Fight or Flight: Chronicles of Honesty

I've been trying to write a post for days....all the obstacles and hurdles we continue to encounter as we walk this out...tears, laughter, frustration and all. But the time to write right now seems non existent most days and this blog turns to our story in pictures. It seems when it's all too much, I can't physically imagine one more thing being asked of us, one more Spiritual attack being launched against us, being stretched any farther, one more thing going "wrong"...this whole entire effort seeming as though we are just trying desperately to polish a turd....the intensity of the moment passes and the humor of it all returns. After two days of tears, absolutely being overwhelmed and feeling a bit trapped....the bigger picture always returns and He is faithful to restore the vision when I lose sight of it all in my weakness...which can be great at times. This journey is not honest and the story is not even close to being real without the reality of the behind the scenes. And the tears still fall. Not as often anymore...but they come. Good news is...I don't even ask why anymore. I know why. And when the peace about the why comes there is an astoundingly shocking ability to carry it all out...despite the weak days...and even a few tears. When there is vision and purpose...when there is unconditional love for others...when all of self falls to wayside....all of life and perspective changes.

Pregnant hormones aren't really exactly helping my cause out any at this point either. Early morning, sun rises over eastern horizon. Oldest and I drive to church. Vans run as they warm up, trailer hooked up and being loaded. 18 young people grow excited about their 6 day trip north to help in the mission field. How grateful I am for these opportunities....that he can go...that he has the heart and the passion to go. But somewhere in all of the hormones, the mama's heart, and the intensity of life right now, I drop him off and tears fall. This 15 year old huge man child now taller than I am, wearing size 14 shoes, was just not so very long ago the little boy that challenged everything I knew about life. And this whole process of letting go and watching him grow is so bittersweet. Group meets to pray and in not long vans pulls away and I watch him go. Focus of trip......practicing random acts of kindness and meeting tangible needs of others in the poorest of poor neighborhoods in a state far away from us, where sister churches are located. And that van carried away one of the most precious things in life I have ever been given and one of the most amazing people I have ever been given the joy of knowing in life.  As the heart let go and watched him leave the beginning of a day's worth of tears began to fall. 

I return home to the toilet that had seen fit to officially crap out...in every literal sense....only days before. Due to water pressure being low function of one toilet affects other toilet. So...more often than not..when one doesn't work...neither does the other. While we knew replacing them would be necessary we had a plan of working our way systematically through the house from front to back. Conquer kitchen/living first, as kitchen by far had the worst and most immediate needs within it. Replacing toilets would come as we got to bathrooms. However...the house had other plans. And a 49 yr old toilet finally breathed it's last breath and entire base gave. So, we found ourselves readjusting..once again...and instead of kitchen cabinet fund we had saved we now found ourselves toilet shopping. And I'll just say....those are one of the few things I'm just not buyin off of craigslist. Not even Habitat for Humanity will sell them. And everything within me knows there is a very decent reason they refrain. Despite the inconvenience I couldn't help but be a little excited over the bathroom's unexpected turn of events. We plunge toilets about 3 times a day and the thought of no longer having to deal with crap and bathroom plumbing issues came with unadulterated joy. So I laughed a little despite amply flooded bathroom and husband went shopping for toilets that sport the capacity of flushing small dogs. 

But along with bathroom flooding came the discovery that of the latest invasion of mice half of them had seen fit to take up residence under unusable cabinet space. Sink plumbing leaks so profusely none of the space under it is suitable for storing anything. So...under bathroom sinks do not house any personal possessions of family other than a bucket to catch water from both sinks. In fact, one sink is so entirely unusable we have just turned off water flow to it. But in tearing out bottom of bathroom cabinets...much like I did in kitchen not so very many weeks ago....came the discovery of little villages of mice. Having only had kids well from the Noro virus a mere 10 days the discovery of so many nests and the undeniable evidence of their new activity was enough to bring on a torrent of tears and the absolute feeling of total defeat in this whole process. There are days it just feels...and seems....hopeless. And I am taken back to that same place that was occupied not very many months ago when a hasty trip to the store was made and a van was loaded with kids, trash cans, Immodium, and gatorade to return home on my own with all kids in tow. We would live independently until husband could find a suitable job back in the comfort of our own home out on the rural prairie. Only now...there is no home to return to. We are here. For good. And the feeling of being totally trapped with nowhere to go overwhelmed. As I looked at the extent of mice damage and all of the excrement they leave in their wake all I saw was yet a 4th round of the dreaded Noro virus....as we have learned in this whole journey that they are the reason we continue to get sick and the little rodent turds are definite carriers of a specific strain of the Norovirus....the Murine Norovirus to be exact. Thus the reason that when we do any amount of extreme renovation or fixing anything here....everybody gets seriously ill. And with 4 kids currently running fever that day with headaches and having only been over the severe puking and diarrhea for 10 days my heart sunk and any strength left crumbled into a million pieces. All I could see was another week's worth of no sleep, sick kids, ER trips, overused toilets, and a ton of trash cans...so I cried and cried...and then cried some more...and wondered when exactly the 40 plagues of this place will cease. Off shift husband comforted like only he can and whispered soothing words that brought the solace and strength needed to refocus, maintain perspective, remember the strength that lies so deeply within and continue on...as we'll overcome this hurdle just like we have all of the others here. I told him how trapped I felt, how I just wanna go home, give up, leave this house and be normal again with healthy well kids and a vehicle that runs...that we have been asked to give way more than that which we are capable....and I can't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I'm just not that strong. I smile as I write this now...because it just sounds a little bit familiar....a little bit like labor in the last stages. Pain seems a bit unbearable, absolutely relentless and unending.....yet that is when I am closest to a baby and it being completely over with. The stage of "I can't. I don't want to. I quit. And I'm done." And just like this...and when running....there is no way out except to just push through until the end is reached. And there is an end to everything. To birthing a baby, to running, to this whole love project. And what does not kill us truly only makes us stronger. 

I know many people have no interest in this part of the story, many only want pics, many are prone to taking this info and spewing opinions, and it seems even more claustrophobic not to be able to journey the good, the bad and the ugly. To only document the happy rosy days....leave out the details of what it is we really encounter and deal with....seems...entirely incomplete. So I give up trying to cater to the masses and writing what only people want to hear....what is "safe". This whole story is, after all, to document this pilgrim's progress affair for our children as a legacy to leave to them. But, in wisdom, before making the details public, husband called state to ask what defines "unsanitary/unacceptable living conditions" should anyone get the wise idea to "help us out" or decide to be heroic in child advocacy endeavors. By our request, state workers came to home and assured us that living conditions are more than acceptable and as long as massive extent of mice problem is being dealt with than no one can do anything, as children are some of the happiest he has ever met, obviously entirely loved, well adjusted, taken care of, clean, and have all needs met. House is more than acceptably clean and years of mice infestation and unattended house issues will take months upon months to treat and they do understand this. Husband then made a phone call to mice professionals yet again telling them of our new findings. They assured us that by the end of it all we will be mice free...though it may take months to achieve given the severity of the infestation. But...there is hope and it can be achieved with proper continued ongoing treatments. So, with some comfort from those two ends I will blog this aspect of our journey here. Just as the tick infestation has come and gone, the first round of mice have come and gone, the plumbing, the basement, and everything else that we overcome here...we will prevail. In my despair and in the heat of it all I once again began calling on many, many other rental properties....and of the fight or flight response that seems to so easily overtake self, the flight was definitely winning out and I just wanted to leave and escape it all. But, just as I suspected and that we've run into for months and months and months on end since being here....no other landlord seems able to rent to a family this size. How we even ended up in this place, in this specific house...I'm still not sure.....other than the fact God very definitely has a plan for us here. And as long as we are here in this place we will continue to improve and carry out His purpose and show love in a very tangible needed way for next door living landlord. Once again I was reminded that we are here, kept here in this very specific house, for such a time and place as this. All of the new mice nests were cleaned up and we overcame and conquered...yet again. In all of His goodness, grace and mercy He spared everyone from getting Noro yet again and we continue to treat the problem the overwhelmingly prolific mice, and now the bathroom plumbing, have become. New toilet installed, both now working, we will eventually get to under sink issues as we work our way through this process. 

Mild fevers, headaches, congestion, nasty noses and sleepless nights subsided within only few days of onset and we continue forth with what we feel has been laid on our hearts to do for this place....and the man that owns it. But I will say....this is not always an easy journey or one that is always filled with smiles and laughter. It is not for the faint of heart. I firmly believe that the Lord uses everything for a purpose and while we are being stretched seemingly beyond capacity at some points, landlord is seeing kindness he has never before in life ever seen. In this journey we have also come to know state workers and they have fallen in love with our family and are in awe of the joy and confidence that exudes from each of our children. And there is just unprecedented peace and reassurance that, while I consider this to be unacceptable living conditions somedays, they have assured us we are doing an amazing job with what we have been given to work with and our children, both individually and as a group, are absolutely amazing and a total joy to have met...and that just comforts the heart and brings a renewed determination and diligence to continue forth in our endeavors here.  It is not hopeless, we are not trapped, they will not be sick forever, they have not contracted some fatal illness and this too shall pass. There is an end to everything and this will not last forever. And when we leave this place it will be so much drastically better than when we found it and hearts will be changed....mine more than anyone's, I think. I'm not amazing. Strength wavers, weaknesses are great. The desire to escape it all a large one somedays. My mind wanders places it shouldn't, thoughts flood the head that are not true, noble, right, pure, lovely and admirable. Tolerance for life and people wane, my longing to find reprieve, great. When the overwhelming aspect of it all hits I just work harder to keep my hands busy and my mind from going places it shouldn't. I focus children's energy on school and love projects to keep hearts from growing bitter or hardened because of my own struggle with it all. On my own....I don't possess the strength to walk one more step here somedays....but when I am at my very weakest points it is only then that He can become evident as we walk this out. We're here. We're walking it out. We're doing it. We're making progress. We're overcoming. We're conquering hurdles one by one...or sometimes 2 by 2 and 3 by 3....as they come. So it is that we learn the depth of the sacrifice that was made on our behalf. We learn what it is to love unconditionally....show kindness and exercise forgiveness to hurting landlord.....in ways we never imagined or thought possible.

"If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 

Love is.... 

(which means and can be translated into, Through Him I Am)......

Through Him I am....

patient.

I am kind. 

I do not envy. 

I do not boast.

I am not proud.

I do not dishonor others.

I am not self seeking.

I am not easily angered.

I keep no record of wrongs.

I do not delight in evil but I rejoice in the truth.

I will protect.

I will trust.

I will hope.

I will persevere.

I will not fail."

1 Corinthians 13

I will not give up or quit. I can do this through Him. I run because I know the pushing through will be rewarded....and the inner strength and determination developed is worth it all. I push through the pain of birth because I know the reward on the other side of it all is more love than I have ever in life known and it truly is just multiplied so many times over. And I do this because I know the reward is that great....even if it is only evident in the hearts of our children and the change it created within my own self. Even if landlord's heart is never changed...if it just molds and shapes the heart of our own children, if they grow to show a lifetime of kindness, mercy, love, forgiveness, and grace to others...it has been worth it all. We have come too far now and we will continue to press forward...even on the not so fun days. I remain thankful that He is faithful to restore the vision, perspective always returns and laughter..with a much lighter heart....never fails to easily follow. I will push through. I will grow stronger. I refuse to flee to easier places in life. When the all too familiar fight or flight kicks in...and it does on this whole journey....I will choose to fight. The radical life...we were never promised an easy one when we decided to take this road. Actually, quite the contrary. We were assured it would be difficult, the road less traveled, the definite harder, more difficult of the two. We didn't chose comfort, we chose to know fulness of life in a radical way. And I'm pretty sure we found it. Or it found us.  Living radically....right here on the eastern seaboard.

And now for the picture updates...

So....apparently birthdays are as good a time as any to polish up mathematical skills. Since the number 7 candle somehow got left out of the shopping list and we had no traditional stick candles we had to improvise a little. 5+3-1=7!!! All he wanted for his birthday was a Dairy Queen mint oreo ice cream cake. I have no idea where that came from or where and why he even got the idea....but....here's his Dairy Queen mint oreo ice cream cake proudly...and creatively....proclaiming his new 7 year old status!

I have no clue what they're doing. But they're all seriously busy getting it done.

Finally. Now for glaze and a coat of polycrylic...and finally back in their designated places. 

What the process looks like. 

Super excited girl in her new glasses. She's so tiny they had to special order baby glasses for her. There is no way I could ever in a lifetime possibly love this girl more. Sweet funny tiny one that can hold her own anywhere with anyone....4 going on 16.

Run of the day finished! 4 miles in 40 minutes. She lost me on that one. I can't even do that. She's challenged everybody around here...not just me.  

Super cold, rainy, sleety days mean running on the gerbil wheel. Running outside is so much more pleasant....just not when it's 40 below and wet. But...this gets the job done!  

When you go gift shopping for the hard to buy one and you keep everyone else in mind. It was a huge hit.....with everybody! Life's just more fun when you have somebody to share it with, play with, and be excited with you. 

How you can cram 7 boys in about a 12 inch space.....

Garrett and "his babies". Showing them how to work it.

Perfect, rosy cheeked, cherub baby. My heart could not possibly be filled with more love than it is at this point in life. 

Before....

The only real pictures I could find of the before. I wish I'd documented better for the whole picture thing. But...kitchen window before in the middle of the day....dirty dishes and all. Nice. 

The beginning of change...

And now middle of the day! Ready for a new light! We've come a long way, baby. Just as I start to grow easily frustrated with the slow progression of this whole process, the sheer workload, and all the obstacles and unexpected encountered along the way I look back through pics and realize how far we have come. It's taken months upon months of slowly chipping away at it all....but there have been drastic improvements since it all began. We may still have a very long way to go....but we've come a very long way too.

If anybody's gonna end up with paint on them...it's him. Personally I'm kinda in love with the naked baby in the background that he saw fit to undress only moments before this pic.

I guess he just really wanted a bath too.

More color! Moving right along. Despite how pinky this pic makes it look...it's really red.

Cabinet door drying stations turned multipurpose. 

His new skill...dumping baskets and conquering the mountain..then using it in reaching everybody else's baskets and pulling clothes out of those. Fun.

Door trim is done! Now for a valance and that side of the room is finished for now!! We still need to build the fireplace mantle but that will come in time. At least the painting part is done! I also still need to change out the plugs cause the white plate covers with the brown plugs are driving me nuts. And with much thanks to electrical savvy husband, by my own request, I have now been well versed in how to change out the sockets on my own. One less thing on his more than ample to-do list. Now just to brave the basement and flip the breaker to get the job done. I hate descending into basement...not to mention one trip down there usually means a max dose of Benadryl and breathing problems. Therefore I have to wear my sexy, breathing mask to even make a short trip down there. But...plugs and light switches will get done...eventually. With oldest home after his 6 days gone...he can now do some breaker flipping for task at hand!

It will improve. I promise. This is only the beginning of the transformation. But...at least it has begun! I have a vision.

 Color on left wall is a sage green. Red is a true, deep, barn red in real life. Sometime in 2045 it really will all come together.

There are times in life when you love so much it just makes your heart hurt and explode with the abundance of the overflow. I have never known such love as I do now in life. These children we have been given...they are absolutely amazing. I am humbled and absolutely overwhelmed by how loved they are by those around us. How so many people pour into their lives, give to them, and love them like we do...who enjoy them and think they are as amazing as we do...from family, to close friends, to acquaintances, to those encountered on a daily life basis. There is no greater joy in life than to be such an integral part of these 11 little people's lives. It's just such an amazing thing to look at them, watch them, listen to them, hear them, interact with them, raise them...and know they are our's....extravagant gifts that I do not deserve in any way, shape or form.

Some of them pretty happy about matching shirts again. It's been awhile. Grumpy in the back was upset he got a shirt instead of m&m's. He eventually saw the light and got happy about the shirt.