But as I wandered up onto the new, fresh start of a completely New Year....something so untouched and still so blank...still waiting patiently for the pages of its days to be written upon....I gently fell onto the realization and discovery of why it is some people seek to set goals upon the arrival of new years.....year after year. Something about it this time around screamed of its newness...the miracle of starting over again....again and again. The fact that I have been given this place in time....the fact that I have the opportunity to participate in the newness of life on so many different levels. All of the new life around me cries out and longs to be recognized for what it is. Perfect newness. The blessing of being given yet another day to live, to love...to experience life to its fullest. As I cradle my sweet perfect baby in my arms I feel her head nestle down into my neck until she is as close as humanly possible...and then her body settles and relaxes against me...molding its tiny shape into the curves of my body. My senses are overwhelmed by her....the smell of her lavender scented little wisps of hair, the velvety softness of her face, the feel of her tiny breaths..the rise and fall, up and down of her miniature chest, the sounds of her baby noises...the sighs, her little whispers of love to the mama who cradles her...to me, her deliberate smiles melting the very core of my being, tiny fingers curled around my bigger one, the sight of this tiny human being so dependant on me to provide everything there is for her in life at this very moment in time. Perfect. Newness. Innocence. Life. Moment. Time. End. Beginning. Forever. Love. Words that float effortlessly through my head.....sighed quietly out under my breath in complete and total awe of where I am......this place in time.
A fresh start to everything. This surreal picture catches me by surprise...but yet it shouldn't. Why does it hold me captive now? Have I not done this 7 times before? Have they not all held this same appeal? Perhaps this reason right here is the same reason we continue to press forward with a new tiny life welcomed into our family so very often these days. Not only is it the insurmountable love that is ushered in but maybe this is how God works....in the tiny things of life. The biggest changes sometimes start buried in the discovery of something so new. The discovery of yourself in another. Holding her is like holding my heart in my hands. Looking into Garrett's huge blue eyes is to see all of the days ahead of him that are filled with hope and how much he has yet to live. As I watch Garrison play I see his undeterred joy over all of life itself. What seems like sheer insane delight as he takes joy in absolutely everything that surrounds him. I see Grant study and take millions of things apart in his effort to understand the mechanics of modern day technology, his brain being turned at turbo speeds as he soaks in the world around him. Just about that time I see Evye glide gracefully through the kitchen, humming along and doing what only she knows about...caught up in the girly world she lives in. I ponder this as I stand from my corner of the warm kitchen, baby having been placed gently in her bed to sleep away the active morning hours, and this desire to set goals rises from within. Surrounded by my children I am again reminded of the new beginnings of life.....their incomprehensible joy for all that abounds in their world. The dawn of each day a new beginning all over again. Sunlight streaming rays of newness and life on everything......casting away the shadows of the night and exposing everything to new, untouched light...a day yet unlived...waiting for all to be discovered. I hear the never ending aspirations that are woven somewhere deep within Grayson's head....his wheels ever turning and I am again reminded at how it is never too late to set goals, to strive for that which you have not touched yet, to dream of what you want to do and then set out to do it....the vision of all of life shining in my children's eyes. "For where there is no vision the people perish". So....I am visioning. I know what I want to accomplish and I know what innate desires lie within me......quiet but still whispering to break forth and be recognized. And I have a hard time stilling the growing excitement that bubbles underneath as I think of things I long to do....unfinished projects, goals and desires that are so regularly stomped out and squelched by my own self......swept away into a dust pan with the food and colleche dust on the kitchen floor, folded and put away with the baskets of clean clothes. Lack of time management, exhaustion, other pursuits and just sheer laziness on my part to actually bring them to life and bring some form of fulfillment to the creative side of me that lies buried within. Somewhere along the way I seemed to have lost the "see the need, do the deed" mentality I seek to instill within my own children. Projects surround me yet excuses abound as to why they have not been done as of yet. After 2 long years of living here our walls are still barren....why? The constant change of direction of a husband that has, in times not so long ago passed, searched the world over for new places to live, a new life for us all? Or due to a husband that wants absolute perfection when a wall gets painted or a picture hung or a tile laid? Or maybe just me finding these excuses convenient when the job is at hand and the time is there to accomplish it? Who knows.
So.........are they resolutions I am jotting down on this cold, freezing day? I'm thinking not. For even the term "New Year resolutions" brings to mind unpleasant thoughts and something so commonly repeated across the world year after year. Repetitive failure. But I find that old quote "Fail to plan, plan to fail" is still no closer to being proven untrue. And there is indeed no denying that. So, I walk away from the kitchen chaos and morning activity and withdraw into my room to sit and write these goals down. Where do I see myself in 6 months? A Year? Pregnant, no doubt. Ok....my own humor brings a smile to my face with that thought. But, in all reality, I envision just 6 months from now. A year seems daunting. An entire year to live up to these "expectations" I have put on myself....better stated as goals I have laid out. Brad always says to just set a date and keep at it for that long. If you are not happy with the results at that time then just quit and go back to where you were when you started. Nothing has been lost and if nothing has been gained then you've come out even. But at least you tried.
So it is that I make short term, 5 month goals and I will re evaluate on June 1st. Sounds not only reasonable....but do-able. Not a year....not even 1/2 of year. Just 5 months.
Rising Early
Ever the elusive goal I set out to conquer this ugly beast and see the joy, instead of the lack of self discipline, that accompanies the whole subject of rising early. There is something to be said about greeting the sun's new rays and gathering your thoughts together before the activity of children abounds. I have known this for a very long time....as I am quite sure every parent does. Even without the children there is indeed something to be said for getting up early and utilizing your time efficiently. I read this today as I sought to get motivated on the topic and was inspired by the encouraging words. This link was also posted on the Holy Experience blog in an effort to shed more light and how to's of getting up early. To say that I have never been good at rising early is putting it far more graciously than what it deserves. So with sights set in place I take on this task with a joy that has not existed before. Something about grabbing hold of my day before my children grab hold of it for me.
Seeking the face and heart of God
We teach this fervently to our children....seeking to instill in them that their very life, the very breadth and depth of their lives, depends on this one fact alone. If they learn nothing else from us as parents they must walk away with this truth. If we accomplish nothing else in this life but engraving this one fact upon their hearts then we have succeeded at parenting. But as much as I seek to write this upon the tablets of their hearts I myself do not carve out time in my own day to make this priority happen. The priority has not lessened but just been slowly overshadowed by the to-do lists awaiting me when I wake. My footsteps already falling behind as I play catch up to the messes that lie in wait on my kitchen floor, the children needing to be dressed and the school books needing to be opened. With the early rising comes the ability to purpose a very quiet time of my day to focus on nothing but hearing the voice of the Lord for myself...focusing on what He has in store for me for that specific day and what He wants me to hear. Oh..how my day would be lightened if I would just be still enough to sit with Him for awhile and soak in His presence. I know this fact but I have so rarely done it. I sit with my children gathered around the kitchen table as we lift up individual prayer requests to the Lord. I stress the importance of time alone with Him to hear the soft and gentle whispers of a voice that longs to talk to them....to be heard by them. They do their morning Bible reading but I sit as no example at all. I teach though I do not practice. And, more than anything else, I miss what it is to fix my sights on Him and allow my days to start being held within His arms....and the joy may or may not be mine that can be had at just allowing Him to speak into my heart before the day ever begins. This is critical. The absolute foundation of all of life and what it is to parent my young children. I cannot go on like this. So it is that I purpose with my rising early to seek Him in the still, dark, quiet morning hours before the patter of feet ever hit the old creaky wooden floors of this house.
Going to church
This has been one of Brad's biggest issues to overcome....and thus mine. Since moving here we have tried a number of different churches but nothing to him ever felt right. I have waited patiently and not so patiently, at times. I have gone from feeling as though we are raising heathen children to resting in the Lord knowing that God will move upon both of our hearts to confirm where it is that He wants us to be. And to rest in the fact that I have seen time and time again that when I let go and just pray quietly God will indeed move upon his heart. The constant nagging and badgering I have the ability to do only serves to drive him farther and farther away. I have done both. I have nagged and been the drippy faucet and I have sat quietly and patiently in prayer waiting for God to speak into his heart what has already been spoken into mine. Church is one of those very major issues. It is safe to say that with both of us having been raised in church with parents that were highly involved it was easy to get burned out by the time our adult years were upon us. Once married it was freeing to no longer "have" to go. Eventually that wore off and we went back to our roots only to have them shaken and nearly pulled completely up as the commuting years set in. By their end we were both so mad at God that I think neither of us really cared if we ever saw the inside of a church again. The Lord was gracious to once again come in and make our hard and battered hearts pliable yet again. And both of us were turned back to the heart of the God we knew to be ever faithful, loving and full of mercy..despite the bruises that still made our hearts tender and touchy to everything Spiritually. At some point in there my desire to return to church and fellowship came slowly back and we branched out to find a place we belonged. Nothing we tried ever felt like home to Brad and, admittedly..not much did to me either. We both knew we would know it when we found it......that in His timing we would be led to a place called "home". A bit like trying on a pair of old jeans...slipping into them comfortably and knowing you were "just home". After 2 years of intermittently trying new places and revisiting old ones he still had not settled on anything. During this time I had begun to take the responsibility upon myself and see that the children were "churched" properly. I grew weary and tired almost instantly and was once again humbled when the Lord revealed it to my wayward heart that I was indeed growing weary since I was doing it all of my own accord. I had set forth on an endeavor that we were not in unity on at all. Therefore I was not only not being blessed but doing it in my own human strength alone. And my human patience, tolerance and ability to accomplish great things with many children in tow is pretty much non existent. I was not making any great headway and only burning myself out on church once more. The effort it took to get there was tremendous and the anger that rose as I sat there without Brad only worsened everything. I was humbled when I realized I had once again stepped way out of my boundaries and taken over in yet another area of our lives. So....I laid it down. And, honestly, it felt pretty good. I was able to enjoy the weightlessness that came with laying it at the Lord's feet and no longer worrying about the outcome of our children's lives due to their heathen upbringing. Sundays once again took on absolute freedom and with the passing of each one they took on the essence of fun...no longer drowned out by guilt.......guilt for not going when we didn't go and guilt that prevailed when I did go. So I sat waiting but spending our Sundays together in joy and freedom...time spent together as a family. As the end of the year drew to a close Brad suddenly spoke up on several different occasions that he had a desire to return to church....that he missed the teaching and fellowship. Caught completely by surprise I asked what church, since none had ever seemed to be our pair of old jeans. And sure enough somewhere under the surface of life God had been working deep within him, unknowingly to me. His heart had been taken by the tiny church in Menard and the love that we were so fully embraced by. The parental figures of the pastor and his wife, the deep friendship that had formed so many months ago as we attended with Mother, the depth of what we both knew was there. The deep teachings that satisfied Brad's voracious hunger to seek after the heart of God and answer questions that have long gone unanswered for him. So, as the turning of the pages brings upon us a new year so does it bring the desire to return to church. I have seen God work in so many many ways like this in our marriage. When I lay down myself and give it ALL over He then has the ability to work within Brad without my interference and voice ruining it all. And, indeed, I have ruined many a work in my childish immaturity but as I have grown in my relationship with the Lord and in our marriage I have had the opportunity to see God move mountains within my own husband. Why it is still an absolute miracle to me when He moves is still baffling to me. Did I not pray for and expect this very thing? Why then does it take me by surprise every time He does it? But it does and it's the same wondrous feeling everytime He does it yet again.
So, together we have purposed to return to church regularly with this new year. A goal to accomplish? Yes...it is a goal. Because I know what it is to ready many young children for church early in the morning and make the hour drive to get there......but a drive that is so well worth the time because we are in unity and we are in fellowship together with other believers.
Exercising 5 x's a week
I refrain from setting any weight loss goals. My body seems to not know what it is to lose weight anymore so the scale rarely budges...much to my utter dismay and sheer horror. But in running I have seen the importance of just getting out and releasing the day...letting go of what has built up. I have once again felt the freedom of just tying on some running shoes and taking off...leaving the cares of the world at the doorstep. The feel of the wind against my face....freedom, the blessing of being able to move. I feel like a kid again. And I feel the sense of accomplishment that comes from having pushed myself farther than what I ever thought I could go.....pushing past my head that screams to stop, pushing past the things that tell me no in life, breaking every barrier in my mind that holds me captive and tells me I am unable or incapable. It clears my head. I run the race and I finish it. And I know when I am done that with God on my side I can do anything......He can move mountains through me because when He uses me He knows that not only will I start the task but I will finish strong. My goal is to grow stronger and let go of myself for a time....to run it off and work it off as I center myself on Him.
Thirdly....it is to accomplish the list of projects waiting for my attention.
-Hang the pictures that still sit in untouched boxes.
-Paint the nursery and bring its farm to life.
-Paint the utility the insane colors that sit waiting in the cans.
-Tile the top of the old bookshelf and transform it into the serving area we envisioned it 2 entire years ago.This will require learning how to tile.
I am sure the list could go on but those are the ones that take priority for one reason or another.
And lastly....to get good at sewing
and have sewn at least 2 things by June 1st.
The beginning. I stand with anticipation over this new year and what it reveals to me personally and to us as a family. I look forward with excitement to June 1st as I toil away my days seeking to accomplish my goals and continuing to raise our children in our very blessed life.

































































