4:30 am. I take these precious hours that should be spent studying to fill in the information gaps now existing on this blog. To give up these sweet, quiet, dark morning hours of study and school to instead write, is a sacrifice of large magnitude. But, I will continue to tell our story....because this is a journey of epic proportions.
Within only a matter of weeks it seems that all of life has turned upside down. Our dream has become our reality. Visions manifest in a series of life changing events. But, simply put, our life these days is the result of giving and giving and giving....when the world said we were crazy, when most refused to help, said our kids were being deprived due to our lack of money management, pouring our fragile budget into the "black hole of a landlord that needed to be taken to court", giving when we didn't have it to give....and forgiving over and over....and a thousand more times over....again throughout the course of the last 5 years we have lived. It is the growing and coming out of 5 years worth of tears and relearning how to think and live. It is the result of months and months of 4:30 am mornings and working harder than I ever have for something I believe in. It looks like work while the rest of the world sleeps. It looks like digging deep and finding what you're really made of, keeping ungodly hours, up late and up again early, and being wife, mom, house manager, primary vehicle driver, and so much more while people laughingly and haphazardly toss out the phrase "I could never do that!" It is the result of being willing to do something you've never done before to get something you've never had before. It is the epitome of true success. It's learning to believe in myself and look at life very, very differently.....being willing to overcome and find a solution to every obstacle encountered. But most of all...if you don't take anything else away from our story...it is the journey of unconditionally loving. And if you learn nothing else from us let this stick with you always....I want people to know when we begin to love so far outside of the box and we begin to see people and souls in their rawest, messiest, most human, imperfect form and we no longer see all the "injustices" done to us, injustices inflicted upon our life, our belief system, our morals, our ethics, what we think we're "owed", our "convictions", the "assaults" on our life by others....life begins to change. We begin to see and move and act with the eyes of our heart and not our head. The secret of life lies wholly in total gratitude, unconditional love, and absolute kindness. For in those things all other life is derived....and days begin to be painted in bold, vivid colors with purpose and passion. It is then that vision and purpose come because it is then that the compassionate, moldable, pliable part of us can be used and worked with to further the world. It is then that we are free to truly help and serve others. And until you have learned to serve and to love and just to aid fellow humanity in utmost humility, you will live empty.
So, with that prefaced and with much thanks to facebook, most of you are aware that we now have a van. As I work to maintain balance between the craziness of life right now, the blog has had to take a backseat over the course of my time in school and managing life....so this post is a little behind on the times.
For those new to our story....it's a long road. But, in short, we have lived two entire years as a single vehicle family of 13/14 people. Through a lot of tears, frustration, anger....and a whole ton of laughter...we have learned to make a 6 seat quad cab Dodge diesel truck work as our primary source of transportation. And no, we don't drive illegally and cram us all in. We have the capacity to take only 5-6 of us everywhere we go...which means more than half of us are left behind....and a whole lot of carseats in and out and in and out and in and out. We have not gone anywhere as an entire family for two years, with the exception of one week where we were given a vacationing friend's 7 passenger minivan to celebrate Christmas dinner out on the town. Between our truck and their minivan we were actually mobile for 7 days. We are told of many families' struggling as it takes two vehicles to transport the family...and while I feel their pain....it still is not the same. Though not ideal, those families do have the ability to be mobile. Yes, gas funds do become an issue, you're not all together in one vehicle having fun...but these families....they do have the ability to actually attend events as an entire family. People do not even begin to really wrap their head around the fact that we have not been out of the house as an entire family unit in two years. And we absolutely love being together. We shop together, travel together, field trip together, hike together, run errands together, drop and pick kids up together. No man left behind. So, the reality of what life has looked like for us day in and day out over the course of the last two years has been a very tough adjustment. It looked like an older kid always left home with others. It looked like lots of tears as ones that wanted to go got left behind. It looked like a whole lot of learning to work together very cohesively, taking turns, giving up one's "right" to go as another one struggled with something and needed extra time, a lot of 14 people learning to work like a well oiled machine. It looked like sacrificing study hours to take husband to and from work in quiet early morning hours, a lot of making up study in creative little slots of the day...late nights and very early mornings. It looked like finally giving up everything to which I've long held onto....watching through so many tears a van being towed away forever and learning what it is to clear the negative pathways in life in order to allow the new to enter....never knowing when new would come. It eventually turned from anger as we passed other 15 passengers on the road, to just tears, to just longing, to just a bittersweet smile knowing it would be us at some point again. It was the bittersweet longing two nights a week as all the other large families played at football practice and I had just 3 or 4 of my kids while husband worked and others were left at home babysitting the ones whose turn had come to stay home. But it has also been an absolute shift in learning how to make the absolute best of something, giving up everything I have ever hung onto, learn the art of staying positive, and learning to overcome. You think you're positive...until you are faced with struggles of epic proportions. America does not even begin to comprehend only one vehicle that doesn't fit your family. And we have been judged....a lot. Money management. Time management. Family size management. Pretty much everything management. And so it was we just learned how to tune out the static noise of other's opinions and began to see and learn how to make the best of the situation. I figured out free WIFI was available at the football field and I took school work, class assignments, and business related work and used those hours each week to work. I used quiet road time in the early morning as envisioning what our life is becoming. I juggled and balanced and used it to listen to class lectures on the road. And I just learned how to manage time unlike ever before, kids learned a depth of working together that would've been otherwise pretty impossible to fathom, and we made it work.
So.....the crazy, insane question that is driving everybody nuts....WHERE did it come from?????? And WHAT are the changes taking place????? WHY is there no car payment attached to the brand new 2014 108 mile beast now sitting in our driveway smiling at me every single morning??? Why? Because it is the flagship wonder now traversing the roads of the eastern side of the US of what love and a whole lot of hard work is capable of doing. While the oil business is growing substantially and financial progress is being made a vehicle of this magnitude was still a seemingly infinite amount of time away. So, I made a vision board, I worked, I believed, and I began to focus on how I can actually contribute to the world instead of taking from it.....and while I am confident our children will each contribute to the betterment of society as a whole, it did not include saying my children are my contribution to the world. It was on a much more personal level. Me, as a person, how can I give and not take....help instead of continually being so victimized by circumstances. And personal vision came, purpose came, the purest, most primal desire to give back exceedingly so far surpassed my desire to receive...and then the vision board began to come to life. After watching many, many other things take shape such as school, financial goals, etc, over the course of the last few months this came....
(As requested by those involved in this story, all names have been left out of this).
Friday, August 15th, off shift husband and myself, along with 3 boys, ran errands. Husband's phone rings....man on other end gave a number and a name with instructions to call it. He stated that it concerned a van that needed a delivery date to us. There was some shock from husband and a few tears. I think we both immediately envisioned an older, used, vehicle. Our minds filled with someone that knew of our need and had chosen to give us their van as they replaced theirs or came across one for sale. But, one thing about the road we have walked...there is absolute appreciation for everything...and it didn't even begin to matter what shape it was in, the make, the model, the year. It was a VAN with 4 rows. But then husband began to cry. As he continued to talk to man on the other end, the tears fell like rain. Brand new, 2014, metallic blue van with all leather seats and vinyl, washable, cleanable floor. Backup safety alarm for dogs and kids, all the bells and whistles. Auxiliary outlet to hook up to devices for good music...because we absolutely LOVE windows down and crazy music. Funds were also given to put a roof rack, ladder, and front end replacement on it. We called the man and the number husband was given....and it was all true. 15 passenger waiting for us in SC and they needed an available date for delivery. The same way our engineless van left with all the tears would be the same way a new one arrived...on the back of a trailer. We made it home managing not to spill the news to kids over the phone and announced it all in person. There were cheers, shock, disbelief, tears, and lots and lots of general, excited, chaotic noise.
For story behind this pic see post here.
The next morning, delivery day, dawned and call from dealership revealed that delivery driver was sick. Delivery day would not happen til later the following week. After discussing it with family, it was excitedly agreed husband, oldest daughter, lively Junebug girl, 2 year old C man and I would just load up spontaneously and go. Within an hour we were SC bound. So it was that Saturday, August 16th, we drove up to a dealership and confirmed that it all was real as our van sat waiting front and center of dealership doors. We were given gold star treatment by dealership as we signed papers, smiled and laughed lots with them. And I drove away in a van following behind a big, red, trusty, diesel quad cab truck that I have come to know and love so well. 3 kids and I rolled the windows down, laughed, turned the music up, and drove the 3 1/2 hours back to the excited waiting crowd. We returned to ones left behind hanging from trees, sitting on bikes, and waiting impatiently as we rounded the curves of driveway.
Phone call from giver later that night said it all....
"It's because of the way you love."
"It's because of the way you love."
More to follow on all the changes taking place within our lives, the mysterious FB post concerning "corporate America" and the direction our life has taken. It's pretty surreal....and an absolutely beautiful life. As of now, I have sacrificed morning school hours to make this post....so that's all you get! :)
Let this be your message...to go love a little more. We are not one of those that have ever been "the lucky one" or "they're just blessed". After years and years of struggling....brutal, hard life lessons....we just learned to love and be kind to others....to show compassion to everything that doesn't look like us, carrying out random acts of kindness, controversial as though they may be. We learned to love and give outside of the acceptable box. When you give, you are given to. When you are compassionate, people show compassion. When you show kindness, kindness is shown. And when you love, you become loved.
