until chores are completed and all is neat and in order. But this....it was a quick, unplanned, spontaneous 30 minute eagerly anticipated trip to bring oldest home. And we walked away from it all.

And landlord entered. Then decides to launch into state of house. Usually kind, patient, good natured self was tested. He places blame for mice. He places blame for flooding. He places blame for state of basement. He criticizes child rearing ways, and the very children themselves...and he tore down all of life...absolutely everything in which I invest 100% of my time, energy and effort.....the only thing I do day in and day out. Feeling vulnerable, violated, accused, completely and totally unprotected, absolutely abandoned and with a past history of failing miserably at confrontational skills I decided to stand up to this lying, illegally entering, sad, pathetic bully man. For only the 3rd time in life I was pissed off beyond the highest level of pissivity and I mustered all the courage and strength I had and launched into him....months of landlord unrest coming to the surface. I stood tall and stated angrily..."Well...it would help if you would actually give us some notice before you decide to enter and wander nosily through our house without prior permission." He throws hands in air and states his innocence and fact he did not enter home yet only minutes before he tells me things he would never in a lifetime know unless he had entered. Each and every time he has entered home while we are present it has been in pristine condition. I raise eyebrows to his statement of innocence and retort, "I don't believe that." He swears again he did not enter and I grow angrier. His entrance cannot be denied, as he states things directly to me he would never in a lifetime know had he not entered without us present. He then takes me to a/c unit and tries to convince that nothing is wrong despite house temps rising to 86 during daylight hours in main areas and reaching as high as 89 and 90 in two of three bedrooms. Once again he launches back into disarray of basement and I state angrily, "It flooded!! Twice! We lost everything we had!! And it will flood again....and again! We have been through so much here and I cannot deal with the basement over and over and over again. It is what it is and I'll deal with it...AGAIN....when I get to it."

Absent husband drove up and I walked away from landlord seething. Upon entering house in messy state tears came and I hit the breaking point. Absolute total anger at God. This proved to be too much. Everything I work towards at home, everything I work towards in our children, torn down, shredded, stomped on and left to blow away in the wind. I screamed at God..."Where are you??!!! You have left us here!! We obeyed and left it all, sacrificed our entire lives to come here and you do this to us!! We do not even have a place to come home to away from the world, prying eyes, nosy people, no escape at all, no respite. You have LEFT us!!! Is this what people get when they follow You??!! Total abandonment???!!! You either do not exist or, even worse, You do and you do this crap to your people! WHERE is the God that saves His people? WHERE is the God that parted the red sea, where is love in abandonment? Where is love in pushing to the breaking point??!! If it's spiritual warfare where is the protection?? If it's the torture chamber where is the reprieve? If it's Your so called love why do You feel the need to lets someone come in and tear down the very little we had left, the very essence of who I am and what I work towards...character in life, character in our children, making a home out of the little we have here, organization, structure. WHERE are you??!!!" So I cried and I cried and I cried angry, seething, passionate, broken tears while husband dealt with landlord asshole...cause I was not above giving him a new title....and children came to report news as they conversed. No more bike riding on property, dogs no longer kennel in basement, nothing wrong with a/c, no attempts to fix it, and on and on....as we continue to search the world over for rental houses and are turned away at every call....as we wait for God to move on our behalf and He just sits and continues turning up the heat with no reprieve at all. And I decided how He loves us is a crock of bullshit and I'm done.

Raw, naked honesty, people. To be continued.

Picture Catch Up

 Afternoon escape. This was not nearly the feat I thought it would be to do with shift husband working. With many, many thanks to great, one street over neighbors and amazing church family our children all know how to swim, as of this year. Babies stay in life jackets and boats while Gavin and Ivye are required to keep their's on unless someone is one on one with them. All others are swimming like fish. While Gavin and Ivye both are learning well they are still too young and inexperienced for me to have great confidence in them. Having come from the desert with no pool around they have all made great strides in their water abilities in such a short amount of time.  

My sweet little laundry man.

Evidence of Baby A having been around.....

Watching Daddy roll.

He's preparing for his future hunts.

Wild forest finds.

This sight never gets old. How I continue to stand in awe at these miracles of ours. Two of everything. It's an amazing thing....despite how much they get into every hour of every day.  

I am in love. Wholly, totally, head over heels in love with this boy.

It didn't last long.

A picture says a thousand words. Uncontrollable laughter followed while Grayson saw fit to run through the house with door in hand. The knobs have all fallen off the 1972 dishwasher, the dish racks fallen out, the oven drawer now sits on the floor due to supports having rotted away and oven racks fall every time a heavy dish is set upon them...due to cheapy having brought the most inexpensive he could find....rather than ones that actually might FIT THE OVEN. And we are not allowed to have anyone come in and fix anything or fix, touch or buy anything ourselves. Landlord's response to doors falling off everywhere...and I mean everywhere...closets, glass storm door, shower doors, bathroom linen closet door.....excessive rough use by kids. Last time I checked our doors at home we're still swinging after 5 years and 10 kids worth of use. Oh the memories we will have of this place. Suffice it to say, we now have a rather modern looking walk in shower....with no door! Admiring husband doesn't seem to mind. One of the surprising benefits that came in the deal was finding that no door substantially cut back on the shower mold and mildew issues. Pretty cool!

When you can't get in the frig cause of a baby lock....

 Settling in. Unpacking and finding contentment in the here and now. He said we couldn't put nails in the wall....he never exactly said anything about tacks. And it took about 50 tacks to get this all up! I laughed every time I stabbed one in the wall.

 Shift night dinners. Doesn't get much healthier than this!

Meet Hulu, Vudu and Netflix. Our mice solution. So Netflix and Hulu ended up being feral basement cats while Vudu and Bing are quite the family friendly felines.

Yep. Two of the 3 bedrooms reached 89 and 90. Little bit warm.

10:30 pm waiting for the house to cool down. Nothing like a little late night Walmart with 11 kids in tow. 

 Bing and her fan club.

With Grayson at scout  camp and working husband on shift this is where the other 11 of us spent July 4th. We waited 30 minutes to see all 5 spectacular minutes of this fireworks show. Awesome.

How he walks around all day long. Surprisingly, the cat's still alive. 

Almost 4 months old. Happy, handsome man. My little promise that God will raise us up in the gates of the water land. Doesn't get much sweeter than you, little man. 

Unplugged

My mind churns like a washing machine. Where to even begin to start. Much freedom to write details about our life has been lost over time. Judgers, condemners,  and those with such contempt that they really will go as far as to call in authorities on our situation. I do not stand in fear of authorities due to the fact I know they will find nothing and dismiss it as bogus calls from those who have never met us. For that reason, I continued forward in leaving the blog open. Many innocent readers have been cut off in the switch from public to private. Who knows....maybe someday I'll write a book...think there is no doubt by anyone that I use enough words to write no less than a trilogy. And maybe all those cut off in this deal will read to find out just how the story all ends. But, once searching husband and I both realized how heavy the attacks have become there has come a need for removal and just a time to be still. Words....they hold so much weight. Neither of us underestimate the ability for words, spoken by those with ill intent or even merely the reality show onlookers, to gain ground on us, become a foothold for satan to work, and/or lay claim to that which is not his. And right now we are feeling very exposed. I was initially opposed to blog privacy and the stepping back from Facebook, as this is also an avenue of great encouragement at times, but there is also a mental clutter that can accompany it as well. Sometimes....even jealousy for how some people seem to just skate by in life.

I look at us....the pattern we seemed to have established...and I wonder why. I don't want to be that needy person...always a victim. We have yet to be in a place of normalcy in this state. Was it wrong to come? There is not one ounce of doubt in me that we acted in obedience to come. Like....seriously....not even one.  And despite temptations to go home there is nothing to be gained by returning....except maybe the return to a reputation of self sufficiency....if he could even get a job. But is that really what we're after? If we're committed to living totally abandoned to Him wouldn't that mean total dependency on Him as well? And at this point we truly are in a place of total dependency on Him. No one can help us. People feel sorry for us...but no one can really fix it due to the nature of just how it is. It's a little disturbing to feel as though our reputation is always of being in turmoil. But, as of now, it just is what it is. It seems as though we'll hit hurricane status and then the calm after a storm comes. And at this point, neither of us have a peace about returning home. For as much as we've endured and continue to endure in this state we have been just as surrounded by absolutely amazing people that we have come to love in every regard. Friendships that turn to family, people that love our children as much as we do, people that pull together to help when the going gets seriously tough. A window a/c unit to use until summer heat dissipates, box fans, those making calls helping us search for other rental homes, those far across the ocean researching rodent infestation treatments, neighbors that for no reason at all have thrown wide open the gates of their private pool for our family at any time, even those that have opened up their homes to us until house temps come back down. We have been supernaturally covered and favor has been given, despite this uphill climb. I didn't use to cry...rarely ever, actually. But this overwhelming favor and grace of God, the beginning of this understanding and the depth and breadth and width of His presence, His being, His grace....it's a life altering walk...and tears come. Night falls, darkness pervades, walls inhale, exhale with the breath of these 12 people in my life and I ponder all this thing called life. So many tears....gratitude, grace, mercy, unconditional love, freedom, forgiveness, fulfillment, joy, provision, all consuming peace...each word goes a thousand miles deep and a thousand miles wide. Each word carries the story of our life. And I wonder....why me. Maybe because the radical life is the one of freedom. Maybe because in living radically the body may suffer but in the affliction understanding of death of self is born. It's not about us.

So what happens when you decide to take the leap...sell out, leave family, leave your little drought ridden paradise to walk on the wild side? Wasn't it supposed to get better....cause, after all, you get blessed when you obey...right? At this point I can recite the plagues of NC by name....7 of them to be exact. But is it a plague running us out...back to home....attacks due to having completely shaken heaven and earth by our growth and the warriors we are becoming.....or consequences for just some seriously bad decisions on our part. I recently reread the book Radical....a book absolutely every one should read....Christian, non Christian and everyone in between. I started it in late '09 but was so mad at God at that point I only made it about 1/4 way through before laying it aside. But upon reading it once again...everything within me resonated with each word. And upon starting and finishing it within 4 days I realized it was like someone having written a book about us, never having known us or  met us or heard our story. And it was as though our little family has walked this book out without ever having read it. It was undoubtedly encouraging...but sobering in every regard too. Which brings us to this place in life. Are we missionaries in North Carolina? Umm....no. But I do think we are walking out the learning process of what it is to draw near to the heart of God and live a life very few other people will ever be willing to live. That's becoming a little obvious at this point. I am not even close to joking when I say this journey is not for the faint of heart. But the views of Him are pretty spectacular.

 Views of mice and ticks and landlord's butt cracks. Which brings us to the more humorous side of life.

I'd completely lost all ability to blog about certain aspects of these tribulations due to the awesome "concerned readers" or the nature of exposing people publicly. And now? Now it is time to tell the whole story. It'll take a few posts to get caught up but someday in life....far in the future...we'll love these stories and we'll laugh even harder than we are laughing now. So as time permits I will now write of ticks, choke holds, broken a/c's, psychotic kids, lazy landlords, mice, stitches and more.

I write here unplugged, uncensored, uncut and off record for the first time in a very long while and the excitement of writing returns. We rest from Facebook, public scrutiny, public blogging, and only this remains. Facebook accounts will be left open in order to view and supervise the interaction of our children with others but, for now, all posting and keeping up has been suspended. May brain clutter subside, mental clarity enhanced, listening skills refined, time management fine tuned, freedom return, and the desire to blog it all revived!

Unschooled and Ordinary

I fall to my knees and cry out in total abandonment to God. Who am I that God of creation, God of the universe would use me....use our family....to show His glory. That He would use me as a vessel through which to pour out His goodness and show His glory is incomprehensible to me. I stand at ocean's edge and try to wrap my head around how small I am and how big He is. A fleeting breath of wind, a mere grain of sand among trillions yet He hears the cry of my heart and He listens. He cares and He answers. It's like trying to wrap the arms of understanding around the base of Everest. When I've only begun to see his height, his depth, his breadth....life changes, discomforts fade, there is truly unimaginable joy in seeing the impossible made possible because of Him. Who am I that he would use me? Who are we that He would use our family to demonstrate His love to the world? I turn into Him and see with new eyes. This house we occupy...it's a gift, an opportunity to love the unloveable. The landlord.....he thinks the world of us and is asking us not to leave. Despite all of my griping he honestly loves each and every one of our kids and sings their praises. His overprotective nature comes from a true love for them, as he parents his own children this way also. He sees in Brad and our children what he longs for in life. Fulfillment and joy...and he longs to be there. I drop to knees and ask of the Lord repeatedly..."Why us? Why have you pursued and not given up???? Why are we here with You?" And over and again I hear...it is confirmed in so many ways, "Because you are unschooled and ordinary. You are nothing. I am all." It is not until we are stripped of it all that He can come in and show Himself through us. We have been stripped of pride. We have endured the judgement of the world as knowledge of what happened was known. Judgement that we failed as parents. Judgement that we had too many kids to adequately look out for the wellbeing of each and we suffered one of the most disastrous consequences because of it. People rallied around us to support us but many stood in judgement and total condemnation over what we had "allowed" to happen. Pride...it burned to ashes in the pain. And I know that without Him I am not capable of anything. Pride does not exist when you have been taken to such lows. ...because I know deeply that tomorrow I am capable of failing so devastatingly yet again. I. Am. Not. Adequate. But because of a God that loves me more than life itself...His own life...He will sustain and heal and raise up the broken just so others may see His glory.

Summer....heat...July....it is an earth shaking annual reminder that I am nothing. But Jesus+nothing=everything. Seems a little elementary. Too elementary. But when I add me into the equation...Jesus+me=complete inability to work. Because there is no room for me when there is communion with him And I find that the safest place to be. There is no reputation to uphold because I know more than ever that I can never in a lifetime maintain any kind of pedestal status. The only thing I can be is real. And honest and forthright in everything that I do.

There is no salvation in the law and total legalism. There are no boundaries in a life where every act is covered in grace and it's a christian idealism that it's easier to get forgiveness than permission. There is only Him. In Him and through Him, through His words, there is total balance. There is grace, there is forgiveness, there are boundaries. There is total, all consuming joy that most people in the world will never know. It won't ever be known until it is realized that the watered down, American Jesus that apathetic, comfortable Christians portray isn't really Jesus at all. It's not the Jesus of the Bible. It's the comfortable American Jesus. Pick and choose what you wanna follow so no discomfort is ever experienced. But in the discomfort and dying to self comes total, all consuming, absolute supernatural joy....when one's heart is stayed on Him..... what I can accomplish for Him....rather than what He can do for me. Total death of self.

I see Him in our children. I see and hear about their visions for life. I stand in awe that they are learning from us in this journey what it is to follow and long for Him. Hearts submitted at early ages. That they have been spared what I was taught growing up....that they do not have a lifetime of false teachings to overcome. That as we lay down self and learn to live in radical abandonment to Him, so they are taught also.

Unschooled and ordinary. I failed every English class I ever took. I am not an educated writer. My sentences get too long and over half are run-ons. The posts are way too long for any person to ever survive. I say politically incorrect things. I cuss and offend. I scream and yell at my kids and then blog about it. I gripe. I whine. I complain. I entertain week long pity parties. But somewhere in there He has saved to make his glory known through us. He uses the highly fallible and broken....the one stripped of all reputation, all pride, everything this world esteems....to make known His power. And in being stripped of everything the unattainable joy is attained when we finally realize what it is to draw near to him.....cling to Him for our very life. Because without him there is no life....there is merely existence. Absolute, total desperation. It's a beautiful thing. In the physical discomfort, the death of self, comes total fulfillment in Him....only if you move beyond the self centered nature of fallible human-ness and embrace the bigger vision of Him. There is a world he longs in which He longs to make himself known through those that are willing to be used.

He has answered us in our constant fervent intercession of this house. As we have driven there and walked and prayed for about an hour each day over the course of the last 5 weeks He has come and done things we never in a lifetime saw coming. Given us visions far beyond just a house. Visions of opening up the doors to so many. Visions of a house of faith and blessing to others. How 12 years of vacancy can be turned into something that proclaims that He lives and His glory and splendor is unsurpassed. That he lives, breathes, ad still moves mountains so that all will testify of His existence. Slowly, over the past few weeks as we have sought His heart and prayed, it has become a story that's not about us, but all about Him. That those who doubt may see that He still lives. And though disappointment would be experienced on our part I know that He doesn't have any reputation to uphold. We reached a place that, despite our desires, if He didn't move in this situation it was just ok. Day after day we prayed. We checked mail for a supernatural work as each day our outlook began to change. It's not about our comfort but what we can accomplish for Him....what he can do through us to make Himself known.

We attended auction yesterday. Children sat quietly against wall and place began to fill. People perusing and studying home we already know by heart. Home now filled with the prayers entire family has prayed as He has given vision. Vision of home filled with people wanting to know Him intimately, searching as we are. Vision of home filled with 11 children and yet more from the nations who have been added to our family. Little disciples being trained to go back out into the world making Him known to the nations. Laborers of love as they make His presence known to those around them. Passionate disciples for Him raised in a house of faith in a little prayer closet out in the woods.

People gathered. Auctioneer began. No takers. Beginning bid was dropped. No takers yet again. People filled expansive downstairs of home. Nothing. Finally man came forward. "I'll give you 10,000.00."
Auctioneer "Well, I'll take it as a starting bid but we'll have to go up from there. Bank'll never accept it."

He worked to get to 20,000.00 where bidding ended. He made the call to pack it up, as it was a total waste of time for everyone. No contract could be written as bids were so far below reserve price. And all walked away with house still sitting, prayed over in every regard. God did not shut the doors for us and the vision lives on. Auctioneer and old man friend came to talk to our family at length, loving on kids, teasing and talking....falling in love with family. They walked away, after hearing our story of this house and being told why we could not bid and the faith story, and now are praying on our behalf as well. As our story has traveled we now have 2 entire churches praying and a multitude of people praying as well. Others waiting...watching....a world of people who refuse to believe watching to see if He exists. And yesterday...infamous auction day....it did not become our's but neither did it sell. And so the fervent prayers continue with growing excitement and anticipation of watching him work. Not only is it not over....our story has only just begun! Oh that we may live a life that screams that He lives. Wholly and totally, completely ruined for the ordinary.

Let it be noted that we are limited to phones and 3G Internet access until the 1st. Blogging at any length on a phone is a bit difficult and thoughts are hard to convey. Any amount of blogging will be entirely limited until the 1st.

The Sick Files

I know I wear this day book thing out...but I'm bored. Activity within the brain has been slowed at this point so creative blogging is non existent at the moment. The day book thinks for me....and relieves boredom. You know it's bad when even Angry Birds, Draw Something and Words with Friends phone games no longer even hold my attention. They were fun....for the first 5 hours. Moving on now. And no, this is not a pity post. This is a random, total waste of my time and even bigger waste of your time post due to absolute boredom.

Outside my window....

people that are walking, running, P90Xing and Insanitying with no fever.

I am thinking.....

that it's a bit ironic for one to suddenly have so much spare time in bed to do any number of computer related projects and all I want to do is lay here and not move.

I am thankful......

for dr's....even though it was a foreign, on call male dr that just HAD to do a boob exam since it was, after all, a boobie related visit. I hate going to the dr. 3 women midwives and none ever had to do a "mastitis exam". But the one foreign male dr.....yep....he sees reason to be "thorough". After 11 kids and just as many cases of mastitis I think I know my body pretty well and what is wrong with it. There is no reason you have to go looking at it....unless it turns into MRSA like The Marathon Mom's experience with it. I think if it were not for my husband dragging my butt up there I would be content to never see a dr. I can only hope I brightened his day by my little boobie visit.

I am wearing.....

sick clothes. And no...by the very nature of that name they are not even close to being sexy.

I am hearing....

Blue's Clues as 9 out of 11 kids are piled in bed with me.

I am remembering....

that my fever has just now gotten below the 102 mark for the 1st time since yesterday afternoon, despite outrageous doses of Tylenol and Motrin.

I am going.....

to avoid the dr's office at all cost for the next little while. Those poor people know us by name now.

I am reading....

nothing. My eyeballs are burning along with the rest of my body.

I am hoping.....

that the Lord will see that despite the darts being thrown at us right now and the spiritual warfare raging in the heavens we'll be persistent and continue to press in.

On my mind.....

that my BP was 92/50 the first time and 98/50 thereafter. Who knew blood pressure could be so good.

I am noticing....

when I stay in bed for the day the whole house kinda goes to crap in record time. Based on the sounds I have heard intermittently throughout the day I am uncertain as to whether it will still be standing tomorrow.

I am pondering.....

the fact that when one is young and running 102 they still have the capacity to be up and running around, yet running 102 at the age of 36 is capable of making one feel like they are near death.

So...tomorrow....24 hours after starting antibiotics....I should be good to go! Dr says to stay in bed and just nurse for the next few days...but since that is nowhere near being a fathomable option I might as well hit the ground running. So....back to P90 tmrw!

.....and then I woke up this morning, tomorrow has arrived and and it's just not looking too promising. Still in pain....and still running fever. I will prevail!! Tomorrow.


On a more serious note....we are very much in a spiritual battle that began 9 months ago when the decision was made to follow in radical obedience to what we felt the Lord was asking us to do. As the list of what we have fought and are currently fighting continues to grow I am beginning to take great comfort in knowing satan would not be trying this hard if we were not shaking up heaven and earth. I have been reminded that the Lord allowed satan to test Job to show satan Job would not waver. So with everything we have already dealt since being here and now dealing with both washer and dryer going out simultaneously 2 days ago, I am in bed with this, Grayson has strep, and the list continues this came to mind this morning. I have read Romans 8 all my life but not until now has it really become real and begun to have any kind of depth of meaning. We will press in and continue to push forward searching for Him and seeking Him with all of our heart, growing in wisdom and in truth as individuals, as a couple and as a family. I find it interesting that the word "love" is translated into "favor" in Romans 8. God has plans to use us greatly.

Life in pics.....

We traded the rattlesnakes out for these. I had actually grown to live in peace with our reptilic friends. They rattled to keep us away and we respected them and kept our distance. These turd snakes make no noise. The just sneakily sit and wait under the leaves...which on the ground with the leaves....your eyes have to be trained to see them. Otherwise they look just like the habitat through which they slither. Poisonous, crapped out, turd snakes.

Are there even any words needed????