Random Thoughts of a Sleepless Night

......forgive the incoherency of them and any typos. It's currently 4:14 am and my brain tends to wonder and jump haphazardly and a bit erratically from one thought to the next. 

It's a crazy thing to be quiet for so long. It's peaceful. Life changes a person. It always does. For better or for worse. No matter how hard I fight it, struggle with it, or resist change it's like blue waves continually washing up upon shifting sand....continuously shaping, rearranging, molding, sculpting the inner being...heart, mind and soul. And I can only hope that once we emerge from it all I will be transformed, reshaped, no matter how painful, how long, how amazing, or how climatic or anti-climatic the road that was walked to get there. I hope that I will be a kinder, gentler, more compassionate, merciful, loving person and that my children will have been taught how critical these are in life because of all that I have learned....that we have learned together as a family. I know this message becomes a bit of a broken record on here but the road we have traversed and the transformation of own heart leaves mind to ponder so much about life....about people. 

What would've sent me reeling just 18 months ago is now just life. I ponder whether I've settled for less in life, have grown weary and just given up, have just realized what it is to accept reality or whether maybe it's just a paradigm shift in attitude. Maybe all of this has just conditioned and strengthened, toughened up and battle hardened spirit. Shaped a weak person into something of strength....someone that appreciates so much more in life than before....someone that sees beauty in the little things...someone that doesn't crack or waver in adversity. Someone that sees with new eyes....someone that has had heart eyes opened wide....or maybe just had them opened for the first time ever. There has grown incomprehensible compassion for those the church has turned away in their hypocritical walk and religious and spiritual rhetoric.....the rejected, the ones that "don't measure up, don't live by the same "convictions", the ones that dare parent differently, worship differently, believe differently, live differently. I used to think I knew it all....kinda. Or at least had a good portion of life down. You know...by the time you get to kid #6 or 8 you think there's just not many other surprises life can throw you. Parenting....it's easier by that point. Life....you've gotten older with some life experience under your belt. "That would never happen to me or my child" still resides....sometimes just as bad, if not worse, than the mentality that accompanied the birth of your first one or two children. It'd be easy to set up my own piece of cyber world with advice, tips, how to's and the seeming instruction manual to growing the perfect family with picture perfect kids of all ages all lined up in perfect stair stepped order. A person is prone to growing comfortable....and arrogant. 

And then.....

And then......the unthinkable does happen. The thing you swore could never happen to you....your children too watched, too protected, their friends above reproach, your parenting too thorough. And it's not stopped by the compassionate God you thought you served. And then your 14 week pregnancy ends and you give birth to a too tiny for earth baby boy. And then you move 1700 miles away from the only home you've ever known into living conditions and circumstances no one ever could foresee. And then your oldest grows and matures and dating becomes a new word in our vocabulary with all of the large family realm condemning anything less than "courtship". And somewhere along the way you're given a Baby A. A kid that absolutely rocks your world and everything you ever thought you knew about parenting and your biggest challenge is just keeping him alive til the end of the day. And all of self is humbled. Because what you thought you knew.....you didn't know at all. And you realize you have absolutely no room in life to give advice but only to love....to encourage....to come alongside and support others. I see the courtship blogs, the parenting blogs, the all dress blogs, the adoption blogs, the do life this way and you'll be the perfect person, you'll have the perfect kid blogs.....the ones that claim they have the keys to all of life. I don't know. Maybe those blogs, those thoughtful moms giving all the tips at homeschooling seminars, do have it all down and have figured it all out. But then there's reality. There's us. And I have been humbled. I have learned boundaries. I've leaned to say no. I've learned when to say yes...that I can't do it all. That I do have weaknesses greater than the Grand Canyon. That I have children infinitely more intelligent than I am, children that challenge every aspect of my brain. I've learned that nobody can dictate God for our little family. And even the kindest of well meaning advice givers can never speak intimately into your life until they have walked a mile in your shoes. So it just doesn't matter what people think, the looks that are given, the eyebrows raised...because they just don't know. They can't know....until they've been there. And so it is with how I speak into others lives. Unless I have lived it....I won't ever truly understand it. And my encouragement, compassion and kindness is all they really need. 

But mostly...I've learned that what I used to perceive as the end of life is nothing in the grand scheme of it all. Mice....they come and go. Ticks do too. Air conditioners break and eventually get fixed....sometimes after a few rough months. What I think I am "owed" in life I am not owed at all. As we sat with no air conditioner for almost the entirety of last summer and the months of March, April and May of this one there sits an orphanage in Guatemala with 35+ children that have never known what it is to have air conditioning at all. They prepare meals in a hot kitchen 3 times a day for more than twice the number of children we have and they smile and laugh.....because they know life is so much bigger than an air conditioner. They know and are fully aware of how comfortable they are with a roof and a simple bed as they try to coax the abandoned sibling group of 3 scavenging at the base of the city dump and returning to beds of dirt in the ravine. 

Vehicles....sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. But I am not owed transportation in life. We own a source of transportation and it's a really great one at that...more than what a lot of people can say. What would've sent me railing at God months ago is not the crisis it used to be. There are no longer questions asking why He toys with heart and emotions....raising hope and dashing it mercilessly on clefts below time and again. There is no spouting off how hope deferred makes the heart sick. Because I have learned in the last 4 years...last 18 months....that life is bigger than a van and whether we get to go where we want to go, when we want to go there. Relocated Texas friends....only 50 miles from where we reside. Angel of mercy, diesel expert, offers to look at van. Twelve long hot, humid hours later of tedious work and trouble shooting all fuel injectors were fixed and van was on the road once more. Entire day spent in the presence of sweet company and tons of laughter. Crowds cheered and children excitedly made plans of all that we could do again. Friends returned back to their new eastern home and left us with a running van once more....a vehicle that actually fits our entire family back on the road. All the hope of all the things we can do together again. 36 hours of pure bliss hitting the town as a complete family. And then it happens....all fuel injectors fixed but only 36 hours later total transmission failure. It was nothing they could've gotten to or fixed that Friday. It just is what it is.....like everything else here. Husband's blue eyes uttered every unspoken word between us. His gentle, compassionate "I'm sorry" as we hugged. But instead of the outrageous, emotional, fit throwing, spiritual, God blaming roller coaster I tend to ride on a fairly regular basis there was a sad disappointed smile as I returned his gaze. Because life is just a whole lot bigger than a van. We've been through a lot here. We've learned a lot here. And life just goes on. Just maybe I've been toughened up a bit. Perhaps the last 18 months here have been a bit boot campish....conditioning mind and body to withstand extremes....realizing that what you thought would kill will not kill at all, and, in fact, only strengthens and builds stronger than before. Surviving half a year with no income, mice, mold, basement, recurrent floods, loss of material possessions, mold and mice induced sicknesses, carpet, no a/c, no heat, horrendous plumbing throughout entire house, no family transportation....it all comes and goes. In the end we have it all....we have everything we need and then so much more...even through everything we have walked. 

What it looks like when someone gives unconditionally and in total love....

So when kids get sick for 6-8 weeks at a time it's just not the end of the world. Sanity may be jeopardized a little and sleep may seem a distant thing of the past but we can still laugh, just as we did at the total absurdity of husband pushing the tan beast with the truck's huge front end replacement all the way home up and down the curvy roads of this great piney state. Laughter is truly the best medicine for the soul. And so we laugh a lot at our predicaments now....and life just goes on. Perhaps these last 4 years have given us the gift of being battle hardened.....shaped us into softer people that have been conditioned and built to withstand the heat in adversity. Shining armor....it's a deceptive thing. Sometimes the beautiful lies in the unexpected.....underneath the weary, dust covered, road worn traveler....the limping knight standing humbly in the dim light of room wearing the rusted, dented armor. 

So, we're here. Life finds a normal again and settles into routine. Work resumes on house and we've begun picking out dining room/office and bedroom colors. More painting! Imagine that.  Floors...they'll come in time. Kitchen cabinet doors will too. It's slow....and patience has never been known to be a virtue of mine. Summer....it's amazing but the bugs are a bit merciless. Fall is eagerly anticipated as we prepare for the cleaning and clearing of the Amazon. 

Sweet, happy crazy boy saying all kinds of words now and totally in love with his new "baby". 

Poor buddy. Sometimes you just do what you've gotta do...and that involves making a trip in when time is of the essence and you can't wait for daddy to get off shift to bring meds home with him. One vehicle makes life a bit challenging. So despite the evil glares given in our direction the majority of our quick excursion into store....we survived! And yes....out of courtesy we Lysoled entire cart down for future shoppers and left it in sun to bake away all of his strep germs after our use of it.  Apparently...strep gives migraines that can make a 7 year old puke. The first of 2 with it along with a few ear infections making their way around the house too. 

Big sister, little sister. 

Summer love.....

Due to the wondrous expertise of a 4 year old photographer, the head got a little chopped off. But...it's a very funny thing to grow entirely excited about cutoffs unearthed in recesses of basket only to throw them on and figure out it's just a ton breezier than what you thought it was gonna be. So, despite the little tiny short skirt that it is....it's an 8! So, 4 weeks after sweet girl's arrival I've officially gotten back into old jeans...and an old, little skirt I kinda forgot I had! And yeah....the floors. Someday.

Trying to figure out how we're going to paint the walls. Didn't take long to figure out this method won't work either...but it certainly amused everybody for awhile.

4 weeks old!

When you're loved beyond comprehension....

Daddy and his girl...

My view looking down. Sometimes I wonder just how different it would've been with the older ones if I'd known then all that I know now. If I just would've worn them a little while instead of staying frustrated and trouble shooting for hours.

Burn Notice shift night party!

 He made the TEMS team....a huge accomplishment. (Tactical Emergency Medical Service. A small and select group of paramedics working together and making entry with the SWAT team). And when he comes home from his first day of training he is met with some pretty infatuated and mesmerized little fans. 

 And then you have the late night/early morning hour comedian as I attempt to make this post.